998 - status

honestly. i hate this new..job of mine. and for now, i have no other choice. things happen and it cant go back like the way it used to be.

i had regrets, a few. but currently it is so hard to chew and drink it down. and i dont expect anyone to understand it. yes they may said "sokay it will soon pass, i've been there, i know what u feel and stuffs" but really..u may get the "understand" part but not "living thru it for the moment".

these 2 weeks i learn a lot. about being at the very lowest point in an organization. where people treat u like shit. and i also learn things like "people tend to leave managers, not company" and about being valued and stuffs.

some people doesnt really care about paycheck, ots, claims and whatever. all they want it to challenge themselves, prove themselves that they can actually compete and contribute whatever to the company they working with.

but i learn the ugly truth from lowest point in and organization. and it seems like..there will be no end to this.
monkey see, monkey do.

i seek no attention. i seek no sweet words or any comfort talks just to get thru this. i just need support. and i fully understand if any of u starting keep a distance from me or anything just because i am saying things full of negativity and ugly truth. but that is the way i do mental block from myself, telling things that "things are not going to get better if i didnt do anything, or something" or simply expressing my thoughts. i wonder how it would affect u in a way. sorry if i did any. not my intention to do so.

u dont know how much i want to give up everyday, early in the morning, after subuh prayers. u dont know how much and what i endured all of these times, alone. so u dont dare talk to me about being negative and stuffs. pressure, stress, tired because working beyond working hours, lousy boss, lacking restime, lousy salary and thousands more.

this is the reality, this is the ugly truth. bounded by things u cannot really see.

and please stop comparing what have u gone thru and what i am going thru right now. it is not the same. the challenges today is not what u have back in ur days. and i couldnt handle any naggings or any de-gradation motivational speech from u everyday. i had enuf of it since i was back in my school years. i learn to accept there is things which i can do and which i cant not. but u guys didnt understand. or even try to understand. and i end up, like always, disappointing u guys in every possible way.

and u dont know how much i sacrifice for myself. if i even try to talk back, "barulah sikit berkorban" and bla bla bla dialog.

i feel left out currently. and all i have alot of things to say. to u, u, u and a lot of u.

i understand my current status is, and didnt whine at all. because i know. i will always make it out, alive. i always do. this is not the 1st time i lose everything in life. and i know, there is a possibility to lose everything and never had a chance to comeback too. if i didnt start doing anything.

running away from problem doesnt actually solve it.