one decade.

my december has been a wild ride from the start, until the very last of it. its 332 am rn. and i cant sleep. theres a few things that lingers inside of my head.

as you all know, or might not know. i have been transferred to johor. particularly mersing. starting on 16/1 onwards. im battling a battle which i cannot win obviously, begging the boss to let me stay but he drops the ultimatum already. and the only thing that can save me now, is my old bosses mercy.

either i drop the lob im doing right now, and float for a couple of months, before i get a pos within another lobs. which is not going to happen in this shortest of time, but im trying. hopefully theres someone out there who would take my place, and i'll gladly took his. at this point, beggars cant choose.

but thats not the point.

the truth is.

i cant cant leave here, because i have you. my biggest concern? leaving you. im not done yet...heck i didnt even start yet. i had so much planned out for 2020. god.

then all the other things too. but it can wait.

i am not ready to for distance, between us. not yet...

and today i had fun. i get to spent my day with you. and i dont know why it does feel like its the last time im gonna see you. it never happened yet, but to me, its already happening. i dont even remember what color are youre wearing today. i barely remember your smiles without look at the camera gallery, pictures we took today. part of me, regretted that i didnt take as much photo together. i have no intention of not taking pictures together, or even show you off in my soc meds n stuffs. what you and i have, is something special. something so sacred, so pure. only you and i knew whats going on. in our own world.

im thankful. i learned a lot from you.
to end this decade with you, i want to do it. i'll do it a 1000 times. over and over.

"until every stars in the galaxy dies and fades away"

something about time, something about distance.

i know you'll find me here. 


right now, isnt the best time to be playin. this, needs time. us, needs time. im sorry i lashed out just now. its just the noise i cant silence them. 

look, this is what distance did to us. soon, test of time. we gotta figure out. do something. few more weeks ahead to look forward to. stay to the gameplan. until every stars in the galaxy fades. 

some great other weekend

hei-ya. sorry for not coming here so often. i've have been busy for a while. juggling in between work, projects, and also some other business.

im gonna briefly talk about esports development - exciting times. last 2 week theres this event LVL UP, held kat KLCC Convention Centre where its like our own mini E3, i went there, as a guest and have a look myself on whats going on. theres syed saddiq there to address and introduce the malaysian team competing in next week SEA Games. kinda exited that finally esports get their chance to be featured in such sports event. its a start. towards the esports growth in SEA, especially here in malaysia.

theres tons of booth on that day, from developers to cosplayers, to showcase their game developments, projects. you name it. they even have this talks on how to groom yourself to become streamer, pro gamer, and also of course from the esports people in the industries. to talk about the growth and future of the esports.

malaysia still have a long long way to get to that pioneer level, but damn sure it starts right here, right now.

and heres some of the picture from the day.

here at the event, tickets courtesty from Whats The Meta! team

i get to test play the GIGABASH game, 100% develop by our own local developer. which is pretty nice. it has super smash bros vibes, with their own unique character. it has 4 character atm, and definitely there will be tons of other char to play with

anyway thats me, weebing myself out

met fiera fendi, awesome as always. 

kinda want to try this iron man VR games but the que is too long. sigh. i waited like 30 mins and the dude wont stop playing. 

again, me but this time i sign up with lapar esports team, our official partner!

considering how are things gonna improve from here on. i have been working on some personal projects too. to convert twt_dota to some esports portal that will cover news, mainly in bahasa, and also will start to produce our own content. we currently the paper is being discussed, and i look forward to this projects. not only dota, but every esports games that we could get our hands on.

till then,

im going to talk about this, openly.

i have found a cure. a cure for my condition - mental state, addiction, anxiety, sleeplessness and perhaps many more. a good friend of mine, introduce me to this substance called DMT. to call this DMT a drug would be criminalizing it, im not going to call it a drug, instead of drug, lets call it substance.

TL;DR, dmt is obtained from plants, synthesized from ayahusca which contains psychedic properties which usually called "spirit particle" by shamans n traditional practitioner to perform rituals. either by them, or by their patients. in science, dmt is taken by smoking, drinking, or some by consuming. and it produced intense, but very short psychedelic experience that affects visual and auditory senses. simply put, hallucinations, depending on how one's method of consumption.

i did my fair share of researchs and readings. by fair share, i mean lots of journals and documentations, starting from the early 1900s, and how dmts evolved into lsd and whats nots, from joe rogan, mike tyson to albert hoffman's research papers. videos and kinds of stuff. just so i know what am i dealing with here. so far theres no known side effects, no known addictions, to published papers regarding the downside of the dmt usage.

and i pop-ed my 1st dmt 3 weeks back. oh ya i took one small pill of dmt. after meal. at first i thought this is nothing, just like consuming space cakes and space tea but then after half an hour, dmt took over.

this is how my journey, through the dmt trip feels like.

first, all i see is geometrical patterns, shapes and sizes in multicolor rotating rapidly and react to whatever lights my eyes were focused to, during that time, i am watching looney toons. screen flicks several times, the color, and how i perceive and process visual images are distorted. not in a bad way, but in a good way, its like being in a machine, or clock tower, or maybe inside prism or kaleidoscope, or maybe if u ever went to the diamond exhibition, and when they let you check the diamond patterns, it would be like that. but more intense, colorful, everything was moving and shaped themselves rapidly.

that was only the 1st 10 mins, entering 20, my breathing, heart rate were slowed down, and steady. but breathing is a bit hard (by hard i mean, you keep seeing the patterns and it was so good until you forgot how to breathe, but you can control your thoughts by telling yourself that you need to breathe, and yes you'll breathe becos of our automated body response) for 10 mins i feel so good, and i thought ok this is good, not knowing there will be several trips and cycle throughout the journey (i would love to call this a journey and you'll know why)

entering 25 mins, kepala mula rasa sedap. different dengan sedap high/stoned from smoking weed/pots/nicotine. every inch of your head, with your brain, feel massaged. and this is where the magic happens. at this moment, i closed my eyes, and lie down on my bed. and right after i closed my eyes, the pattern that i've been seeing took me somewhere else. to a place where the 4th dimension or whatever dimension it is. it was so..beautiful. and calming. and tbh, i was well aware of whats happening. and so, i put on my earbuds, and start listening to some deep focus music. everything happened so fast and i was taken into the outside world where all of these other beings (i call them beings because i cant explain what are them actually). being of colors, shapes, aliens. and if feels like they all talking to me, showing me what is there behind this existence, consciousness.

as i go deeper within the realms and calming and focus music, at one point i could see my soul, leave my physical body. at one point, i thought that i was dead. i can no longer breathe. i am no longer in this world, physical world. but one of the beings showed me that i wasnt dead yet. i was inside their reality. and became ome of them. they dont technically speak verbally, but somehow they communicate with you, and you understand them. deeper and deeper i navigate through the reality cycles, at one point i feel like every secrets and knowledge of this universe were at my fingertip, i was holding this book, and keep scrolling but there wasnt enough time to read em all. and these beings showed me how to do it.

this cycle last for few hours. and i was well aware of whats happening. my eyed were completely shut, and i was completely inside of their world. i could see and do everything i ever wanted. and i went to bed after that. around 530 in the morning. i wake up around 9 and noticed that the effects were still there, but wearing off.

my messed up mind, were no longer carry all of those messes, or thoughts. i feel like every inch of the burden that i've been carrying behind my back, were lifted away from me. i dont feel sluggish or irritated due to less sleep, nor contemplated with task and chores lined up. and i can recall of what happened.

and this is how i can put all of those cycle or trip, in a sentence.

"What a journey last night. I traverse into the hidden reality inside of my head, of lights, of love, of thoughts, of the deepest consciousness of my mind within the very fabric of the reality itself. And I went to bed right after. Its like having and viewing your entire life and soul from the 3rd eye

Waking up feeling reset, and all the pain and burden has been taken away, lifted up from me. To realize it was there inside of my head and i have no idea how to access the hidden reality amaze me. Incredible."

after that, i did some more research on all the sufi's, buddha monks and how they all achieve this peace or some would call zen in non-science perspective. and it seems they can reach this by meditating and surrender themselves into nothing-ness. because by default, dmt would be released from our brain right before death but these meditation methods used by these sufi's and monks could also help to release and develop dmts.

i feel better, day after day after day. i no longer feel angry. or resentments. i feel healed. all of my worries were gone. sleeping were easier than it should be. more focused. i am calmed. collective thoughts. like i was the better version of my ownself. i feel like reborn-ed into a new brain. all of those minor headaches were gone. no more anxiety. no more self hatred, i dont even feel like telan orang like i used to feel everyday. until today. one article says this effect would last for 6 months, depending on the person's surroundings and mental state. i finally, made peace with myself. and it feels so good. all it took was one pill, just one pill.

update: i dont feel like smoking cica, even better, i dont even think about smoking/have the urge to do or weed/pot. im sober. im free of any anxiety drugs. my mind were crystal clear. i made better judgment and calls, i sleep better at night. more focused and determind. 

p/s : please dont do drugs. whatever drug

p/s 2: people should at least try, dmt once in their lives. get that hard "reset"

p/s 3: be responsible

things that you've asked me before - part one

her - "why do you push people away. after what you've done to them?"

honestly. i have been answering your question with questions. probably deflect them every time the question pops out from your mouth.

but heres some answers,

for me to defend myself
to clarify
to compensate with all the things i did to put us apart so many times. again and again.

all of my actions, which i cant put into words. or even explain.

you probably doesnt have any idea how alone i feel, during my younger days. i dont want to talk about that, to be away from your family, and siblings does that do me. i didnt the chance to bond with them normally like other people do. parents were stricts. asian style parenting. the only people that i can talk to, share things to or do things with - friends. the reason why i easily made friends with everyone. im loud. im easy going. i always said yes. and to keep up that energy up high, is tiring. when the day ends, all i want is just to go back home, put some distance between them people. i would like some space, to regain, collect myself.

sometimes, when its getting overwhelming. im having difficulty to concentrate. i lose focus. and i bcome sloppy, and vulnerable. more to like annoyed. and i cant keep up. i hate to let them down when im like this. so the best way is to push them out. keep some distance. but in a proper manner. when ever i have the chance to.

it happen sometimes, days when you feel easily irritated - due to work, stress. anxiety. my tolerance towards people are very-very low. i tried to control myself most of the time. but it doesnt seems to work. the best way to let it go is to come down to soc med, and let them dumass people have it.

i dont think i deserve to be happy. i feel like i am a burden, to everyone. and i dont want to hurt them when i get too close, and comfortable. and when i do, i am vulnerable all over again. easily get hurt. i've been hurt before. i dont want to go thru that anymore. i build my walls up so high, so nobody would get past that. some would, and when i realize they invade my space, that is when i push them out. again and again. which i did to you, countless of time before. without any explanation.

i know its not fair to do this bcos of what had happened before. i am still traumatized. i give my all, and look like my all, isnt enough. people go. they took everything away from me. and i learned alot from my previous relationship. but still, my heart, yearns for one, hoping this is one, everytime.

this is the illusion i've created to hide my true self from people just so i not to be seen as weak. a loner.

i know what does it feels like to be alone. i know what does it like not having support system growing up. i dont expect you to read this (ceh mcm dia tahu bout this space). maybe one day you'll stumbled upon this space, and you'll get your answers.

its almost 2 am. and i think i should go.