selamat hari raya!

selamat hari raya cov-eid fitri!

finally. lepas get back into routine kamis lepas, i felt much better. routine helps me get back into life. put all the pieces back together lepas 60 days of mco. bit by bit comeback to my senses. having a system helps. with each and every task for the day give the energy and purpose once again.

surely, akan rindu mco. cant believe we are surviving thru pandemic. we show resilience throughout the mco phases. some of us suffered physically, some mentally. many has lost jobs, business. some even loved ones. one day we get to tell the stories to our children and may they learn the mistakes once we did.

anyway. this is the first time raya without my family. this year raya dgn adik, and few friends. for starters, my family isnt really a normal one. i mean, for me. might be different for my siblings. i was raise in a tough love kind of environment where love and affections werent so nice to me. but its there. the love. unconditional love. and i grew up and understand why they did that. so that i can become the person i am, today. the best part, tiada drama raya biasa family pagi raya. haha. i miss home. i miss my parents. i miss my nephews siblings the food, my friends. the tradition every raya, bbq night with the boys. hatiku sedikit terusik, telinga didendangkan alunan lagu raya seketikanya aku sedang berkerja di pejabat. iimagine kerja dalam mood raya. i even counted lagu raya apa main, siapa nyanyi at one point. its tough, but you gotta pull it through. wasnt so bad. kau ada bumbung nak tido, makan nak makan, kawan2 nak ajak borak and all the things you ever need and wanted.

mco has taught me many things. and i am grateful for it.

so far aku dah susun few activities for raya ni. we gon have raya pardy coming up soon. looking forward to lepak with the boys. lama gila tak jumpa.

again, kalau ada salah silap, selama-lama you readers (cey) been knowing me personally or crossed path before, terlebih terkurang, saya memohon maaf. saya susun sepuluh jari meminta keampunan sekali lagi andainya diberi peluang. selamat hari raya aidil fitri.

stay safe, goodnight!

taking back control

day 50+

theres like a lot of things on my plate right now. i have completely lost my mojo. i am unorganized, purpose-less, i dont even know what day or time it is, and pretty much knowing that i am alive when i open up my eyes.

and those dreams (perhaps in the next coming post, drafted already)

to this date i think it is safe to assume that i havent gotten any night sleep normally since the day mco started. i have nothing more that i can use to help myself get up at this point. those happy pill wasnt really helpful in long terms. it gave me the boosts that i need but thats it. i cant get that breakthrough anymore. being so lost so out of place, almost no more willpower to endure this any longer.

you no longer feel like giving up, bcos theres nothing left to give up on. like being sucked into one of those void. timeless, endless. its dark down here. on my own.

"lets not talk to each another anymore"
"You will deal w/ whatever demon you're dealing rn and i dnt wnt any part of it"

she said.

i always knew that i will never be enough. but no worries. even im tired of being me too. i didnt respond back because we both know that i have to let you go. you were right. i am self sabotaging. i am addicted to it. you was never wrong, and how fool of me thinking that i could prove you wrong. i wasnt trying tbh.

surviving thru pandemic, at home, with no timeline to work with due to the nature of my work, is hard. i did everything that i could in my might to stay sane. imagine if i did engage with (im sorry i have no other way of saying this) your provocations. my ego, against your stubbornness. theres no end to that. sorry that i got boring. i did everything.

last night official email came in. look like im gonna get back to work on the 14th. thats a start. few days left to pickup whatever left in me, to get back into the routine. once i get my tempo, i can start fixing other things. something must be done.

get some sleep, rehydrate, rejuvenate. get back that zen mode.

these are the words that i wanted to say last time, but i didnt have the chance to.

"you are wonderful. from day one, until now"
"im sorry i cant keep the other half of my bargain, i tried my best, and i've tried everything but not trying to understand your needs or by lowering my ego"

trying to go thru this pandemic on my own, is what killing me inside. but like i said before, my feelings arent important or worth mentioning.

p/s : i havent sleep yet, about to. lets just reset this for the last time.


a letter to my 23 y/o self.

hello there, younger version of me. fresh out of the oven, ready to take over the world. lemme give you a spoiler. yes you did it. i dont know how exactly did you it, but you did it. it gets hard at some point, but you're always come around. even if you're knocked down for the 7th time, and you will always comeback on the 8th.

listen. i need you to take care of your ownself aite? taking care of yourself also means taking care of me too. you'll need this in the future. because me, the future you right now isnt so sure of what is he doing. all that energy that i used to have, was no longer there. i was super sensitive. i was mad, all the time. the soul seems to have gone out of me, now.

this happens bcos you have too much to give. not money, not time. but yourself. you ignore yourself. being self-less, has its consequences. i know you take pride of your selfless-ness. you get so busy with people until you forget that you're important too. this is what i've learnt up until today.

heroic act consumes you. so does sacrifices. not every war and battle is yours, and no matter the outcome might or might not be, is in your favor. it consumes you, where it wants you the most. at your weakest point. and the problem with being the strong one is, theres no one offers a hand, doesnt matter if you need it, or not. not everyone matches your energy.

i hope you find acceptance. the kind that rings through your bones. the kind that quiets the voice inside of you that tells you that you are not good enough. or that you're falling behind.

i hope you forgive yourself. for all the mistakes you have made, intentionally, or unintentionally, affecting whoever that just might cross their path with yours. and i also hope that you learn on how to let go.

in order to heal. to grow. or even to survive. you are doing your best. and do not forget, you're a human being, just like the rest of us. you have a heart too. please do not forget that.

now. go out there. live your life. no regrets. you live only once.


Different age

Oh, you don't know me 'cause I'm from a different age
And you can't see me 'cause I live in a different age
And you can hurt me but you wouldn't know what to say
But you should believe me, our dreams are all the same
Like a life without love
God, that's just insane
But a love without a life
Well, that just happens everyday
And I wish I could change, but I'll probably just stay the same
And I wish you could see the Lord
But this poem is a joke and the melody I wrote, wrote!

. . .

Oh, you can't hear me 'cause I sing to a different age
And you should fear me 'cause I believe in a different age
But I live in the city that lives in a different age
Oh, I live in a city that lives in a different age
Where all the poets are writing up wires
And our just singing songs
Oh, all the poets are writing up wires
And hours are just singing
This city's got nothing for you here, kid
Oh, I told you just go home
They're saying this city is useless
But we've already done it all
Oh, all the poets are writing up wands
And hours just singing songs
And I wish you could see the Lord

the new normal.

hello. hows everyone doing. i hope ya all fine and dandy. the new normal huh? which isnt really normal, considering...circumstances.

my new normal?

its been few weeks since i had proper, normal sleep. i only take naps. and summore naps in between. working from home has taken its tool on my body. and my mind. since currently im working on a rotation basis, it further more ruins my pattern. and also, being in operation, getting emails and the urgency to reply is what keeping awake. i sleep for few hours, text/email came in.

thats one thing. theres time where i felt so alone. tired to sleep it off few times. one time i ended staring at the walls for hours. and the sun came up, fall asleep few hours after on my own. talking to friends helped, a bit. most of the times i'll be working, or play some games killing the time. tired to take a break from soc med for few days, try to spent some me time by doing chores. laundry. housekeeping the pc and stuffs. does help initially. and when you had nothing to do - the cycle starts again.

it is safe to say that at this point, i've lost my motivation. i have no purpose. i lose focus. my mojo. i dont text back. i feel easily irritated. i've bottled up so much inside, few times losing it. most of the time drowning in the feelings of useless-ness. i push people away. even my loved ones. more silly and small fights over and over. knowing i am being the toxic one, i decided to cut myself off. just like that. i dont want to fight no more. i might burst. i dont want that to happen. and for that, i am sorry.

also happening for few times. i would never have thought i've reached my limit - shisha. lol at one point i feel like puking bcos i think i had enough and my lungs are giving up on me. i think, lung cancer is going to get me before corona does.

wfh - besides have to keep up with office work, people from all sorts of places. tanya itu ini. faham, mro and stuffs but can u please respect my space...tak kira siang..malam. want me to do this, to do that. bukan taknak buat, buat je. but with courtesy. and with less urgency. i will tend to your request but please dont push me. most of the things can be checked online/apps kot. try lah dulu before tanya. its common sense. sometimes okay la spoon fed. tapi tak ke tu malas... and it can be super overwhelming for me. my phone tak berhenti masuk noti. i feel annoyed.

mro also has taken its toll on my buddy abu. dude hasnt been sleeping well and i can see him struggling. until 3 days ago he went missing, and i started looking for him. thank god he reached out to his sister and on the way recovering. do check on your friends and family status. just a simple hi hw r u is enough.

okay. i think this is for now. try not to worry about me. so far i survived, eventho its so hard to do so. but i do appreciate tho, if people do check up on me. may this pandemic end soon and we all can go back to our normal, "normal" state.

selamat berpuasa too. stay safe, wash your hands and practice social distancing.