send help


i didnt think i'll lived up until today. a lot of things happened.

a lot

each day im struggling. trying to grab whatever thing i can cling on to. pride? gone. ego? gone. probably the greatest obstacle im facing as a grown ass man. 31.

can u imagine? 30 fuckin 1. smokin aces. kicking asses.

anyway i've drafted a few post during my "lost" times. depends on whether it is appropriate to be posted or maybe needed some proofreading. R rated stuffs.

ok. time to sleep. good night. stay safe.

pre-raya after post-raya post.

lunch hour right now. and i dont feel like having lunch. had brunch and maybe thats why. ramadhan ended. wasnt the very pleasant ramadhan experience this time. due to my stomach condition. cant no longer enjoy normal chowdown lepas azan. minum segelas, kuih 2-3 ketul and thats it. just to startup perut so dia boleh digest. then selang dua jam baru boleh makan nasi, air 2 gelas. 

sahur are even worst. nasi tak boleh makan more than 2 senduk, cus nanti perut keras kaw2. air pun. before makan have to pop 2 pills, satu gastric satu angin, and lepas makan kena rehat sejam sebelom 2 sudu gaviscon. and perut akan keras for at least setengah hari or sampai la dapat sendawa. siksa ~_~

neway, less in 10 days ima go thru laparscopy procedur. to repair my goddamn stomach. hopefully boleh baik cepat without any complication. banyak benda nak kena cutoff n direhatkan sepanjang tempoh recovery dan harapnya taklah aku hilang akal. shit

caught up.

i have been missing. i know. please dont get angry. life swallowed me whole. i do come here occasionally and write something but it were never posted. probably it was written badly. on 2nd thoughts, do people really read my blog anyway?

2 months. besides crazy workload/juggling between things. losing every bit of my mind here n there, battling depression (LMAO) and not to forget enjoying my time, everything is doing quite well. i cant say it suck, but it sure does have its ups and lows. balance. ok enuf quick recap.

its the holy month of ramadhan. and i have some issues, which is not really an issue. its just from my observation and daily life encounter. i cant help myself from wondering why some parents, fail to use their brains. why bring kids (babies) to bazar ramadhan/jalan TAR. i've made fb stats bout this only to get some roast from "parents"

"kau tak ada anak kau mana tau"
"ada ke rule tak boleh bawak stroller pegi bazar"
"orang gemuk tak boleh pegi bazar jugak la gitu"
"some parenting tip from someone reads too much book, and tiberrrr dia nak merentan suruh jangan compare/judge camne parents raise anak just because they have no other choice"

you have to remember, its basic common sense. babies + crowded places. tempat orang jual makan, buang leftovers, bakar2 this and that.

do i need to elaborate more? do i? and it got heated somehow on my fb. dude think he can troll the retired internet troll king. lmao.  annoying tahu? dgn strollernya, kalau boleh semua benda dia nak singgah dan beli, letak dalam stroller, naik turun naik turun, bawak lagi anak2 kecik lain, dgn padatnya tak boleh gerak. muh gawd. i was pissed. penat2 balik keje, kena pulak mcm ni. man fuck you.

and thats, that. for now.


i dont know where have i been for the last 2 months. feels like someone else is living my life as me, as i watch myself going thru its routine. trapped inside following orders. and i only realized that in the last week.

the struggle is real. trying to break the routine cycle is exhausting. but at some point i know i had to break it bcos it is swallowing me whole. i was under pressure due to work. not to mention overworked. 19 days before i had my 1st off day. my stress level - indigestion problem. i had it checked last week. it aint pretty. i have to undergo minor surgery to fix my stomach valve, bcos the valve cant no longer function properly by closing so the acid from yer stomach cant reach yer esophagus resulting - constant heartburn and bitter taste. yadda yadda yadda - gassy stomach, indigestion "perut tak sedap badan". gaviscon is my best friend. 2 sudu pagi, 2 sudu malam. makan on time was the biggest challenge. i had my routine fix when i was in lombok, but right after lombok, the cycle restarts. currently trying to eat on time. will try my best.

i think i let hatred and anger a little too much of control. i hate people around me. i hate everyone around me. supposedly you keep that anger and hatred at its finest - where it would help you go thru your days, and when the hatred and anger is too strong, you'll get burned down along with it. its more than you can handle. i should keep on focusing myself. no matter how pissed i am, no matter how tired, get up. for me to last this long, i think i am one strong bad-ass motherfucker. i dont suffer from demotivation, or let alone depression. just, loneliness. something i gotta live with, by choosing this kind of life.

i choose this. i know the consequences. but at times its just overwhelming. something that i have been taught with. to get something, one must be willing to sacrifice something, in return. i guess its all coming back to me now.

helo, twendyeiteen

yardikno wuts up.

yeap u heard me. holiday's ended. means we gotta pack all of our shit up, and suck it cus its time to be a functioning, depressing adults with god knows what kind of demon we keep inside. i only worked 15 days on dec and the rest is history.

oh ye. i opened up a studio. esports studio, to be precise. remember when i said "one way, i would like to open up my own broadcast studio" and yeah it happen. not really a studio but yeah it kinda feel like studio. we kicked it off with ESL Genting quals and had quite a good run despite some technical issues (copy right, broadcasting privileges) and the real work begin like right now. gotta lobby the ESL Genting in 23 days, and whatever happen, happens. no ragrets. for the time being, its named TD studios, TD - twtdota and would probably rename it to Supercede or something.

here comes of the studio pics :

nice eh? cost a lot. hopefully after this coming ESL, sponsorship will come. and that would help a lot for progress.

and the rest is what i have been doing during december :

went to pd with the boys. kinda need the vitamin sea treatment. was last minute and i only get to chill at glory beach instead of langkawi and shit. probably the last trip with doto boys since they were all not up to it and it took very last minute to handle things. ha! i book the apartment at agoda, and it were not as advertised. supposedly i booked 1 apartment with 3 rooms and free breakfast, but what i got is apartment with 2 rooms, no breakfast and i cant even get additional bed because the aparement is belong to someone. not tied with the hotel. i was like wth? kinda pissed. and this place sucks. not like it were used to be 3-4 years ago.

tufah's, ferd's and syed's wedding:

me & falah at tufah's wedding in shalam.

the boys in BP.  familiar faces right?

ferd's wedding. KCR member. dalam ramai2 ni je datang 

geng manjong turun wedding syed. 

look like everybody's getting married. kinda feel the pressure but i dont think i am ready for it. financially, mentally. i find myself kinda used of being single. sure i do felt lonely at sometimes, but its been a while since i see anyone on regular basis. to have a partner is kinda nice. even better, a lover. but at the same time i am not looking for one. i dont know how to say this, but simply put, i would like to try again. because to have someone to share things with is kinda special. wonderful. and awesome. 

cringe. cringe af. 

neway, happy new year and theres a lot to look forward to. and room for improvements. may everybody become wiser, healthier and have prosperous 2018 ahead.