Selamat Hari Raya!

hi. i know, i know. i have been missing out. i am tryna to go on with my own life. to live another day, and to discover what does life have to offer for those who seek *REALL BEBB*

haha.

part yang meneruskan kehidupan tu ye. and yela, kena la keep on going kan. honestly, i have no problem to get back to the top of my game before. i mean, work-wise, social-wise, and mostly everything, cuma i cant stop tryna find the answers why, until i realized, sia-sia kot. the signs are already there. no point. and then i stop. and start enjoying my days.

and yeah, selamat hari raya. patutnya post this shit waktu kat rumah hari tu. tapi disebabkan aku sangat arrogant (tak bawa balik ps4, tak bawa balik laptop, tak bawa balik cica) so kinda terputus hubungan sekejap-sekejap dgn dunia luar. i think i cud do it, the life yg aku pernah lead before. but after almost 10 years masa berlalu. i dont think i can do it. hahahaha. but slowly over the week aku rasa cam nak pindah balik juga. if given the chance la. tenang kat kampung. everything is within my reach. maybe lead a low profile life. sebulan sekali turun kl jumpa kawan2. bawa diri. bela kucing dua ekor.

ok dah. toksah nak real sangat. heres whats been happening with my raya this year.




tadah, jersey saya dah siap akhirnya! prepare for this coming TI7 next august cey. kan dah cakap nak buat pubstop n shit. and seller ni dia takde team china, kalau ada dah beli IG punya jersey. quality - OK. selesa. cutting mmg nice. tak rasa my man boobies nak terpop out mcm jersey2 lain asdjkajdajsdasdjl.



bbq with the boys. back to the original 7, for the 8th year. mmg tradisi raya aku kat kampung dgn hommies kampung, malam raya kita orang akan buat bbq. so hangout. catching up with them. 



hi, meet paktam. 


haritu balik johor, ride sama dgn 2 brother ni. time ni kita orang benti rehat jap. paneh gila penat. and gambar ni is sangat lah #goals AF. miskin takleh!



raya family photo without abah, again for the 81237976123 year. tahun ni semua kale orange or peach whatver.



me and megan di pagi raya



malam-malam takde kawan nak ajak lepak, lepak la dgn wiwi dgn paktam dua ekor dari siang, sampai malam tengok TI SEA qualifier, pandai pula tu tengok. pastu bila orang sorak2 dia pon ngiau2 hahahaha bila tak layan nak gigit



sedihnya, ni je yang tinggal tahun ni yg dapat collect kat kampung. ma JG dawg. 4 orang je. last year kehadiran gila babi penuh. haha. since ada yg this year start beraya kampung bini. and guess what? epi dah ada baby boy la siot. epi ada baby boy is cam...ok buat aku tertanya what the fuck did i do with my life. even epi settled down and got himself a baby boy. and i said, i tried, twice. end of story


everyday is asam pedas day kalau balik batu pahat. ni dari kedai yang paling top kat batu pahat, asam pedas generation. member punya kedai. same taste throughout the years. ikan fresh. kuah tip top. nasi kukus aroma pandan yg sangatlah...gaddamn.


world famous mee racun tulang taman seri manja. i dont think this deserve any explanation isnt it? and guess what, belakang rumah ajerrr


ni, hidden jewels dalam batu pahat. hanya pure breed, truest batu-pahat people je tahu. kedai roti nan shuib, belakang post office. buka 6 pm sampai 12 am. the best foken nan evah. and kuah dia, gaddamn. kambing, kambing cincang, daging, daging cincang. and guess what? bubur ayam, mee goreng mamak dengan lontong goreng, boleh dapat 24/7 sini. takyah cerita ar sedap dia dia mcm mana. if any of you guys datang batu pahat, nan shuib is worth the visit.

okay. itulah sedikit sebanyak tentang raya saya tahun ni. oh ya, minggu depan 16/7 ada buat open house kecil-kecil untuk kawan-kawan. datanglah kalau free. and walaupun tak meriah or hype mana raya tahun ni, still boleh rasa the spirit of raya yg mana ramai kata diorang tak rasa raya best la apa la. i had my fair share of fun. raya is best!

till next post, ja! 



you move on. you lose nothing. you upgrade your game, upgrade yourself to a better version of you.

rasanya dah separuh tahun juga away from dota stuffs. last one is ESL Genting awal jan ritu. and now, since beberapa kali dah plan nak buat our own pubstomping tapi tak jadi jadi, this time, we gonna do it fo real, TI7.

the plan is to cam copy bts punya style, sambil2 ajak orang datang enjoy tgk final ti7. jual merchandise sikit2 and get along dgn semua yg datang tengok. few times dah sebenarnya nak organize instead of kita live update dekat twt_dota. and since this year punya organization pun dah restructure, new faces with fresh new energy n idea. seems like i am not going to retire from this anytime soon. 

anyway, meet the new team. 


ni buka pose ritu. lama tak gather mcm ni ramai2. izzoe pun dah duduk ipoh, iza takyah cakap siang malam keje buat mrt busy, raimi dgn company n baby sofea. and theres me, at least half of me sbb ezt nub tangkap gambar.


zyl, ezt, abu (not in pic, nani) sambil kena interview dgn press.


early may. nani datang so we hangout

so, theres like 2 place to choose from tuk dijadikan kita orang punya pubstomp. satu is escapade subang, which is cafe style n so, and since fundevour pun mcm nak assist, so im currently considering it. and another one is buat style betul2 pubstomp dekat mamak (ali b) kot. and sebelah dia ada mineski baru buka. so...since we can do something untuk promote mineski (we worked together few times juga for several events before this). i havent ada masa nak tulis the proposal betul2, tapi ini la idea dia for the time being. and since tak ada lagi jadual bila TI actually start dgn jadual apa semua nak register lagi for pubstomp kat valve, im gonna plan this one carefully. 

i didnt play video games with no ambition to be better, or never going to be part of it. you can tell me your stories, played this goddamn game from dota 1 bla bla bla. not until you meet me. i have been in every level of it. played for a team? done. win some cup? done. coach and manage a team? done. organize my own event? done. name it. i am not like you. i actually understand this game, i can feel it. not like you. you understand nothing about it. you cant even control your mouse properly. let alone understand the mechanics n meta deep enough. not to mention, contribute anything for the community.




X, Y, equations, actions and consequences.

kita semua ex orang. tak kiralah. dalam percintaan ke, pekerjaan ke, kelas ke, kawan ke, apa benda sekali pun. jadi tak perlulah kot rasa mcm best sangat.

selama-lama aku kenal pempuan, dan yang mana jadi gf ke apa benda you wanna call it, tak pernah sekali pun habis cara tak baik. eventho i have been cheated on, kena tinggal gitu takde jawapan ke, gaduh benda bodoh tapi takde satu pun yg end up jadi enemy ke membenci satu sama lain.

but not the current one. i dont know why and what happened. its fine, aku faham la dah habis and takde apa, patutnya dah boleh move on. sure we dated like few months and dah exchange i love you and all of that stuffs in between. tak apa, its ok u can call me gila ke syok sendiri ke whatever and it doesnt change any fact at all.

tapi ketahuilah. i am not that low nak sindir ke nak perli ke nak ajak gaduh and all of that stuffs. theres no need for me to do that. because i already tasted the best, survived the worst up until today. you just wont understand. i know you would read this (someday, sort of) and rasa mcm wtfnya.
but, whatever i am saying on my social media account, its not about u. i have tons of other things to think and worry about dari find my way back to you. tak susah pun nak faham - bila orang dah taknak, orang taknak. and i dont think you tak kenal pun kawan2 i. they all suka menganjing. and normallah/biasalah kawan-kawan menganjing, and kita layankan jela. takde sebab kenapa nak kena sindir or perli benda yang dah habis. you do you. tapi kalau nak terasa jugak dgn come by read all of my tweets, its on you. i am not a coward like you. running away from things. i confront things. i solve conflict. and this, shows how much you're insecure about yourself. looking for attentions, validations. bukan diri sendiri buat pun nak claim diri sendiri buat. tak rasa malu ke dgn diri sendiri ultimately? kemudian dgn orang sekeliling? and if i wanna take you down, i already did. bukannya tak pernah buat kat few liars over social media ni.

if i want to maki, i oredi maki. bukannya you dont know me. good job on sending few guys to pick a fight with me but they all are fuckin pussy (yeap pussy af). bunch of jobless/brainless kids over social media. dah la penakut, no game no frontin at all. hate me all you want. but you yourself tahu kot.

satu lagi tak payah la kot nak justify orang baik adalah orang yg tak pegi club tak mabok tak this tak do drugs and stuffs. narrowminded gila. i'd say, jalan dulu kat atas dunia ni, at least separuh dunia. and kenal lagi ramai orang. because people sin differently. and raised differently. doesnt mean he/she didnt do drugs, hes the worst kind of a person n tak layak nak bagi pendapat or hidup. you said urself you tak judge people and yet, you do the opposite. tak perlu bangga pun dgn benda2 mcm ni. being raised right, and do all of the right things ada beza dia. one can be alcoholic, or an addict, tapi dia tak menipu mcm you. or maybe even better, he help people tapi dia tak pernah tunjuk pun how when or why.

i dont wanna fight you, or even hate you. let alone talk to you. i did everything that i could. until one day, i realize, you are not worth the effort because u lack empathy inside of you. because to you, maybe your proud of yourself by being pretty and stuffs, but that isnt gonna last long. just because you're pretty, and stuffs, it can compensate your shitty attitude, example - lying. and not to mention sommore things. full stop.

were fuckin adults. act like one. and i dont need any validation from anyone like you. and i do judge people everyday and goes to sleep without no regrets. also, i am a proud drug addict. even better, a high functional drug junkie/addict unlike your shitty friends. loser IRL, loser in social media too.

sudahlah. why dont you be you, and i'll be me. and for your record, tak pernah sekali pun terniat or terlintas nak stalk ke apa benda. people tell me things all the time. i dont have to drag myself down to your level nak stalk2 or tengok2 orang ni. and please do your homework before cari gaduh ke send some kids again ke whatever. dont give me a reason to hate you pula. were fine like this.

and wow, ini 1st time bad ending rasanya. before this i've dated few people, and tinggalkan elok2, tapi tak pernah pun bergaduh ke apa benda mcm ni. jadi kawan siap. takde masalah apa.


things that i kinda miss a lot

its bulan puasa again. pejam celik, pejam celik, dah puasa. and dah bulan 6. wow so fast. the last time i keep track of time is waktu CNY. pegi pd. cam laju gila. eh, alih2 dah puasa.

i kinda miss a lot of things bila tiba bab puasa ni. family jgn cerita lah. i lost track dah berapa lama tak balik rumah makan sahur dgn buka dgn family. and now they are all in dhaka, it seems impossible to gather everyone as a family, sit and makan sama-sama. last time dapat duduk sekali makan is zaman belajar, eventho tak berapa nak bercakap dgn family, tapi boleh rasa semangat family tu.

currently adik stay sekali, tapi dia pun cam endah tak endah je, keluar buka puasa dgn gf dgn kawan2. tinggalkan aku sendiri makan kat rumah sorang2. akak kat johor, probably living her own life, adik sorang lagi pun kat johor, maybe buka dgn tunang dia or kawan2 dia.

i have friends. a lot of them. sure mmg la boleh buka sekali takde masalah tapi point dia kat sini is family. anyday pun boleh pegi makan dgn kawan2. tak ada masalah. i mean, lama sangat dah rasanya tak jumpa family sendiri, makan lauk mak masak n rasa puasa sesama kat rumah.

kadang2 jeles tengok kawan2 opis balik awal, nak buka dgn anak dgn family masing2. tinggal la aku sorang2 kat opis terpinga2 cari kawan nak buka dgn sapa. ada rezeki, makan dgn hosmet, kalau tak, pegilah kedai abe tu makan sorang2 terpinga2. takde sapa tanya makan apa, dgn sapa, kat mana. yep faham, benda2 gini trivial je bagi some people. but bagi orang yg sebatang kara, yg almost 10 tahun jauh dari family, benda2 gini agak terasa bila tiba time dia.

masih ingat zaman kanak2 dulu. time puasa dulu selalu dekat hujung2 tahun so cuti skolah. jadi semua pon balik kampung. berbuka dgn cousin semua. malam2 p tarawih pastu main mercun. ah good old times. i wish that i could go back to that time.

growing up sucks. being an adult with responsibilities, sucks big time.

hello darkness, my old friend.

lately, for some unknown reason, aku rasa aku diselubungi kebencian yg teramat dan memuncak tanpa sebab. tak kesah apa ke siapa ke. sampaikan ada satu masa tu aku cam dah terlalu rasa menyampah, benci, meluat sampai rasa lemas dgn perasaan ni.

i am badly affected by recent breakup. i have lost my complete trust among people. hilang dah rasa sangka baik. hilang juga pertimbangan dgn logic reasoning aku. plus aku rasa manusia ni, tak layak kot untuk dibantu mahupun berbudi kepada mereka. last week aku ada tolong this girl. shes gonna commit suicide because dia busted dgn mak dia, tgh buat perkara yg tak bermoral pukul 3 pagi. so aku rasa cam, kalau aku tinggal budak ni, mati la kot dia. bersungguh nak mencabut nyawa and benda yg keep dia dari bunuh diri is me. so i talked thru it sampai la pukul 4 pagi and i really need to sleep that time sebab esoknya kerja n shit. and i leave my num, just in case dia nak someone to talk ke apa.

and the next day, guess what? her mom texted me, saying things like i am a bad influence to her daughter, ajar benda bukan2. i was like bitch stop right there, get your facts right. cuba baca balik conversation anak kamu dgn saya. apa benda kandungan dia. and terus aku rasa mcm wtf gila babi, rasa menyesal tolong pun ada. honestly, selama2 sepanjang2 kehidupan aku menolong orang ni, tak pernah ada sehari aku mengharap apa2 balasan. tak pernah sekali pun. selama2 7 tahun kerja dgn tm ni, tak pernah la aku minta balasan tiap kali aku tolong orang regarding masalah orang dgn tm ke apa. merungut sebab kena tolong, yes. tolong orang tapi tak ikhlas pun yes, tapi mengharap balas, nope. thats not me. so back to the story atas tadi, aku dah la tgh mcm ni tak stable, lepas tu kena pulak mcm ni, pastu relate balik dgn nature aku yg suka tolong orang, aku rasa mindset aku dah twisted and it cannot be fixed anymore.

and thats why, aku rasa manusia, tak patut di bantu. tak kira la they deserve it or not, and sebab nature kita sebagai manusia yg mmg tak pernah nak mengharai or bersyukur, lagi la kuat instinct aku untuk membenci manusia. tengok orang bodoh benci, tengok orang minta derma benci, tak kira la apa pun, i seem cant stop myself dari ada perasaan benci dgn amarah.

yes aku tahu this is not healthy. tapi years enduring dgn pendam rasa, being used, again n again, i became a monster myself. buat balik orang balas tahi. buat baik orang tikam semula. and every night sebelum tido, aku akan bergelut dgn inner conscience. to help or not to help. to be good or not to be. endless, kadang2 sampai lemas dalam thoughts sendiri sampai tertido.nak masuk 2 bulan stgh dah breakup. dari sedih, sekarang aku lagi rasa selesa ada dalam keadaan marah, lepas tahu she played me. rasa benci yg meluap2 yg tak pernah padam. dari nak berubah slow2 menjadi better person, aku jadi makin "dark". takda lagi tapis2 kalau berbicara, takde lagi memikir consequences kalau confront orang. its all about making myself puas, or to be heard.

banyak lagi nak diceritakan. tapi biarlah kot dulu, mcm biasa, post draft banyak2, tunggu masa sesuai, baru boleh publish satu per satu.

akhir kata untuk post ini, kalau korang rasa aku dah lebih sangat, bawa2 lah tegur aku. tak apa, aku jenis marah sekejap, lepas tu baru berakal. soft side aku tak mati lagi, ada lagi. cuma aku no longer have control over it. tak tahu lah aku ni beyond help ke apa, but please kalau nampak n rasa aku dah go over, stop me. dont let me go down that lane.