penaaaaat

today suck. not because i have to work on weekends, or not being able to enjoy my weekend but i think i've reached my limit. i sleep around 4 am yesterday only to wake up 3 hours later to go to work. usually adalah rasa ngantuk penat apa semua tu, normal la. tapi harini boleh rasa dia punya penat. kepala berat. badan takmau dengar arahan. tapi paksakan jugak bangun mandi pastu ride pegi keje. dah la spec patah haritu sobs. pastu sekarang naik motor mcm orang buta sebab silau nak mampus. sampai2 je event, tak boleh nak fokus orang cakap apa. mcm bingit sangat lepas tu dah tak daya dah nak layan, aku ha ye kan je semua benda. dalam sejam lepas tu baru la dapat duduk pastu makan semua. terasa dia punya penat (tua) sampai to the bones.

sejak buat dua kerja ni, lepas balik keje je tido, which is totally not ok dgn tak sihat. tidolah dari 630 tu kadang lajak sampai kul 9. ikutkan nak nap je, tapi dah baring apa benda semua. hari-hari mcm ni for the past 3 weeks. i tried not to sleep or rest, ternyata lebih buruk padahnya. pukul 9 ke pukul 10 dah rasa mcm nak mampus?? lepas tu cam taknak la tido awal sangat nanti celik awal pun masalah kan. so drag la sampai pukul 1 camtu. dah penat sangat, tak boleh tido. so i toss and turn lah on the bed until 3 or 4 camtu.

disiplin makan pun tak jaga. makan tak makan. tak ikut time. berterabur kehidupan aku. pastu stress build up lagi. bahu sangat stiffs. indigestion. otot sakit sbb tense sangat. popped one atarax just to relieve my stiff shoulders and esoknya regret sbb mood swing and tak habis2 rasa sloppy dia.

i havent had any break (proper ones) where i sleep and have a quality me time. dapatlah sehari off hari rabu tu but haritulah nak pegi bayar bill, haritu lah jugak nak pegi jumpa orang, haritu jugak nak ini itu lepas tu membawa sampai ke malam ada meeting untuk event twt_dota pula. thank god everything is pretty much settled - venue, activities blah blah blah, tinggal nak up poster dengan siapkan printing baju tuk di jual that day. i have lost count dah berapa kali kata nak retire from all of these thingy and still, here i am..doing stuffs.

and i feel people around me is kinda dragging me down. and if i could lose all of these excessive baggage coming out from these people, i would feel a lot and so much better. i can do better. i can be better.

not too late for a july post

look at that title. raya aftermath. life has been pretty much crazy for me, while down the hill for some.

chester bennington's death. anis. getting back into life. less than in a month, things went crazy. dont even know what's what. too fast.

i wish i could come here often and jolt down everything. but i dont really have the time to do so. been trying to sort my activities and schedule but time wont just let me. theres a lot to things that i want to tell. some good, some bad, ramblings, questions (often left unanswered).

there were also conflicts, mostly not mine (somehow i ended in one) and been trying my best to keep everyone together, with all of my might.

thats it. for now.



RIP Chester Bennington. thank you for all the years i spent growing listening to your songs. 
thank you for making me feel like i am not the only one and all alone. i bet most of the people feels the same. something i could relate to, where conventional day-to-day parenting doesnt really apply. 


p/s : whats there, for us to pick it up all over again, knowing there were nothing left, to talk about. or even dream about.

Selamat Hari Raya!

hi. i know, i know. i have been missing out. i am tryna to go on with my own life. to live another day, and to discover what does life have to offer for those who seek *REALL BEBB*

haha.

part yang meneruskan kehidupan tu ye. and yela, kena la keep on going kan. honestly, i have no problem to get back to the top of my game before. i mean, work-wise, social-wise, and mostly everything, cuma i cant stop tryna find the answers why, until i realized, sia-sia kot. the signs are already there. no point. and then i stop. and start enjoying my days.

and yeah, selamat hari raya. patutnya post this shit waktu kat rumah hari tu. tapi disebabkan aku sangat arrogant (tak bawa balik ps4, tak bawa balik laptop, tak bawa balik cica) so kinda terputus hubungan sekejap-sekejap dgn dunia luar. i think i cud do it, the life yg aku pernah lead before. but after almost 10 years masa berlalu. i dont think i can do it. hahahaha. but slowly over the week aku rasa cam nak pindah balik juga. if given the chance la. tenang kat kampung. everything is within my reach. maybe lead a low profile life. sebulan sekali turun kl jumpa kawan2. bawa diri. bela kucing dua ekor.

ok dah. toksah nak real sangat. heres whats been happening with my raya this year.




tadah, jersey saya dah siap akhirnya! prepare for this coming TI7 next august cey. kan dah cakap nak buat pubstop n shit. and seller ni dia takde team china, kalau ada dah beli IG punya jersey. quality - OK. selesa. cutting mmg nice. tak rasa my man boobies nak terpop out mcm jersey2 lain asdjkajdajsdasdjl.



bbq with the boys. back to the original 7, for the 8th year. mmg tradisi raya aku kat kampung dgn hommies kampung, malam raya kita orang akan buat bbq. so hangout. catching up with them. 



hi, meet paktam. 


haritu balik johor, ride sama dgn 2 brother ni. time ni kita orang benti rehat jap. paneh gila penat. and gambar ni is sangat lah #goals AF. miskin takleh!



raya family photo without abah, again for the 81237976123 year. tahun ni semua kale orange or peach whatver.



me and megan di pagi raya



malam-malam takde kawan nak ajak lepak, lepak la dgn wiwi dgn paktam dua ekor dari siang, sampai malam tengok TI SEA qualifier, pandai pula tu tengok. pastu bila orang sorak2 dia pon ngiau2 hahahaha bila tak layan nak gigit



sedihnya, ni je yang tinggal tahun ni yg dapat collect kat kampung. ma JG dawg. 4 orang je. last year kehadiran gila babi penuh. haha. since ada yg this year start beraya kampung bini. and guess what? epi dah ada baby boy la siot. epi ada baby boy is cam...ok buat aku tertanya what the fuck did i do with my life. even epi settled down and got himself a baby boy. and i said, i tried, twice. end of story


everyday is asam pedas day kalau balik batu pahat. ni dari kedai yang paling top kat batu pahat, asam pedas generation. member punya kedai. same taste throughout the years. ikan fresh. kuah tip top. nasi kukus aroma pandan yg sangatlah...gaddamn.


world famous mee racun tulang taman seri manja. i dont think this deserve any explanation isnt it? and guess what, belakang rumah ajerrr


ni, hidden jewels dalam batu pahat. hanya pure breed, truest batu-pahat people je tahu. kedai roti nan shuib, belakang post office. buka 6 pm sampai 12 am. the best foken nan evah. and kuah dia, gaddamn. kambing, kambing cincang, daging, daging cincang. and guess what? bubur ayam, mee goreng mamak dengan lontong goreng, boleh dapat 24/7 sini. takyah cerita ar sedap dia dia mcm mana. if any of you guys datang batu pahat, nan shuib is worth the visit.

okay. itulah sedikit sebanyak tentang raya saya tahun ni. oh ya, minggu depan 16/7 ada buat open house kecil-kecil untuk kawan-kawan. datanglah kalau free. and walaupun tak meriah or hype mana raya tahun ni, still boleh rasa the spirit of raya yg mana ramai kata diorang tak rasa raya best la apa la. i had my fair share of fun. raya is best!

till next post, ja! 



you move on. you lose nothing. you upgrade your game, upgrade yourself to a better version of you.

rasanya dah separuh tahun juga away from dota stuffs. last one is ESL Genting awal jan ritu. and now, since beberapa kali dah plan nak buat our own pubstomping tapi tak jadi jadi, this time, we gonna do it fo real, TI7.

the plan is to cam copy bts punya style, sambil2 ajak orang datang enjoy tgk final ti7. jual merchandise sikit2 and get along dgn semua yg datang tengok. few times dah sebenarnya nak organize instead of kita live update dekat twt_dota. and since this year punya organization pun dah restructure, new faces with fresh new energy n idea. seems like i am not going to retire from this anytime soon. 

anyway, meet the new team. 


ni buka pose ritu. lama tak gather mcm ni ramai2. izzoe pun dah duduk ipoh, iza takyah cakap siang malam keje buat mrt busy, raimi dgn company n baby sofea. and theres me, at least half of me sbb ezt nub tangkap gambar.


zyl, ezt, abu (not in pic, nani) sambil kena interview dgn press.


early may. nani datang so we hangout

so, theres like 2 place to choose from tuk dijadikan kita orang punya pubstomp. satu is escapade subang, which is cafe style n so, and since fundevour pun mcm nak assist, so im currently considering it. and another one is buat style betul2 pubstomp dekat mamak (ali b) kot. and sebelah dia ada mineski baru buka. so...since we can do something untuk promote mineski (we worked together few times juga for several events before this). i havent ada masa nak tulis the proposal betul2, tapi ini la idea dia for the time being. and since tak ada lagi jadual bila TI actually start dgn jadual apa semua nak register lagi for pubstomp kat valve, im gonna plan this one carefully. 

i didnt play video games with no ambition to be better, or never going to be part of it. you can tell me your stories, played this goddamn game from dota 1 bla bla bla. not until you meet me. i have been in every level of it. played for a team? done. win some cup? done. coach and manage a team? done. organize my own event? done. name it. i am not like you. i actually understand this game, i can feel it. not like you. you understand nothing about it. you cant even control your mouse properly. let alone understand the mechanics n meta deep enough. not to mention, contribute anything for the community.




X, Y, equations, actions and consequences.

kita semua ex orang. tak kiralah. dalam percintaan ke, pekerjaan ke, kelas ke, kawan ke, apa benda sekali pun. jadi tak perlulah kot rasa mcm best sangat.

selama-lama aku kenal pempuan, dan yang mana jadi gf ke apa benda you wanna call it, tak pernah sekali pun habis cara tak baik. eventho i have been cheated on, kena tinggal gitu takde jawapan ke, gaduh benda bodoh tapi takde satu pun yg end up jadi enemy ke membenci satu sama lain.

but not the current one. i dont know why and what happened. its fine, aku faham la dah habis and takde apa, patutnya dah boleh move on. sure we dated like few months and dah exchange i love you and all of that stuffs in between. tak apa, its ok u can call me gila ke syok sendiri ke whatever and it doesnt change any fact at all.

tapi ketahuilah. i am not that low nak sindir ke nak perli ke nak ajak gaduh and all of that stuffs. theres no need for me to do that. because i already tasted the best, survived the worst up until today. you just wont understand. i know you would read this (someday, sort of) and rasa mcm wtfnya.
but, whatever i am saying on my social media account, its not about u. i have tons of other things to think and worry about dari find my way back to you. tak susah pun nak faham - bila orang dah taknak, orang taknak. and i dont think you tak kenal pun kawan2 i. they all suka menganjing. and normallah/biasalah kawan-kawan menganjing, and kita layankan jela. takde sebab kenapa nak kena sindir or perli benda yang dah habis. you do you. tapi kalau nak terasa jugak dgn come by read all of my tweets, its on you. i am not a coward like you. running away from things. i confront things. i solve conflict. and this, shows how much you're insecure about yourself. looking for attentions, validations. bukan diri sendiri buat pun nak claim diri sendiri buat. tak rasa malu ke dgn diri sendiri ultimately? kemudian dgn orang sekeliling? and if i wanna take you down, i already did. bukannya tak pernah buat kat few liars over social media ni.

if i want to maki, i oredi maki. bukannya you dont know me. good job on sending few guys to pick a fight with me but they all are fuckin pussy (yeap pussy af). bunch of jobless/brainless kids over social media. dah la penakut, no game no frontin at all. hate me all you want. but you yourself tahu kot.

satu lagi tak payah la kot nak justify orang baik adalah orang yg tak pegi club tak mabok tak this tak do drugs and stuffs. narrowminded gila. i'd say, jalan dulu kat atas dunia ni, at least separuh dunia. and kenal lagi ramai orang. because people sin differently. and raised differently. doesnt mean he/she didnt do drugs, hes the worst kind of a person n tak layak nak bagi pendapat or hidup. you said urself you tak judge people and yet, you do the opposite. tak perlu bangga pun dgn benda2 mcm ni. being raised right, and do all of the right things ada beza dia. one can be alcoholic, or an addict, tapi dia tak menipu mcm you. or maybe even better, he help people tapi dia tak pernah tunjuk pun how when or why.

i dont wanna fight you, or even hate you. let alone talk to you. i did everything that i could. until one day, i realize, you are not worth the effort because u lack empathy inside of you. because to you, maybe your proud of yourself by being pretty and stuffs, but that isnt gonna last long. just because you're pretty, and stuffs, it can compensate your shitty attitude, example - lying. and not to mention sommore things. full stop.

were fuckin adults. act like one. and i dont need any validation from anyone like you. and i do judge people everyday and goes to sleep without no regrets. also, i am a proud drug addict. even better, a high functional drug junkie/addict unlike your shitty friends. loser IRL, loser in social media too.

sudahlah. why dont you be you, and i'll be me. and for your record, tak pernah sekali pun terniat or terlintas nak stalk ke apa benda. people tell me things all the time. i dont have to drag myself down to your level nak stalk2 or tengok2 orang ni. and please do your homework before cari gaduh ke send some kids again ke whatever. dont give me a reason to hate you pula. were fine like this.

and wow, ini 1st time bad ending rasanya. before this i've dated few people, and tinggalkan elok2, tapi tak pernah pun bergaduh ke apa benda mcm ni. jadi kawan siap. takde masalah apa.