tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14136121048681184202024-03-14T20:30:09.181+08:00endscapeQayyum Abdul Razakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11751962934101319135noreply@blogger.comBlogger1195125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1413612104868118420.post-90686041634546911222022-04-11T23:06:00.003+08:002022-04-11T23:06:56.635+08:00the long hiatus - 2022 edition<p> hello. 2022 huh, and its already april. 2nd week of april to be precise. were in jan and now suddenly april. </p><p>a lot happened since my last post. i was crumbling apart, yet somehow i displayed resilience. TLDR, i quitted my day job. rested for whole jan and feb (not really) i was busy updating and building my resume. all those 10 years, kena retrace balik to build me again. and yep. im now employed. haha being a merc for some small isp. yep i am still in telecommunication line but with less stress.</p><p>i had several offers. but knowing my own strength and weakness with provided 10 years of experience in telco/esports/event thingy has taught me well. do not rush on deciding my next move. was given a chance to head business development for a big esports corp, to help a friend's startup tech farm, offered a salary of a life time. but after going thru lots of slides and doing research on my own i decided not to. i have a lot to learn, and agricultural thingy isnt my forte too. i could learn, but with the responsibilities and also its a good friend of mine punya startup business, i have to decline. and i sign up with isp, pun invitation from a friend. we worked on a few project before in prev company. 2 years contract and i will try to make the most out of em.</p><p>oct/nov/dec - i learn a lot about myself during this period of time. and how to process my own feelings instead of ignoring them. i had to face myself just to break down the walls of ego i've built all these years. its okay to get help. its okay to ask for help. its okay for you to take your time and pace to deal with issues. difficult issues. i have to admit, to change the way my thought of process is one hell of a process. i have to constantly tell myself its okay, you dont have to finish now. take a step back. and try again. i would like to elaborate more but maybe in the next post. the whole process of rediscovering yourself. </p><p>right now. everything is in its place again. im a bit calmer, less to try to control things, and on my path to transcends myself to be even a better, wiser person. i pickup reading again tho. feels good. im reading alduos huxley's book - the doors of perception, heaven & hell. on my 2nd readthrough bcos its kinda heavy, besides making my own notes. also, ordered a few from book depository. same field of study but this time its from terrance mckenna/tao lin</p><p>two years of covid - i dedicated myself to embark on a journey that i dont think people could process or digest. psychedelics. i have tripped more than 150 hours i think and i have so many questions i would like to ask. im hungry for the knowledge so i do my own self study. every journal every figures i could dig my hands into. and i found myself. with the use of psychedelics and self meditation. i have travelled to the madness, to find me. i've listened to hours of podcast in the study field, talk to dr and researches in clubhouse engaging in every possible way i could. and at this point of life, i could say, psychedelics usage changed my life. kinda give me the purpose and the push i need just to keep on going. to push the boundary of human minds and how far can our mind go before we break. awaken, is the correct term. some would say spiritual awakening, some would say enlightenment. its in every field of study, related to almost every religion existed. in islam, its called sufi-ism, or mystic-ism. those sufies. in ancient buddha - the book of dead of tibetian, in hindu i cant recall whats its called. all leads to this state of mind. </p><p>i think i will write my experience in details regarding this psychedelics in another post. the whole process. now that i can explain it in a sense people could understand, i think its a call for me to educate people. to enlighten others, to be awaken too. it heals, it soothes. and i felt reborn again as myself, this time around, with knowledge. </p><p>alright, till my next post. selamat berpuasa, stay safe.</p>Qayyum Abdul Razakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11751962934101319135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1413612104868118420.post-42683550797055390892021-09-20T23:25:00.007+08:002021-09-20T23:27:03.131+08:00here to fall <p>after what have happened, only now i know why you were never happy. despite having everything you ever wanted. but do not do this to me. i deserve to be happy. please let me be happy.</p><p>if you cant be happy for me, or whatever im doing in my life, please stay outta my life forever. im done living the life which isnt mine to begin with. i cant have be having opinions about things, i cant enjoy things that i've earn on my own, which i work so hard for it. i am not a 4 y/o anymore for you to tell me things. the good and the bad. whatever the end result is, its on me. because i choose what to do with my life. not on you</p><p>you've hurt me so for so long. i repressed & bottled up whatever feelings i have since i was a child. i know i am a failure to you. being compared all my life with people around me, saying that i will never be enough for you. there was never a day i would have thought i would stop looking for your approval.</p><p>i have lived long enough on my own without all of those support system that you all been saying. which leads to the point, i would question you for not asking me things like </p><p>"are you happy now with your life?" </p><p>"whats the matter you look troubled/bothered?"</p><p>"if you're feeling tired, take some rest"</p><p>all of these thoughts, is what swallowing me whole. after a very long long period of time not processing feelings, or any down moment, or being in denial, this has taken its toll on me and my mental health. but you dont care. dont even bother to ask. all you do is just take take take take take and drop the bomb on me if im not complying to your cause. i have feelings you know. and im hurt. all these years. being compared to people too. why cant i just live my life the way i live my life. </p><p>to whatever approval or or validation that i've been seeking for so long, today is the day where i stop wanting all of those. </p><p>i matter. because i lived this life. i did my part. whats the point of living someone's else ideal life just for them to say, this is not what i want. </p><p>today is the day where i break free from whatever that keeps me down. enough. do not hold me back from reaching my full potential. and things im capable of doing</p><p>people could say no matter how bad it is, thats your family. no. i matter. my mental health matter. my life matter. i live this life, the way i live the life. it is what it is.</p><p><i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>disclaimer</b> - this post were written long before posting it here. theres a few more coming. depends on my mood </span></i></p>Qayyum Abdul Razakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11751962934101319135noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1413612104868118420.post-80917492576336447912021-08-04T20:01:00.002+08:002021-08-04T20:01:15.087+08:00just because i dont voice it out, it doesnt mean im not suffering<p>nak panggil bulan lepas dgn bulan ini bulan gila, aku rasa superficial. the truth is, the whole year itself yg gila. for 2 years, hidup kita ni habis mcm tu je. siang malam, pagi petang, susah senang mcm dah tak ada beza. </p><p>at some point aku rasa aku hopeful nak go on hidup another day. but im only human. bila sampai masa, aku penat. aku habis energy nak bagi dah. currently aku tgh struggle dgn benda2 kerja dgn hidup ni. aku faham semua orang struggle at this point. paling kesian, struggle nak hidup. nak makan pun takde apa nak makan. aku bersyukur la aku ada lagi keja ada lagi benda nak buat. but kau tak boleh la nak cakap aku tak struggle. or invalidate aku punya feelings just because aku tak voice it out or aku tak cerita.</p><p>i find it funny, walaupun umur aku dah 34 tahun ni, and benda yg paling close n faham perasaan aku - LINKIN PARK. each and every song dari diorang, untuk aku, aku boleh relate. aku rasa mcm aku cerita problem kat aku kat orang yg betul2 faham, dan dengar. benda2 yang aku rasa selamat untuk aku "cerita" pada orang tanpa kena judge. takde prejudice. not even mak aku. sikit la harini aku terasa dgn dia. untuk dia mudah. aku dah keje lama, dah simpan duit, senang hidup aku. and force aku untuk kawin, beli rumah, cari stable life mcm anak-anak kawan dia, mcm cousin-cousin aku. instead of tanya aku apa sebenarnya yg aku buat, apa yg aku rasa, dia buat aku mcm budak. usually aku reply sarcasm, or brush it off buat tak tau. but tah la aku rasa harini aku offended. </p><p>do you know about my sleepless nights? nights, days, years. of tak tido, tak boleh tido properly due things you'd never care about? tau ke aku ni apa benda buatnya, apa benda kerja ni? ada tanya tak aku ni happy ke dgn hidup aku sekarang ni? nampak part aku suka2, nampak part aku cica n merosakkan paru2. but pernah tak sikit la tergerak hati nak tanya benda2 ini? berbual n anggap aku mcm orang dewasa. bukan buat aku mcm budak-budak? </p><p>aku stress kat office. keadaan mcm ni. kerja yg patut buat in a team tapi aku galas sorang-sorang sebab takde satu pon yg berguna dalam ni. yg dia nampak tiap bulan aku masuk gaji, cukup time mintak itu mintak ini. tapi aku tak komplen. aku tau ini mmg tanggungjawab aku. tp buat aku mcm ni, aku ni apa? soul-less ke? mesen cari duit? everytime aku try nak cakap this and that, kena dismiss. dgn benda2 agama, benda derhaka.</p><p>aku bosan. apa manusia punya perasaan, experience ni semua invalidate ke bila kita letak faktor agama? apa2 semua kena takut tuhan 1st tanpa ko faham apa dia rasa? bila aku cakap sikit, kena dismis, zikir la itu la ini la syukur la. like zikir would solve my problem if aku zikir sampai aku bisu, sampai aku buta, sampai anak tekak aku pecah. aku tak question tuhan, aku question kenapa kau taknak faham dan suruh aku zikir membabi buta. 0 cubaan untuk tanya aku ni kenapa. aku dah tak kecik hati takde sapa peduli aku buat apa because im so used to it, tp untuk kau make fun n punish n mock, aku jadi frustrated. dunia ni hanya ada agama ke? benda lain tak valid by agama standard? jiwa? hati? perasaan? just because aku tak tunjuk or voice it out, aku tak rasa susah or tensi or whatever? </p><p>mmg nampak senang. takde problem. everyday busting my ass off out there, tp susah dia, aku je yg rasa, aku je yg faham. just because aku tak cukup moslem/islam, maksudnya aku jauh dari tuhan, tuhan tak bagi rahmat takleh tido malam? is that how things works in agama? ada consider faktor lain tak? dalaman, jiwa, fizikal, years of hardwork sampai jadi mcm ni. to you oh ok keje gaji boleh kawin boleh itu ini. tapi tau tak aku buat apa to get to that point?? tak realistik lansung. people need to express. just like you. aku rasa aku boleh faham mak aku. dia tak biasa dan tak boleh proses yg bapak aku skarang dah retire ada kat rumah n dia tak biasa hidup dgn orang tu ada kat rumah. dia jadi mcm tak keruan so dia lepaskan energy dia kat aku by harrasing aku day n night. aku boleh layan, tapi leave out all the rest. dah la nak kena hadap hidup yg mcm sial ni, nak hadap expectation dia dgn all those benda2 ugama yg sikit tak membantu at this point of life. no bukan aku menidakkan ugama, dont get me wrong. but before kau bagi solution, at least kau kena tahu dulu apa benda. bukan stret bagi ugama punya pov, doesnt work like that.</p><p>kalau aku cakap the drugs helps me more than solat, what would u say? boleh jawab soalan ni? like in the perspective yg kita boleh bahas, bukan solely letak dari segi keugamaan. dont go provoking me if you dont like my retaliation. also nak komen aku dok carut kat semua soc med lantak la kot. u dont understand at all. this is one of the reason kenapa aku tak share aku punya internal problems ke apa benda dispute dgn orang yg dekat dgn aku. family, even you. aku taknak orang dengar. aku nak benda tu selesai. trust issues aku, aku lagi selesa share dgn kawan2 yg aku jumpa dan hidup tiap hari. sibuk sangat benda orang nak cakap pasal aku, takut sangat orang kata mak tak geti ajar anak, infact, you shud educate the person yg cakap mcm tu, anak aku expressive, tak susahkan orang, tolong mak bapak so dia nak carut ke, dia nak express apa ke ikut dia. i need you to back me up and be proud of me instead of bring me down, and want me to be like the rest of the people. in this life, theres more than black and white. to add on, maybe you shud be grateful aku tak susahkan kau dgn masalah aku. i can manage on my own. </p><p>aku nak masuk 2 tahun kat sini menahan kegilaan, not a single day pun sibuk nak amik tau apa benda. cukup bulan masuk duit. cukup bulan bill paid, cukup bulan mintak je apa. tbh aku tak peduli pun. but never, never invalidate me. never ever said to me yes boleh faham boleh relate. you dont have any fucking idea how crazy it is inside and how lonely on the outside. you can never be the real you because u'll judge, eventho aku tak susahkan sapa2. this is my struggle. this is why i zone out. this is why i cant keep it straight with you, and you. its okay, aku ada system aku untuk overcome benda ni. yes god does play his part in this but its not fair untuk kata aku ni takde akal takde iman punya orang. i am well aware. im no child anymore. maybe its about time for you to accept that i am an adult. i can have opinions, u cant say shit to me cus i just simply wont listen and camne aku nak respon balik is entirely on me. you cant make me do things i dont want. </p><p>im an adult now. im 34. you should treat me with respect. dont invalidate me with some old school tunggang agama kind of nasihat. i can think for myself. not so many people my age lived until today and get to tell their stories.</p><p>i got so many things to write and post, this is one of em. and so much more. </p><p>dont kill my vibe. im doing so well right now in this crazy times. </p>Qayyum Abdul Razakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11751962934101319135noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1413612104868118420.post-37419838852411501372020-11-26T02:00:00.004+08:002020-11-26T02:00:32.164+08:00the absence<p> hi.</p><p><br /></p><p>its been 5 months hiatus isnt it? a lot happened during that period of time. i havent been posting, but i do keep up with my journal. most of the writings isnt appropriate to be posted for the time being. dark hours. being so lost so out of place for months, trying to look for myself. not the best thing to share. </p><p>its been almost 2 weeks since im trying to live my new life routine. i was out of control. self destruct, countless acts of self sabotaging because i am addicted to it. no any other reasons. the last breakup was devastating. and its started to get it toll on me day by day. </p><p>tbh, i dont really know how to process the whole journey. of separating, losing someone you hold dear very much. i tried. fyi. with everything i have. and i thought by not processing it, trying to skip it at least it wouldnt hurt that much. doing drugs or getting high helps, but i'll always succumb to the pain and void you've leave behind. </p><p>my nights - unbearable.</p><p>my days - empty</p><p>no matter what i do, it doesnt seems to help to ease the pain i've been feeling. </p><p>but dont worry, its not like im losing hope. im trying to cope here. tryna move on with life. i know this would take sometimes. one step at a time. i've been resetting my life, tryna live healthy. these days i smoke a lil bit less. started to go to the gym, sleep early. and in the end i realize that the person that i need to beat, is my ownself. </p><p>im on my way there, and through this journey you might find me a bit tense (its due to the tolerance break from all of those drugs, chemical imbalance inside of my head - yes i knew the risk and i knew how to get a hold on those episodes, no harm, i did my study). just avoid getting on my nerve (dry conversation, asking me bout my day and am i okay - i am okay unless stated otherwise).and yeap its all good.</p><p>this year is one helluva of a year. 2020. </p><p>we'll make thru this year, somehow. </p><p>ja!</p>Qayyum Abdul Razakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11751962934101319135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1413612104868118420.post-53471944879433551682020-06-17T01:21:00.002+08:002020-06-17T01:21:58.105+08:00another raya post. <div style="text-align: center;">
just some pics, and long ass captions</div>
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went to falah's house. one of those blood brothers until today. motor buat hal lak nak balik dia takmau hidup. hahaha. feels great catching up sambil makan. good lad. heres us, handsomely posing fer hari raya haha</div>
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1st time beraya tiada family bersama. and heres the family pic without my sister yaya, me and my lil brother man. and heres baby qarizh buat muka hahaha dia ni mmg tau. rindu family. almost 6 bulan takda balik. sigh miss mom's cooking too. will definitely balik for raya haji!</div>
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family adik dgn baby qarizh. aint he super cute. hehe</div>
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so tak balik kan haritu. i decide to host a raya pardy open house style with ma homies. since lama gila tak lepak, and pkp pon dah longar, we rent this one cool airbnb right next to klcc (500 meter away) for 3 days and 2 night. best gila babi and surely going to repeat next time. families.</div>
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heres the pic right outside our balcony. majestic. i stayed right from the 1st day until the next day, to witness KL yang kosong, bertukar dari siang ke malam. </div>
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<br />Qayyum Abdul Razakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11751962934101319135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1413612104868118420.post-39033347891761690092020-05-24T03:08:00.001+08:002020-05-24T03:08:30.631+08:00selamat hari raya!selamat hari raya cov-eid fitri!<br />
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finally. lepas get back into routine kamis lepas, i felt much better. routine helps me get back into life. put all the pieces back together lepas 60 days of mco. bit by bit comeback to my senses. having a system helps. with each and every task for the day give the energy and purpose once again.<br />
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surely, akan rindu mco. cant believe we are surviving thru pandemic. we show resilience throughout the mco phases. some of us suffered physically, some mentally. many has lost jobs, business. some even loved ones. one day we get to tell the stories to our children and may they learn the mistakes once we did.<br />
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anyway. this is the first time raya without my family. this year raya dgn adik, and few friends. for starters, my family isnt really a normal one. i mean, for me. might be different for my siblings. i was raise in a tough love kind of environment where love and affections werent so nice to me. but its there. the love. unconditional love. and i grew up and understand why they did that. so that i can become the person i am, today. the best part, tiada drama raya biasa family pagi raya. haha. i miss home. i miss my parents. i miss my nephews siblings the food, my friends. the tradition every raya, bbq night with the boys. hatiku sedikit terusik, telinga didendangkan alunan lagu raya seketikanya aku sedang berkerja di pejabat. iimagine kerja dalam mood raya. i even counted lagu raya apa main, siapa nyanyi at one point. its tough, but you gotta pull it through. wasnt so bad. kau ada bumbung nak tido, makan nak makan, kawan2 nak ajak borak and all the things you ever need and wanted.<br />
<br />
mco has taught me many things. and i am grateful for it.<br />
<br />
so far aku dah susun few activities for raya ni. we gon have raya pardy coming up soon. looking forward to lepak with the boys. lama gila tak jumpa.<br />
<br />
again, kalau ada salah silap, selama-lama you readers (cey) been knowing me personally or crossed path before, terlebih terkurang, saya memohon maaf. saya susun sepuluh jari meminta keampunan sekali lagi andainya diberi peluang. selamat hari raya aidil fitri.<br />
<br />
stay safe, goodnight!<br />
<br />Qayyum Abdul Razakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11751962934101319135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1413612104868118420.post-12007345132556859412020-05-09T09:09:00.000+08:002020-05-09T09:10:08.762+08:00taking back controlday 50+<br />
<br />
theres like a lot of things on my plate right now. i have completely lost my mojo. i am unorganized, purpose-less, i dont even know what day or time it is, and pretty much knowing that i am alive when i open up my eyes.<br />
<br />
and those dreams (perhaps in the next coming post, drafted already)<br />
<br />
to this date i think it is safe to assume that i havent gotten any night sleep normally since the day mco started. i have nothing more that i can use to help myself get up at this point. those happy pill wasnt really helpful in long terms. it gave me the boosts that i need but thats it. i cant get that breakthrough anymore. being so lost so out of place, almost no more willpower to endure this any longer.<br />
<br />
you no longer feel like giving up, bcos theres nothing left to give up on. like being sucked into one of those void. timeless, endless. its dark down here. on my own.<br />
<br />
"lets not talk to each another anymore"<br />
"You will deal w/ whatever demon you're dealing rn and i dnt wnt any part of it"<br />
<br />
she said.<br />
<br />
i always knew that i will never be enough. but no worries. even im tired of being me too. i didnt respond back because we both know that i have to let you go. you were right. i am self sabotaging. i am addicted to it. you was never wrong, and how fool of me thinking that i could prove you wrong. i wasnt trying tbh.<br />
<br />
surviving thru pandemic, at home, with no timeline to work with due to the nature of my work, is hard. i did everything that i could in my might to stay sane. imagine if i did engage with (im sorry i have no other way of saying this) your provocations. my ego, against your stubbornness. theres no end to that. sorry that i got boring. i did everything.<br />
<br />
last night official email came in. look like im gonna get back to work on the 14th. thats a start. few days left to pickup whatever left in me, to get back into the routine. once i get my tempo, i can start fixing other things. something must be done.<br />
<br />
get some sleep, rehydrate, rejuvenate. get back that zen mode.<br />
<br />
these are the words that i wanted to say last time, but i didnt have the chance to.<br />
<br />
"you are wonderful. from day one, until now"<br />
"im sorry i cant keep the other half of my bargain, i tried my best, and i've tried everything but not trying to understand your needs or by lowering my ego"<br />
<br />
trying to go thru this pandemic on my own, is what killing me inside. but like i said before, my feelings arent important or worth mentioning.<br />
<br />
<br />
p/s : i havent sleep yet, about to. lets just reset this for the last time.<br />
<br />
goodnight.<br />
<br />Qayyum Abdul Razakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11751962934101319135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1413612104868118420.post-18532025998903973742020-05-03T05:48:00.000+08:002020-05-03T05:48:04.403+08:00a letter to my 23 y/o self. hello there, younger version of me. fresh out of the oven, ready to take over the world. lemme give you a spoiler. yes you did it. i dont know how exactly did you it, but you did it. it gets hard at some point, but you're always come around. even if you're knocked down for the 7th time, and you will always comeback on the 8th.<br />
<br />
listen. i need you to take care of your ownself aite? taking care of yourself also means taking care of me too. you'll need this in the future. because me, the future you right now isnt so sure of what is he doing. all that energy that i used to have, was no longer there. i was super sensitive. i was mad, all the time. the soul seems to have gone out of me, now.<br />
<br />
this happens bcos you have too much to give. not money, not time. but yourself. you ignore yourself. being self-less, has its consequences. i know you take pride of your selfless-ness. you get so busy with people until you forget that you're important too. this is what i've learnt up until today.<br />
<br />
heroic act consumes you. so does sacrifices. not every war and battle is yours, and no matter the outcome might or might not be, is in your favor. it consumes you, where it wants you the most. at your weakest point. and the problem with being the strong one is, theres no one offers a hand, doesnt matter if you need it, or not. not everyone matches your energy.<br />
<br />
i hope you find acceptance. the kind that rings through your bones. the kind that quiets the voice inside of you that tells you that you are not good enough. or that you're falling behind.<br />
<br />
i hope you forgive yourself. for all the mistakes you have made, intentionally, or unintentionally, affecting whoever that just might cross their path with yours. and i also hope that you learn on how to let go.<br />
<br />
in order to heal. to grow. or even to survive. you are doing your best. and do not forget, you're a human being, just like the rest of us. you have a heart too. please do not forget that.<br />
<br />
now. go out there. live your life. no regrets. you live only once.<br />
<br />
KITA MESTI TERUS HIDUP, BRADER!Qayyum Abdul Razakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11751962934101319135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1413612104868118420.post-50665650929649560442020-04-23T12:01:00.004+08:002020-04-23T12:01:34.400+08:00Different age<div style="text-align: center;">
Oh, you don't know me 'cause I'm from a different age</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And you can't see me 'cause I live in a different age</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And you can hurt me but you wouldn't know what to say</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But you should believe me, our dreams are all the same</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Like a life without love</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
God, that's just insane</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But a love without a life</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Well, that just happens everyday</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I wish I could change, but I'll probably just stay the same</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I wish you could see the Lord</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But this poem is a joke and the melody I wrote, wrote!</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
. . .</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Oh, you can't hear me 'cause I sing to a different age</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And you should fear me 'cause I believe in a different age</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But I live in the city that lives in a different age</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Oh, I live in a city that lives in a different age</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Where all the poets are writing up wires</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And our just singing songs</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Oh, all the poets are writing up wires</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And hours are just singing</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
This city's got nothing for you here, kid</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Oh, I told you just go home</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They're saying this city is useless</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But we've already done it all</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Oh, all the poets are writing up wands</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And hours just singing songs</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I wish you could see the Lord</div>
Qayyum Abdul Razakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11751962934101319135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1413612104868118420.post-43872395680713308032020-04-21T02:12:00.001+08:002020-04-21T02:12:19.130+08:00the new normal.hello. hows everyone doing. i hope ya all fine and dandy. the new normal huh? which isnt really normal, considering...circumstances.<br />
<br />
my new normal?<br />
<br />
its been few weeks since i had proper, normal sleep. i only take naps. and summore naps in between. working from home has taken its tool on my body. and my mind. since currently im working on a rotation basis, it further more ruins my pattern. and also, being in operation, getting emails and the urgency to reply is what keeping awake. i sleep for few hours, text/email came in.<br />
<br />
thats one thing. theres time where i felt so alone. tired to sleep it off few times. one time i ended staring at the walls for hours. and the sun came up, fall asleep few hours after on my own. talking to friends helped, a bit. most of the times i'll be working, or play some games killing the time. tired to take a break from soc med for few days, try to spent some me time by doing chores. laundry. housekeeping the pc and stuffs. does help initially. and when you had nothing to do - the cycle starts again.<br />
<br />
it is safe to say that at this point, i've lost my motivation. i have no purpose. i lose focus. my mojo. i dont text back. i feel easily irritated. i've bottled up so much inside, few times losing it. most of the time drowning in the feelings of useless-ness. i push people away. even my loved ones. more silly and small fights over and over. knowing i am being the toxic one, i decided to cut myself off. just like that. i dont want to fight no more. i might burst. i dont want that to happen. and for that, i am sorry.<br />
<br />
also happening for few times. i would never have thought i've reached my limit - shisha. lol at one point i feel like puking bcos i think i had enough and my lungs are giving up on me. i think, lung cancer is going to get me before corona does.<br />
<br />
wfh - besides have to keep up with office work, people from all sorts of places. tanya itu ini. faham, mro and stuffs but can u please respect my space...tak kira siang..malam. want me to do this, to do that. bukan taknak buat, buat je. but with courtesy. and with less urgency. i will tend to your request but please dont push me. most of the things can be checked online/apps kot. try lah dulu before tanya. its common sense. sometimes okay la spoon fed. tapi tak ke tu malas... and it can be super overwhelming for me. my phone tak berhenti masuk noti. i feel annoyed.<br />
<br />
mro also has taken its toll on my buddy abu. dude hasnt been sleeping well and i can see him struggling. until 3 days ago he went missing, and i started looking for him. thank god he reached out to his sister and on the way recovering. do check on your friends and family status. just a simple hi hw r u is enough.<br />
<br />
okay. i think this is for now. try not to worry about me. so far i survived, eventho its so hard to do so. but i do appreciate tho, if people do check up on me. may this pandemic end soon and we all can go back to our normal, "normal" state.<br />
<br />
selamat berpuasa too. stay safe, wash your hands and practice social distancing.<br />
<br />
ja!Qayyum Abdul Razakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11751962934101319135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1413612104868118420.post-56061846515261621862020-03-23T02:20:00.002+08:002020-03-23T02:20:28.667+08:00the lockdownthe lockdown has taken its toll on me, mentally, and physically. today is day 5. i did nothing but sleep, eat, smoke pot, had a couples of dimitri's cousin, lasida. was an okay day, but tired due to not doing anything.<br />
<br />
anyway. its work from home season, so i was lucky since i just bought a new PC! YAY! idk whats wrong with my old computer, i had recently installed ssd, and everything seems to be okay until i cant update my windows, and it keeps going into blue screen.<br />
<br />
the first format - last about 2 weeks before it gone blue screen again. so i thought, must be the ssd. so i get another ssd. and the same shit happen in a week. i even sent back the 1st ssd to repair, which isnt damaged at all.<br />
<br />
and i tried to reformat again, and it happened. that was the line drawn there. so the next morning, i went to get my new pc. after considering and upgrade for the old pc, which would costs almost half the price for a new pc, better ambil pc baru. and so i did.<br />
<br />
i went for amd this time. lepas being so loyal to intel for so many years, rasa mcm nak try la amd. not bad. so far so good.<br />
<br />
upgrade the whole set, and got me another ssd. which is m2 ssd where u just attach it dekat motherboard. best, boot pc takes only seconds. less than 10 sec.<br />
<br />
so heres the specs.<br />
<br />
amd ryzen 5 2600<br />
gigabyte a320m s2h v2<br />
600w power supply - hydro k<br />
m2 ssd<br />
nvidia rtx 2060 ti with ray tracing systems<br />
and t-force 16 gb of ram color.<br />
<br />
damage? 3200+/- lepas discount. puas? yes aku puas. beli dekat mana? beli dekat racun tech. yes. kedai dia mungkin jauh nun di setia alam sana, but the price sangat okay, berbaloi.<br />
<br />
heres the final product<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic_fuFQNAQFcTZWTnf03yxRdjGROeElhmBq_0zJYG3dj4dLO-8y0_HV_ipOoO4casH8uZBV_XQVCtwtXOOY6l_50YexUnBzvfHPBtXPGWvy124wYgF5FXuVoS-rixjoUiejIP2OKrxG7mT/s1600/IMG-20200223-WA0005.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="810" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic_fuFQNAQFcTZWTnf03yxRdjGROeElhmBq_0zJYG3dj4dLO-8y0_HV_ipOoO4casH8uZBV_XQVCtwtXOOY6l_50YexUnBzvfHPBtXPGWvy124wYgF5FXuVoS-rixjoUiejIP2OKrxG7mT/s320/IMG-20200223-WA0005.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
casing dia a bit smol, tapi ok la kot.later ada extra might upgrade. the games? semua boleh bubuh setting ultra high, fps dalam 160-120 depending the game. so far cod full graphic settings is superb. been playing cod since last thursday non stop. jadi tahi. ni dah wfh ni entah apa la jadi<br />
<br />
also. sila lah stay indoors during this restriction order. only go out when u really need it. wear mask. wash your hands. less social media. people are going nuts out there, and i am here thinking that i am the crazy one.<br />
<br />
btw, check out this song -<br />
<br />
LP - lost on you<br />
LP - tightrope<br />
LP - when were high.<br />
<br />
seeyah!Qayyum Abdul Razakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11751962934101319135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1413612104868118420.post-40694112083418473252020-03-08T03:33:00.000+08:002020-03-08T03:33:08.131+08:00was down, for the count.hello. whatsup? its been a while since i got the time to actually come here and write something. transfer thingy happened. was the worst few weeks of my 2020, and it doesnt end there. i was down, for the count, last week of feb due to some viral/bacterial fever. this time? ina hospital bed.<br />
<br />
i thought i could take a few days off and recover on my own, but it wasnt like that. i had to go to the hospital because i cant breathe. my nose/nostrils are blocking air. i had to breathe using my mouth. they tested me for influenza A and also corona, results were negative. then the took lots of blood. day in day out and find out i had this bacterial infection in the blood, with bad bad tonsil, which already bloody and infected.<br />
<br />
took me 4 days, 4 bottles of iv drip, 4 bottle of super antibiotics which kill everything (well they kinda did). the pain? dont ask. i was in pain due to the veins being dripped/antibiotic, also the meds turns me super weak, nauseous, unpleasant headaches. it doesnt stop there. after i went home, i had to took tablets form of em. i was out of commission for almost 2 weeks.<br />
<br />
now, im almost recovered. hence, the update (still had to finish the antibiotics). and last thursday i went for a follow uip, and we agree to remove my tonsil after raya. right after that, proceed with the laparoscopy to fix my bad bad gerd/acid reflux.<br />
<br />
i learn alot actually, regarding my own health during my time there. no wonder when im asleep, but i am still aware of whats happening around me. my sleep, wasnt the "sleep" im supposed to have. due to my tonsils, i develop sleep apnea. sleep apnea (common name snoring) was in the way of my sleep. due to my brain doesnt fully shut down during the sleep, it doesnt/cant release the resting hormones - which contribute to fatigue, sleepiness, tiredness, problem to lose weight, all the stress.<br />
tbh, kinda regret my decision of not doing it sooner. i was given a referral to remove my tonsil few years back.<br />
<br />
there. thanks for visiting, you know who you are. bring me foods n stuffs. i will try my best to take care of my ownself after this. do not nag to me like im 3 or something. also, will try my best to come here often and tell you stories.<br />
<br />
for now, thats it.<br />
<br />
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i look like shit waktu ni. i cant get my ass out of the bed. i was out for 12-13 hours a day. hahah. hence the AR version of me</div>
<br />Qayyum Abdul Razakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11751962934101319135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1413612104868118420.post-29739701237134546262020-01-05T03:55:00.000+08:002020-01-05T03:55:05.308+08:00one decade. my december has been a wild ride from the start, until the very last of it. its 332 am rn. and i cant sleep. theres a few things that lingers inside of my head.<br />
<br />
as you all know, or might not know. i have been transferred to johor. particularly mersing. starting on 16/1 onwards. im battling a battle which i cannot win obviously, begging the boss to let me stay but he drops the ultimatum already. and the only thing that can save me now, is my old bosses mercy.<br />
<br />
either i drop the lob im doing right now, and float for a couple of months, before i get a pos within another lobs. which is not going to happen in this shortest of time, but im trying. hopefully theres someone out there who would take my place, and i'll gladly took his. at this point, beggars cant choose.<br />
<br />
but thats not the point.<br />
<br />
the truth is.<br />
<br />
i cant cant leave here, because i have you. my biggest concern? leaving you. im not done yet...heck i didnt even start yet. i had so much planned out for 2020. god.<br />
<br />
then all the other things too. but it can wait.<br />
<br />
i am not ready to for distance, between us. not yet...<br />
<br />
and today i had fun. i get to spent my day with you. and i dont know why it does feel like its the last time im gonna see you. it never happened yet, but to me, its already happening. i dont even remember what color are youre wearing today. i barely remember your smiles without look at the camera gallery, pictures we took today. part of me, regretted that i didnt take as much photo together. i have no intention of not taking pictures together, or even show you off in my soc meds n stuffs. what you and i have, is something special. something so sacred, so pure. only you and i knew whats going on. in our own world.<br />
<br />
im thankful. i learned a lot from you.<br />
to end this decade with you, i want to do it. i'll do it a 1000 times. over and over.<br />
<br />
"until every stars in the galaxy dies and fades away"<br />
<br />Qayyum Abdul Razakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11751962934101319135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1413612104868118420.post-47711195206431868372019-12-18T00:45:00.002+08:002019-12-18T00:45:57.219+08:00something about time, something about distance. i know you'll find me here. <div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
look.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
right now, isnt the best time to be playin. this, needs time. us, needs time. im sorry i lashed out just now. its just the noise i cant silence them. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
look, this is what distance did to us. soon, test of time. we gotta figure out. do something. few more weeks ahead to look forward to. stay to the gameplan. until every stars in the galaxy fades. </div>
Qayyum Abdul Razakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11751962934101319135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1413612104868118420.post-91366685196482622282019-11-26T01:41:00.001+08:002019-11-26T01:41:48.495+08:00some great other weekendhei-ya. sorry for not coming here so often. i've have been busy for a while. juggling in between work, projects, and also some other business.<br />
<br />
im gonna briefly talk about esports development - exciting times. last 2 week theres this event LVL UP, held kat KLCC Convention Centre where its like our own mini E3, i went there, as a guest and have a look myself on whats going on. theres syed saddiq there to address and introduce the malaysian team competing in next week SEA Games. kinda exited that finally esports get their chance to be featured in such sports event. its a start. towards the esports growth in SEA, especially here in malaysia.<br />
<br />
theres tons of booth on that day, from developers to cosplayers, to showcase their game developments, projects. you name it. they even have this talks on how to groom yourself to become streamer, pro gamer, and also of course from the esports people in the industries. to talk about the growth and future of the esports.<br />
<br />
malaysia still have a long long way to get to that pioneer level, but damn sure it starts right here, right now.<br />
<br />
and heres some of the picture from the day.<br />
<br />
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here at the event, tickets courtesty from Whats The Meta! team</div>
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i get to test play the GIGABASH game, 100% develop by our own local developer. which is pretty nice. it has super smash bros vibes, with their own unique character. it has 4 character atm, and definitely there will be tons of other char to play with</div>
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anyway thats me, weebing myself out</div>
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met fiera fendi, awesome as always. </div>
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kinda want to try this iron man VR games but the que is too long. sigh. i waited like 30 mins and the dude wont stop playing. </div>
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again, me but this time i sign up with lapar esports team, our official partner!</div>
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considering how are things gonna improve from here on. i have been working on some personal projects too. to convert twt_dota to some esports portal that will cover news, mainly in bahasa, and also will start to produce our own content. we currently the paper is being discussed, and i look forward to this projects. not only dota, but every esports games that we could get our hands on.<br />
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till then,<br />
JA!Qayyum Abdul Razakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11751962934101319135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1413612104868118420.post-63179428514134803392019-10-30T01:53:00.001+08:002019-10-30T01:56:26.839+08:00im going to talk about this, openly. i have found a cure. a cure for my condition - mental state, addiction, anxiety, sleeplessness and perhaps many more. a good friend of mine, introduce me to this substance called DMT. to call this DMT a drug would be criminalizing it, im not going to call it a drug, instead of drug, lets call it substance.<br />
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TL;DR, dmt is obtained from plants, synthesized from ayahusca which contains psychedic properties which usually called "spirit particle" by shamans n traditional practitioner to perform rituals. either by them, or by their patients. in science, dmt is taken by smoking, drinking, or some by consuming. and it produced intense, but very short psychedelic experience that affects visual and auditory senses. simply put, hallucinations, depending on how one's method of consumption.<br />
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i did my fair share of researchs and readings. by fair share, i mean lots of journals and documentations, starting from the early 1900s, and how dmts evolved into lsd and whats nots, from joe rogan, mike tyson to albert hoffman's research papers. videos and kinds of stuff. just so i know what am i dealing with here. so far theres no known side effects, no known addictions, to published papers regarding the downside of the dmt usage.<br />
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and i pop-ed my 1st dmt 3 weeks back. oh ya i took one small pill of dmt. after meal. at first i thought this is nothing, just like consuming space cakes and space tea but then after half an hour, dmt took over.<br />
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this is how my journey, through the dmt trip feels like.<br />
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first, all i see is geometrical patterns, shapes and sizes in multicolor rotating rapidly and react to whatever lights my eyes were focused to, during that time, i am watching looney toons. screen flicks several times, the color, and how i perceive and process visual images are distorted. not in a bad way, but in a good way, its like being in a machine, or clock tower, or maybe inside prism or kaleidoscope, or maybe if u ever went to the diamond exhibition, and when they let you check the diamond patterns, it would be like that. but more intense, colorful, everything was moving and shaped themselves rapidly.<br />
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that was only the 1st 10 mins, entering 20, my breathing, heart rate were slowed down, and steady. but breathing is a bit hard (by hard i mean, you keep seeing the patterns and it was so good until you forgot how to breathe, but you can control your thoughts by telling yourself that you need to breathe, and yes you'll breathe becos of our automated body response) for 10 mins i feel so good, and i thought ok this is good, not knowing there will be several trips and cycle throughout the journey (i would love to call this a journey and you'll know why)<br />
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entering 25 mins, kepala mula rasa sedap. different dengan sedap high/stoned from smoking weed/pots/nicotine. every inch of your head, with your brain, feel massaged. and this is where the magic happens. at this moment, i closed my eyes, and lie down on my bed. and right after i closed my eyes, the pattern that i've been seeing took me somewhere else. to a place where the 4th dimension or whatever dimension it is. it was so..beautiful. and calming. and tbh, i was well aware of whats happening. and so, i put on my earbuds, and start listening to some deep focus music. everything happened so fast and i was taken into the outside world where all of these other beings (i call them beings because i cant explain what are them actually). being of colors, shapes, aliens. and if feels like they all talking to me, showing me what is there behind this existence, consciousness.<br />
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as i go deeper within the realms and calming and focus music, at one point i could see my soul, leave my physical body. at one point, i thought that i was dead. i can no longer breathe. i am no longer in this world, physical world. but one of the beings showed me that i wasnt dead yet. i was inside their reality. and became ome of them. they dont technically speak verbally, but somehow they communicate with you, and you understand them. deeper and deeper i navigate through the reality cycles, at one point i feel like every secrets and knowledge of this universe were at my fingertip, i was holding this book, and keep scrolling but there wasnt enough time to read em all. and these beings showed me how to do it.<br />
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this cycle last for few hours. and i was well aware of whats happening. my eyed were completely shut, and i was completely inside of their world. i could see and do everything i ever wanted. and i went to bed after that. around 530 in the morning. i wake up around 9 and noticed that the effects were still there, but wearing off.<br />
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my messed up mind, were no longer carry all of those messes, or thoughts. i feel like every inch of the burden that i've been carrying behind my back, were lifted away from me. i dont feel sluggish or irritated due to less sleep, nor contemplated with task and chores lined up. and i can recall of what happened.<br />
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and this is how i can put all of those cycle or trip, in a sentence.<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>"<span style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21;">What a journey last night. I traverse into the hidden reality inside of my head, of lights, of love, of thoughts, of the deepest consciousness of my mind within the very fabric of the reality itself. And I went to bed right after. Its like having and viewing your entire life and soul from the 3rd eye</span></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Waking up feeling reset, and all the pain and burden has been taken away, lifted up from me. To realize it was there inside of my head and i have no idea how to access the hidden reality amaze me. Incredible."</i></span></div>
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after that, i did some more research on all the sufi's, buddha monks and how they all achieve this peace or some would call zen in non-science perspective. and it seems they can reach this by meditating and surrender themselves into nothing-ness. because by default, dmt would be released from our brain right before death but these meditation methods used by these sufi's and monks could also help to release and develop dmts.<br />
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i feel better, day after day after day. i no longer feel angry. or resentments. i feel healed. all of my worries were gone. sleeping were easier than it should be. more focused. i am calmed. collective thoughts. like i was the better version of my ownself. i feel like reborn-ed into a new brain. all of those minor headaches were gone. no more anxiety. no more self hatred, i dont even feel like telan orang like i used to feel everyday. until today. one article says this effect would last for 6 months, depending on the person's surroundings and mental state. i finally, made peace with myself. and it feels so good. all it took was one pill, just one pill.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">update: i dont feel like smoking cica, even better, i dont even think about smoking/have the urge to do or weed/pot. im sober. im free of any anxiety drugs. my mind were crystal clear. i made better judgment and calls, i sleep better at night. more focused and determind. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">p/s : please dont do drugs. whatever drug</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">p/s 2: people should at least try, dmt once in their lives. get that hard "reset"</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">p/s 3: be responsible</span>Qayyum Abdul Razakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11751962934101319135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1413612104868118420.post-45526250462791382892019-10-07T01:55:00.002+08:002019-10-07T01:55:58.913+08:00things that you've asked me before - part oneher - "<i>why do you push people away. after what you've done to them?"</i><br />
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honestly. i have been answering your question with questions. probably deflect them every time the question pops out from your mouth.<br />
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but heres some answers,<br />
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for me to defend myself<br />
to clarify<br />
to compensate with all the things i did to put us apart so many times. again and again.<br />
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all of my actions, which i cant put into words. or even explain.<br />
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you probably doesnt have any idea how alone i feel, during my younger days. i dont want to talk about that, to be away from your family, and siblings does that do me. i didnt the chance to bond with them normally like other people do. parents were stricts. asian style parenting. the only people that i can talk to, share things to or do things with - friends. the reason why i easily made friends with everyone. im loud. im easy going. i always said yes. and to keep up that energy up high, is tiring. when the day ends, all i want is just to go back home, put some distance between them people. i would like some space, to regain, collect myself.<br />
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sometimes, when its getting overwhelming. im having difficulty to concentrate. i lose focus. and i bcome sloppy, and vulnerable. more to like annoyed. and i cant keep up. i hate to let them down when im like this. so the best way is to push them out. keep some distance. but in a proper manner. when ever i have the chance to.<br />
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it happen sometimes, days when you feel easily irritated - due to work, stress. anxiety. my tolerance towards people are very-very low. i tried to control myself most of the time. but it doesnt seems to work. the best way to let it go is to come down to soc med, and let them dumass people have it.<br />
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i dont think i deserve to be happy. i feel like i am a burden, to everyone. and i dont want to hurt them when i get too close, and comfortable. and when i do, i am vulnerable all over again. easily get hurt. i've been hurt before. i dont want to go thru that anymore. i build my walls up so high, so nobody would get past that. some would, and when i realize they invade my space, that is when i push them out. again and again. which i did to you, countless of time before. without any explanation.<br />
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i know its not fair to do this bcos of what had happened before. i am still traumatized. i give my all, and look like my all, isnt enough. people go. they took everything away from me. and i learned alot from my previous relationship. but still, my heart, yearns for one, hoping this is one, everytime.<br />
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this is the illusion i've created to hide my true self from people just so i not to be seen as weak. a loner.<br />
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i know what does it feels like to be alone. i know what does it like not having support system growing up. i dont expect you to read this (ceh mcm dia tahu bout this space). maybe one day you'll stumbled upon this space, and you'll get your answers.<br />
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its almost 2 am. and i think i should go.Qayyum Abdul Razakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11751962934101319135noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1413612104868118420.post-40248554953577252552019-09-17T02:05:00.001+08:002019-09-17T02:05:43.059+08:00yeap. skincare. im gonna write something about skincare products and routine. yup. this world is going crazy. kayum is writing about skincare. actually i dont really care about skincare product and routine. but menjelang 30+ ni, and due to years and years of kerja luar, terdedah to all of habuks, sinaran UV, not even moisturizer or sunblock, muka aku cam kering n teruk. to one point mengelupas due to kurang minum air n tak jaga properly i guess.<br />
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i tried la skincare before. tapi basic. pakai facewash. from garnier, to biore, apa benda for men semua aku belasah. and i always thought that my face is oily, tapi tidak. sebenarnya sangat dry. and i've been using the wrong facewash, on my skin. punyalah lama. lepas tu i keep on using (masa belom tahu) wrong facewash, and tambah rutin moisturizer. things wasnt improving until hatim ajar cara yg betul since hes a pharmacist. mula2 pakai sha-tera. organic based. bagus. tapi pedih sebab ingredients dia. but then kena combo dgn moisturizer. pakai satu je, takde moisturizer kulit kering balik.<br />
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and now. lepas mendapat konsultasi dari this one fella, im using kiehls. spent 3 hours dalam tu. consultation dia best, dia try ni, try tu. and she teach me a lot of things. skincare ni apa sebenarnya. apa rutin dia. mende related semua ah. and now barulah aku tahu theres 4 basic things yg a guy shud know in his skincare routine.<br />
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1. cleanser - to clean your face setiap pagi, and before sleep. excessive oil, dirt, apa benda semua dia buang. tepek je kat muka, dont rub, massage slowly sampai lah sekata, and biar around 30 sec to 1 min baru bilas muka.<br />
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2. toner - this one functions as sekatakan tone kulit kau. pores besar dia kecikkan, and whats not. tak berapa geti nak explain, tapi remember, before you apply any serum, or whatever, pakai toner dulu.<br />
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3. moisturizer - moisturizer punya function is to trap all the lembab inside the skin so taklah kering, and sentiasa keep your skin moist, and hydrate from extreme weather out there. sejuk dalam aircond pun kena bcos aircond sebenarnya keringkan kulit juga somehow.<br />
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4. sunblock - this one optional. tapi i think penting juga. sebab aku naik motor, terdedah direct sunlight. so this one keep your skin dari kena bakar hidup2 and absorb all of the uv lights so tak la kau hitam legam (which is too late for me, i know)<br />
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for people yg had the wrong idea like i had - pakai skincare nak putih, the concept is totally wrong. putih tu benda lain sebenarnya. but the thing is to have them skin healthy. takde jerawat, takde jeragat, tak kering, sentiasa nampak fresh and paling penting tak rosakkan kulit.<br />
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advance skincare - serum, vit C and whats not tu nanti ah. goal sekarang is to have them skin clear from any damage, blackheads, jerawat, excessive oil and sebum, and the list goes on.<br />
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nampak, tak. abang dah expert siot skincare HAHAHAHAH. no im not. still got a longway to go. and i've been using kiehls for 1 month, nampak la result dia. fresh look every morning, tak kering. lembut je muka aku. tak kasar dah. bersih. hahaha gila ah.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiREXw4vPvkzhEeYz_qF4RSQ4vrRs9WOar_FRnCrN1vv67C0V1feykktmVjJTOyF0V22AWIL3BDkr3x_9c463MRku06QCwAjorS4M638Ft9ZthIbnIeOE16_qZ-u7PE4LsuWmI2GW7nIvPw/s1600/20190828_201117.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="778" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiREXw4vPvkzhEeYz_qF4RSQ4vrRs9WOar_FRnCrN1vv67C0V1feykktmVjJTOyF0V22AWIL3BDkr3x_9c463MRku06QCwAjorS4M638Ft9ZthIbnIeOE16_qZ-u7PE4LsuWmI2GW7nIvPw/s400/20190828_201117.jpg" width="193" /></a></div>
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they have lotssa products. and always remember, hydration is the key! kiehls mid valley</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj38Ts9e-7_mqjwguyGup60w8L8-5gYv0eRYDZaR-nPbDSb1Ebjb7-juEPAePJuRPsOpbWRTb259juXy7561q7AkzXHfU-Ow-DVHXX0ikjm2bAZTPxz6xb_nUxhbl_PViBbXs6jkQTu2Sw3/s1600/20190828_222606.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj38Ts9e-7_mqjwguyGup60w8L8-5gYv0eRYDZaR-nPbDSb1Ebjb7-juEPAePJuRPsOpbWRTb259juXy7561q7AkzXHfU-Ow-DVHXX0ikjm2bAZTPxz6xb_nUxhbl_PViBbXs6jkQTu2Sw3/s400/20190828_222606.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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and i bought the whole set. almost rm 500 for the whole set and dapatlah some freebies.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-tFcllSyGZpmNVi_OZ-mLlz7NT-bkv6ONunQdujnpCxVV6Fwjdzxi6zn8TNly7EPbKOrg53NOWCRZDFrfXUAUSuWWySVAjH5H5hzKIG1G-S9mbUIaImOA58sP0vMZtu36VobWE2bI6xS6/s1600/Ultra_Facial_Cream_50ml_3605970360757.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1408" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-tFcllSyGZpmNVi_OZ-mLlz7NT-bkv6ONunQdujnpCxVV6Fwjdzxi6zn8TNly7EPbKOrg53NOWCRZDFrfXUAUSuWWySVAjH5H5hzKIG1G-S9mbUIaImOA58sP0vMZtu36VobWE2bI6xS6/s320/Ultra_Facial_Cream_50ml_3605970360757.jpg" width="281" /></a></div>
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ini moisturizer dia yang boleh kata basic, dan sesuai digunakan untuk semua jenis skin type. datang dengan botol kecil dan besar. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9ea67AO32xcYAzw59d87X062dBXzqfGozToZB5LMNXiFC9AhMJbVdgDkQLEXOoUFM0LLq_0yjvXbC8jIOpxzhyphenhyphen4C3gyPqIUVOIqvsdDyrh5gInBM2BVxlkOH_rV1JCQnb_bktPNayc-ei/s1600/Ultra_Facial_Toner_3605970024574_8.4fl.oz..jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1408" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9ea67AO32xcYAzw59d87X062dBXzqfGozToZB5LMNXiFC9AhMJbVdgDkQLEXOoUFM0LLq_0yjvXbC8jIOpxzhyphenhyphen4C3gyPqIUVOIqvsdDyrh5gInBM2BVxlkOH_rV1JCQnb_bktPNayc-ei/s400/Ultra_Facial_Toner_3605970024574_8.4fl.oz..jpg" width="351" /></a></div>
facial toner yang akan menyekatakan kulit anda. taklah bercapuk sana kering sini pores sana minyak sini. penting. <br />
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ok ni pon one of the core routine and wajib. cleanser. some would call facewash and whatever. kalau boleh cari yg tak berbuih, and organic. skin type pun kena tengok, ada yang for all, ada yg special. and rub gently dekat muka, jangan tonyoh. calar nanti rupa. which is tak elok lah. </div>
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jadi camne, ok tak orang laki tulis pasal penjagaan muka. rare hahah. anyway, jgn rasa malu ke segan. we should take care of ourselves. bukan belanja makwe je. kita sendiri ni kena jaga barulah kemas, hensem. baru boleh ngorat makwe. and maybe soon aku akan belajar guna serum n apa benda yang lain2 tu semua. hehe. and if ada i will share dengan u guys. </div>
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ok. time to sleep. see ya in the next post. </div>
<br />Qayyum Abdul Razakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11751962934101319135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1413612104868118420.post-56136448544942800502019-09-13T01:44:00.000+08:002019-09-13T01:44:14.113+08:00why i feel so overwhelmed and all the things in between do you know, i lived my 24 hours a day, not for me. not even 80% of my time for myself.<br />
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my day starts at 630 everyday. i would wake up 630 everyday for subuh prayer, and gosok gigi before i sleep back for at least 1 hour untiil 730. usually i would mandi first, and sleep. and i will leave for office around 745 am. will arrive around 815-820 for morning assembly which is compulsory and only get my breakfast around 9 am.<br />
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and my work starts after that. u might see my rants on my personal twitter like i have no other job to do right? actually i do. sambil-sambil. and i usually work until 245-3 before i go out for lunch. and continue working until 630. and it didnt stop there. if theres a need to for me to go to the cafe to deal with stuffs, i'll go to the cafe, else im staying in the office till 830 or 9-ish. and i go for dinner, and arrive home around 10. or 10.30. normal days. thursday is a bit different. i would go home early and then lepak with put n tims around 10.30 till late.<br />
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pretty much lived my day like this for everyday. and this is whats in between. i would like to screenshot hows my whatsapp texts looked like but dont think its proper.<br />
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<ul>
<li>few people would randomly text me after a while and ask me for loan for every reason in this world - motor rosak, belanja tak cukup, need advance cash. same person every fucking months.</li>
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<li>another person would randomly text me to ask me for a loan just to get her kid to clinic and probably get some baby milk powder with the balance. and she would keep doing this every 2-3 week after lepas tolong, and theres no thank you no whatsoever i even offered her work but you know the drill. i will never help you anymore beyond this point, your fucking kid, your fucking problem</li>
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<li>another random person would text me to ask for help - work/tm stuffs. i mean, theres 100, and theres live chat, can u please do that. - please. if i offered the help, then by all means. dont simply text me out of the blue, asking for some help dude i got so many things needed to be done, and your problem is quite common, dial the fucking number </li>
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<li>and another person would text me asking for some advice, kena scam dgn kawan2 despite i already told you so - grow the fuck up</li>
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<li>few random guys asking me did for some "stuffs" - im done with that shit</li>
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<li>family matters. i need to look out for my lil bro and make sure hes out of trouble - if you need help, fucking ask for it. im your brother for fuck sake im not gonna forsake you. open up your mouth for once.</li>
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<li>parents. with this and that. and their issues - its been 20 fucking years. get it fixed. or get a divorce. to keep going on with us grown up, its pretty much pointless at this point. its all draggy and all of the drama makes me sick. thats one hard to swallow pills. and i cant digest that the fact we all have to pretend everything is okay, makes me sick. </li>
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<li>and work stuffs. this one i can tolerate. but sometimes its unbearable - sometimes rasa nak hempan hempon. </li>
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<li>tm agents would text me from time to time asking for favors - fuck you</li>
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and this cycle, never ever ends really. everyday, ada je yang nak mintak tolong like im somewhat a jesus or a fucking savior.<br />
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do you even bother to ask that issit okay for me to help or whatever? do you even bother to ask if im happy with my life? all you care is about yourself. and whenever i tried to talk some sense into each and everyone of you, nobody's paying attention<br />
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to be honest, i cant keep going on like this. im tired. with all of your fucking petty request. im done. i dont want to save or even help people anymore beyond this point. i dont care about you. i care about me.<br />
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all of these, is eating me up from the inside. i might appear cheerful and energtic to you. but do u know that the fact im suffering from this on my own? that the fact that i also need my support system but none of you are capable enough of being one. i dont need everyone, i just need one. if you cant be my support system, then how am i going to be yours.<br />
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please. leave me alone for a while. im so tired to the point where no matter how long i sleep, no matter how much rest i had for the day, its not gonna be enough. i sleep with 0 energy, i wake up with 0 too.<br />
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there. i keep all of these bottled up inside until it swallowed me alive. i took the day off yesterday becos i feel so tired, so sluggish that i barely get my ass out of the bed. doc said "dont suffer alone" but with people with the likes of you in my life, how can i not suffer alone?<br />
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what the fuck have you been doing lately? watch things happen? or make things happen?<br />
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<br />Qayyum Abdul Razakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11751962934101319135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1413612104868118420.post-58015393498276108772019-09-10T02:16:00.001+08:002019-09-10T02:16:36.494+08:00not your normal esports post.hi. i have to delete the last post. lets just say i would affect my work. and i wouldnt like that.<br />
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anyway. i did it. the pubstomp. which i had in mind for years. so for those who didnt know what is a pubstomp - its a trend in america where people would storm into pubs to watch matches/games, be it football or soccer. so in gaming universe, we borrowed up the term and the function is pretty much the same.<br />
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in 2017, i hosted one pubstomp in setiawangsa. at a friend's mamak. and i did it for free. turned out, ramai gila datang. but i wasnt able to be there due to family day. and this year, i did another one. its kinda a big deal, to me - as a personal milestone.<br />
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this year, i manage to get myself a partner, after so long doing things on my own. we even get sponsorship(s), thanks to this partner. maybe to some, its no big deal. but to me, i appreciate it.<br />
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yap introduce me to this russian dude. i legitly would have thought that hes a russian, and he is by the way, but hes been in malaysia since hes a kid. this guy runs an esports club - Lapar Esports. which is legit, he got all the papers done. the 1st registered club under KBS. so we decided to team up for this pubstomp. i got all the papers, and action plans, he got the connections. and we manage to pull this off.<br />
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everything was perfect until the other party start to meddle in. oh god. 1st, they messed up the posters and all of the design. 2ndly, they doubted that i can deliver this thing, bcos its the 1st time they would do such event and monetize from it. initially, they wanted to do it for me. but then i show them my papers (where they didnt even bother to read). and ask me to compensate if i cant get the ticket running. i was this close to cancel everything due to my principles. so i get back to my team and they said, ok never mind, lets get this job done and delivered. all of those sleepless, stressful day and night was worth it.<br />
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special thanks to twtdota/netizen prihatin family, RSCO coffee, TCProduction, Lapar Esports, Battle Arena, OYO Hotels, Pineapple.MY, Dacsee, and Server DNA my. couldnt do it without you guy's supports.<br />
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to more esports programs ahead!<br />
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so here it is, i present to you, TWTDOTAxBattleArena Pubstomp 2019<br />
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the tickers! designed by kimie. initially i plan to sell this ticket for 65, 35 and 15. but then, it goes down to 50, 20 and 5. sigh</div>
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and the instaworthy backdrop i have over here.</div>
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mc for this event, Fiera Fendi and also my homie Abu</div>
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look at them sponsors banners. </div>
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me, fiera and abu!</div>
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almost full house, day one<br />
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guys from sentrum.my gaming portal. thanks for coming. </div>
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this is everyone, who helped me from the early beginning until the end of this event. Lapar Esports, RSCO Cafe, TCP team, twtdota team.<br />
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special thanks to shuk, putri, syed, faiq, yen, haziq and ilya. without you guys, theres no way, no way i could accomplished all of these.<br />
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me and fiera. hahaha cas gila gambar</div>
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abit sad cus my team lose. PSG.LGD place 3rd in this year TI9. so dont really bother to watch the finals properly. anyhow gotta give it to them. TI10 should be our year! haha. and yes we manage to get ceb's attention - "THE CEEEEEEEEEEEEEB CHALLENGE" </div>
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us at battle arena shouting</div>
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after this, TJLANPARTY 4! and lotssa coming. already had few things in mind, and papers (of course) and come whatever may. i'll be ready</div>
<br />Qayyum Abdul Razakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11751962934101319135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1413612104868118420.post-86273603312989694312019-07-31T01:42:00.000+08:002019-07-31T01:42:09.070+08:00i guess i just feel likei dont know how to make it up to you. for the loss time. i know i have been busy. i tried, but theres too much on my plate right now. and i know i am being selfish too. you know i dont say no to every request..but i keep saying no to you.<br />
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i understand that the fact youre hurting. bcos of me. tapi, understand this. its not only you. i choose not to reply text lately. bcos its too much. i choose not to answer phone calls, bcos i dont know what else to say. im out of words. my friend just died, im occupied with the cafe and production stuffs, i got one big event to cover, im having job promotion interviews and exam too and i only get the rest when im home. itu pun kalau takde orang yang datang to lepak. i would, i would love to say no, but then belum apa-apa dah sampai. kalau takde orang datang, i get home from meeting only to have another meeting via discord/skype.<br />
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i havent take care of myself too. look at me. i look like a hobo. who've lost his job, his work. screwed over. i havent get much sleep. rest, even eat properly too. poor megan too. havent give much attention to her well being. oil change is overdue. need to service megan too but it seems like i dont have the luxury of time to do so.<br />
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i promise you, give me sometime to sort this thing out. and im not going anywhere. i need to breathe. i need space. i might not reply every text or pickup every calls. youre on my mind. i always think about you. just hold on a bit longer.Qayyum Abdul Razakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11751962934101319135noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1413612104868118420.post-91294025122325894222019-07-31T01:25:00.003+08:002019-07-31T01:25:47.899+08:00the day i've lost a brother, and a friend. its been one week. since madi's & syu passing. i still find it hard to accept. they both gone. to be there when it happened, was the hardest. i cried, like a lot. to the point where i feel like my head and eyes are going to explode. wasnt me alone. arip, fai. shah. i felt and share their loss. whole kcr family. arip cried as soon as he arrive to my office. i hugged him. and calm him down. i cried all the way to the hospital. cried again when i arrived. cried again when the whole family arrived. cried all the way to shah alam, cried again during solat, until he were put away down there.<br />
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and during the whole process, we all talk about how madi was a good friend, brother to us. he were always there. for over 10 years, hes been a very good friend to us. and he left. god loves him more. thats for sure. jodoh kau dgn syu panjang madi. together. dari hidup, sampailah kau kembali pada dia.<br />
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rehatlah sahabat. its time for you to go now. surely, we'll meet again someday later. for now, rehat elok-elok. kami yg ada akan sentiasa doakan semoga roh kamu dan syu sentiasa bersama-sama orang yang soleh. amin.<br />
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kenduri madi di shah alam</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhRl07iQIYbGvwwAbLlX7V2XTcAczObCTjsTJHF4QV1tuZNBbhBbHAanZmJQsiskDrvXbrtDfNx2AugPCe4ybtOb5phBpl2H5HtReL9T7C25ve4813zM5QgrIDGx7x2oZ8JYOOx8G18vPC/s1600/247156_160326687365806_6547656_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="477" data-original-width="720" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhRl07iQIYbGvwwAbLlX7V2XTcAczObCTjsTJHF4QV1tuZNBbhBbHAanZmJQsiskDrvXbrtDfNx2AugPCe4ybtOb5phBpl2H5HtReL9T7C25ve4813zM5QgrIDGx7x2oZ8JYOOx8G18vPC/s400/247156_160326687365806_6547656_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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gathering 1st kcr kat pc, 10 years ago exactly</div>
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kenduri madi di tepeng</div>
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kalau nak cerita semua, tak habis kenangan dgn memori sepanjang-panjang kita berkawan. dan aku hargai sepanjang-panjang kita berkawan madi. takkan ada gantinya. </div>
Qayyum Abdul Razakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11751962934101319135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1413612104868118420.post-45237685596144374962019-07-17T01:54:00.001+08:002019-07-17T01:54:44.573+08:00i could use some space for myself, right now.tough day. almost had a breakdown today in the office. on tuesday morning. these few weeks are quite overwhelming. i havent had rest weekend since last 3 week. i have been juggling work and business, at the same time doing stuffs for twtdota, mostly on my own.<br />
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i cant take it. at one point in today's operation meeting. i think i've lost it. all i heard is noises. at the same time, tunnel vision. drowning in my own thought. air is thin. i feel suffocated.<br />
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few moment passed. i just had to go out from that environment for a while. went into the toilet and wash my face. collect myself. got it under control, but then it is not the same. still feel suffocated until i get home.<br />
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things are crazy, right now. progress happened too fast. i thought i could do it, it really push me to the point where my body and mind would break. and the worst part is im doing it on my own. with little to no help at all. after work, coffee shop meeting, after meeting, just to come home to another meeting.<br />
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i strongly feel like i need to disconnect for a while. so i came here.<br />
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some space, please?Qayyum Abdul Razakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11751962934101319135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1413612104868118420.post-49591837082342683732019-06-12T01:12:00.002+08:002019-06-12T01:12:50.238+08:00raya, 2019. wuzzah. its me yo boi.<br />
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and pejam celik, pejam celik. its raya again. i have been missing. again i know. raya was good. and at the same time, probably the most loneliest raya i ever went thru. tahun ni, lansung tak sempat jumpa the boys, at all. kosong rasa. bbq malam raya pun tak ada this year. most of the gang dah kawin. ada balik rumah mertua. almost 10 tahun rasanya. every raya mesti buat bbq. aku faham. life happens. i miss them. my friends. all of em.<br />
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aku balik hari selasa haritu. tahun ni, aku orang paling last keluar office. tgh hari selasa, lepas tu baru balik batu pahat. balik pun tak lama. raya ke 2 dah balik semula ke kl. cuti lama, tapi sebab tak bawa motor, tumpang adik. dia balik, aku pun baliklah. plus ada wedding weasel dekat ganu hari sabtu.<br />
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i havent went to terengganu for quite a long time. sempat la jugak singgah pantai baru burok and visit jambatan baru. jem nak haram on the way balik, singgah cukai, tido resort kijal satu malam. and the next day singgah kuantan tido sana pula satu malam. barulah balik kl. holiday raya, layan diri.<br />
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in my 3 days journey, aku sedar banyak benda. i learn that all of the things, i had, and i own, are my biggest distraction. things i own, own me. even with everything, aku masih rasa kosong, bosan. tak tahu nak buat apa. i get to relax, get away from things. barulah boleh fikir straight. tido awal. tak fikir benda-benda yang tak seharusnya difikir.<br />
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anyway. cuti sampai kamis. jumaat start kerja. and besok, kalau aku rasa tak boleh go, aku masuk officelah. kerja mcm biasa. lepas ni maybe takde break dah. sampai bulan 8. and kena conserve cuti for whatever nanti menjelang nov/dec. i wanna go somewhere. ease my mind.<br />
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i think i should sleep. tryna live the healthy life katanya lepas raya. so heres some pics from raya.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBUpnX6KYWIM5uLKslF7a_nq2SXg8ihhj54-z9a9K6cmBpBLR6MpVCxwg5Jg9MmpxxyFULDq16chjZLJzIs1EJwoj06uooTAs1NSuCzmbEf4uJIcHIwj0SKs1Hq4eFksoC-wW2HOsEtOzV/s1600/20190605_123216.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="778" data-original-width="1600" height="193" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBUpnX6KYWIM5uLKslF7a_nq2SXg8ihhj54-z9a9K6cmBpBLR6MpVCxwg5Jg9MmpxxyFULDq16chjZLJzIs1EJwoj06uooTAs1NSuCzmbEf4uJIcHIwj0SKs1Hq4eFksoC-wW2HOsEtOzV/s400/20190605_123216.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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moms with peace sign and dear cuzzies</div>
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along keno. uncle razip</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL9qqB9bSLl6cJGOy0SVH9AEOxpN3guQU47tZetLePPFye5dHUrW2uVOiRoVFPNyzn2x0nKSbkooIFIrx2An2igxnoCBe6CChcg99XsygBhSx_S1B6ro5sZmyH-jUiXOxFruSh5t6-A42M/s1600/20190605_160557.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL9qqB9bSLl6cJGOy0SVH9AEOxpN3guQU47tZetLePPFye5dHUrW2uVOiRoVFPNyzn2x0nKSbkooIFIrx2An2igxnoCBe6CChcg99XsygBhSx_S1B6ro5sZmyH-jUiXOxFruSh5t6-A42M/s400/20190605_160557.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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me n momsie</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0u6prmY5WeBXwBAXy6CKi7cR5bZIZVr-vAYmjq950raT2jBOu8neqYQmFi_4M75FJpmPT8gBtP-8mFI7qdOdfvYELqvUZfhfcVPh6OhhqmVaZUNOmmW7MvJfIKQDJrO2nqcNINH8FsvQn/s1600/20190606_110807.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0u6prmY5WeBXwBAXy6CKi7cR5bZIZVr-vAYmjq950raT2jBOu8neqYQmFi_4M75FJpmPT8gBtP-8mFI7qdOdfvYELqvUZfhfcVPh6OhhqmVaZUNOmmW7MvJfIKQDJrO2nqcNINH8FsvQn/s400/20190606_110807.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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wiwi the fatcat</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgol6v7EP7jeDpRNCudxlTFRdW40ED_BBjSJDPzK-J1iTHIskJ-IpcoKqAU4ldAVZTbWr5LEJvlTeUEaVACgkkwkp8jeEe1oenAangd8h53heDB9FkhYFWcwscc7iUlT59Idp3OG1GV7ntG/s1600/20190606_161831.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="781" data-original-width="1600" height="195" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgol6v7EP7jeDpRNCudxlTFRdW40ED_BBjSJDPzK-J1iTHIskJ-IpcoKqAU4ldAVZTbWr5LEJvlTeUEaVACgkkwkp8jeEe1oenAangd8h53heDB9FkhYFWcwscc7iUlT59Idp3OG1GV7ntG/s400/20190606_161831.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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with capil n jibby. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjONwxeDkLoyDZKJy30Urw6bvZfDR-K7r9iuved2Gp8Mvfk8BnVhUSnn9e0gA5O1Dg-q1y97a6mvy0-KZ3KrQbbMlUU3AU52XhN5NmBf7qcTuJEGQCcAQ8qHJXfYFOVqtDz9gERz266smMT/s1600/20190608_122626%25280%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="778" data-original-width="1600" height="193" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjONwxeDkLoyDZKJy30Urw6bvZfDR-K7r9iuved2Gp8Mvfk8BnVhUSnn9e0gA5O1Dg-q1y97a6mvy0-KZ3KrQbbMlUU3AU52XhN5NmBf7qcTuJEGQCcAQ8qHJXfYFOVqtDz9gERz266smMT/s400/20190608_122626%25280%2529.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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@ weasel's wedding</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOjwk2SaGSPuSoG1g5RErQkz1AG2DsLH-2qxwO83cy9ZIv57-L5k5DyHkrBKlbUbQ8m5IZD1o48vFfJZ5RvX85JQjZuyBCJbk81oNktgp7O2zDqOUMH7wWs-HjHXnyC31V5GNx73BL4dij/s1600/20190608_154301.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOjwk2SaGSPuSoG1g5RErQkz1AG2DsLH-2qxwO83cy9ZIv57-L5k5DyHkrBKlbUbQ8m5IZD1o48vFfJZ5RvX85JQjZuyBCJbk81oNktgp7O2zDqOUMH7wWs-HjHXnyC31V5GNx73BL4dij/s400/20190608_154301.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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hypebeast yo!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCp6aYBZTQJAqGA1gomWRq2wxZ0FDbEmbZRKm1y0Gxxwogoa1UttQHX_JMLG1hU0QO3_5wMprDGA9bkrhQj-vjWQtXK1oszQX61wP9xL_lg2WLv_5nTJMhazccsBmyXNJTnSasc1BagCdQ/s1600/IMG-20190602-WA0003.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="810" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCp6aYBZTQJAqGA1gomWRq2wxZ0FDbEmbZRKm1y0Gxxwogoa1UttQHX_JMLG1hU0QO3_5wMprDGA9bkrhQj-vjWQtXK1oszQX61wP9xL_lg2WLv_5nTJMhazccsBmyXNJTnSasc1BagCdQ/s400/IMG-20190602-WA0003.jpg" width="300" /></a></div>
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meet my nephew, muhammad qarizh. comel kan? </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr5i4z7QPJwJLaIqJy1OG7B_HaQor-Bu1acRKB-ZaTserQxP_AtqKlR-WrdM8Qof2VDzoZbBb17etM9-bNhLkXLUi2dL0eHRqJCIr-0j3VaJcypHtbUcvWxlBxXc-PQ4gLWndNT-1_pwgW/s1600/IMG-20190605-WA0020.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="810" data-original-width="1080" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjr5i4z7QPJwJLaIqJy1OG7B_HaQor-Bu1acRKB-ZaTserQxP_AtqKlR-WrdM8Qof2VDzoZbBb17etM9-bNhLkXLUi2dL0eHRqJCIr-0j3VaJcypHtbUcvWxlBxXc-PQ4gLWndNT-1_pwgW/s400/IMG-20190605-WA0020.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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tok leha and tok atan clans</div>
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sempat jumpa dod je malam raya. lain semua rip.</div>
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<br />Qayyum Abdul Razakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11751962934101319135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1413612104868118420.post-2394886524447282742019-04-17T01:43:00.001+08:002019-04-17T01:43:30.469+08:00trial number one. hey-lo.<div>
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everything seems well. but not my my mind, according to the shrink i've been seeing for the past 18 months. from sleepless-ness. and from there, theres a lot. she said i might have abandonment issues. somewhere between-ptsd/adhd, a lil bit of anxiety. nothing serious. slightly depressed, moderate hypertension - due to sleep, lack of rest, meals. </div>
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but worry not, i think i can handle this. giving up isnt me. heck if i were to give up, i gave up long time ago. </div>
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trying so hard to keep my routine in check. sleep time, meal time, work time. i guess with a couple days/weeks of adjustment i might adjust right into it. </div>
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anyway. </div>
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nothing much to do lately. ordered a book from MPH and it seems like they have to order it from sg and it might take sometime. a book about how to be positive (cliche), recommended by a friend of mine. must be a reason why she introduced me the book so im giving it a try. </div>
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neway, pindah rumah is delayed. TBA. and i bought a gaming chair! been eyeing one for so long. lazada haritu ada sale so sambar la satu. 1499 down to 999. ok why not</div>
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tadah! from TT gaming, royal series. originally 1499, lazada birthday ada off 999 so belilah satu. pretty decent. sebenarnya sama je semua gaming chair ni, manufacturer yg sama but then brand lain2. seat is bucket seat, adjustable 180 degree lean and handrest. plus ada lumbar pillow and neck support. try to nexflix and chill on this gaming chair. the best! (also i bought a lot of things too on lazada but none worth mentioning haha)</div>
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i guess this is the epitome of being an (single and depressed but high functioning) adult, and i quote chuck palahniuk in fight club </div>
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<h1 class="quoteText" style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: Merriweather, Georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 21px; margin: 0px 0px 15px; padding: 0px;">
<i>“You buy furniture. You tell yourself, this is the last sofa I will ever need in my life. Buy the sofa, then for a couple years you're satisfied that no matter what goes wrong, at least you've got your sofa issue handled. Then the right set of dishes. Then the perfect bed. The drapes. The rug. Then you're trapped in your lovely nest, and the things you used to own, now they own you.”</i></h1>
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okay, 30 mins past bedtime. i should go. see you in the next post? </div>
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ja!</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">p/s : one of the "happy" pills that ive been prescribed. this one is menalat. last time i were given rameron, previously im sticking with atarax. being licensed and legally crazy/wacko/depressed aint fun yo. gotta spend 7-8 sesh in 3 months with evaluation. u had no idea. but worry not, im not insane. not yet hahah</span></div>
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Qayyum Abdul Razakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11751962934101319135noreply@blogger.com0