hello darkness, my old friend.

lately, for some unknown reason, aku rasa aku diselubungi kebencian yg teramat dan memuncak tanpa sebab. tak kesah apa ke siapa ke. sampaikan ada satu masa tu aku cam dah terlalu rasa menyampah, benci, meluat sampai rasa lemas dgn perasaan ni.

i am badly affected by recent breakup. i have lost my complete trust among people. hilang dah rasa sangka baik. hilang juga pertimbangan dgn logic reasoning aku. plus aku rasa manusia ni, tak layak kot untuk dibantu mahupun berbudi kepada mereka. last week aku ada tolong this girl. shes gonna commit suicide because dia busted dgn mak dia, tgh buat perkara yg tak bermoral pukul 3 pagi. so aku rasa cam, kalau aku tinggal budak ni, mati la kot dia. bersungguh nak mencabut nyawa and benda yg keep dia dari bunuh diri is me. so i talked thru it sampai la pukul 4 pagi and i really need to sleep that time sebab esoknya kerja n shit. and i leave my num, just in case dia nak someone to talk ke apa.

and the next day, guess what? her mom texted me, saying things like i am a bad influence to her daughter, ajar benda bukan2. i was like bitch stop right there, get your facts right. cuba baca balik conversation anak kamu dgn saya. apa benda kandungan dia. and terus aku rasa mcm wtf gila babi, rasa menyesal tolong pun ada. honestly, selama2 sepanjang2 kehidupan aku menolong orang ni, tak pernah ada sehari aku mengharap apa2 balasan. tak pernah sekali pun. selama2 7 tahun kerja dgn tm ni, tak pernah la aku minta balasan tiap kali aku tolong orang regarding masalah orang dgn tm ke apa. merungut sebab kena tolong, yes. tolong orang tapi tak ikhlas pun yes, tapi mengharap balas, nope. thats not me. so back to the story atas tadi, aku dah la tgh mcm ni tak stable, lepas tu kena pulak mcm ni, pastu relate balik dgn nature aku yg suka tolong orang, aku rasa mindset aku dah twisted and it cannot be fixed anymore.

and thats why, aku rasa manusia, tak patut di bantu. tak kira la they deserve it or not, and sebab nature kita sebagai manusia yg mmg tak pernah nak mengharai or bersyukur, lagi la kuat instinct aku untuk membenci manusia. tengok orang bodoh benci, tengok orang minta derma benci, tak kira la apa pun, i seem cant stop myself dari ada perasaan benci dgn amarah.

yes aku tahu this is not healthy. tapi years enduring dgn pendam rasa, being used, again n again, i became a monster myself. buat balik orang balas tahi. buat baik orang tikam semula. and every night sebelum tido, aku akan bergelut dgn inner conscience. to help or not to help. to be good or not to be. endless, kadang2 sampai lemas dalam thoughts sendiri sampai tertido.nak masuk 2 bulan stgh dah breakup. dari sedih, sekarang aku lagi rasa selesa ada dalam keadaan marah, lepas tahu she played me. rasa benci yg meluap2 yg tak pernah padam. dari nak berubah slow2 menjadi better person, aku jadi makin "dark". takda lagi tapis2 kalau berbicara, takde lagi memikir consequences kalau confront orang. its all about making myself puas, or to be heard.

banyak lagi nak diceritakan. tapi biarlah kot dulu, mcm biasa, post draft banyak2, tunggu masa sesuai, baru boleh publish satu per satu.

akhir kata untuk post ini, kalau korang rasa aku dah lebih sangat, bawa2 lah tegur aku. tak apa, aku jenis marah sekejap, lepas tu baru berakal. soft side aku tak mati lagi, ada lagi. cuma aku no longer have control over it. tak tahu lah aku ni beyond help ke apa, but please kalau nampak n rasa aku dah go over, stop me. dont let me go down that lane.


3 week++ hiatus?

my god. its been almost a month that i didnt update anything here. i have been busy. like real busy. i dont know where to start, but here we go.



ha ni dia kete eksiden, pukul 3 pagi kat bangsar kena sodok dgn motor. takda kemalangan jiwa yg perlu dilaporkan, semua settle alhamdulillah. 


and actually aku baru je naik cuti from a long well-deserve break lepas habis tempoh kaunseling aritu. ha ni nak cite, haritu kena panggil pegi kaunseling sebab berperangai kurang menyenangkan dan menyusahkan orang. tapi aku bukan sengaja. yeap, wasnt my best moment. been thru some shit recently, losing my judgement and decision making calls. kenala brainwash sikit2 on how to carry your duty and stuffs, self empowering and shit. and habis the sesi kaunseling ni i was given 2 week break, and i took another 1 week of leave to rest.

i went to perhentian, redang, and penang. thinking that the sea would heal my broken self. but it doesnt. theres no cure for the sickness, so pure. it is hard, for the early couple of days. and it turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months. up until now i sometimes cam terasa. and kalau tak control, its gonna swallow u whole. and yeah, i am slowly recovering from it, and i would take some time before fully recovered



sampai jeti pukul 630 pagi. lawaaaa gilaaa sunrise pantai


gateway to heavennnn


jonny boi and jonny cash. oh ya, during this period aku lansung tak shave at all, berjambang siap. lain gila rasa. cam wah bad ass gila, kadang cam tak kena pun ye. biasalah tgh gila kan. mana la fikir sangat pasal diri sendiri.


actually aku ada je menulis dlm tempoh sebulan ni, tapi banyak sekerat2, sebab rasa mcm tak habis tulis, and ada juga plan untuk keluarkan post mcm double back to back, tapi since dah naik kerja and tgh sibuk juggle between things, kalau ada time, aku akan post la kot. from time to time, kalau rajin, singgah la sini baca.

JA~NE!








why dating guys in his 30 is a game changer that every girls need.

im gonna tell you a secret today. and girls out there, please, keep one if you find any!

1. you girls will have better idea of who they are versus who the could become. man in his 30s are already molded into the person they should.

2. men in his 30s had their hearts broken over and over. and because of that, they are less inclined to take love for granted

3. they are most likely concern about being honest rather than tryna look cool all the time.

4. they no longer see that by being single isnt the best thing in the world. nope.

5. flirting publicly with girls over social media changes from "normal things" to "embarrassing problems"

6. and their idea of "toxic" masculinity slows down. their life journey had them understand that real strength isnt impenetrable walls of stubborn ego nor being humiliating arrogant. at this point, their desire to be valued, to embody responsibility, straightfowardness replaces the need to be macho.

7. men in his 30s and their taste in people significantly deepens. they are more interested with the women they want to spend as much time and each day with, not every few weeks or one night.

8. they shift their focus from wanting to be the guy who has the most fun to the guy who have it all. they will come to understand that reading books, dress well, knows how to cook dinner and how to ask someone out properly on a date is not lame and uncool rather than the cornerstones of a well rounded considerate functioning individuals

9. men in his 30s will take relationship more seriously and as a by product. they would treat people in them with more respect.

10. most of the guys already spent few years developing themselves in their careers. and because of that, the experience teach them to be humble, and make them knowledgeable in their field or skills.

11. by now, they are capable enough of basic functioning. cook meals, keeping their apartment organized. manage themselves well.

12. also, they tend to realize that being with someone is better than being right all the time. and they've grown to know that the two cannot usually coexist. and a lot of love are lost to the latter.

13. obviously, they are not afraid to care, and they learn how to shove feelings away under thinly veiled layer of anger and dismissiveness inside of them. in fact, now they learn that its better to deal with it, and to be honest.


BONUS.

isnt perfection is what we all need? some want my life. but i want something else.

goodnight people. ja!

list of benda bodoh yg di buat sepanjang hidup

boring keje sabtu harini. ada rumble jumble raid event somewhere around sunway harini. so...here it is, the list of benda-benda bodoh yg pernah di buat aku sepanjang aku hidup (yg mana ingat)


1. balik mengaji bawa batu bata dalam beg sbb nak buat empangan kononnya. this happen when i was 7 kot. hahaha aduh apalah. berdarah + cacat juga jari. kekal kesan dia sampai harini. balik mengaji tu pegi pikul 2 batu bata pastu konon2 nak pegi la block air dalam longkang. entah mcm mana terlepas, terhempap tangan sendiri XD

2. pernah print duit palsu n pakai kat kantin sekolah, kecoh sampai polis datang, lepas tu act tak tahu apa2 cakap dapat dari kedai lain asdjhkasdjhkasdjhasdjhasdjl. happened time form 5. 

3. patah tangan waktu darjah 6. naik basikal sampai atas bukit, lepas tu jatuh berkicap menyembah bumi la cerita dia terseret 100 meter lebih. balik rumah steady, pastu mak tanya apasal baju kau kotor, pastu dia tengok tangan aku bengkok semacam, terus dia menjerit asdjlhasdjasduasddsjkasdjl. 

4. main mercun kat kampung sampai masuk rumah orang, pecahkan tempat semayang dia shshshashasdhasdjasdjkhasdjkasdl

5. quit uitm waktu degree. i think ini mentionable sebab dah last sem kot? quit sebab ada masalah sikit?

6. part 1. pergi travel ke krabi/phuket dari malaysia naik kereta without any guide/gps/proper preparation. probably one of the best moment in my life. ahahah bodoh betul. aduh rasa nak repeat je lagi buat benda gini

7. part 2. travel ke vietnam lalu jalan darat naik range rover old school with the same party time ke krabi dulu. but this time dengan preparation pun, masih bodoh gak sebab takde radio rosak, pastu drive dia 2 hari stgh pegi, 2 hari stgh balik, mental as fuk, tapi steady. was offered sup kelawar in the middle of cambodia, dalam kedai makanan moslem bcos diorang ingat aku local asdklasd;jhasdjhqweuoaduasdguioasdgukl

8. waktu form 6 sekejap dulu, pecah rekod. form 6 pertama dalam sejarah heskul batu pahat yg di tubuhkan dari 1818, tak pernah ada lagi form 6 yg kena sebat atas perhimpunan.sebab kena sebat? makan awal, lebih awal dari pengawas dan cikgu. pukul 9 sarapan kat kantin asdijasdhasdgkasdgyasdgy

9. selamatkan wan dalam laut cetek sebab dia cemas pastu lemas sendirian. mcm la orang gila aku berlari2 pegi kat dia, pastu dia struggle, n dalam aku tgh heret dia nak pegi pantai, terpijak la pulak sea urchin. berkicap ha kaki tembus. sampai sekarang agak trauma kalau pegi laut dalam nak snorkel ke dive ke apa. to describe the pain, lain mcm beb. mcm kena bedah without anesthetic. sbb benda tu kan ada bisa, so lepas terpijak tu kawan2 aku heret la naik pantai, apa yg aku boleh ingat time tu "weh kaki aku putus ke? darah ke?" pain was so intense. pastu sampai2 kena papah pegi kat sorang life guard ni, dia tuang cuka. pastu suruh kencing kat kaki yg kena tu sbb bagi hilang bisa. malam tu pegi clinic pegi cabut the remaining duri kat kaki, n doktor bagi pain killer high gila. pastu pegi makan aku dok buat benda pepelik sbb high hsdhasjhasdjhasdj. aduh memori sungguh

10. pegi naik faiser hill dgn bloodbrothers pukul 5 pagi, lepas tu mandi air terjun atas bukit pukul 7 pagi. bapak sejuk nak mampos. bodoh juga la moment ni sebab time balik tu, semua dah penat. yg tinggal berjaga aku dgn falah je. falah drive, aku teman sebelah, pastu jalan nak turun faiser tu punyalah gila bergaung dgn takde barrier. pastu yg lain semua padam dah tido. pastu tak abih2 tanya falah ok tak? wei ok tak? selang 10 minit sbb takut dia tertido pastu masuk gaung. and falah revealed after so many years, dia kata few times dah sebenarnya dia nak tertido n kete nak masuk gaung. HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA kepala hotak lah

good ol days huh? actually theres a lot more tapi aku rasa 10 ni yg paling memorable kalau nak diceritakan. anyway, see you in the next post! sikit lagi boleh balik keje n main overwatch!

ja!

the return of the prodigal son.

i went back to hometown last week. my lil bro getting engaged. given the circumstances that i have been thru for the past weeks, yeah why not balik. take my mind off for sometimes. seems like almost everyone is there when i arrived. the first question that pops out from their mouth is

"eh balik sorang? patutnya bawa la balik gf, kata mak kamu, kamu dah ada gf bla bla bla bla"

i can only smile. sedaya upaya control supaya tak tunjuk muka garang/panas/nak makan orang yg entah tak boleh dah kot nak ubah. terus masuk bilik. mood mmg dah out. penat lagi. malam sebelom balik tu kena sekolah dgn gm pj sbb behavior last week.

i have been skipping major meeting 3 hari in a row. masuk court HR sbb i filed a report against my colleague yg asik cuti isnin for at least 2 years. im mending my broken heart at the same time so everything was so messed up to one point it explodes and there was this clusterfucks everywhere all around me.

to summarize, work sucks. and i didnt behave like i should

i cant think straight. my judgement were clouded. even strangers dekat petrol pump pun suruh aku senyum a bit. toksah cakap kak nana dgn eda lah. diorang paling perasan. bos kenapa? masam je. bos okay tak, bla bla bla. i know they are trying to cheer me up. but all i need right now is sometime off. for myself.

and sambung balik cerita tunang tadi, so petang tu pegilah ke rumah tunang adik. sebelah taman je. kinda reminds me of ... never mind. i left the ring kat seine river in 2013. jambatan tu pon dah roboh. hahaha. belajar la juga sikit2 camne nak handle tunang n adat all of these stuffs. koyak, tapi layankan je.



rumah pempuannya. and those adalah hantaranya.


this will keep her diam sekejap for a while n not bothering me  


my dad, my bro, mom and tunangnya 



balik rumah and found her this fat! siapa bagi makan ni!!!! wiwi gemuknya kamu. and i have been talking to wiwi eventho dia bukannya faham pom kan. cakap pastu dia ngriauu ngiau je like she understands. pastu bila panggil dia datang meleset pastu baring. btw shes indoor cat. tinggal dalam rumah. makan semua terjaga ada sorang jiran ni akan datang bg dia makan isi air dia n cuci najis dia dlm toilet. pandai bawa diri kucing ni jaga rumah dgn paktam



tgk. betapa gemuknya budak ni compared to my arms. makan tido ngiau. 


and malam tu lepak dgn wan n epi. kebetulan wan pun balik dari kuching, epi mmg ada kat bp. bila dengar kawan2 struggle dgn life and compare balik dgn what im going thru right now. timbul la juga sedikit kesedaran. what im going thru now isnt nothing compared to them. epi struggle cari kerja. almost 3 bulan dah menganggur. wan minta pindah dari kuching ke putrajaya tapi wisma tolak everytime. we talked about stuffs. things, life. time heals.

i dont know when will be the next time i'll be home again. maybe raya. we'll see


BONUS :



the week before pegi manjong. dtg tengok tos kawin. kan berkilat kepala aku sebab botak licin hahaha. aduh... but dont ask why. these manjong fellas were just like family to me. more than teman sembang, lepak and borak.