im going to talk about this, openly.

i have found a cure. a cure for my condition - mental state, addiction, anxiety, sleeplessness and perhaps many more. a good friend of mine, introduce me to this substance called DMT. to call this DMT a drug would be criminalizing it, im not going to call it a drug, instead of drug, lets call it substance.

TL;DR, dmt is obtained from plants, synthesized from ayahusca which contains psychedic properties which usually called "spirit particle" by shamans n traditional practitioner to perform rituals. either by them, or by their patients. in science, dmt is taken by smoking, drinking, or some by consuming. and it produced intense, but very short psychedelic experience that affects visual and auditory senses. simply put, hallucinations, depending on how one's method of consumption.

i did my fair share of researchs and readings. by fair share, i mean lots of journals and documentations, starting from the early 1900s, and how dmts evolved into lsd and whats nots, from joe rogan, mike tyson to albert hoffman's research papers. videos and kinds of stuff. just so i know what am i dealing with here. so far theres no known side effects, no known addictions, to published papers regarding the downside of the dmt usage.

and i pop-ed my 1st dmt 3 weeks back. oh ya i took one small pill of dmt. after meal. at first i thought this is nothing, just like consuming space cakes and space tea but then after half an hour, dmt took over.

this is how my journey, through the dmt trip feels like.

first, all i see is geometrical patterns, shapes and sizes in multicolor rotating rapidly and react to whatever lights my eyes were focused to, during that time, i am watching looney toons. screen flicks several times, the color, and how i perceive and process visual images are distorted. not in a bad way, but in a good way, its like being in a machine, or clock tower, or maybe inside prism or kaleidoscope, or maybe if u ever went to the diamond exhibition, and when they let you check the diamond patterns, it would be like that. but more intense, colorful, everything was moving and shaped themselves rapidly.

that was only the 1st 10 mins, entering 20, my breathing, heart rate were slowed down, and steady. but breathing is a bit hard (by hard i mean, you keep seeing the patterns and it was so good until you forgot how to breathe, but you can control your thoughts by telling yourself that you need to breathe, and yes you'll breathe becos of our automated body response) for 10 mins i feel so good, and i thought ok this is good, not knowing there will be several trips and cycle throughout the journey (i would love to call this a journey and you'll know why)

entering 25 mins, kepala mula rasa sedap. different dengan sedap high/stoned from smoking weed/pots/nicotine. every inch of your head, with your brain, feel massaged. and this is where the magic happens. at this moment, i closed my eyes, and lie down on my bed. and right after i closed my eyes, the pattern that i've been seeing took me somewhere else. to a place where the 4th dimension or whatever dimension it is. it was so..beautiful. and calming. and tbh, i was well aware of whats happening. and so, i put on my earbuds, and start listening to some deep focus music. everything happened so fast and i was taken into the outside world where all of these other beings (i call them beings because i cant explain what are them actually). being of colors, shapes, aliens. and if feels like they all talking to me, showing me what is there behind this existence, consciousness.

as i go deeper within the realms and calming and focus music, at one point i could see my soul, leave my physical body. at one point, i thought that i was dead. i can no longer breathe. i am no longer in this world, physical world. but one of the beings showed me that i wasnt dead yet. i was inside their reality. and became ome of them. they dont technically speak verbally, but somehow they communicate with you, and you understand them. deeper and deeper i navigate through the reality cycles, at one point i feel like every secrets and knowledge of this universe were at my fingertip, i was holding this book, and keep scrolling but there wasnt enough time to read em all. and these beings showed me how to do it.

this cycle last for few hours. and i was well aware of whats happening. my eyed were completely shut, and i was completely inside of their world. i could see and do everything i ever wanted. and i went to bed after that. around 530 in the morning. i wake up around 9 and noticed that the effects were still there, but wearing off.

my messed up mind, were no longer carry all of those messes, or thoughts. i feel like every inch of the burden that i've been carrying behind my back, were lifted away from me. i dont feel sluggish or irritated due to less sleep, nor contemplated with task and chores lined up. and i can recall of what happened.

and this is how i can put all of those cycle or trip, in a sentence.

"What a journey last night. I traverse into the hidden reality inside of my head, of lights, of love, of thoughts, of the deepest consciousness of my mind within the very fabric of the reality itself. And I went to bed right after. Its like having and viewing your entire life and soul from the 3rd eye

Waking up feeling reset, and all the pain and burden has been taken away, lifted up from me. To realize it was there inside of my head and i have no idea how to access the hidden reality amaze me. Incredible."

after that, i did some more research on all the sufi's, buddha monks and how they all achieve this peace or some would call zen in non-science perspective. and it seems they can reach this by meditating and surrender themselves into nothing-ness. because by default, dmt would be released from our brain right before death but these meditation methods used by these sufi's and monks could also help to release and develop dmts.

i feel better, day after day after day. i no longer feel angry. or resentments. i feel healed. all of my worries were gone. sleeping were easier than it should be. more focused. i am calmed. collective thoughts. like i was the better version of my ownself. i feel like reborn-ed into a new brain. all of those minor headaches were gone. no more anxiety. no more self hatred, i dont even feel like telan orang like i used to feel everyday. until today. one article says this effect would last for 6 months, depending on the person's surroundings and mental state. i finally, made peace with myself. and it feels so good. all it took was one pill, just one pill.

update: i dont feel like smoking cica, even better, i dont even think about smoking/have the urge to do or weed/pot. im sober. im free of any anxiety drugs. my mind were crystal clear. i made better judgment and calls, i sleep better at night. more focused and determind. 

p/s : please dont do drugs. whatever drug

p/s 2: people should at least try, dmt once in their lives. get that hard "reset"

p/s 3: be responsible

things that you've asked me before - part one

her - "why do you push people away. after what you've done to them?"

honestly. i have been answering your question with questions. probably deflect them every time the question pops out from your mouth.

but heres some answers,

for me to defend myself
to clarify
to compensate with all the things i did to put us apart so many times. again and again.

all of my actions, which i cant put into words. or even explain.

you probably doesnt have any idea how alone i feel, during my younger days. i dont want to talk about that, to be away from your family, and siblings does that do me. i didnt the chance to bond with them normally like other people do. parents were stricts. asian style parenting. the only people that i can talk to, share things to or do things with - friends. the reason why i easily made friends with everyone. im loud. im easy going. i always said yes. and to keep up that energy up high, is tiring. when the day ends, all i want is just to go back home, put some distance between them people. i would like some space, to regain, collect myself.

sometimes, when its getting overwhelming. im having difficulty to concentrate. i lose focus. and i bcome sloppy, and vulnerable. more to like annoyed. and i cant keep up. i hate to let them down when im like this. so the best way is to push them out. keep some distance. but in a proper manner. when ever i have the chance to.

it happen sometimes, days when you feel easily irritated - due to work, stress. anxiety. my tolerance towards people are very-very low. i tried to control myself most of the time. but it doesnt seems to work. the best way to let it go is to come down to soc med, and let them dumass people have it.

i dont think i deserve to be happy. i feel like i am a burden, to everyone. and i dont want to hurt them when i get too close, and comfortable. and when i do, i am vulnerable all over again. easily get hurt. i've been hurt before. i dont want to go thru that anymore. i build my walls up so high, so nobody would get past that. some would, and when i realize they invade my space, that is when i push them out. again and again. which i did to you, countless of time before. without any explanation.

i know its not fair to do this bcos of what had happened before. i am still traumatized. i give my all, and look like my all, isnt enough. people go. they took everything away from me. and i learned alot from my previous relationship. but still, my heart, yearns for one, hoping this is one, everytime.

this is the illusion i've created to hide my true self from people just so i not to be seen as weak. a loner.

i know what does it feels like to be alone. i know what does it like not having support system growing up. i dont expect you to read this (ceh mcm dia tahu bout this space). maybe one day you'll stumbled upon this space, and you'll get your answers.

its almost 2 am. and i think i should go.

yeap. skincare.

im gonna write something about skincare products and routine. yup. this world is going crazy. kayum is writing about skincare. actually i dont really care about skincare product and routine. but menjelang 30+ ni, and due to years and years of kerja luar, terdedah to all of habuks, sinaran UV, not even moisturizer or sunblock, muka aku cam kering n teruk. to one point mengelupas due to kurang minum air n tak jaga properly i guess.

i tried la skincare before. tapi basic. pakai facewash. from garnier, to biore, apa benda for men semua aku belasah. and i always thought that my face is oily, tapi tidak. sebenarnya sangat dry. and i've been using the wrong facewash, on my skin. punyalah lama. lepas tu i keep on using (masa belom tahu) wrong facewash, and tambah rutin moisturizer. things wasnt improving until hatim ajar cara yg betul since hes a pharmacist. mula2 pakai sha-tera. organic based. bagus. tapi pedih sebab ingredients dia. but then kena combo dgn moisturizer. pakai satu je, takde moisturizer kulit kering balik.

and now. lepas mendapat konsultasi dari this one fella, im using kiehls. spent 3 hours dalam tu. consultation dia best, dia try ni, try tu. and she teach me a lot of things. skincare ni apa sebenarnya. apa rutin dia. mende related semua ah. and now barulah aku tahu theres 4 basic things yg a guy shud know in his skincare routine.

1. cleanser - to clean your face setiap pagi, and before sleep. excessive oil, dirt, apa benda semua dia buang. tepek je kat muka, dont rub, massage slowly sampai lah sekata, and biar around 30 sec to 1 min baru bilas muka.

2. toner - this one functions as sekatakan tone kulit kau. pores besar dia kecikkan, and whats not. tak berapa geti nak explain, tapi remember, before you apply any serum, or whatever, pakai toner dulu.

3. moisturizer - moisturizer punya function is to trap all the lembab inside the skin so taklah kering, and sentiasa keep your skin moist, and hydrate from extreme weather out there. sejuk dalam aircond pun kena bcos aircond sebenarnya keringkan kulit juga somehow.

4. sunblock - this one optional. tapi i think penting juga. sebab aku naik motor, terdedah direct sunlight. so this one keep your skin dari kena bakar hidup2 and absorb all of the uv lights so tak la kau hitam legam (which is too late for me, i know)

for people yg had the wrong idea like i had - pakai skincare nak putih, the concept is totally wrong. putih tu benda lain sebenarnya. but the thing is to have them skin healthy. takde jerawat, takde jeragat, tak kering, sentiasa nampak fresh and paling penting tak rosakkan kulit.

advance skincare - serum, vit C and whats not tu nanti ah. goal sekarang is to have them skin clear from any damage, blackheads, jerawat, excessive oil and sebum, and the list goes on.

nampak, tak. abang dah expert siot skincare HAHAHAHAH. no im not. still got a longway to go. and i've been using kiehls for 1 month, nampak la result dia. fresh look every morning, tak kering. lembut je muka aku. tak kasar dah. bersih. hahaha gila ah.

they have lotssa products. and always remember, hydration is the key! kiehls mid valley

and i bought the whole set. almost rm 500 for the whole set and dapatlah some freebies.

ini moisturizer dia yang boleh kata basic, dan sesuai digunakan untuk semua jenis skin type. datang dengan botol kecil dan besar. 

facial toner yang akan menyekatakan kulit anda. taklah bercapuk sana kering sini pores sana minyak sini. penting. 

ok ni pon one of the core routine and wajib. cleanser. some would call facewash and whatever. kalau boleh cari yg tak berbuih, and organic. skin type pun kena tengok, ada yang for all, ada yg special. and rub gently dekat muka, jangan tonyoh. calar nanti rupa. which is tak elok lah. 

jadi camne, ok tak orang laki tulis pasal penjagaan muka. rare hahah. anyway, jgn rasa malu ke segan. we should take care of ourselves. bukan belanja makwe je. kita sendiri ni kena jaga barulah kemas, hensem. baru boleh ngorat makwe. and maybe soon aku akan belajar guna serum n apa benda yang lain2 tu semua. hehe. and if ada i will share dengan u guys. 

ok. time to sleep. see ya in the next post. 

why i feel so overwhelmed and all the things in between

do you know, i lived my 24 hours a day, not for me. not even 80% of my time for myself.

my day starts at 630 everyday. i would wake up 630 everyday for subuh prayer, and gosok gigi before i sleep back for at least 1 hour untiil 730. usually i would mandi first, and sleep. and i will leave for office around 745 am. will arrive around 815-820 for morning assembly which is compulsory and only get my breakfast around 9 am.

and my work starts after that. u might see my rants on my personal twitter like i have no other job to do right? actually i do. sambil-sambil. and i usually work until 245-3 before i go out for lunch. and continue working until 630. and it didnt stop there. if theres a need to for me to go to the cafe to deal with stuffs, i'll go to the cafe, else im staying in the office till 830 or 9-ish. and i go for dinner, and arrive home around 10. or 10.30. normal days. thursday is a bit different. i would go home early and then lepak with put n tims around 10.30 till late.

pretty much lived my day like this for everyday. and this is whats in between. i would like to screenshot hows my whatsapp texts looked like but dont think its proper.

  • few people would randomly text me after a while and ask me for loan for every reason in this world - motor rosak, belanja tak cukup, need advance cash. same person every fucking months.

  • another person would randomly text me to ask me for a loan just to get her kid to clinic and probably get some baby milk powder with the balance. and she would keep doing this every 2-3 week after lepas tolong, and theres no thank you no whatsoever i even offered her work but you know the drill. i will never help you anymore beyond this point, your fucking kid, your fucking problem
  • another random person would text me to ask for help - work/tm stuffs. i mean, theres 100, and theres live chat, can u please do that. - please. if i offered the help, then by all means. dont simply text me out of the blue, asking for some help dude i got so many things needed to be done, and your problem is quite common, dial the fucking number 

  • and another person would text me asking for some advice, kena scam dgn kawan2 despite i already told you so - grow the fuck up

  • few random guys asking me did for some "stuffs" - im done with that shit

  • family matters. i need to look out for my lil bro and make sure hes out of trouble - if you need help, fucking ask for it. im your brother for fuck sake im not gonna forsake you. open up your mouth for once.

  • parents. with this and that. and their issues - its been 20 fucking years. get it fixed. or get a divorce. to keep going on with us grown up, its pretty much pointless at this point. its all draggy and all of the drama makes me sick. thats one hard to swallow pills. and i cant digest that the fact we all have to pretend everything is okay, makes me sick. 

  • and work stuffs. this one i can tolerate. but sometimes its unbearable - sometimes rasa nak hempan hempon. 

  • tm agents would text me from time to time asking for favors - fuck you

and this cycle, never ever ends really. everyday, ada je yang nak mintak tolong like im somewhat a jesus or a fucking savior.

do you even bother to ask that issit okay for me to help or whatever? do you even bother to ask if im happy with my life? all you care is about yourself. and whenever i tried to talk some sense into each and everyone of you, nobody's paying attention

to be honest, i cant keep going on like this. im tired. with all of your fucking petty request. im done. i dont want to save or even help people anymore beyond this point. i dont care about you. i care about me.

all of these, is eating me up from the inside. i might appear cheerful and energtic to you. but do u know that the fact im suffering from this on my own? that the fact that i also need my support system but none of you are capable enough of being one. i dont need everyone, i just need one. if you cant be my support system, then how am i going to be yours.

please. leave me alone for a while. im so tired to the point where no matter how long i sleep, no matter how much rest i had for the day, its not gonna be enough. i sleep with 0 energy, i wake up with 0 too.

there. i keep all of these bottled up inside until it swallowed me alive. i took the day off yesterday becos i feel so tired, so sluggish that i barely get my ass out of the bed. doc said "dont suffer alone" but with people with the likes of you in my life, how can i not suffer alone?

what the fuck have you been doing lately? watch things happen? or make things happen?

not your normal esports post.

hi. i have to delete the last post. lets just say i would affect my work. and i wouldnt like that.

anyway. i did it. the pubstomp. which i had in mind for years. so for those who didnt know what is a pubstomp - its a trend in america where people would storm into pubs to watch matches/games, be it football or soccer. so in gaming universe, we borrowed up the term and the function is pretty much the same.

in 2017, i hosted one pubstomp in setiawangsa. at a friend's mamak. and i did it for free. turned out, ramai gila datang. but i wasnt able to be there due to family day. and this year, i did another one. its kinda a big deal, to me - as a personal milestone.

this year, i manage to get myself a partner, after so long doing things on my own. we even get sponsorship(s), thanks to this partner. maybe to some, its no big deal. but to me, i appreciate it.

yap introduce me to this russian dude. i legitly would have thought that hes a russian, and he is by the way, but hes been in malaysia since hes a kid. this guy runs an esports club - Lapar Esports. which is legit, he got all the papers done. the 1st registered club under KBS. so we decided to team up for this pubstomp. i got all the papers, and action plans, he got the connections. and we manage to pull this off.

everything was perfect until the other party start to meddle in. oh god. 1st, they messed up the posters and all of the design. 2ndly, they doubted that i can deliver this thing, bcos its the 1st time they would do such event and monetize from it. initially, they wanted to do it for me. but then i show them my papers (where they didnt even bother to read). and ask me to compensate if i cant get the ticket running. i was this close to cancel everything due to my principles. so i get back to my team and they said, ok never mind, lets get this job done and delivered. all of those sleepless, stressful day and night was worth it.

special thanks to twtdota/netizen prihatin family, RSCO coffee, TCProduction, Lapar Esports, Battle Arena, OYO Hotels, Pineapple.MY, Dacsee, and Server DNA my. couldnt do it without you guy's supports.

to more esports programs ahead!

so here it is, i present to you, TWTDOTAxBattleArena Pubstomp 2019

the tickers! designed by kimie. initially i plan to sell this ticket for 65, 35 and 15. but then, it goes down to 50, 20 and 5. sigh

and the instaworthy backdrop i have over here.

mc for this event, Fiera Fendi and also my homie Abu

look at them sponsors banners. 

me, fiera and abu!

 almost full house, day one

guys from gaming portal. thanks for coming. 

this is everyone, who helped me from the early beginning until the end of this event. Lapar Esports, RSCO Cafe, TCP team, twtdota team.

special thanks to shuk, putri, syed, faiq, yen, haziq and ilya. without you guys, theres no way, no way i could accomplished all of these.

me and fiera. hahaha cas gila gambar

abit sad cus my team lose. PSG.LGD place 3rd in this year TI9. so dont really bother to watch the finals properly. anyhow gotta give it to them. TI10 should be our year! haha. and yes we manage to get ceb's attention - "THE CEEEEEEEEEEEEEB CHALLENGE" 

us at battle arena shouting

after this, TJLANPARTY 4! and lotssa coming. already had few things in mind, and papers (of course) and come whatever may. i'll be ready