trial number one.

hey-lo.


everything seems well. but not my my mind, according to the shrink i've been seeing for the past 18 months. from sleepless-ness. and from there, theres a lot. she said i might have abandonment issues. somewhere between-ptsd/adhd, a lil bit of anxiety. nothing serious. slightly depressed, moderate hypertension - due to sleep, lack of rest, meals. 

but worry not, i think i can handle this. giving up isnt me. heck if i were to give up, i gave up long time ago. 

trying so hard to keep my routine in check. sleep time, meal time, work time. i guess with a couple days/weeks of adjustment i might adjust right into it. 

anyway. 

nothing much to do lately. ordered a book from MPH and it seems like they have to order it from sg and it might take sometime. a book about how to be positive (cliche), recommended by a friend of mine. must be a reason why she introduced me the book so im giving it a try. 

neway, pindah rumah is delayed. TBA. and i bought a gaming chair! been eyeing one for so long. lazada haritu ada sale so sambar la satu. 1499 down to 999. ok why not




tadah! from TT gaming, royal series. originally 1499, lazada birthday ada off 999 so belilah satu. pretty decent. sebenarnya sama je semua gaming chair ni, manufacturer yg sama but then brand lain2. seat is bucket seat, adjustable 180 degree lean and handrest. plus ada lumbar pillow and neck support. try to nexflix and chill on this gaming chair. the best! (also i bought a lot of things too on lazada but none worth mentioning haha)

i guess this is the epitome of being an (single and depressed but high functioning) adult, and i quote chuck palahniuk in fight club 

“You buy furniture. You tell yourself, this is the last sofa I will ever need in my life. Buy the sofa, then for a couple years you're satisfied that no matter what goes wrong, at least you've got your sofa issue handled. Then the right set of dishes. Then the perfect bed. The drapes. The rug. Then you're trapped in your lovely nest, and the things you used to own, now they own you.”

okay, 30 mins past bedtime. i should go. see you in the next post? 

ja!




p/s : one of the "happy" pills that ive been prescribed. this one is menalat. last time i were given rameron, previously im sticking with atarax. being licensed and legally crazy/wacko/depressed aint fun yo. gotta spend 7-8 sesh in 3 months with evaluation. u had no idea. but worry not, im not insane. not yet hahah


communication, is key

its funny that i somehow rediscover how important communication is. from conveying messages, to finally agree to disagree, and how respectful the conversation/communication is. relearned/relive the most basic ones, to complex-problem solving-negotiation kind of communication.


__________________________________________________________


i broke up with this one lady, march 2018-ish. and promised myself, no more after this. and yes i did. i havent date anyone, or attached (emotionally/physically) to anyone for the whole year. untuk dijadikan cerita, someone hook me up with one lady from somewhere. with some history written on her pages. along the way, theres another lady from previous time idk tryna ignite the old flame. idk how do i say this. shes kinda in some trouble and i help her way out and thats that.

cut the story shot, i kinda develop interest(?), feelings(?) towards them both. just because one of them is feeding me emotionally (connect on the very soul level) and another one is feeding me physically (i can see i can touch once broken considered sold). going on for few months and i came to realize after those months, this is not what i wanted.

the lady from somewhere with history, shes amazing. decent good muslimah role model. i even go and get myself a dictionary just to understand her language and slang cus its so hard to understand. i learn a lot of new cool things from her. but heres the problem. shes not telling me things, and im not telling her things. so somewhere, with the developed interest/feeling(?) lama2 dia jadi mcm issue. so i say, fuck this, lets come clean. turned out, shes cant really move on from her pages, and me? i want my old lady back. 

and this lady from my previous time. shes wonderful. quite the opposite but still the kind that i would keep around but, with some heavy extra baggage with her. hence, ayat ini "no matter how hot how charming she is, someone, somewhere out there, is tired with her shit". das me (long time ago) but just because she were around i get to feed my physical attention need (i can see i can hangout) i decide to keep her around after the help. its very clear that i only want her to feed my physical needs but its not fair for me to do this. so i came clean. told her that i am still thinking bout my old lady and she totally understand (she did wronged me, duh)

and after some few nights of deep thinking, mental torturing sleepless nights. i came to realized that. this is it. i got to get her back. make things right, rewrite all the wrongs. after 1 whole year. i still have the heart for it.

i kinda miserable at 1st bcos i hate confrontations, and usually it doesnt end well bcos i am so hard to reason with. communication, is key. i learned my lesson. and hopefully it does make me a better person. a better man. about time. 


talk my friend. talk. to each other. learn one or two things about them. the more you talk, the more you ask, the more you know. 

currently listening to - its you by sezairi.
signing out!

JA!

0603190107

man this shit hurts.

i used to think of admitting/owning up the feelings are signs of weakness. still do. but the lesson behind are - you dont have to be strong all the time.

you get to sit down, rest, reevaluate your situations and come back stronger.

without realizing thats what i have been doing for so long.

towards the end of 2018

p/s : dis post is written during the last few days of december 2018. not sure why i delayed this post but here it is.

2018 has been rough. entirely. personally for me. learned a lot of things toward the end of 2018. i dont have much to say. i feel. you know, "feel"

i have things/people taken away from me. i tried so hard. to my last might. to keep them around. i feel sad. because i am not in control of things. and i learn the hard way. there are things that beyond our control. to accept. to forgive. to forget. to pickup the pieces of leftover you and move on. not to dwells on regrets, hatred, failures.

i used to think that people around me are disposable. replaceable. took them for granted as long as i could. but i never realised that i am somehow attached/bonded with them. now i know how does it feels to have them around. i know that i am somehow too late (but not that late) and glad that i get to spend the last few months get to know each and everyone of them.

neways, thank you for the opportunities. and all the things we been thru since 2010 up till now. kalau ada rezeki, ada jodoh, jumpa lagi. but this is definitely not the end. i worry too much. they are all okay. tinggal la aku seorang diri kat sini. but thats okay.

to whatever lies ahead!


figures, literally, figures

figured out that i want to start collecting dragon ball figures since a friend of my dah jadi personal shopper selalu ulang alik ke jepun. and lately i pickup a new habit, membaca pinterest, cam syok gak buat bilik ni. banyak juga DIY deco yg aku minat.

since sabtu dgn ahad dah tak kerja, plannya is nak buat something tuk isi masa lapang. i have spent so many year kerja weekend, lepas tu sekali dah tak kerja pening juga dibuatnya. kosong rasa. slow start, for now aku settlekan benda2 remeh

heres my collection of dem figures



final kamehameha vegito



nameck freeza


vegeta & goku



nameck battle showdown.


the plan is nak buat shelf-diy. and susun all of the figures, tapi tu la. nak pindah rumah juga by the end of this year. so hold dulu. sambil tengok mana satu setup yang aku minat. so much idea going on. next in the list, gonna get ssj blue goku & ssj gogeta. maybe boleh include dlm next year punya plan. pegi jepon and get all of these damn figures myself instead order dari orang 😆