here to fall

after what have happened, only now i know why you were never happy. despite having everything you ever wanted. but do not do this to me. i deserve to be happy. please let me be happy.

if you cant be happy for me, or whatever im doing in my life, please stay outta my life forever. im done living the life which isnt mine to begin with. i cant have be having opinions about things, i cant enjoy things that i've earn on my own, which i work so hard for it. i am not a 4 y/o anymore for you to tell me things. the good and the bad. whatever the end result is, its on me. because i choose what to do with my life. not on you

you've hurt me so for so long. i repressed & bottled up whatever feelings i have since i was a child. i know i am a failure to you. being compared all my life with people around me, saying that i will never be enough for you. there was never a day i would have thought i would stop looking for your approval.

i have lived long enough on my own without all of those support system that you all been saying. which leads to the point, i would question you for not asking me things like 

"are you happy now with your life?" 

"whats the matter you look troubled/bothered?"

"if you're feeling tired, take some rest"

all of these thoughts, is what swallowing me whole. after a very long long period of time not processing feelings, or any down moment, or being in denial, this has taken its toll on me and my mental health. but you dont care. dont even bother to ask. all you do is just take take take take take and drop the bomb on me if im not complying to your cause. i have feelings you know. and im hurt. all these years. being compared to people too. why cant i just live my life the way i live my life. 

to whatever approval or or validation that i've been seeking for so long, today is the day where i stop wanting all of those. 

i matter. because i lived this life. i did my part. whats the point of living someone's else ideal life just for them to say, this is not what i want. 

today is the day where i break free from whatever that keeps me down. enough. do not hold me back from reaching my full potential. and things im capable of doing

people could say no matter how bad it is, thats your family. no. i matter. my mental health matter. my life matter. i live this life, the way i live the life. it is what it is.

disclaimer - this post were written long before posting it here. theres a few more coming. depends on my mood