things that you've asked me before - part one

her - "why do you push people away. after what you've done to them?"

honestly. i have been answering your question with questions. probably deflect them every time the question pops out from your mouth.

but heres some answers,

for me to defend myself
to clarify
to compensate with all the things i did to put us apart so many times. again and again.

all of my actions, which i cant put into words. or even explain.

you probably doesnt have any idea how alone i feel, during my younger days. i dont want to talk about that, to be away from your family, and siblings does that do me. i didnt the chance to bond with them normally like other people do. parents were stricts. asian style parenting. the only people that i can talk to, share things to or do things with - friends. the reason why i easily made friends with everyone. im loud. im easy going. i always said yes. and to keep up that energy up high, is tiring. when the day ends, all i want is just to go back home, put some distance between them people. i would like some space, to regain, collect myself.

sometimes, when its getting overwhelming. im having difficulty to concentrate. i lose focus. and i bcome sloppy, and vulnerable. more to like annoyed. and i cant keep up. i hate to let them down when im like this. so the best way is to push them out. keep some distance. but in a proper manner. when ever i have the chance to.

it happen sometimes, days when you feel easily irritated - due to work, stress. anxiety. my tolerance towards people are very-very low. i tried to control myself most of the time. but it doesnt seems to work. the best way to let it go is to come down to soc med, and let them dumass people have it.

i dont think i deserve to be happy. i feel like i am a burden, to everyone. and i dont want to hurt them when i get too close, and comfortable. and when i do, i am vulnerable all over again. easily get hurt. i've been hurt before. i dont want to go thru that anymore. i build my walls up so high, so nobody would get past that. some would, and when i realize they invade my space, that is when i push them out. again and again. which i did to you, countless of time before. without any explanation.

i know its not fair to do this bcos of what had happened before. i am still traumatized. i give my all, and look like my all, isnt enough. people go. they took everything away from me. and i learned alot from my previous relationship. but still, my heart, yearns for one, hoping this is one, everytime.

this is the illusion i've created to hide my true self from people just so i not to be seen as weak. a loner.

i know what does it feels like to be alone. i know what does it like not having support system growing up. i dont expect you to read this (ceh mcm dia tahu bout this space). maybe one day you'll stumbled upon this space, and you'll get your answers.

its almost 2 am. and i think i should go.

yeap. skincare.

im gonna write something about skincare products and routine. yup. this world is going crazy. kayum is writing about skincare. actually i dont really care about skincare product and routine. but menjelang 30+ ni, and due to years and years of kerja luar, terdedah to all of habuks, sinaran UV, not even moisturizer or sunblock, muka aku cam kering n teruk. to one point mengelupas due to kurang minum air n tak jaga properly i guess.

i tried la skincare before. tapi basic. pakai facewash. from garnier, to biore, apa benda for men semua aku belasah. and i always thought that my face is oily, tapi tidak. sebenarnya sangat dry. and i've been using the wrong facewash, on my skin. punyalah lama. lepas tu i keep on using (masa belom tahu) wrong facewash, and tambah rutin moisturizer. things wasnt improving until hatim ajar cara yg betul since hes a pharmacist. mula2 pakai sha-tera. organic based. bagus. tapi pedih sebab ingredients dia. but then kena combo dgn moisturizer. pakai satu je, takde moisturizer kulit kering balik.

and now. lepas mendapat konsultasi dari this one fella, im using kiehls. spent 3 hours dalam tu. consultation dia best, dia try ni, try tu. and she teach me a lot of things. skincare ni apa sebenarnya. apa rutin dia. mende related semua ah. and now barulah aku tahu theres 4 basic things yg a guy shud know in his skincare routine.

1. cleanser - to clean your face setiap pagi, and before sleep. excessive oil, dirt, apa benda semua dia buang. tepek je kat muka, dont rub, massage slowly sampai lah sekata, and biar around 30 sec to 1 min baru bilas muka.

2. toner - this one functions as sekatakan tone kulit kau. pores besar dia kecikkan, and whats not. tak berapa geti nak explain, tapi remember, before you apply any serum, or whatever, pakai toner dulu.

3. moisturizer - moisturizer punya function is to trap all the lembab inside the skin so taklah kering, and sentiasa keep your skin moist, and hydrate from extreme weather out there. sejuk dalam aircond pun kena bcos aircond sebenarnya keringkan kulit juga somehow.

4. sunblock - this one optional. tapi i think penting juga. sebab aku naik motor, terdedah direct sunlight. so this one keep your skin dari kena bakar hidup2 and absorb all of the uv lights so tak la kau hitam legam (which is too late for me, i know)

for people yg had the wrong idea like i had - pakai skincare nak putih, the concept is totally wrong. putih tu benda lain sebenarnya. but the thing is to have them skin healthy. takde jerawat, takde jeragat, tak kering, sentiasa nampak fresh and paling penting tak rosakkan kulit.

advance skincare - serum, vit C and whats not tu nanti ah. goal sekarang is to have them skin clear from any damage, blackheads, jerawat, excessive oil and sebum, and the list goes on.

nampak, tak. abang dah expert siot skincare HAHAHAHAH. no im not. still got a longway to go. and i've been using kiehls for 1 month, nampak la result dia. fresh look every morning, tak kering. lembut je muka aku. tak kasar dah. bersih. hahaha gila ah.

they have lotssa products. and always remember, hydration is the key! kiehls mid valley

and i bought the whole set. almost rm 500 for the whole set and dapatlah some freebies.

ini moisturizer dia yang boleh kata basic, dan sesuai digunakan untuk semua jenis skin type. datang dengan botol kecil dan besar. 

facial toner yang akan menyekatakan kulit anda. taklah bercapuk sana kering sini pores sana minyak sini. penting. 

ok ni pon one of the core routine and wajib. cleanser. some would call facewash and whatever. kalau boleh cari yg tak berbuih, and organic. skin type pun kena tengok, ada yang for all, ada yg special. and rub gently dekat muka, jangan tonyoh. calar nanti rupa. which is tak elok lah. 

jadi camne, ok tak orang laki tulis pasal penjagaan muka. rare hahah. anyway, jgn rasa malu ke segan. we should take care of ourselves. bukan belanja makwe je. kita sendiri ni kena jaga barulah kemas, hensem. baru boleh ngorat makwe. and maybe soon aku akan belajar guna serum n apa benda yang lain2 tu semua. hehe. and if ada i will share dengan u guys. 

ok. time to sleep. see ya in the next post. 

why i feel so overwhelmed and all the things in between

do you know, i lived my 24 hours a day, not for me. not even 80% of my time for myself.

my day starts at 630 everyday. i would wake up 630 everyday for subuh prayer, and gosok gigi before i sleep back for at least 1 hour untiil 730. usually i would mandi first, and sleep. and i will leave for office around 745 am. will arrive around 815-820 for morning assembly which is compulsory and only get my breakfast around 9 am.

and my work starts after that. u might see my rants on my personal twitter like i have no other job to do right? actually i do. sambil-sambil. and i usually work until 245-3 before i go out for lunch. and continue working until 630. and it didnt stop there. if theres a need to for me to go to the cafe to deal with stuffs, i'll go to the cafe, else im staying in the office till 830 or 9-ish. and i go for dinner, and arrive home around 10. or 10.30. normal days. thursday is a bit different. i would go home early and then lepak with put n tims around 10.30 till late.

pretty much lived my day like this for everyday. and this is whats in between. i would like to screenshot hows my whatsapp texts looked like but dont think its proper.

  • few people would randomly text me after a while and ask me for loan for every reason in this world - motor rosak, belanja tak cukup, need advance cash. same person every fucking months.

  • another person would randomly text me to ask me for a loan just to get her kid to clinic and probably get some baby milk powder with the balance. and she would keep doing this every 2-3 week after lepas tolong, and theres no thank you no whatsoever i even offered her work but you know the drill. i will never help you anymore beyond this point, your fucking kid, your fucking problem
  • another random person would text me to ask for help - work/tm stuffs. i mean, theres 100, and theres live chat, can u please do that. - please. if i offered the help, then by all means. dont simply text me out of the blue, asking for some help dude i got so many things needed to be done, and your problem is quite common, dial the fucking number 

  • and another person would text me asking for some advice, kena scam dgn kawan2 despite i already told you so - grow the fuck up

  • few random guys asking me did for some "stuffs" - im done with that shit

  • family matters. i need to look out for my lil bro and make sure hes out of trouble - if you need help, fucking ask for it. im your brother for fuck sake im not gonna forsake you. open up your mouth for once.

  • parents. with this and that. and their issues - its been 20 fucking years. get it fixed. or get a divorce. to keep going on with us grown up, its pretty much pointless at this point. its all draggy and all of the drama makes me sick. thats one hard to swallow pills. and i cant digest that the fact we all have to pretend everything is okay, makes me sick. 

  • and work stuffs. this one i can tolerate. but sometimes its unbearable - sometimes rasa nak hempan hempon. 

  • tm agents would text me from time to time asking for favors - fuck you

and this cycle, never ever ends really. everyday, ada je yang nak mintak tolong like im somewhat a jesus or a fucking savior.

do you even bother to ask that issit okay for me to help or whatever? do you even bother to ask if im happy with my life? all you care is about yourself. and whenever i tried to talk some sense into each and everyone of you, nobody's paying attention

to be honest, i cant keep going on like this. im tired. with all of your fucking petty request. im done. i dont want to save or even help people anymore beyond this point. i dont care about you. i care about me.

all of these, is eating me up from the inside. i might appear cheerful and energtic to you. but do u know that the fact im suffering from this on my own? that the fact that i also need my support system but none of you are capable enough of being one. i dont need everyone, i just need one. if you cant be my support system, then how am i going to be yours.

please. leave me alone for a while. im so tired to the point where no matter how long i sleep, no matter how much rest i had for the day, its not gonna be enough. i sleep with 0 energy, i wake up with 0 too.

there. i keep all of these bottled up inside until it swallowed me alive. i took the day off yesterday becos i feel so tired, so sluggish that i barely get my ass out of the bed. doc said "dont suffer alone" but with people with the likes of you in my life, how can i not suffer alone?

what the fuck have you been doing lately? watch things happen? or make things happen?

not your normal esports post.

hi. i have to delete the last post. lets just say i would affect my work. and i wouldnt like that.

anyway. i did it. the pubstomp. which i had in mind for years. so for those who didnt know what is a pubstomp - its a trend in america where people would storm into pubs to watch matches/games, be it football or soccer. so in gaming universe, we borrowed up the term and the function is pretty much the same.

in 2017, i hosted one pubstomp in setiawangsa. at a friend's mamak. and i did it for free. turned out, ramai gila datang. but i wasnt able to be there due to family day. and this year, i did another one. its kinda a big deal, to me - as a personal milestone.

this year, i manage to get myself a partner, after so long doing things on my own. we even get sponsorship(s), thanks to this partner. maybe to some, its no big deal. but to me, i appreciate it.

yap introduce me to this russian dude. i legitly would have thought that hes a russian, and he is by the way, but hes been in malaysia since hes a kid. this guy runs an esports club - Lapar Esports. which is legit, he got all the papers done. the 1st registered club under KBS. so we decided to team up for this pubstomp. i got all the papers, and action plans, he got the connections. and we manage to pull this off.

everything was perfect until the other party start to meddle in. oh god. 1st, they messed up the posters and all of the design. 2ndly, they doubted that i can deliver this thing, bcos its the 1st time they would do such event and monetize from it. initially, they wanted to do it for me. but then i show them my papers (where they didnt even bother to read). and ask me to compensate if i cant get the ticket running. i was this close to cancel everything due to my principles. so i get back to my team and they said, ok never mind, lets get this job done and delivered. all of those sleepless, stressful day and night was worth it.

special thanks to twtdota/netizen prihatin family, RSCO coffee, TCProduction, Lapar Esports, Battle Arena, OYO Hotels, Pineapple.MY, Dacsee, and Server DNA my. couldnt do it without you guy's supports.

to more esports programs ahead!

so here it is, i present to you, TWTDOTAxBattleArena Pubstomp 2019

the tickers! designed by kimie. initially i plan to sell this ticket for 65, 35 and 15. but then, it goes down to 50, 20 and 5. sigh

and the instaworthy backdrop i have over here.

mc for this event, Fiera Fendi and also my homie Abu

look at them sponsors banners. 

me, fiera and abu!

 almost full house, day one

guys from gaming portal. thanks for coming. 

this is everyone, who helped me from the early beginning until the end of this event. Lapar Esports, RSCO Cafe, TCP team, twtdota team.

special thanks to shuk, putri, syed, faiq, yen, haziq and ilya. without you guys, theres no way, no way i could accomplished all of these.

me and fiera. hahaha cas gila gambar

abit sad cus my team lose. PSG.LGD place 3rd in this year TI9. so dont really bother to watch the finals properly. anyhow gotta give it to them. TI10 should be our year! haha. and yes we manage to get ceb's attention - "THE CEEEEEEEEEEEEEB CHALLENGE" 

us at battle arena shouting

after this, TJLANPARTY 4! and lotssa coming. already had few things in mind, and papers (of course) and come whatever may. i'll be ready

i guess i just feel like

i dont know how to make it up to you. for the loss time. i know i have been busy. i tried, but theres too much on my plate right now. and i know i am being selfish too. you know i dont say no to every request..but i keep saying no to you.

i understand that the fact youre hurting. bcos of me. tapi, understand this. its not only you. i choose not to reply text lately. bcos its too much. i choose not to answer phone calls, bcos i dont know what else to say. im out of words. my friend just died, im occupied with the cafe and production stuffs, i got one big event to cover, im having job promotion interviews and exam too and i only get the rest when im home. itu pun kalau takde orang yang datang to lepak. i would, i would love to say no, but then belum apa-apa dah sampai. kalau takde orang datang, i get home from meeting only to have another meeting via discord/skype.

i havent take care of myself too. look at me. i look like a hobo. who've lost his job, his work. screwed over. i havent get much sleep. rest, even eat properly too. poor megan too. havent give much attention to her well being. oil change is overdue. need to service megan too but it seems like i dont have the luxury of time to do so.

i promise you, give me sometime to sort this thing out. and im not going anywhere. i need to breathe. i need space. i might not reply every text or pickup every calls. youre on my mind. i always think about you. just hold on a bit longer.

the day i've lost a brother, and a friend.

its been one week. since madi's & syu passing. i still find it hard to accept. they both gone. to be there when it happened, was the hardest. i cried, like a lot. to the point where i feel like my head and eyes are going to explode. wasnt me alone. arip, fai. shah. i felt and share their loss. whole kcr family. arip cried as soon as he arrive to my office. i hugged him. and calm him down. i cried all the way to the hospital. cried again when i arrived. cried again when the whole family arrived. cried all the way to shah alam, cried again during solat, until he were put away down there.

and during the whole process, we all talk about how madi was a good friend, brother to us. he were always there. for over 10 years, hes been a very good friend to us. and he left. god loves him more. thats for sure. jodoh kau dgn syu panjang madi. together. dari hidup, sampailah kau kembali pada dia.

rehatlah sahabat. its time for you to go now. surely, we'll meet again someday later. for now, rehat elok-elok. kami yg ada akan sentiasa doakan semoga roh kamu dan syu sentiasa bersama-sama orang yang soleh. amin.

 kenduri madi di shah alam

 gathering 1st kcr kat pc, 10 years ago exactly

kenduri madi di tepeng

kalau nak cerita semua, tak habis kenangan dgn memori sepanjang-panjang kita berkawan. dan aku hargai sepanjang-panjang kita berkawan madi. takkan ada gantinya. 

i could use some space for myself, right now.

tough day. almost had a breakdown today in the office. on tuesday morning. these few weeks are quite overwhelming. i havent had rest weekend since last 3 week. i have been juggling work and business, at the same time doing stuffs for twtdota, mostly on my own.

i cant take it. at one point in today's operation meeting. i think i've lost it. all i heard is noises. at the same time, tunnel vision. drowning in my own thought. air is thin. i feel suffocated.

few moment passed. i just had to go out from that environment for a while. went into the toilet and wash my face. collect myself. got it under control, but then it is not the same. still feel suffocated until i get home.

things are crazy, right now. progress happened too fast. i thought i could do it, it really push me to the point where my body and mind would break. and the worst part is im doing it on my own. with little to no help at all. after work, coffee shop meeting, after meeting, just to come home to another meeting.

i strongly feel like i need to disconnect for a while. so i came here.

some space, please?

raya, 2019.

wuzzah. its me yo boi.

and pejam celik, pejam celik. its raya again. i have been missing. again i know. raya was good. and at the same time, probably the most loneliest raya i ever went thru.  tahun ni, lansung tak sempat jumpa the boys, at all. kosong rasa. bbq malam raya pun tak ada this year. most of the gang dah kawin. ada balik rumah mertua. almost 10 tahun rasanya. every raya mesti buat bbq. aku faham. life happens. i miss them. my friends. all of em.

aku balik hari selasa haritu. tahun ni, aku orang paling last keluar office. tgh hari selasa, lepas tu baru balik batu pahat. balik pun tak lama. raya ke 2 dah balik semula ke kl. cuti lama, tapi sebab tak bawa motor, tumpang adik. dia balik, aku pun baliklah. plus ada wedding weasel dekat ganu hari sabtu.

i havent went to terengganu for quite a long time. sempat la jugak singgah pantai baru burok and visit jambatan baru. jem nak haram on the way balik, singgah cukai, tido resort kijal satu malam. and the next day singgah kuantan tido sana pula satu malam. barulah balik kl. holiday raya, layan diri.

in my 3 days journey, aku sedar banyak benda. i learn that all of the things, i had, and i own, are my biggest distraction. things i own, own me. even with everything, aku masih rasa kosong, bosan. tak tahu nak buat apa. i get to relax, get away from things. barulah boleh fikir straight. tido awal. tak fikir benda-benda yang tak seharusnya difikir.

anyway. cuti sampai kamis. jumaat start kerja. and besok, kalau aku rasa tak boleh go, aku masuk officelah. kerja mcm biasa. lepas ni maybe takde break dah. sampai bulan 8. and kena conserve cuti for whatever nanti menjelang nov/dec. i wanna go somewhere. ease my mind.

i think i should sleep. tryna live the healthy life katanya lepas raya. so heres some pics from raya.

moms with peace sign and dear cuzzies

along keno. uncle razip

me n momsie

wiwi the fatcat

with capil n jibby. 

@ weasel's wedding

hypebeast yo!

meet my nephew, muhammad qarizh. comel kan? 

tok leha and tok atan clans

sempat jumpa dod je malam raya. lain semua rip.

trial number one.


everything seems well. but not my my mind, according to the shrink i've been seeing for the past 18 months. from sleepless-ness. and from there, theres a lot. she said i might have abandonment issues. somewhere between-ptsd/adhd, a lil bit of anxiety. nothing serious. slightly depressed, moderate hypertension - due to sleep, lack of rest, meals. 

but worry not, i think i can handle this. giving up isnt me. heck if i were to give up, i gave up long time ago. 

trying so hard to keep my routine in check. sleep time, meal time, work time. i guess with a couple days/weeks of adjustment i might adjust right into it. 


nothing much to do lately. ordered a book from MPH and it seems like they have to order it from sg and it might take sometime. a book about how to be positive (cliche), recommended by a friend of mine. must be a reason why she introduced me the book so im giving it a try. 

neway, pindah rumah is delayed. TBA. and i bought a gaming chair! been eyeing one for so long. lazada haritu ada sale so sambar la satu. 1499 down to 999. ok why not

tadah! from TT gaming, royal series. originally 1499, lazada birthday ada off 999 so belilah satu. pretty decent. sebenarnya sama je semua gaming chair ni, manufacturer yg sama but then brand lain2. seat is bucket seat, adjustable 180 degree lean and handrest. plus ada lumbar pillow and neck support. try to nexflix and chill on this gaming chair. the best! (also i bought a lot of things too on lazada but none worth mentioning haha)

i guess this is the epitome of being an (single and depressed but high functioning) adult, and i quote chuck palahniuk in fight club 

“You buy furniture. You tell yourself, this is the last sofa I will ever need in my life. Buy the sofa, then for a couple years you're satisfied that no matter what goes wrong, at least you've got your sofa issue handled. Then the right set of dishes. Then the perfect bed. The drapes. The rug. Then you're trapped in your lovely nest, and the things you used to own, now they own you.”

okay, 30 mins past bedtime. i should go. see you in the next post? 


p/s : one of the "happy" pills that ive been prescribed. this one is menalat. last time i were given rameron, previously im sticking with atarax. being licensed and legally crazy/wacko/depressed aint fun yo. gotta spend 7-8 sesh in 3 months with evaluation. u had no idea. but worry not, im not insane. not yet hahah

communication, is key

its funny that i somehow rediscover how important communication is. from conveying messages, to finally agree to disagree, and how respectful the conversation/communication is. relearned/relive the most basic ones, to complex-problem solving-negotiation kind of communication.


i broke up with this one lady, march 2018-ish. and promised myself, no more after this. and yes i did. i havent date anyone, or attached (emotionally/physically) to anyone for the whole year. untuk dijadikan cerita, someone hook me up with one lady from somewhere. with some history written on her pages. along the way, theres another lady from previous time idk tryna ignite the old flame. idk how do i say this. shes kinda in some trouble and i help her way out and thats that.

cut the story shot, i kinda develop interest(?), feelings(?) towards them both. just because one of them is feeding me emotionally (connect on the very soul level) and another one is feeding me physically (i can see i can touch once broken considered sold). going on for few months and i came to realize after those months, this is not what i wanted.

the lady from somewhere with history, shes amazing. decent good muslimah role model. i even go and get myself a dictionary just to understand her language and slang cus its so hard to understand. i learn a lot of new cool things from her. but heres the problem. shes not telling me things, and im not telling her things. so somewhere, with the developed interest/feeling(?) lama2 dia jadi mcm issue. so i say, fuck this, lets come clean. turned out, shes cant really move on from her pages, and me? i want my old lady back. 

and this lady from my previous time. shes wonderful. quite the opposite but still the kind that i would keep around but, with some heavy extra baggage with her. hence, ayat ini "no matter how hot how charming she is, someone, somewhere out there, is tired with her shit". das me (long time ago) but just because she were around i get to feed my physical attention need (i can see i can hangout) i decide to keep her around after the help. its very clear that i only want her to feed my physical needs but its not fair for me to do this. so i came clean. told her that i am still thinking bout my old lady and she totally understand (she did wronged me, duh)

and after some few nights of deep thinking, mental torturing sleepless nights. i came to realized that. this is it. i got to get her back. make things right, rewrite all the wrongs. after 1 whole year. i still have the heart for it.

i kinda miserable at 1st bcos i hate confrontations, and usually it doesnt end well bcos i am so hard to reason with. communication, is key. i learned my lesson. and hopefully it does make me a better person. a better man. about time. 

talk my friend. talk. to each other. learn one or two things about them. the more you talk, the more you ask, the more you know. 

currently listening to - its you by sezairi.
signing out!



man this shit hurts.

i used to think of admitting/owning up the feelings are signs of weakness. still do. but the lesson behind are - you dont have to be strong all the time.

you get to sit down, rest, reevaluate your situations and come back stronger.

without realizing thats what i have been doing for so long.

towards the end of 2018

p/s : dis post is written during the last few days of december 2018. not sure why i delayed this post but here it is.

2018 has been rough. entirely. personally for me. learned a lot of things toward the end of 2018. i dont have much to say. i feel. you know, "feel"

i have things/people taken away from me. i tried so hard. to my last might. to keep them around. i feel sad. because i am not in control of things. and i learn the hard way. there are things that beyond our control. to accept. to forgive. to forget. to pickup the pieces of leftover you and move on. not to dwells on regrets, hatred, failures.

i used to think that people around me are disposable. replaceable. took them for granted as long as i could. but i never realised that i am somehow attached/bonded with them. now i know how does it feels to have them around. i know that i am somehow too late (but not that late) and glad that i get to spend the last few months get to know each and everyone of them.

neways, thank you for the opportunities. and all the things we been thru since 2010 up till now. kalau ada rezeki, ada jodoh, jumpa lagi. but this is definitely not the end. i worry too much. they are all okay. tinggal la aku seorang diri kat sini. but thats okay.

to whatever lies ahead!