i guess i just feel like

i dont know how to make it up to you. for the loss time. i know i have been busy. i tried, but theres too much on my plate right now. and i know i am being selfish too. you know i dont say no to every request..but i keep saying no to you.

i understand that the fact youre hurting. bcos of me. tapi, understand this. its not only you. i choose not to reply text lately. bcos its too much. i choose not to answer phone calls, bcos i dont know what else to say. im out of words. my friend just died, im occupied with the cafe and production stuffs, i got one big event to cover, im having job promotion interviews and exam too and i only get the rest when im home. itu pun kalau takde orang yang datang to lepak. i would, i would love to say no, but then belum apa-apa dah sampai. kalau takde orang datang, i get home from meeting only to have another meeting via discord/skype.

i havent take care of myself too. look at me. i look like a hobo. who've lost his job, his work. screwed over. i havent get much sleep. rest, even eat properly too. poor megan too. havent give much attention to her well being. oil change is overdue. need to service megan too but it seems like i dont have the luxury of time to do so.

i promise you, give me sometime to sort this thing out. and im not going anywhere. i need to breathe. i need space. i might not reply every text or pickup every calls. youre on my mind. i always think about you. just hold on a bit longer.

the day i've lost a brother, and a friend.

its been one week. since madi's & syu passing. i still find it hard to accept. they both gone. to be there when it happened, was the hardest. i cried, like a lot. to the point where i feel like my head and eyes are going to explode. wasnt me alone. arip, fai. shah. i felt and share their loss. whole kcr family. arip cried as soon as he arrive to my office. i hugged him. and calm him down. i cried all the way to the hospital. cried again when i arrived. cried again when the whole family arrived. cried all the way to shah alam, cried again during solat, until he were put away down there.

and during the whole process, we all talk about how madi was a good friend, brother to us. he were always there. for over 10 years, hes been a very good friend to us. and he left. god loves him more. thats for sure. jodoh kau dgn syu panjang madi. together. dari hidup, sampailah kau kembali pada dia.

rehatlah sahabat. its time for you to go now. surely, we'll meet again someday later. for now, rehat elok-elok. kami yg ada akan sentiasa doakan semoga roh kamu dan syu sentiasa bersama-sama orang yang soleh. amin.

 kenduri madi di shah alam

 gathering 1st kcr kat pc, 10 years ago exactly

kenduri madi di tepeng

kalau nak cerita semua, tak habis kenangan dgn memori sepanjang-panjang kita berkawan. dan aku hargai sepanjang-panjang kita berkawan madi. takkan ada gantinya. 

i could use some space for myself, right now.

tough day. almost had a breakdown today in the office. on tuesday morning. these few weeks are quite overwhelming. i havent had rest weekend since last 3 week. i have been juggling work and business, at the same time doing stuffs for twtdota, mostly on my own.

i cant take it. at one point in today's operation meeting. i think i've lost it. all i heard is noises. at the same time, tunnel vision. drowning in my own thought. air is thin. i feel suffocated.

few moment passed. i just had to go out from that environment for a while. went into the toilet and wash my face. collect myself. got it under control, but then it is not the same. still feel suffocated until i get home.

things are crazy, right now. progress happened too fast. i thought i could do it, it really push me to the point where my body and mind would break. and the worst part is im doing it on my own. with little to no help at all. after work, coffee shop meeting, after meeting, just to come home to another meeting.

i strongly feel like i need to disconnect for a while. so i came here.

some space, please?

raya, 2019.

wuzzah. its me yo boi.

and pejam celik, pejam celik. its raya again. i have been missing. again i know. raya was good. and at the same time, probably the most loneliest raya i ever went thru.  tahun ni, lansung tak sempat jumpa the boys, at all. kosong rasa. bbq malam raya pun tak ada this year. most of the gang dah kawin. ada balik rumah mertua. almost 10 tahun rasanya. every raya mesti buat bbq. aku faham. life happens. i miss them. my friends. all of em.

aku balik hari selasa haritu. tahun ni, aku orang paling last keluar office. tgh hari selasa, lepas tu baru balik batu pahat. balik pun tak lama. raya ke 2 dah balik semula ke kl. cuti lama, tapi sebab tak bawa motor, tumpang adik. dia balik, aku pun baliklah. plus ada wedding weasel dekat ganu hari sabtu.

i havent went to terengganu for quite a long time. sempat la jugak singgah pantai baru burok and visit jambatan baru. jem nak haram on the way balik, singgah cukai, tido resort kijal satu malam. and the next day singgah kuantan tido sana pula satu malam. barulah balik kl. holiday raya, layan diri.

in my 3 days journey, aku sedar banyak benda. i learn that all of the things, i had, and i own, are my biggest distraction. things i own, own me. even with everything, aku masih rasa kosong, bosan. tak tahu nak buat apa. i get to relax, get away from things. barulah boleh fikir straight. tido awal. tak fikir benda-benda yang tak seharusnya difikir.

anyway. cuti sampai kamis. jumaat start kerja. and besok, kalau aku rasa tak boleh go, aku masuk officelah. kerja mcm biasa. lepas ni maybe takde break dah. sampai bulan 8. and kena conserve cuti for whatever nanti menjelang nov/dec. i wanna go somewhere. ease my mind.

i think i should sleep. tryna live the healthy life katanya lepas raya. so heres some pics from raya.

moms with peace sign and dear cuzzies

along keno. uncle razip

me n momsie

wiwi the fatcat

with capil n jibby. 

@ weasel's wedding

hypebeast yo!

meet my nephew, muhammad qarizh. comel kan? 

tok leha and tok atan clans

sempat jumpa dod je malam raya. lain semua rip.

trial number one.


everything seems well. but not my my mind, according to the shrink i've been seeing for the past 18 months. from sleepless-ness. and from there, theres a lot. she said i might have abandonment issues. somewhere between-ptsd/adhd, a lil bit of anxiety. nothing serious. slightly depressed, moderate hypertension - due to sleep, lack of rest, meals. 

but worry not, i think i can handle this. giving up isnt me. heck if i were to give up, i gave up long time ago. 

trying so hard to keep my routine in check. sleep time, meal time, work time. i guess with a couple days/weeks of adjustment i might adjust right into it. 


nothing much to do lately. ordered a book from MPH and it seems like they have to order it from sg and it might take sometime. a book about how to be positive (cliche), recommended by a friend of mine. must be a reason why she introduced me the book so im giving it a try. 

neway, pindah rumah is delayed. TBA. and i bought a gaming chair! been eyeing one for so long. lazada haritu ada sale so sambar la satu. 1499 down to 999. ok why not

tadah! from TT gaming, royal series. originally 1499, lazada birthday ada off 999 so belilah satu. pretty decent. sebenarnya sama je semua gaming chair ni, manufacturer yg sama but then brand lain2. seat is bucket seat, adjustable 180 degree lean and handrest. plus ada lumbar pillow and neck support. try to nexflix and chill on this gaming chair. the best! (also i bought a lot of things too on lazada but none worth mentioning haha)

i guess this is the epitome of being an (single and depressed but high functioning) adult, and i quote chuck palahniuk in fight club 

“You buy furniture. You tell yourself, this is the last sofa I will ever need in my life. Buy the sofa, then for a couple years you're satisfied that no matter what goes wrong, at least you've got your sofa issue handled. Then the right set of dishes. Then the perfect bed. The drapes. The rug. Then you're trapped in your lovely nest, and the things you used to own, now they own you.”

okay, 30 mins past bedtime. i should go. see you in the next post? 


p/s : one of the "happy" pills that ive been prescribed. this one is menalat. last time i were given rameron, previously im sticking with atarax. being licensed and legally crazy/wacko/depressed aint fun yo. gotta spend 7-8 sesh in 3 months with evaluation. u had no idea. but worry not, im not insane. not yet hahah

communication, is key

its funny that i somehow rediscover how important communication is. from conveying messages, to finally agree to disagree, and how respectful the conversation/communication is. relearned/relive the most basic ones, to complex-problem solving-negotiation kind of communication.


i broke up with this one lady, march 2018-ish. and promised myself, no more after this. and yes i did. i havent date anyone, or attached (emotionally/physically) to anyone for the whole year. untuk dijadikan cerita, someone hook me up with one lady from somewhere. with some history written on her pages. along the way, theres another lady from previous time idk tryna ignite the old flame. idk how do i say this. shes kinda in some trouble and i help her way out and thats that.

cut the story shot, i kinda develop interest(?), feelings(?) towards them both. just because one of them is feeding me emotionally (connect on the very soul level) and another one is feeding me physically (i can see i can touch once broken considered sold). going on for few months and i came to realize after those months, this is not what i wanted.

the lady from somewhere with history, shes amazing. decent good muslimah role model. i even go and get myself a dictionary just to understand her language and slang cus its so hard to understand. i learn a lot of new cool things from her. but heres the problem. shes not telling me things, and im not telling her things. so somewhere, with the developed interest/feeling(?) lama2 dia jadi mcm issue. so i say, fuck this, lets come clean. turned out, shes cant really move on from her pages, and me? i want my old lady back. 

and this lady from my previous time. shes wonderful. quite the opposite but still the kind that i would keep around but, with some heavy extra baggage with her. hence, ayat ini "no matter how hot how charming she is, someone, somewhere out there, is tired with her shit". das me (long time ago) but just because she were around i get to feed my physical attention need (i can see i can hangout) i decide to keep her around after the help. its very clear that i only want her to feed my physical needs but its not fair for me to do this. so i came clean. told her that i am still thinking bout my old lady and she totally understand (she did wronged me, duh)

and after some few nights of deep thinking, mental torturing sleepless nights. i came to realized that. this is it. i got to get her back. make things right, rewrite all the wrongs. after 1 whole year. i still have the heart for it.

i kinda miserable at 1st bcos i hate confrontations, and usually it doesnt end well bcos i am so hard to reason with. communication, is key. i learned my lesson. and hopefully it does make me a better person. a better man. about time. 

talk my friend. talk. to each other. learn one or two things about them. the more you talk, the more you ask, the more you know. 

currently listening to - its you by sezairi.
signing out!



man this shit hurts.

i used to think of admitting/owning up the feelings are signs of weakness. still do. but the lesson behind are - you dont have to be strong all the time.

you get to sit down, rest, reevaluate your situations and come back stronger.

without realizing thats what i have been doing for so long.

towards the end of 2018

p/s : dis post is written during the last few days of december 2018. not sure why i delayed this post but here it is.

2018 has been rough. entirely. personally for me. learned a lot of things toward the end of 2018. i dont have much to say. i feel. you know, "feel"

i have things/people taken away from me. i tried so hard. to my last might. to keep them around. i feel sad. because i am not in control of things. and i learn the hard way. there are things that beyond our control. to accept. to forgive. to forget. to pickup the pieces of leftover you and move on. not to dwells on regrets, hatred, failures.

i used to think that people around me are disposable. replaceable. took them for granted as long as i could. but i never realised that i am somehow attached/bonded with them. now i know how does it feels to have them around. i know that i am somehow too late (but not that late) and glad that i get to spend the last few months get to know each and everyone of them.

neways, thank you for the opportunities. and all the things we been thru since 2010 up till now. kalau ada rezeki, ada jodoh, jumpa lagi. but this is definitely not the end. i worry too much. they are all okay. tinggal la aku seorang diri kat sini. but thats okay.

to whatever lies ahead!