my hari raya

as usual,the night before raya.everybody was busy with house chores and etc2.

while im busy working.

but there is one thing i want to comment about.

"if you are too lazy to clean your own house,your own mess and your own fault,next time :

a) please do not make the house dirty and messy

b) please hire a maid to do the chores

c) please do not use the "mouth" while you're doing the chores and

there is always the final choice which is ;

d) do not clean at all.leave it to the state it is.and yes.definitely do not celebrate raya.

mom, im tired.and i know so do you. but there is 3 person in the house that didnt work up to late times like me.

there's yaya. there's celi.and lokman too.

but dont u think it is not fair just to yell out your anger on me? im just saying "is there any food left for me", and gives you the right to go WTF on me mom?

thats not fair.really.

im hurt.

although you didnt buy me new clothing,either new sandals, or new songkok.i dont mind mom.

i dont mind. i just need the "feeling" to celebrate raya with my own family peacefully.without yelling and so.

im a bit sad.but really i dont mind.enough just to see my brothers and sister wear new things.

then there is dad.

can you believe it, he almost didnt talk to me since last march for no reason. actually it started long time before.since before my SPM days.maybe the exact time is around PMR. i dont really know what is his problem is. but yeah. it saddens me that i couldnt have a NORMAL chat with my own old man. my own dad. even having meals together. dinner? lunch? yeah.

in addition, to my sadness. he can normally talk to my two younger brothers. like normal people. like a dad. but not with me. during my college time also. you both never ask, ever ask about my well-being. simple questions like have you eaten son, we'll come to visit you, hows your study.

still i dont mind. im strong mom. im strong dad.

but this ramadhan really, really crossed my heart and shattered it. im having my meal alone in the room. sometimes alone in the office. what? am i do not exist in front of you eh dad? im a big disgrace for you?

there really a bunch of things that i wanna said to you.since my school era. you never ever give me anything if i do well in school, or score number 1, or join any competition. all you do is keep on scolding me. STUDY, STUDY, STUDY and whack here and there. holiday trip? dont ask. buy me handphone? no and NONE. gadgets? eternally NONE.

thats why this year's RAYA, i dont feel like raya.really im tired with all of these. and mom. i just sleep that day on 4 am. and you wake me up hellishly at 7 am with your yellings. and telling things like " macam ni kau tak payah raya"

duh.i know its raya.and i know my responsibility getting up and get ready. but dont you think that is too much. you didnt prepared anything for me yet you still saying like that. mom, i had a heart too. im tired too. its not all about you in the house. everybody is doing their jobs in this house and the only reason you acted like that is because you didnt see it. you didnt see it because you yourself did not want to see it happening . all you complain is about only you working, only you tired.

cmon mom, you work from 8 am to 11 am. and comming home 12 pm. and you keep complaining tired tired tired. im working long hours. yeah i know you're old. but there is always people older and doing harder work than you. dont you think you're overated? and a little bit selfish to others.

and for all of these reasons, i acted like that during the 1st day of raya. i keep on sleeping till i realized that you guys gone and yet comeback yesterday. still im kinda sad. and im trying to get my raya happiness with my buddies. i only obtain happiness of being a family with them. but not with you guys.

i've been holding this questions and hatred feeling for a long long time. and now i could not sleep. its been 2 hours since i try to sleep and i keep on looping on this topic in my mind for hours and hours.

i wanna sleep.i wanna be normal. i dont want anything from you guys. no not money. no not love. i just want you guys to acknowledge me as your child. be proud with me for what i've done. i know i've been wasting money. but i did what you guys want. i did enter university. i did get my degree. what else do you want? a big house? expensive cars? a lot of money?

if this continues to go on. i might not be able to mend my heart anymore. its been corrupted with you guys lack of parenting issues within your children. im sad you guys. cant you guys see in my eyes. or im just a professional actor. i try to open my mouth. but did you guys ever gave me any chance to do so?

im not being selfish. im just saying my feelings. please read 1st before you guys decide to label me as what. i dont mind.

and im writing this for myself too. i dont ever want to be like you guys. i wanna be an awesome dad.and awesome grandad.and super awesome grand grand dad.

nobody wanted to listen to me.

nobody.

no.

body.