morning musings because i am dead bored

I.


i always like this kind of atmosphere where everything is really calm before the storm finally came. currently i am sitting on my chair, looking out of the window. im bored, dead bored. i have been working so hard, so goddamn hard till theres nothing more to be done before 12. and here i am, writing this bullshit or bullcrap or whatever u guys want to call them.

i always thought that by taking some time off from things, would buy me more time to do other things. in fact, i was wrong. theres still things needed to be done. once u've finished with this one thing, another thing came in. and the cycle keeps on repeating itself. currently retiring from all of those dota n twt_dota thingy, datang pula benda lain.

jadi sebenarnya mcm mana kita nak bebaskan diri dari tanggungjawab. i mean, for once, i want to sleep without having things to think about before i sleep, and after i sleep. i dont want to answer this and that, or talk to people. i just want to relax and do my things without thinking about other people. i want to live on my own, for now. u know, talk to the same people everyday. the same thing, routine. i feel like i should disappear. i feel like i should stand far far away and only watch. but i couldnt resist that. maybe i am not that kind of person to begin with.

its not that i didnt try. i did. mom, and few more other people keep on asking me, why didnt u rply, are u busy, are they bothering u till u didnt rply anything. idk what to say to them. i wish i cudda've answer - "malas nak rply, penat, i am busy cant u see? im outside enjoying life that i should have" - all of these kind of answers without buat diorang terasa or mad at me. i know u people care, but for now, gimme some space to breathe. let me have sometime for myself. ya know, i have been working 26 days non stop and only had my break on merdaka and the day after before i start working 9 am - 10 pm including weekend.



II.

i am currently texting this one girl. but the only thing that i've said in our texts is mainly - goodnight wishes, morning, daily routine shits and i dont think that we established anything or any conversation till she said it herself (omg malunya), or barely talk about things. i want to get to know her but i think i am just bothering her and stuffs. shit. i am a boring person. i am a robot. with all of these code of conducts, protocols, timing and shit i dont think im gonna last like this. i lack confidence. i would love to ask more and get to know her deeper. im hoping for nothing but i really really want to get to know her. but im afraid that she has the wrong idea about me already. haih.

partly bcos im no longer fun. partly bcos i only text her when only i had my free time, partly bcos of the timezone differences and the way this conversation is virtually done, so theres not much i can do. HAIH LAH. and i dont know what to say asdkjasdlkasdhasd help me on this one. man i suck



III.

i feel a bit betrayed and disappointed with people. i mean, how could u judge me based on a public twitter account where i appointed some people to take care of the account. after all we been thru and after all of those things were said and done, suddenly we're not friends anymore? am i not worthy enough to be ur friend? do u have to judge me based on one twitter account after all of those things that i've done, we've done all these years? cmon man u've hurt me. u've hurt my feelings. i didnt do any of that to u. we cudda've talk like adult would. i cudda've retaliate the same way u did to me but i didnt because i dont want to hurt anybody's feeling over stupid matter. people with different views, hobbies, preferences boleh co-exist kot. but whe we choose to build up those walls for a reason seems so small? does it worth the hate?

bukan nak cakap diri sendiri best, bukan nak bangga siri ke apa. but selagi ada daya, selagi aku mampu, selagi boleh, i will be there for u. eventho i already know, mostly they wont be there when i needed them the most, i still want to be there for u. call me stupid call me dumb. but i am not that kind of ass when it comes to the term loyal, companion, and shit. i always put others before myself. always did, always do never failed to do so. tell me something, where am i when u needed me the most that time. and ask urself, where are u when i needed u the most? am i there? i am not? kinda makes me sad that time, but this is not the 1st time this kind of thing happened. people have different ego and different approach, but nevermind, life goes on.

IV.

being an adult sucks. responsibility sucks. living life sucks.