letters to madame mademoiselle

im sorry that i cant be there for you whenever you want me to

- little that you know about my work and its job scope. i need to be here and there because of my work

im sorry that i have to spend most of my weekend and time working.

-  again, if you want to ask me out, or spend my time with you, please do so earlier. so i can manage my work timetable and find replacement just so we could find the time for it. everytime i wanted to tell you about what im doing until im this busy, we end up talking about you and your things. so i lose interest everytime, and only god knows how much i want to tell you about it..you wont never ask me about it..

im sorry that i have to ask you for some space and time for the time being

- little that you know that i am currently slowly adapting in to this new life. with my family moving, i need to help my mom to do this, and that. i need to manage my time just so i can talk to u without any other things dragging me down. by now you should know as the eldest son, not being there with my family while they are packing and arranging things and helping them pack, apatah lagi balik sana n help..

some time and space for us to grow is good. so you could understand me and vice versa. and we have to learn how to respect each others - ground rules, space, time and such.

what else?

i know i cant make you stay. i know i cant make you go either. i do want you to stay. but im done being in a relationship that will end up like this. by now you should know that i am not going away. i know you too. if you want to walk away from all of these, you already would. not now. not this. what happen to you? i know what happen to me. 

when i ask for time and space, did i ever leave you? its just, to rply and to give myself to you would take time, but not that long. whenever im free. did i ever leave you hanging? nope. its like the usual, but less me seeing or talking to you. but im there, im here. i always do and i always was. and you act like im leaving you for someone else.

im hurt too. in case you forgot. i suffer from missing you, wanting you too. but i have to go through with it. just go with it. i want to talk to you. i want to see you so bad. but for now, just hold on. bare with me and my imperfections, learn about me. ask me things. not assume things. 

i love you. i want this, but if were going this way, and ifs not too late, let me save us. and if you want to be here, with me. tell me. letting go was never easy, never will be. never will do. and not with you.

im tired of fighting, mentally, emotionally. please stop doing this to me. i cant take it anymore. im about to break. 

about staying

sure, i want you to stay, not to the level where i have to beg, down on my knees, just to make you stay

some rants. the usual(s)

hi. i have settled down in my new house. cuma masih berterabur sbb belom beli katil, almari tilam and whats not. mungkin isnin ni? bila cuti nanti. and yeah. loving it here. tenang, tak bising, takde kete lalu lalang.

ok im here not to write about this shit. im here to talk about x-men : apocalypse!

hah guess what, i watched the movie last night. few hours earlier than the release date! and overall the movie is quite ok. better than x-men 1st class and x-men days of future past.

cuma ni la sikit nak rant pasal watak apocalypse. he's like a god. with the ability to survive and switch body, simply put, he can live forever. but purpose dia as a villain is very weak. he desires to enslave humans instead of wiping them all out.

little that he knows that human are the source of the problem. why destroy the world and rebuilt just to turn them into slaves who worship you while u can destroy everything into nothingness because existence has no meaning? you are the strongest yet you seek help? what for? every villain shud take note, to conquer the world ni dah jadi side mission dari true mission which is to destroy everything.

watch ultron, watch joker. apa similarities dia? they dont want money, they dont want revenge, they dont want people to see them as gods ke apa, all they want is simply destruction because they know :

1. human doesnt deserve to live.
2. existence is nothing if you are above all.
3. you are the ultimate being and yet you seek approval from the weaklings for what? their lives is at your mercy????

heck if i do have powers just like him. hahahah i think im gonna be afraid of my villain self. i might wage war upon other planets and maybe destroy the whole universe too. getting earth blown up is just the beginning. i have the power do change the world, why i should spare you, you and you? i do not need others but myself. the power to create, the power to destroy, i had it all.

ok habis part apocalypse yg lemah lagi menjijikkan mata. lets talk about the post-credit scene. theres some guy from some company taking vials of wolverine's blood (weapon x) and that dude is from essex company *cough, spoilers, cough, mister sinister, or perhaps the wolverine next movie*

thats all. sebenarnya aku kena siapkan few artikel untuk tenagamudaxtwtdota tapi havent start. mah gad. malasnya ~_~

ja!

sup may?

I

hi. it seems that i have return from my 2 weeks not so holiday. dan hari ini saya akan berpindah rumah ke rumah baru. simply put, i've lost 2 bikes, had enuf with my current housemates (they are ok cuma certain things je aku cam takleh nak tolerate nemore) and yeah, sedang slow2 settling down. barely catching up with things and paling penting is didnt really give myself a chance to breathe. 

last week were harsh. settle insurance motor, pegi naik turun naik balai becos they didnt stamp on my police report, so insurance suruh pegi balik n minta cop, 3 kali datang, malam tak buka la public off la. i mean, come on, dalam tu mesti la ada acting officer yg akan type report kalau org nak datang report polis kalau ada kes ke apa, and tak centralize lansung system. kat jb itu hari aku try la nak pegi cop pon takleh gak. apa entah susahnya cop pengesahan but thats ok. benda yg senang di susahkan. aku faham je protokol, tapi cmon, cop pengesahan, tak perlu sain. and other branch pon sepatutnya boleh tgk report tu by system. sudah la. dah settle dah pun. now we have to waitlah for the insurance company buat claim. and motor baru akan keluar lepas dapat insurance tu.

secondly, the trip to langkawi is ok until my mom tertinggal barang2 because dia berebut2 n terkejar2 apa tak tahu. was angry with her tapi tak sampai hati pula. tak tahu lah kenapa dia bergitu terkejar2 dan beriya2 awal2 pagi. sepatutnya kena chill bcos semua mmg according to plan. rugi dah mcm2 itu ini. takpelah kot takde rezeki. nak buat mcm mana.

 me and my mommeh

 kami stay di malibest resort. mmg just nice, depan2 tu dah laut, and center jugalah nak kemana2 turun bawah je 

 lepak di rooftop nexus tunggu sunset sambil tgk pantai cenang 360. new experience.

II.

tak tahu ke tak i should or should not talk about this, tapi entahlah i think i should. honestly, if u ask me, i would like to quit from twt_dota like, for good. i know i have been trying, and trying but somehow i cant. and now that we're getting this and that, which i cant reveal yet, theres one thing that i am afraid. people are not working or take this seriously. i am not sure either its me who overthink, or its not this serious. but yeah, everytime ada benda baru, "these" people akan semangat gila babi, meeting n such, and when it happens, "these" people are no where to be found. all im saying is, wheres the commitment. 

i feel sorry for those who have to cover/stand in for them. i know ini semua keje free based on minat n such, but people needed to be thanked, and di hargai. bukan dah habis tinggal. and that is the reason why people leave half way. to have an idea, is easy. to make it work and run it, thats another thing. takat ni aku masih nak amik responsibility lagi. and one more thing aku tak pandai nak cakap elok2, or subtly, sebenarnya, kalau nak ikutkan, takpayah pun aku nak sibuk2 pening memikir ke apa, boleh je tinggal, just aku bukan orang mcm tu. i've started this, and i think i should end this. bila takde apa, semua dah bersepah2 buat itu buat ini fokus dgn keje n so. well, me too. i do have a day job and still have to think about all of these. but u guys pun kenalah betul2 komited. if tak boleh komit or tak boleh elak hal yg u know will happen either u like it or not, or tak boleh sacrifice tido ke game lain ke apa, dont agree. simply put, our organization is not organized and dont think we cud pull this off, with this kind of attitude. kita pun buat suka2.

III.

i have this lady friend. who were always find herself in trouble. and everytime when shes innit, she will look for you. dont know and dont care for whatever reason, to her, everything you said were just plain evil. to destroy her. to bring her down. and yet, shes there, looking for you. and guess what? it was all about her. all the time. her life. her work. her things. her this. her that. and yet i didnt complaint any. tak kira la bila-bila pun, apa-apa pun, mesti about her. it was never about me. including bila motor aku hilang last 2 week, and aku dekat balai tgh buat report. sikit pun aku tak cakap dgn dia pasal tu and dia still sibuk2 nak tanya and complain itu ini. and we somehow get into a serious fight, despite aku lansung taknak pun bertekak dgn dia. aku rasa aku dah habis tolerance dah. and done dgn semua ni. till day one, im with her. and bila aku cakap something and dia rasa dia tak gemar, dia pilih tuk memusuhi aku. sigh.

satu - aku tak rasa aku boleh let everything go. tell things she didnt want to hear. bcos dia bukan jenis boleh hadap realiti punya orang. bagi dia, semua sugar coat. bagi dia, masih ada peluang dalam dunia ni. i dont want to take away that belief from her. biarlah dia rasa sendiri. 

dua - nampak je aku kasar n such, tapi dalam lembut. tak sampai hati nak buat kawan, jadi lawan.

tiga - she got to stop thinking that the world revolves around her. and she got to get her mind straight. stop lah cari attention dgn nak complain about things everytime. kita dah besar kot. mmg la bermasalah sebab kita dah mula galas tanggungjawab yg sama ada kita suka, atau tak suka. mend your own shit. live with it. not everything is about you or to against you. 

i did lose a friend yg perangai dia lebih kurang sama dgn minah ni. benda simple je. dia tak suka dgn orang yg aku berkawan di internet, so dia choose untuk bencikan aku dan bermusuhkan aku atas sebab simple. and mamat ni mmg ada masalah bipolar ke anger issues (dia fikir aku punya isu letak kat mana? dalam kocek je ke?)

dia take benda social media ni seriusly. aku benci gak few people tapi takde la sampai hari2 nak menganjing, sampai nak benci kawan2 bcos kita ada different opinion from each other. bukan sekali la dia buat hal, last time pun sama, tapi aku buat rilex lagi. but not this time. aku rasa aku tgk muka pon dah meluat. kalau kau tak suka orang, tak suka baca apa orang tweet, ke post status ke, block, mute or buat tak endah, bukan bitch about it mcm takde esok, bukan tak bagi bitch around, bagi je. tapi rilex2 la

biasalah. anak orang kaya. kawan dgn orang2 yg sama level dgn dia, or takde kawan lansung. kawan2 dia sekarang pun kawan aku. tak tahu malu. kalau nak lepak, sikit2 mesti tempat dia. nak datang tempat kita jauh sekali. zaman susah, sapa tolong? dia mana ingat benda tu. time dia down ke apa benda, sapa tolong? dia tak ingat. dia ingat perkara yg dia benci pasal kita.

IV.

lepas dah siap pindah, dah settle down apa semua. aku rasa aku nak start fokus dgn career dan kehidupan. maybe less bersosial dgn orang unless needed to do so. penat sebenarnya. terkejar2 ke sana ke sini. penat dok please orang tapi in the end, kita sendiri tak dihargai. what for? all these time aku rasa aku mcm gunung berapi yg tunggu timing je nak meletop. which is, dangerous to everybody around me. i might snap or lose it, and taknaklah kot meletus sampai orang sekeliling kena. which is bad, kalau it happens. so i would like to keep the distance btw kawan2 for a timed period, and bila aku rasa dah stable n nak jumpa orang. i will do so.