taking back control

day 50+

theres like a lot of things on my plate right now. i have completely lost my mojo. i am unorganized, purpose-less, i dont even know what day or time it is, and pretty much knowing that i am alive when i open up my eyes.

and those dreams (perhaps in the next coming post, drafted already)

to this date i think it is safe to assume that i havent gotten any night sleep normally since the day mco started. i have nothing more that i can use to help myself get up at this point. those happy pill wasnt really helpful in long terms. it gave me the boosts that i need but thats it. i cant get that breakthrough anymore. being so lost so out of place, almost no more willpower to endure this any longer.

you no longer feel like giving up, bcos theres nothing left to give up on. like being sucked into one of those void. timeless, endless. its dark down here. on my own.

"lets not talk to each another anymore"
"You will deal w/ whatever demon you're dealing rn and i dnt wnt any part of it"

she said.

i always knew that i will never be enough. but no worries. even im tired of being me too. i didnt respond back because we both know that i have to let you go. you were right. i am self sabotaging. i am addicted to it. you was never wrong, and how fool of me thinking that i could prove you wrong. i wasnt trying tbh.

surviving thru pandemic, at home, with no timeline to work with due to the nature of my work, is hard. i did everything that i could in my might to stay sane. imagine if i did engage with (im sorry i have no other way of saying this) your provocations. my ego, against your stubbornness. theres no end to that. sorry that i got boring. i did everything.

last night official email came in. look like im gonna get back to work on the 14th. thats a start. few days left to pickup whatever left in me, to get back into the routine. once i get my tempo, i can start fixing other things. something must be done.

get some sleep, rehydrate, rejuvenate. get back that zen mode.

these are the words that i wanted to say last time, but i didnt have the chance to.

"you are wonderful. from day one, until now"
"im sorry i cant keep the other half of my bargain, i tried my best, and i've tried everything but not trying to understand your needs or by lowering my ego"

trying to go thru this pandemic on my own, is what killing me inside. but like i said before, my feelings arent important or worth mentioning.


p/s : i havent sleep yet, about to. lets just reset this for the last time.

goodnight.