"loss-time"

i dont know where have i been for the last 2 months. feels like someone else is living my life as me, as i watch myself going thru its routine. trapped inside following orders. and i only realized that in the last week.

the struggle is real. trying to break the routine cycle is exhausting. but at some point i know i had to break it bcos it is swallowing me whole. i was under pressure due to work. not to mention overworked. 19 days before i had my 1st off day. my stress level - indigestion problem. i had it checked last week. it aint pretty. i have to undergo minor surgery to fix my stomach valve, bcos the valve cant no longer function properly by closing so the acid from yer stomach cant reach yer esophagus resulting - constant heartburn and bitter taste. yadda yadda yadda - gassy stomach, indigestion "perut tak sedap badan". gaviscon is my best friend. 2 sudu pagi, 2 sudu malam. makan on time was the biggest challenge. i had my routine fix when i was in lombok, but right after lombok, the cycle restarts. currently trying to eat on time. will try my best.

i think i let hatred and anger a little too much of control. i hate people around me. i hate everyone around me. supposedly you keep that anger and hatred at its finest - where it would help you go thru your days, and when the hatred and anger is too strong, you'll get burned down along with it. its more than you can handle. i should keep on focusing myself. no matter how pissed i am, no matter how tired, get up. for me to last this long, i think i am one strong bad-ass motherfucker. i dont suffer from demotivation, or let alone depression. just, loneliness. something i gotta live with, by choosing this kind of life.

i choose this. i know the consequences. but at times its just overwhelming. something that i have been taught with. to get something, one must be willing to sacrifice something, in return. i guess its all coming back to me now.

helo, twendyeiteen

yardikno wuts up.

yeap u heard me. holiday's ended. means we gotta pack all of our shit up, and suck it cus its time to be a functioning, depressing adults with god knows what kind of demon we keep inside. i only worked 15 days on dec and the rest is history.

oh ye. i opened up a studio. esports studio, to be precise. remember when i said "one way, i would like to open up my own broadcast studio" and yeah it happen. not really a studio but yeah it kinda feel like studio. we kicked it off with ESL Genting quals and had quite a good run despite some technical issues (copy right, broadcasting privileges) and the real work begin like right now. gotta lobby the ESL Genting in 23 days, and whatever happen, happens. no ragrets. for the time being, its named TD studios, TD - twtdota and would probably rename it to Supercede or something.

here comes of the studio pics :

nice eh? cost a lot. hopefully after this coming ESL, sponsorship will come. and that would help a lot for progress.

and the rest is what i have been doing during december :

went to pd with the boys. kinda need the vitamin sea treatment. was last minute and i only get to chill at glory beach instead of langkawi and shit. probably the last trip with doto boys since they were all not up to it and it took very last minute to handle things. ha! i book the apartment at agoda, and it were not as advertised. supposedly i booked 1 apartment with 3 rooms and free breakfast, but what i got is apartment with 2 rooms, no breakfast and i cant even get additional bed because the aparement is belong to someone. not tied with the hotel. i was like wth? kinda pissed. and this place sucks. not like it were used to be 3-4 years ago.



tufah's, ferd's and syed's wedding:

me & falah at tufah's wedding in shalam.

the boys in BP.  familiar faces right?

ferd's wedding. KCR member. dalam ramai2 ni je datang 

geng manjong turun wedding syed. 

look like everybody's getting married. kinda feel the pressure but i dont think i am ready for it. financially, mentally. i find myself kinda used of being single. sure i do felt lonely at sometimes, but its been a while since i see anyone on regular basis. to have a partner is kinda nice. even better, a lover. but at the same time i am not looking for one. i dont know how to say this, but simply put, i would like to try again. because to have someone to share things with is kinda special. wonderful. and awesome. 

cringe. cringe af. 

neway, happy new year and theres a lot to look forward to. and room for improvements. may everybody become wiser, healthier and have prosperous 2018 ahead. 

december. again

um..hi.  

i am still breathing. dont worry. if any of you wonder. i know i have been missing for quite sometimes. and its not because of i didnt have time to come here to tell stories or i have been busy or whats not. 

its just i have been struggling with some issues. like losing focus. demotivated. uninspired. like im losing my mojo. the constant changes around me makes me feel like that. it seems like i cant catch up with the changes and i simply let myself lost somewhere..or in between. 

i am the opposite of my own self right now. i feel stuck somewhere between my own mind and will. waking up isnt as easy as it should. my routine and discipline deteriorated. i always find an excuse for not going into the office as i am avoiding responsibilities. i feel tired all the time. going home after lunch were my routine. and i sleep a lot. its the same with everything, not only work.

been avoiding, ignoring people. buat apa layan, like they gonna offer me help anyway. menambah masalah adalah. always need to help them with this and that. bagi lagi semak kepala. currently trying to break the cycle bcos its getting worst. bos pun dah tegur awat asik tak masuk office. selalu orang tak kesah sangat aku masuk ke tak but somehow they do and probably tgh effek performance. hari2 adalah struggle. celik mata, rasa mcm tak worthy lansung bangun pagi and do stuffs. for people. even for my ownself. lacking the motivation to keep on going, nobody to fight for. 

definitely bukan vibe hujung tahun. feels like the my own demon is catching up with me. to swallow me whole. and theres nothing i can do to stop it from happening. 

helo.

hi. its been a while isnt it?

i have been busy for the past 2 months. a lot happen. good ones. some are bad too. but thats fine isnt it?

(actually i suck at dota for now bcs i havent played any for at least 2 months, and overwatch is down for maintainence and i got spare 20 mins, to write shit down here so this site and all of its dream wont die, and i have no one to text to "insert some sad meme over here")

but i didnt lie about a lot of things happen, i just curi as many time as i can to juggle between work and having fun. i just cant spare some here, so i would have things to say here.

ok to sum it up, like really short :

career wise : i just got upgraded and found myself in my version of "game of thrones" theres alot of bad guys out there who wants me out, and i desperately need a mentor. who can teach me how to get things in order without being an ass or sendiri makan hati.

and i havent get the chance to cuti rehat betul2 since the last long weekend raya haji. my body is getting weak and tak boleh dah keje direct like i used to..last week was...tiring...but at the same time rewarding. work, sukan company, work again. no effin break in the between.


love life : didnt go as planned, after anis got her answers and she told me that she doesnt know what to do with the information. and i said, we cud be friends, if shes ok with it. no terms, no nothing. but i think, anis is one of the best fling i had all these years. kind, gentle at heart. 100% wud do it all over again *sfx* do it again  - pia mia


and the rest, vids down here.
yardi kno whats goin on he he.

HAH!

ok enuf, enuf. theres nothing happening yes. but then, i wanted to share things, maybe datang dengan gambar berserta sepotong dua ayat.

did some modification to megan, theres no more undertail/mudguard. took it out, and replace with some fancy signal and horizontal plate number. cey. oh ya dah repair juga the tank yg bocor haritu. yay

went to kelantan for fit tm 2017 competing in..traditional sports, carrom. haha. lost the game, but enjoy my time being here. like i always said, my culture is kelantan, my hometown is johor. 

kepelbagaian nasi ketika waktu sarapan di kelantan. dari kiri, pulut panggang, nasi tumpang, nasi air dingin, nasi kerabu. oh ya, lokasi di kopitiam kita, kota bahru. kelantan sekarang dah ada grab car, sangatlah mudah bergerak kemana2 dan pastikan anda balik awal waktu malam untuk mengelakkan kekurangan grab. sini quite peaceful, awal dah sunyi.

(tiada dalam gambar, roti titab, teh tarik madu, sup ikan sg er apa tah nama dia)

singgah ke pasar cik siti khadijah. mak kirim rempah kari, kurma dgn kuzi. senang cerita, kalau datang kelantan tak singgah sini bawa balik rempah kepok serunding, rugi beb. kelantan is all about food. penang? ok la but not as delicate as kelantan food. 

team taman desa during our family day @ afamosa melaka. enjoyed the night. lose the performance that night, but obviously, won their hearts. now they know i can sing, and its always me now who sings at events. sigh.

haaa. this. see that crack at megan's tank. some arab kids somehow/accidentally toy around with local buggy, and someow landed and hits megan and she fell. breaks my heart.

side mirror too. renyah nak repair. the spare parts comes one by one, part by part. and i have to wait almost 1 month to fix and restore megan to its original state. was pissed but then considering the kid's father paying for the damage is ok la. makes me hate kids more than ever. i already hate em for being a menace at the dining table. and now this.

wow, finally. an update from me. 

but expect more updates from me. cos right now, as in today, 11/10/17, i manage to somehow sort things that have been going on. slowly adjusting myself and would have some free time too, to come here and write my stories as usual. okay, i think im gonna go to bed. and tgk la kalau rajin, 1 week 1 update.

ja!

penaaaaat

today suck. not because i have to work on weekends, or not being able to enjoy my weekend but i think i've reached my limit. i sleep around 4 am yesterday only to wake up 3 hours later to go to work. usually adalah rasa ngantuk penat apa semua tu, normal la. tapi harini boleh rasa dia punya penat. kepala berat. badan takmau dengar arahan. tapi paksakan jugak bangun mandi pastu ride pegi keje. dah la spec patah haritu sobs. pastu sekarang naik motor mcm orang buta sebab silau nak mampus. sampai2 je event, tak boleh nak fokus orang cakap apa. mcm bingit sangat lepas tu dah tak daya dah nak layan, aku ha ye kan je semua benda. dalam sejam lepas tu baru la dapat duduk pastu makan semua. terasa dia punya penat (tua) sampai to the bones.

sejak buat dua kerja ni, lepas balik keje je tido, which is totally not ok dgn tak sihat. tidolah dari 630 tu kadang lajak sampai kul 9. ikutkan nak nap je, tapi dah baring apa benda semua. hari-hari mcm ni for the past 3 weeks. i tried not to sleep or rest, ternyata lebih buruk padahnya. pukul 9 ke pukul 10 dah rasa mcm nak mampus?? lepas tu cam taknak la tido awal sangat nanti celik awal pun masalah kan. so drag la sampai pukul 1 camtu. dah penat sangat, tak boleh tido. so i toss and turn lah on the bed until 3 or 4 camtu.

disiplin makan pun tak jaga. makan tak makan. tak ikut time. berterabur kehidupan aku. pastu stress build up lagi. bahu sangat stiffs. indigestion. otot sakit sbb tense sangat. popped one atarax just to relieve my stiff shoulders and esoknya regret sbb mood swing and tak habis2 rasa sloppy dia.

i havent had any break (proper ones) where i sleep and have a quality me time. dapatlah sehari off hari rabu tu but haritulah nak pegi bayar bill, haritu lah jugak nak pegi jumpa orang, haritu jugak nak ini itu lepas tu membawa sampai ke malam ada meeting untuk event twt_dota pula. thank god everything is pretty much settled - venue, activities blah blah blah, tinggal nak up poster dengan siapkan printing baju tuk di jual that day. i have lost count dah berapa kali kata nak retire from all of these thingy and still, here i am..doing stuffs.

and i feel people around me is kinda dragging me down. and if i could lose all of these excessive baggage coming out from these people, i would feel a lot and so much better. i can do better. i can be better.