trying to put up with everything.

the first 3 weeks is ok. dont worry, i am ready for anything right now and will not feel a thing

howdy

i think i sorted out my life and daily issues, but...

nah. i think i am tired working my ass off day and night. i lack sleep, i eat crappy food, and i didnt have proper human-interaction-conversation.

it feels a bit different lately. everything, is boring to me. but not smoking pots. i guess for now the only thing that cheers me up is smoking pots.

day 1 - KUL - HLR

installed blog/blogger apps so i can continue writing my journey on mobile phone since i havent get myself a new journal since the old one wont do much in this 8 days.

334 am.

i think this is going to be a scheduled post. im currently at the local starbucks at the airport. waiting for my flight with my mom. were going away for a while.

heal.
what heal? what to heal? whos hurt? whats hurting him? does people whos going thru breakup really need the vacations/getaways? to take things off his/her mind?

i just cameback from mini holiday in langkawi n some place. nothing. no changes happen. i still feel empty, void. dysfunctional. here. *points out heart*

empty laughs, empty thoughts, empty smiles, faked happiness.

idk. yeah i think i got it all figured out. but i was wrong. i wasnt aware that our relationship is deteriorating.

and ur seeing someone else behind my back ur schoolmate crush. i could do the same with all the attention im getting. i could do the same. every time when i want to talk to ya, u gotta do this, u gotta do that. i am fully aware that ur busy. but...

ah let it go. doesnt matter pun. my fundamentals and understanding "love" is far greater from urs. u dont know whats its like when u love somebody and not getting back the love that u gave. or being left in the middle of it.

because, u dont know. u dont have any idea.

i dont know how to put this. or even my feelings right now. devastated? tell me. i've been thru a lot worst than this. how about breaking up a day before graduating? how about quitting ur last semester of ur studies and start all over again without nobody knows why?

im sick and twisted, im broken, and u cant fix it.

but one thing i learned in this process.

im moving on.

and i am hard to be pleased.

happy

idk why i am so happy right now. maybe its because this weekend. a gateaway. from everything. i look forward to it. langkawi. and lake tahoe, and milan.

god.

adventure.

awak

awak. i know, u have been waiting for me. but lets not do this for the time being. dont ask. it is not the time for u to ask.

i am sorry maryam. i am sorry.

not right now..i need more than time