endscape: April 2012

fallen

i saw an angel today,
and she's not flying like she used to do.

she helplessly fall,
in between clouds she falls,

i could see her face.
it was full covered in tears.

i just stood there,
realizing i am a mortal.

i knock on the windows and doors,
looking for an answer.

and yet she still falls.
and i hope i could catch her.

when she falls.

andrew belle's - the ladder

food for the heart. a glue to pieces of heart. trust me. things worth to listen

post 845

#np - andrew belle's make it without u.

i've been thru a bad week, obviously. i am still sick. diagnosed with a mild pneumonia. thats not really a good news that i want to hear from a doctor. yes my breathing is troubled, literally, its kinda "heavy-feeling" when ur taking a breath, because ur lungs is having more than enough moisture for it to absorb oxygen. i've still got sore throat, still coughing and having a mild fever overtime. but not like last thursday, cant take it no more. i fall. hit rock bottom hard.

oh and please dont worry about me. i'll find a way to cure myself. after all these days, i am the only one who could really tell what i want, what i need to make myself better.

#np - keris patih's mengenangmu

KCR won todays tourney in UPM, succeeding in getting the 1st place, congratulations. and i cant be there, i went for #twtupdarahCP 2.0 in sime darby medical centre to donate some blood. unfortunately i am sick, so i was banned from donating blood. sad. but attending and cheering up the people is more than enough. good job #celakaparty for those charities events u guys organized.

guess i really need to start to care about my health. i shud get a raincoat, wear hats, bring mineral water to work, wear jackets if i need to travel at night, wear mask during a ride. u'll never know what kind of bacteria or virus will invade ur immune system and attack u at the right spot.

well, until then. this is it for today. i'll try la. i'll try to less up my activities, get enough sleep, less ice in drinks, less oil, more stairs and more sports.

and thank you god for letting me having these sets of friends, without em, my world, wud be very dull. i dont know what i'll do with this life without em.

#TwtupDarahCP2.0

the abolishment of PTPTN

the abolishment of PTPTN. for the love of god, this is really stupid. malas nak argue. benda ni topik bodoh.
apa yg aku nak state kat sini is very clear. most of us, including myself, dapat duit loan study, beli apa sebenarnya? berapa orang yg betul2 buat bayar yuran? kalau uitm setakat yuran 700, dapat 3500 tuk full loan apalah sangat? makan kat seksen 2 berapa lah sangat bayarnya? nasik lemak jati? tak ke murah kos hidup tu?

kalau yg jenis masuk IPTS, amik contoh uniten, full loan 8500, yuran 6 ribu tuk 17 credit hours, nak duduk dalam another 800, dah tu makan lagi dia nak makan apa? pasir? usah jadi bodoh. PTPTN ada 3 jenis pinjaman kot, sebahagian, suku, penuh. ada je kawan aku yg kaya raya pinjam PTPTN, kata dia ayah dia provide tak cukup, so dia nak guna duit lebih tu tuk buat itu ini which i dont really know and give a fuck.

and ada juga kawan aku yang susah, yang aku betul2 nampak flow duit PTPTN tu dia guna camne, bayar yuran, beli makan. mmg 100% guna tuk survival kat uni, dia memahami keperitan hidup. dia tak mintak pun duit dari mak ayah dia lepas dapat PTPTN.

ada jugak kawan aku yg susah, dapat PTPTN joli katak, tak hengat dunia. ini lumrah. benda biasa. duit > lupa diri. tau tak ada yg mampus2 belajar nak dapat scholar? tau tak ada yg gila babi compete tuk dapat free education? tau tak tak adil bila kau mintak benda loan mcm ni lupus sedangkan orang lain usaha gila babi nak dapat scholar?

kau tau erti penat lelah belajar? tak tau? erti joli katak tau? kelakar. dasar minda melayu. do u know that 90% of parents overseas saving for their children to advance in college? do u know that fact? do our parents do the same? i think its only a few percent is. banganng betei berdemo semata2 nakkan HUTANG PTPTN and PTPTN lupus. kebodohan tahap tertinggi dalam seorang melayu.

free education relavant bila masih di tahap sekolah rendah dan menengah sbb kos dan infrastruktur tak se-kompleks higher education. tapi bila mintak free education tuk higher level ni macam tak masuk akal. nak bagi lu tempat tinggal, nak bagi lu makan, nak bagi lu lab berkomputer 5 star, nak provide lu punya transport tuk ke kelas, nak bayar gaji lecturer. alamak tak payah la jadi bangang mcm adam adli. pandai pinjam pandai bayar. kau dah di suruh baca kontrak tu berkali2 kot. siap suruh bawak balik mintak mak abah baca, siap bagi ic, sign, slip gaji. kau tak rasa loan tu benda yg serius ke sampai mcm tu sekali dia nak?

jadi belia berotak. bukan jadi belia yang graduan uni tak berotak. perjuangan kena relavant. jgn perjuang benda yg orang lain juangkan tapi kau tak tau apa2.

p/s : kalau voucher buku 1 malayu tu kau dah seleweng dok beli komik, apa lagi 3500????? main pelacor tahap escort ke? siapa tahu? ke jadi black berry? menyundal sana sini?

after 23 games.

13 win and 10 lose. that is my stats now in dota 2. i think i shud share what did i learn and experience in dota 2. for future reference.

the pro & cons of dota 2.

dota 2 is a much real than dota 1. the animation. the timing, the physics, if u just a dota player and didnt play other games, u wont probably understand about that physics of the game. for example, try far cry 1 and 2. if ur walking and hit urself with some wooden block or tripped on a stone u would probably fall. the same with dota 2, u'll get bounced a bit if ur going thru some creeps and when ur stepping in the river, its kinda slow, the animation only, but not affecting ur original MS.

every clicks u made affects u, wasting clicks in dota 1 doesnt seems giving u much trouble, but in dota 2, wasting clicks equals wasting moves. thus, my method to last hit in dota 1, seems like not to suits dota 2 last hitting method which involved pressing "S" to stop hitting. a very big disadvantage to me. i can only use "S" when using skills or movements, but not farming.

and the the items, the shop is okay, but the right click to buy items really gives me problem. everytime im getting item, i need to right click on it, and the courier system also is trouble some. in dota 1, just select all and press "A" to collect, press "D" to get it all back. in dota 2, the chick need to grab all, and then press "T" to transfer and "R" to speed burst, its kinda troublesome.

and the map is also troublesome for me. because it is too real, u can see stairs which gives u the perspective of land elevation, which means u dont want to miss any attacks when ur in lower ground right?

fog of war also determines ur sensitivity, u need LED screen to get the perspective for the fog of war, if u really get by what i mean. the colors of the fog, blends in ur lighting environment. senang kata kalau kau main dalam lampu bilik, kau rasa fog of war tu silau, tak berapa nak clear. lagi pun lepas 23 games, aku masih tak biasa lagi dgn selok belok hutan, eventho design sama, tapi physics game tu lain. thus mmg tak biasa.

this is all for now which i can list down. for a person who did dota 1 since the age of Judgement Day early in 2004, i think to adept in dota 2 is quite hard. u need to train back from step one. some people tau cakap je, "eh senang je aku last hit, ok je aku main" <---- ini ayat poyo nak mampus. aku main dah lama tak biasa, kau sesenang je cakap kau ok. tapi main cam haram gak.

mohon jangan terasa.
LEULZ.

rebel days

lately i've been pretty occupied with a lot of workload. surges of stresses, a little bit of a mild fever, fatigue and everything else. realising that this situation is squeezing me out of place, taking me to the very edge of a breaking point, before i snap, i must find a solution to this.

and suddenly when i was at the youtube, i came across this acoustical guitar of a great song during my age of rebels, switchfoot -24. this song is about failures, about this world, about everything, almost. and it took quite a relief inside of me. listening to these kinds of music.

lets take of to the early years of 2002. i was in form 3, dad used to scold me for nothing. i am quite stressed that time. he even took my game boy away, lock me away from freedom. but that time i learn about radio. haha lame. layan radio bila umur 15. that time i dont know the existence of ERA, or whatever radio that time. all i know is this song which i listens to yahoo music, good charlotte - predictable. and i was tuning in that song one time, after that, another song which belongs to the same genre, over and over again. and i was like, whoa great music at time like this. and it was radio 4, by RTM.

it was great, the dj that time i forgot lah what is his name, he is an indian DJ, loves liverpool so much that time. he is very cool, providing live football matches updates everyminutes, and keep playing great music.good charlotte - lifestyle of the rich and famous, predictable, etc2, blink 182 - i miss u, the adams song, greenday, oasis, radiohead, audioslave, simple plan, billy talent, switchfoot, 30 sec to mars, 3 doors down, 3 days grace, lifehouse, sum 41, silverchair, the used, linkin park, limp bizkit, SOAD, ryan cabrera, jesse mccartney. man. its too much to mention the names here.

in 2005, i get my 1st mp3 and started to gaming professionally, and that is the reason why i stop listening to the radio, and most of the song i can get it from the internet. and i started the diploma in puncak alam. voila. and i dont know what happen to radio 4/traxx.fm

what a very nostalgic moment. i grew up with these memories. i wonder what does today kids have as their memorable moment.

lemme guess, niki "fucking" minaj? one "fucking" gay direction? justin "asshole" bieber? camel dung soaked in her own mother urine rihanna? lady "whore" gaga?

such rubbish.

back then.

used to text about whats gonna happen tmr. not realizing that the time is around 3. sleep around 2 hours. get up. rise and shine. put up some perfume. got lucky? u'll get a ride. unlucky? u'll have to wait 1 hour for the bus. and the ride is about 40 mins. and take another bus, and the ride will be another 40 minutes. arrive at the center, wait for her. or wait her at times square. a movie or two. a well done dinner. a ride back on a monorail.
the departure. the text. another long wait for the double bus. the pause. the text. and read the card for the day.
a kiss goodnight.

henti

howdy, 345 am. cant sleep. perhaps daging2, nasik, mee, sirap selasih, bebola ketam ikan ayam sotong ntah hape benda tadi yg aku makan kat q-thai masih belum habis di cerna. untuk sebab yang tidak berapa nak jelas, saya seperti tidak boleh hentikan diri.

hentikan diri dari apa? itu biar saya sendiri simpan. susah nak berhenti dari membuat perkara yang menentang norma kita sendiri. sedar tak sedar, dari perbuatan mudah, menjadi tabiat, dari tabiat, menjadi norma. sehari tak buat, tak boleh. sebenarnya, bukan mati tapi tu lah, mendatangkan keburukkan.

sebenarnya dah banyak menyakitkan orang dengan norma ini. sebenarnya kenapa saya gunakan perkataan norma ni? well background edu saya, saya adalah budak meskom. fine meskom. saya belajar benda2 ini, tiba2 teringat pada perkataan norma ini. sesuatu yang dah di biasakan. dan menjadi amalan hidup.

dah berapa kali dah cuba stop diri dari berbuat sedemikian, tapi tak berjaya. sekarang jalan terakhir adalah untuk memencilkan diri. teknik ni belum cuba. tapi rasanya sekarang, umur dah senja ni, rasa nak cuba. ah persetankan. aku tak banyak masa lagi. saki baki yang ada ini, sebolehnya nak guna untuk bakti. cukup suku abad aku hidup ni dengan merosak diri sendiri dan merosakkan orang lain.

nay. its not about this and that and her. its about me, realizing i need to do something with this cheap life. i've spend 90% of this life perfecting gaming, trying so hard to make gaming as my career and i've failed. badly. still i do have a decent and good job for now.

"everynight, i keep asking myself the question for the last 4 years, and i keep repeating the same answer, "you". realizing the answer is u, i tried to gather what options do i have left, but i was left with no options, no re-write, no remake, no turning back and "you" holds the key of my question which left un-answered"

what is the point holding a key to happiness, having the world on ur right, having all the wealth that u need on the left, but without somebody to hold it both with?

ask urself.

what took u up to this point of life. do u know what drives u to this life ur living now? do u take any chances? do u risk it all? do u fight with all ur might?

Project 365

i've got nothing to share. lately im just living life. doing my job. a little bit of this and that. and im just going to tell u that i've started on a 1 year project called project 365. and im gonna edit this blog header, and press the link. u'll get to view the photo.

thats all.
goodnight.

something to write/share

its 119 am. and im listening to rob steward's sailing after watching hitch. its like kinda happy but mellow mood. i know i shudda been sleeping by this time, but i think there is a need for me to write, as writing is one of my passion besides dota and bikes.

honestly i've been thinking this lately. what are the odds of me learning and re-do my mistakes when given a chance to do so. i mean, not that silly mistake that i did. not that those silly things. no no trolling flaming n stuffs, not that kind. the one that i've been doing over and over and over again. hurting people u love the most. hurting people who arent supposed to be hurt. hurting that only friend that u have.

have u give a thought about that? well in my case, its a bit personal. or shud i say about the one i love. prior or shud i say earlier from this timeline. long way before i am now.

wait. i need to switch off the lights. before i continuing writing. and i am going to change my music to faith hill, breathe. please. do u tube this while ur reading my pointless rants.

its been 5 years. yeah 5 years since i was like, really2 in love. wait. i shudnt rant about this here, i've shudda rant bout this in vldvydtyd instead. but nevermind. im not going to disclose anything there but to share, what i wanna do and my expectations towards my actions.

i havent been there. so i dont know how. why. how. the feeling. and by the word "there", the best phase to summarize is - is to live the life with ur other half during the universities day, i dont know even she is ur classmate, or coursemate, or not evenboth but studying in the same place or same city as u, and to be able to eat, spend time, to share, to meet without any obstacle, and both of u are on ur own free will, i was never there. i never feel that. all i feel is what i believe texting from the phone. and to this point, i believe, i've lost my youth. im losing my precious youth experience by feeling this distance relationship. and after that, i've tried to have some. eliza, nelly, few more girls. but i've failed. that names that i've mention isnt 1st hand.

what's in common of them is they had this moment where i didnt even had the chance to feel. so i tried my distance game. that time i didnt own any transportation. or even my own money to proceed, so i end up friend-zoning them. which last until today.

ok im done on the 1st part. its 1.47 am. and im listening to nightwish's runaway. and for now. i am not looking for any. i enjoy being a friend, and from that friend i would like to turn it seriously. slowly. and im not looking for a texting type because im working. im a very busy and hectic person. i wont make a text in time. or even enjoying it. i want to pick her up in front of her house. i want to go to some art gallery or festival with her. or to enjoy sculpture and poems. the one who digs books rather than make ups. i want to dine in an exclusive restaurant, one which i spot in kl, a rooftop candle light dinner infront of KWSP building in KL.

i want to cook for her, and we'll all hang out in my house, watching EPL and playing cards, i mean not us, there is a lot of people. movies? we'll do it in my place. DVD's would do. park? in malaysia park is not that nice, further more there will be JAKIM all around, and of course, the blog jilaka betul which someday, somehow will get ur pictures in it. hahaha.

and lastly, is to be able to take her in my bike, to put the helmet on her, and ride to watch sunset at the beach. im tired of distance relationship, im looking for one which i can participate and enjoy. role-playing. actions. words. elements of spontaneous, the elements of improvising.

and i just dont hope or i'll wont find it. it will come to us eventually. sure this thing is really important, but doesnt other thing is just imporatant? and its no the only thing that matters.

i think im being like this because i watched too many films? perhaps? and yeah. i would love to watch movie again with u. just like that last saturday.

leulz what am i saying. LOL.
well, 207 am. goodnight.
happy productive monday for all.