"nobody will escape that the fact they are doing things they hate the most"
bahasa melayunya ;
cakap tak serupa bikin.
bahasa "deep" nya ;
double standard.
conflict and 25.
25, mungkin ada yang akan kata umur ini last. umur ini yang akan menentukan jarak pemisah antara umur remaja dan dewasa. kebanyakkan rakan sebaya yang dalam umur ini semua dah bekerja. rata-rata ada yang dah berkahwin juga.
tapi itu bukan isu. yang di cari bukan isteri, yang di minta bukan duit. tapi kestabilan hidup. itu aku. mungkin ada yang selesa bangun pagi pada hari minggu di temani isteri, bagi mereka yang bujang, mungkin bangun pukul 2 petang, mungkin ada juga yang berkobar-kobar bangun awal pagi semata-mata nak pergi berdating dengan tunang/makwe sendiri.
bangun pagi di hari minggu tanpa ada apa-apa plan tak seronok. bagi mereka yang dah biasa bangun pergi untuk kerja. macam bangun pagi tanpa hala tuju, tanpa ada sesiapa untuk di ucapkan selamat pagi cinta etc, bagi aku pengertian bangun pagi dah takde matlamat.
apa makna hidup kalau semata-mata bangun pagi lepas tu nak wish dalam twitter kemudian tido balik? bangun pagi, makan sarapan tgk kartun lepas tu nak kemas rumah yang dah sedia kala sudah berkemas? kalau tak kerja pun takkan nak pergi opis keje?
malam minggu kebiasaannya akan di spend untuk lepak tgk bola dan isap shisha bersama member2. bagi yang dah berkeluarga, mungkin akan balik kampung untuk makan bersama family, layan cerekarama.
ini baru kita cerita pasal konflik weekend.
dalam umur ni aku banyak berfikir. tentang baik buruk. realiti kehidupan. komunikasi. hubungan dengan kawan-kawan. kestabilan diri. menyesal dengan perbuatan diri sendiri yang lepas-lepas.
tadi pagi aku sarapan, datang bengali tua jual cincin dengan tasbih. sambil menghirup teh o suam, aku berfikir. am i going to be like this when i reach 50? where am i going to live? do i have any kids or wife?
what the hell is this old man do with his youth. mana adik beradik dia?
jarang sebenarnya nak memikir isu2 deep mcm ni selain tgh berak dalam toilet. paling kuat fikir pasal hutang study dulu yang tersengguk2 membayar.
umur macam ni, kata orang-orang tua mcm pakcik n makcik aku enjoy life. duit yg ada tu simpan, kalau nak enjoy tu enjoy la. tapi bagi aku, sebagai orang yang hidup tanpa kekangan dan banyak masalah, apa sebenarnya maksud enjoy?
sampai harini aku masih tak paham dan dapat menyelami pengertian enjoy.
mungkin zaman-zaman lepas enjoy tu makna nya marathon tgk series n main game dari malam sampai subuh sbab habis exam n study.
maybe.
maybe.
and i am gonna get off from my facebook and twitter for a while sekali lagi. im confused.
seasonal gaza-war and freedom fighters.
"gaza is bleeding. it has been like that for years. i do not tweet about them because i am not a seasonal pro-gaza. i am always pro-gaza"
this is something new.
apart from people saying :
"hekeleh takkan baru nak promote #PrayForGaza wey? dari zaman nabi diorang war"
"sharing SAVE GAZA is having no effects unless u guys really do take actions. setakat chant around save gaza n tukar dp takpun promote topic trending SAVE GAZA is useless [di sertakan status iringan acah-acah abang gedang dan minah hot aktif]"
i was like, the fuck?
dont u know that doa adalah selemah-lemah senjata untuk umat islam? nak pergi kesana mmg tak mampu. tak payah cakap nak kesana la bro, cerita kau pernah tak volunteer diri sendiri pegi buat amal jariah join mana2 movement pegi derma darah ke, bersihkan rumah orang tua ke? kau lagi rela baca buku, main gym, main video game, pegi berzina dengan makwe kat mall2, kau ada hati nak cakap mcm ni?
jangan double standard fucktards. yes i am angry. statement kau seolah2 menidakkan wujudnya fungsi doa. ultimately, kau tak percaya usaha manusia. dan kuasa tuhan.
kita bukan umur 18 nak keluar ayat :
"hekeleh kalau askar tu sanggup recruit orang nak pegi ke palestin sana, aku pegi la weh *dabik dada*" - kenapa nak tunggu askar? jalan kaki sendiri tak boleh? macam mamat bosnia pergi haji jalan kaki.
gua kat sini bukan nak preach or acah2 jadi hipster tak pun jadi ustaz yum yummy yummeh. gua kat sini nak nyatakan sesuatu yang nyata. sesuatu yang lu semua tak pernah nak sedar tak pun mmeperkotak-katikan kuasa doa.
tak cukup dengan orang mcm ni, datang lagi group2 yang ban bebarang amerika dgn israel membabi buta. what are u? dude mcdonalds malaysia tu dapat daging lembu dari mana? lesen dari mana? pekerja dia dari mana? takkan semua dari israel? pernah dengar perkataan ORIGINATED or ASSEMBLED tak? kau dah tengok ke belom financial files dia satu persatu? ada masuk bank of israel?
and kalau betul tegar dengan komited nak ban, tak payah seasonal. aku nak tgk kau hidup tanpa intel n mac, or paling mudah, without mcd's, starbucks and dunhill.
duh seriously those mayan people is correct. the end is near. 21/12/2012.
what the hell people is thinking these days? semakin hari semakin urban, semakin hari semakin bangang dan bangang.
variables
i dont think a lot of people do watch this, and guess what, comments everywhere. with or without brain. but it came to my understanding that nurul izzah's statement can be misleading.
it isnt about whos playing the role. i doesnt have to be political enough to understand this. there is no need for media to manipulate this statement into something else and fool people around.
"kebebasan beragama blah blah blah blah, termasuk orang melayu"
so tell me. doesnt that make ur dad inherit islam from ur akkong, and u inherit islam from ur dad, and maybe since it is too liberal and islam bukan agama paksaan, ur child will decide to practice taoism?
this is malaysia. and we're mostly malays (minus those pork eating and alcohol consuming ones) we are born and inherited down the religion from our ancestors. and that statement carries something malicious if u took em wrongly.
this isnt about politics u dumbfucks. this is about reading in between the lines and silver linings. who give a fuck about statement manipulating if the mind already receive something that dangerous as this. i didnt say izzah encourage people to murtad and live freely without any religion, but i am concern her statement toward those people here in malaysia obviously.
everyday, melayu di modenisasi, melayu di urbankan. (selain di arabkan oleh para saudara-saudari hipsters dan hijabsters)
and i didnt say this is wrong. i am saying ini tak patut. and there shud be beberapa opinion lain yang kata statement dia tak salah dan bersifat terbuka. there is 7 bill people in this world and there is alot of opinion and perceptions towards this. i am jolting mine's down.
i'd say, either u are going to oppose the gov, or on the move with the gov, berhati2 ketika membuat statement. and kalau membangkang, kalau baca paper, kepala otak jangan bias sangat. tak semua kerajaan buat tu salah dan tak semua pembangkang buat tu betol.
kenapa nak beriya-iya? ada yang keje gov tapi dalam diam menentang, dasar tak sedar dek untung. takkan semua dari sana jahat?
fikir sendiri.
updates.
i find myself in a new environment early november. new people. new things. new job. new perspective. and currently im having a long holiday starting wednesday, and only get back to work on 19 nov.
on march i hard 12 days rest, and raya too, 3 days before raya and straight up until merdeka baru kerja. kaw-kaw cuti.
i think i am going to head back to home town on monday or tuesday. mom wants me to meet some ustaz for these night terrors that i am having lately. by the way it stops last tuesday. the last dream is about mirrors. when i try to look at the mirror and start shaving, it cracks. and then i went out, every single thing that made from glass cracks. the mirror, the mug, tv, window. name it.
and the next day it is done. no more night terrors.
i had to admit, these few weeks was hard enough. dealing with personal problems, career. relationshit.
no matter how hard i lied to myself saying things are going to get better, supposed to lah. it didnt change anything.
taking a few days off helps. i did visit my aunt for these past 3 days, makan home-cooked food instead of makan junk foods, crappy foods. mengaji abit. tido. and i start listening to dr intan. personal panel doctor. she said that i am not that fat anymore. all i have to do is to add fiber in my diet. i can still take any food in any quantity but i need to take snacks in between. fruits. green apple, almond, not roasted, dhal, anything with high fiber. so that the fat can be absorbed and turned in to energy. since i have a very tight schedule everyday, not to mention have to climb up stairs. moving here n there, my daily calories distribution is balance, and as well as maintaining heavy stress, does release enzymes that slowly burn all of my fats away.
did a thorough medical checkup. x-tray, bloodtest, eeg, urine and everything. i was declared healthy.
i shud be on pangkor by now, but the people from the resort call be back in tuesday morning saying there will be storm and ferry wont take people there, they want to refund but i said nevermind, a reschedule shud be enough.
oh last night i had fun, playing laser tag and having kenny rogers in ioi mall with scem office puan naha, moji, kak su and people from KJ. thanks to abg izat sbb invite. best gila. now i know what will happen if ur body keep pumping adrenaline. tekak kering, heartbeat naik, jadi aware dengan keadaan sekeliling. laser tag is so much intense dari paint ball, cuma minus the pain la. and ada scoring points. so boleh tgk siapa tembak siapa, who had the most point. i did 3rd. codename andromeda, with 2430 as my score. 2nd place is moji, kak su punya score rosak, puan naha 1100 je, sad
tmr KCR gonna compete in ACG 2012 in ftz asia cafe, subang. will attend, and hopefully they will gain something from tmr match. winning or losing doesnt matter. what matters is they tried.
stay safe people.
im off to friday prayers.
a dream
i had a weird dream. snakes, something not human, consuming alcohol. and stuff. waking up every morning losing all energy. it wasnt sleep at all. i was asleep but i am aware. its like going under.
1st day, i was attacked by a women figure, she's knocking on my windows and when i try to open up and she screams. i woke up and realize it was 7.45 am. bathing in pure sweat.
the next day i am having a dream about snakes. i can see myself sleeping, and there is a black-red colored snake sleeping besides me. waking up 7.45 am. again in pure sweat.
the next day is the same. the snake sleeps above my head and start hissing, as he is prepared to attack.
and this afternoon after sleeping almost 20 hours, i was dreaming about drinking 2-3 cans of carlsberg and getting caught by a women in hijab.
the similarities of all of these series of dream is i always wake up tired. bathing in sweat. and im not sure either i am sleeping or not.
i did my research on google regarding dreams with snakes and alcohol. none of them were pleasantly described. it was the same with the dreams. it was not pleasant and entertaining at all. plus the headache u get waking up from a bad dream.
i called my mom. and she said somebody is going after me. i tried to dismiss her fear by saying dreams is just a game. another realm of satan trying to put me astray. i had 3 weird dreams before. it was a major thing. an old man came and wanna be friends with me, and want to share something. and i was taken to a bunian village during my time in uniten.
and she told me things. doa, baca ayat kursi 44 kali sepanjang malam. and some air penawar she gets.
i wonder what will i have tonight. i dont want any snakes, or any non-human figure. wasting myself with 3-4 cans of booze or any unpleasant dream.
is this the end?
in case u guys notice something happens, or i might not be acting like my usual self, or u notice that i did lose some weight drastically, do give my mom a call.
and i am going to bed again, right now.
yum, 11.52pm. 4/11/2012.
its home here in kinrara.
q & a : 2
Q : what are you sure of?
A : dying and spending the rest of eternal life in hell, begging for mercy, each and every second of it.
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