I.
genap 7 hari lagi sebulan saya hidup terumbang ambing tanpa hala tuju dan arah hidup sebagai seorang lelaki. dulu tiap kalinya bangun pagi, terbuku di hati untuk menabur bakti dan jasa pada setiap huni. tapi seringkali kini, saya takut untuk bangun pagi. di belenggu rasa takut. ketiadaan matlamat hidup, ketiadaan sesuatu untuk saya percaya dan juangkan, dan ada kalanya terfikir, mungkin ini tanda henti. apalah guna seorang satria tanpa pedang? apa guna jadi pemuisi pujangga kalau tidak punya deria?
II.
saya tak pernah minta sesiapa pun faham. saya meninggalkan jawatan saya bukan sebab saya sengaja. ataupun suka-suka. tak perlu cari salah saya. sebab orang yang betul-betul kenal saya, faham mcmmana cara dan etika saya bekerja. saya tak perlukan ungkapan-ungkapan seperti "bodoh orang dah bagi peluang kerja, kerja elok2, bodoh kalau berhenti kerja dgn telekom dan sebagainya". cerita sebenarnya oleh kerana perihal kekotoran politik kerja dan juga karenah birokrasi, saya rasa, sampai sini sajalah saya memerah keringat saya yang terbatas ini.
III.
balik rumah juga bukan lagi satu pilihan buat saya. masing-masing seperti orang asing. keluar pagi, balik malam. angkat tangan menyapa. kadang2 muncul juga, bertekak mengenai perihal bill yang tak pernah di bayar. siapa bayar, bila. kadang-kadang mengaku bayar. tapi alhamdulillah. masih belum pernah lagi di berhentikan perkhidmatan asas. masih ada insan yang membayar. makan pakai saya? kalau ada saya makanlah. kalau tiada, pandai-pandailah saya. dah besarkan. tak perlu risau.
IV.
terima kasih saya ucapkan kepada mereka yang saya gelar, kawan-kawan. sahabat. brothers. mereka tahu, mereka faham keadaan yang saya hadapi. ada juga di antara mereka yang sanggup datang bertandang ke rumah ini, cuba membawa angin perubahan pada emosi saya yang kadang kala tak menentu. heret saya keluar hidup udara segar. alihkan segala kusut usai dalam kepala. terkadang pernah juga berharap. bagusnya kalau dapat ibu bapa yang memahami dan boleh layan anak-anak mereka sebagai kawan. tapi saya tak salahkan mereka. oleh kerana sering kali di pinggir mereka sejak usia muda, saya pandai berdikari dan mudah bawa diri sekiranya di campak ke mana sahaja.
V.
sukar kini untuk lelapkan mata. dek otak berputar asik berfikir. tentang penerimaan. tentang penyesalan. tentang masa depan. tentang kita. lepas penat berfikir, di panjatkan doa meminta yang esa murahkan rezeki diri, rezeki keluarga, rezeki kawan-kawan. tak juga lupa doa untuk minta panjang umur, minta di bukakan hati kedua ibu bapa saya untuk menerima dan memahami diri dan keputusan saya selama ini. saya faham. ibu bapa sentiasa mahukan anak-anak mereka untuk berjaya dalam hidup mereka. dan tak mahu anak-anak mereka ikut jejak langkah mereka menjalani perit perih kehidupan. saya mengerti segala bebelan, segala herdik dan caci maki mereka, atas sebab sayangkan kita.
VI.
buat peneman setia diri, saya mohon maaf, sekiranya diri ini banyak melukai kamu selama mana kita berkenalan dan bersama selama ini. pinta saya, sabarlah dengan saya, tunjuk saya mana salah dan silap saya pada kamu. yang pasti, saat-saat sukar begini, hanya kamu yang saya punya, untuk saya ceritakan segala perit perih saya. dengar, hanya dengar saja kelukaan seorang lelaki hampa ini. jatuh bangun dia. cukup sekadar kamu mendengar.
VII.
kadang kala terlintas juga untuk berhenti. berharap. berdoa. berusaha. tapi saya akui. jalan hidup masih panjang. dan di sini bukan tempat berhenti. datanglah apa saja. saya tahu saya takkan berhenti di sini. entah kenapa rasa terpanggil untuk menulis sebegini panjang. orang kata, "let go". dah "let go" pun beberapa kali. tapi entah kenapa, makin lama, rasa makin tebal dan membuku di hati. makin lepas makin menyimpan, memendam rasa. tidak punya daya lagi mengharap apa-apa. selain yang maha esa kurniakan ketenangan dalam jiwa.
saya harap yang baik-baik saja. semoga ianya baik-baik sahaja.
1000th
hiatus.
u gave too much of ur heart and left nothing for urself.
at the worst moment.
u go.
being forgotten and forsaken, i dont think u know anything about it.
until u feel it for urself.
tired, tired heart. please rest
tired done by u.
thoughts. uneasy thoughts.
doesnt feel like it used to be. for a reason i dont know why. but i know i am not running away. maybe each of us are tired from each other. being there too much everytime.
apart and being stanger to each other. one day.
998 - status
honestly. i hate this new..job of mine. and for now, i have no other choice. things happen and it cant go back like the way it used to be.
i had regrets, a few. but currently it is so hard to chew and drink it down. and i dont expect anyone to understand it. yes they may said "sokay it will soon pass, i've been there, i know what u feel and stuffs" but really..u may get the "understand" part but not "living thru it for the moment".
these 2 weeks i learn a lot. about being at the very lowest point in an organization. where people treat u like shit. and i also learn things like "people tend to leave managers, not company" and about being valued and stuffs.
some people doesnt really care about paycheck, ots, claims and whatever. all they want it to challenge themselves, prove themselves that they can actually compete and contribute whatever to the company they working with.
but i learn the ugly truth from lowest point in and organization. and it seems like..there will be no end to this.
monkey see, monkey do.
i seek no attention. i seek no sweet words or any comfort talks just to get thru this. i just need support. and i fully understand if any of u starting keep a distance from me or anything just because i am saying things full of negativity and ugly truth. but that is the way i do mental block from myself, telling things that "things are not going to get better if i didnt do anything, or something" or simply expressing my thoughts. i wonder how it would affect u in a way. sorry if i did any. not my intention to do so.
u dont know how much i want to give up everyday, early in the morning, after subuh prayers. u dont know how much and what i endured all of these times, alone. so u dont dare talk to me about being negative and stuffs. pressure, stress, tired because working beyond working hours, lousy boss, lacking restime, lousy salary and thousands more.
this is the reality, this is the ugly truth. bounded by things u cannot really see.
and please stop comparing what have u gone thru and what i am going thru right now. it is not the same. the challenges today is not what u have back in ur days. and i couldnt handle any naggings or any de-gradation motivational speech from u everyday. i had enuf of it since i was back in my school years. i learn to accept there is things which i can do and which i cant not. but u guys didnt understand. or even try to understand. and i end up, like always, disappointing u guys in every possible way.
and u dont know how much i sacrifice for myself. if i even try to talk back, "barulah sikit berkorban" and bla bla bla dialog.
i feel left out currently. and all i have alot of things to say. to u, u, u and a lot of u.
i understand my current status is, and didnt whine at all. because i know. i will always make it out, alive. i always do. this is not the 1st time i lose everything in life. and i know, there is a possibility to lose everything and never had a chance to comeback too. if i didnt start doing anything.
running away from problem doesnt actually solve it.
bad times
i dont know how long i can do this. its..killing me..
and i try to look at this in a positive way.
maybe its time to learn something from this.
05092013
i got so much to say. and if i try to jolt it down where, most of you would probably...puke. do to the level of puke inducing writing that i may or may not include.
thank you. for being there. always. for me. my moon, my stars, my sunshine. for being there during difficult times and glory days.
thank you. accepting me as who i am.
and i am sorry, for not being a good partner/person to ya. hot headed sometimes. kinda hard on u. a bit cold at times. unstable mood all the time.
i love u. night.
xx.
