day 1 - KUL - HLR

installed blog/blogger apps so i can continue writing my journey on mobile phone since i havent get myself a new journal since the old one wont do much in this 8 days.

334 am.

i think this is going to be a scheduled post. im currently at the local starbucks at the airport. waiting for my flight with my mom. were going away for a while.

heal.
what heal? what to heal? whos hurt? whats hurting him? does people whos going thru breakup really need the vacations/getaways? to take things off his/her mind?

i just cameback from mini holiday in langkawi n some place. nothing. no changes happen. i still feel empty, void. dysfunctional. here. *points out heart*

empty laughs, empty thoughts, empty smiles, faked happiness.

idk. yeah i think i got it all figured out. but i was wrong. i wasnt aware that our relationship is deteriorating.

and ur seeing someone else behind my back ur schoolmate crush. i could do the same with all the attention im getting. i could do the same. every time when i want to talk to ya, u gotta do this, u gotta do that. i am fully aware that ur busy. but...

ah let it go. doesnt matter pun. my fundamentals and understanding "love" is far greater from urs. u dont know whats its like when u love somebody and not getting back the love that u gave. or being left in the middle of it.

because, u dont know. u dont have any idea.

i dont know how to put this. or even my feelings right now. devastated? tell me. i've been thru a lot worst than this. how about breaking up a day before graduating? how about quitting ur last semester of ur studies and start all over again without nobody knows why?

im sick and twisted, im broken, and u cant fix it.

but one thing i learned in this process.

im moving on.

and i am hard to be pleased.

happy

idk why i am so happy right now. maybe its because this weekend. a gateaway. from everything. i look forward to it. langkawi. and lake tahoe, and milan.

god.

adventure.

awak

awak. i know, u have been waiting for me. but lets not do this for the time being. dont ask. it is not the time for u to ask.

i am sorry maryam. i am sorry.

not right now..i need more than time

a week

im trying to bounce back on my feet. trying to see whats..in front of me. cant deny that the fact i am at loss, lost, and feel so out of place few times in a day. early in the morning. i've lost my goals, my motivation, the self-empowering..the urge of get up, work ur ass up because ur going to marry her, get up ur mom wanted to see ur effort if ur really going to get married, proving myself that i am capable of this that..

no. its no longer day. i know i have to get up but i cant help it. i feel nothing. this is different. this is not 5 years ago. i am now managing a lot of people under me, i took care of 5 state sales and business and i cant be like this i know, but..it cant be helped...

im helpless.

at night, is the worst part.

ur sleepy. ur going to sleep and ya know u gotta get up early in the morning. lay down 1230 am. and at the very moment, in between falling asleep and being conscious..memory struck in..

god..oh god..i even beg this self..to god..wanting that he took away every and each of those memories away because its hurting me...i cant do this..god...and the clocks enters 1...and 2.... and 3...and there u go 6.30 am in the morning.

and u will eventually fall asleep. and waking up few hours later. 9 am. realizing that..u did not have enough sleep. u cant get up because u have no goals in ur life nemore. ur tired, mentally..physically..

i want to bounce back. guide me. show me how. once again, show me how...

i am not what these guys are used to see...