there are things beyond my reach too

i'd be lying if i told it wasnt hurtful at all. heck i thought it wont sting like this. even for a couple of months knowing her, my god. it is just bad as other/previous ones.

i watch myself masuk this safe mode. god knows how slow time goes by that moment. i wonder where i did wrong. just like what happen too. i gave it my all. and still, kena tinggal for some unknown reasons only god knows why.

i did whatever i could to salvage whatever that i can from it. i've sent flowers. i've send sorry text. i even tried calling but none returned. heck i even engaged in a war with mom just to prove her wrong about u. i defended u like i have known u for so long. being in love gave me the positivity needed to go thru this miserable life. i tell myself, if everything else fail, i still have this.

but that isnt right. dots leave me hanging last november. tak tahu apa hujung pangkal where i did wrong. its all started dgn this one small quarrel over attitude dia yg taknak tegur orang yet tak boleh kena tegur tapi nak orang berkawan dgn dia. and now, anne leaves me after i confront her about whos playing her dota account. i just dont understand

obviously, mmg orang lain. and yes kenapa tak mengaku je? kenapa kena amik this too personal sampai kena jeopardize the relationship? i did a lot of things in life which i didnt proud of. but lying is not one of them. because lying, is an offense against oneself. u can cheat u can murder u can sell drugs but that is an offense against the law or other people. i am a very reasonable man who u can talk to. or talk sense to. but this, everytime teringat i will .... sigh...

i promised myself not to get in to another relationship. so many times. its because everytime i decide to jump into one, put all of my efforts and nak serius dgn what im doing now, i just cant do it. perhaps, man like me, we didnt deserve love. at all.

man like me, they can have everything that they could get their hands at, but not love.
man like me, their role is - keeping people and things together, in return, none can keep them
man like me, they exist only to give themselves out until they stop functioning.
man like me, they gave up themselves for others, and keep none for themselves.

ikutkan ego, takkan aku buat semua ni. takkan aku cari semula. but memikirkan, considerkan umur yg dah tinggi ni, aku belajar kot buang ego. aku belajar tone down, aku belajar toleransi. i tried to fix whatever is wrong with us but u wont let me try, at all.

from sad, now im mad. feels like baru lepaskan the beast locked inside so deep for so long. sampaikan tak nampak orang tipu kita sebab kita sayang tak bertempat. i was such a fool. and by default, everyone is a sucker for love. no matter how, what, when and why. kita mmg by default designed mcm tu, always akan attract because of the opposite attraction.

right now, yes i am a bit sad, but i did what i supposed to do, and beyond this point, its all god's work. its funny how love works. just like what i said in previous post, god sure does have his way toying around with me.

anyway. ingatkan nak cuti (el) the whole week. rehat, clearkan kepala otak.. but...aku ni jenis orang yg dah biasa ikut rutin. i need to get back into the routine, and do what i do best. work. hopefully boleh la kot lupa/move on. dah hilang 4 hari ni dekat 2k text..semua org cari. keeping myself busy would do me good. tak payah fikir dah.

incase if you are reading this, i didnt blame you. i blame myself. for being weak, and all vulnerable to you. and i just want to tell you, theres no difference between not using someone for his/her benefit dgn ignore orang. theres no justification untuk ini. one day, when the tide turns, perhaps you would understand why. and please, dont lie to ur next partner. i am smart enough to sniff it out. kalau benci kena tipu dgn belakangkan dgn orang, dont do the same.

kita umur dah tinggi. fucks up isnt allowed at this point of life. u said people keep leaving u bcos dota bagai ni. but look at u. did u tried to change at all? i know i did. and u come to me, and u take half of my heart away in the meanest way you could think of, and leave me broken like this. but thats okay.

i know i cant change u. changes must come within oneself. and we can never have total control over people no matter how hard we try.

sigh

now i have to make peace with mom and tell her shes right. and she would laugh without feeling sorry at all. and forever going to haunt me with bringing thing what shud/supposedly tak perlu sebut sbb itu semua dah lepas.

it hurts. i lost count dah. how many times brokenhearted. doesnt matter, pointless.

worry not. i'll live somehow. i always do. i always did.




kayum razak, 843pm. 28 march 17.