hello darkness, my old friend.

lately, for some unknown reason, aku rasa aku diselubungi kebencian yg teramat dan memuncak tanpa sebab. tak kesah apa ke siapa ke. sampaikan ada satu masa tu aku cam dah terlalu rasa menyampah, benci, meluat sampai rasa lemas dgn perasaan ni.

i am badly affected by recent breakup. i have lost my complete trust among people. hilang dah rasa sangka baik. hilang juga pertimbangan dgn logic reasoning aku. plus aku rasa manusia ni, tak layak kot untuk dibantu mahupun berbudi kepada mereka. last week aku ada tolong this girl. shes gonna commit suicide because dia busted dgn mak dia, tgh buat perkara yg tak bermoral pukul 3 pagi. so aku rasa cam, kalau aku tinggal budak ni, mati la kot dia. bersungguh nak mencabut nyawa and benda yg keep dia dari bunuh diri is me. so i talked thru it sampai la pukul 4 pagi and i really need to sleep that time sebab esoknya kerja n shit. and i leave my num, just in case dia nak someone to talk ke apa.

and the next day, guess what? her mom texted me, saying things like i am a bad influence to her daughter, ajar benda bukan2. i was like bitch stop right there, get your facts right. cuba baca balik conversation anak kamu dgn saya. apa benda kandungan dia. and terus aku rasa mcm wtf gila babi, rasa menyesal tolong pun ada. honestly, selama2 sepanjang2 kehidupan aku menolong orang ni, tak pernah ada sehari aku mengharap apa2 balasan. tak pernah sekali pun. selama2 7 tahun kerja dgn tm ni, tak pernah la aku minta balasan tiap kali aku tolong orang regarding masalah orang dgn tm ke apa. merungut sebab kena tolong, yes. tolong orang tapi tak ikhlas pun yes, tapi mengharap balas, nope. thats not me. so back to the story atas tadi, aku dah la tgh mcm ni tak stable, lepas tu kena pulak mcm ni, pastu relate balik dgn nature aku yg suka tolong orang, aku rasa mindset aku dah twisted and it cannot be fixed anymore.

and thats why, aku rasa manusia, tak patut di bantu. tak kira la they deserve it or not, and sebab nature kita sebagai manusia yg mmg tak pernah nak mengharai or bersyukur, lagi la kuat instinct aku untuk membenci manusia. tengok orang bodoh benci, tengok orang minta derma benci, tak kira la apa pun, i seem cant stop myself dari ada perasaan benci dgn amarah.

yes aku tahu this is not healthy. tapi years enduring dgn pendam rasa, being used, again n again, i became a monster myself. buat balik orang balas tahi. buat baik orang tikam semula. and every night sebelum tido, aku akan bergelut dgn inner conscience. to help or not to help. to be good or not to be. endless, kadang2 sampai lemas dalam thoughts sendiri sampai tertido.nak masuk 2 bulan stgh dah breakup. dari sedih, sekarang aku lagi rasa selesa ada dalam keadaan marah, lepas tahu she played me. rasa benci yg meluap2 yg tak pernah padam. dari nak berubah slow2 menjadi better person, aku jadi makin "dark". takda lagi tapis2 kalau berbicara, takde lagi memikir consequences kalau confront orang. its all about making myself puas, or to be heard.

banyak lagi nak diceritakan. tapi biarlah kot dulu, mcm biasa, post draft banyak2, tunggu masa sesuai, baru boleh publish satu per satu.

akhir kata untuk post ini, kalau korang rasa aku dah lebih sangat, bawa2 lah tegur aku. tak apa, aku jenis marah sekejap, lepas tu baru berakal. soft side aku tak mati lagi, ada lagi. cuma aku no longer have control over it. tak tahu lah aku ni beyond help ke apa, but please kalau nampak n rasa aku dah go over, stop me. dont let me go down that lane.

3 week++ hiatus?

my god. its been almost a month that i didnt update anything here. i have been busy. like real busy. i dont know where to start, but here we go.

ha ni dia kete eksiden, pukul 3 pagi kat bangsar kena sodok dgn motor. takda kemalangan jiwa yg perlu dilaporkan, semua settle alhamdulillah. 

and actually aku baru je naik cuti from a long well-deserve break lepas habis tempoh kaunseling aritu. ha ni nak cite, haritu kena panggil pegi kaunseling sebab berperangai kurang menyenangkan dan menyusahkan orang. tapi aku bukan sengaja. yeap, wasnt my best moment. been thru some shit recently, losing my judgement and decision making calls. kenala brainwash sikit2 on how to carry your duty and stuffs, self empowering and shit. and habis the sesi kaunseling ni i was given 2 week break, and i took another 1 week of leave to rest.

i went to perhentian, redang, and penang. thinking that the sea would heal my broken self. but it doesnt. theres no cure for the sickness, so pure. it is hard, for the early couple of days. and it turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months. up until now i sometimes cam terasa. and kalau tak control, its gonna swallow u whole. and yeah, i am slowly recovering from it, and i would take some time before fully recovered

sampai jeti pukul 630 pagi. lawaaaa gilaaa sunrise pantai

gateway to heavennnn

jonny boi and jonny cash. oh ya, during this period aku lansung tak shave at all, berjambang siap. lain gila rasa. cam wah bad ass gila, kadang cam tak kena pun ye. biasalah tgh gila kan. mana la fikir sangat pasal diri sendiri.

actually aku ada je menulis dlm tempoh sebulan ni, tapi banyak sekerat2, sebab rasa mcm tak habis tulis, and ada juga plan untuk keluarkan post mcm double back to back, tapi since dah naik kerja and tgh sibuk juggle between things, kalau ada time, aku akan post la kot. from time to time, kalau rajin, singgah la sini baca.

JA~NE!