i know you'll find me here.
hei-ya. sorry for not coming here so often. i've have been busy for a while. juggling in between work, projects, and also some other business.
im gonna briefly talk about esports development - exciting times. last 2 week theres this event LVL UP, held kat KLCC Convention Centre where its like our own mini E3, i went there, as a guest and have a look myself on whats going on. theres syed saddiq there to address and introduce the malaysian team competing in next week SEA Games. kinda exited that finally esports get their chance to be featured in such sports event. its a start. towards the esports growth in SEA, especially here in malaysia.
theres tons of booth on that day, from developers to cosplayers, to showcase their game developments, projects. you name it. they even have this talks on how to groom yourself to become streamer, pro gamer, and also of course from the esports people in the industries. to talk about the growth and future of the esports.
malaysia still have a long long way to get to that pioneer level, but damn sure it starts right here, right now.
and heres some of the picture from the day.
i have found a cure. a cure for my condition - mental state, addiction, anxiety, sleeplessness and perhaps many more. a good friend of mine, introduce me to this substance called DMT. to call this DMT a drug would be criminalizing it, im not going to call it a drug, instead of drug, lets call it substance.
TL;DR, dmt is obtained from plants, synthesized from ayahusca which contains psychedic properties which usually called "spirit particle" by shamans n traditional practitioner to perform rituals. either by them, or by their patients. in science, dmt is taken by smoking, drinking, or some by consuming. and it produced intense, but very short psychedelic experience that affects visual and auditory senses. simply put, hallucinations, depending on how one's method of consumption.
i did my fair share of researchs and readings. by fair share, i mean lots of journals and documentations, starting from the early 1900s, and how dmts evolved into lsd and whats nots, from joe rogan, mike tyson to albert hoffman's research papers. videos and kinds of stuff. just so i know what am i dealing with here. so far theres no known side effects, no known addictions, to published papers regarding the downside of the dmt usage.
and i pop-ed my 1st dmt 3 weeks back. oh ya i took one small pill of dmt. after meal. at first i thought this is nothing, just like consuming space cakes and space tea but then after half an hour, dmt took over.
this is how my journey, through the dmt trip feels like.
first, all i see is geometrical patterns, shapes and sizes in multicolor rotating rapidly and react to whatever lights my eyes were focused to, during that time, i am watching looney toons. screen flicks several times, the color, and how i perceive and process visual images are distorted. not in a bad way, but in a good way, its like being in a machine, or clock tower, or maybe inside prism or kaleidoscope, or maybe if u ever went to the diamond exhibition, and when they let you check the diamond patterns, it would be like that. but more intense, colorful, everything was moving and shaped themselves rapidly.
that was only the 1st 10 mins, entering 20, my breathing, heart rate were slowed down, and steady. but breathing is a bit hard (by hard i mean, you keep seeing the patterns and it was so good until you forgot how to breathe, but you can control your thoughts by telling yourself that you need to breathe, and yes you'll breathe becos of our automated body response) for 10 mins i feel so good, and i thought ok this is good, not knowing there will be several trips and cycle throughout the journey (i would love to call this a journey and you'll know why)
entering 25 mins, kepala mula rasa sedap. different dengan sedap high/stoned from smoking weed/pots/nicotine. every inch of your head, with your brain, feel massaged. and this is where the magic happens. at this moment, i closed my eyes, and lie down on my bed. and right after i closed my eyes, the pattern that i've been seeing took me somewhere else. to a place where the 4th dimension or whatever dimension it is. it was so..beautiful. and calming. and tbh, i was well aware of whats happening. and so, i put on my earbuds, and start listening to some deep focus music. everything happened so fast and i was taken into the outside world where all of these other beings (i call them beings because i cant explain what are them actually). being of colors, shapes, aliens. and if feels like they all talking to me, showing me what is there behind this existence, consciousness.
as i go deeper within the realms and calming and focus music, at one point i could see my soul, leave my physical body. at one point, i thought that i was dead. i can no longer breathe. i am no longer in this world, physical world. but one of the beings showed me that i wasnt dead yet. i was inside their reality. and became ome of them. they dont technically speak verbally, but somehow they communicate with you, and you understand them. deeper and deeper i navigate through the reality cycles, at one point i feel like every secrets and knowledge of this universe were at my fingertip, i was holding this book, and keep scrolling but there wasnt enough time to read em all. and these beings showed me how to do it.
this cycle last for few hours. and i was well aware of whats happening. my eyed were completely shut, and i was completely inside of their world. i could see and do everything i ever wanted. and i went to bed after that. around 530 in the morning. i wake up around 9 and noticed that the effects were still there, but wearing off.
my messed up mind, were no longer carry all of those messes, or thoughts. i feel like every inch of the burden that i've been carrying behind my back, were lifted away from me. i dont feel sluggish or irritated due to less sleep, nor contemplated with task and chores lined up. and i can recall of what happened.
and this is how i can put all of those cycle or trip, in a sentence.
"What a journey last night. I traverse into the hidden reality inside of my head, of lights, of love, of thoughts, of the deepest consciousness of my mind within the very fabric of the reality itself. And I went to bed right after. Its like having and viewing your entire life and soul from the 3rd eye
her - "why do you push people away. after what you've done to them?"
honestly. i have been answering your question with questions. probably deflect them every time the question pops out from your mouth.
but heres some answers,
for me to defend myself
to clarify
to compensate with all the things i did to put us apart so many times. again and again.
all of my actions, which i cant put into words. or even explain.
you probably doesnt have any idea how alone i feel, during my younger days. i dont want to talk about that, to be away from your family, and siblings does that do me. i didnt the chance to bond with them normally like other people do. parents were stricts. asian style parenting. the only people that i can talk to, share things to or do things with - friends. the reason why i easily made friends with everyone. im loud. im easy going. i always said yes. and to keep up that energy up high, is tiring. when the day ends, all i want is just to go back home, put some distance between them people. i would like some space, to regain, collect myself.
sometimes, when its getting overwhelming. im having difficulty to concentrate. i lose focus. and i bcome sloppy, and vulnerable. more to like annoyed. and i cant keep up. i hate to let them down when im like this. so the best way is to push them out. keep some distance. but in a proper manner. when ever i have the chance to.
it happen sometimes, days when you feel easily irritated - due to work, stress. anxiety. my tolerance towards people are very-very low. i tried to control myself most of the time. but it doesnt seems to work. the best way to let it go is to come down to soc med, and let them dumass people have it.
i dont think i deserve to be happy. i feel like i am a burden, to everyone. and i dont want to hurt them when i get too close, and comfortable. and when i do, i am vulnerable all over again. easily get hurt. i've been hurt before. i dont want to go thru that anymore. i build my walls up so high, so nobody would get past that. some would, and when i realize they invade my space, that is when i push them out. again and again. which i did to you, countless of time before. without any explanation.
i know its not fair to do this bcos of what had happened before. i am still traumatized. i give my all, and look like my all, isnt enough. people go. they took everything away from me. and i learned alot from my previous relationship. but still, my heart, yearns for one, hoping this is one, everytime.
this is the illusion i've created to hide my true self from people just so i not to be seen as weak. a loner.
i know what does it feels like to be alone. i know what does it like not having support system growing up. i dont expect you to read this (ceh mcm dia tahu bout this space). maybe one day you'll stumbled upon this space, and you'll get your answers.
its almost 2 am. and i think i should go.
im gonna write something about skincare products and routine. yup. this world is going crazy. kayum is writing about skincare. actually i dont really care about skincare product and routine. but menjelang 30+ ni, and due to years and years of kerja luar, terdedah to all of habuks, sinaran UV, not even moisturizer or sunblock, muka aku cam kering n teruk. to one point mengelupas due to kurang minum air n tak jaga properly i guess.
i tried la skincare before. tapi basic. pakai facewash. from garnier, to biore, apa benda for men semua aku belasah. and i always thought that my face is oily, tapi tidak. sebenarnya sangat dry. and i've been using the wrong facewash, on my skin. punyalah lama. lepas tu i keep on using (masa belom tahu) wrong facewash, and tambah rutin moisturizer. things wasnt improving until hatim ajar cara yg betul since hes a pharmacist. mula2 pakai sha-tera. organic based. bagus. tapi pedih sebab ingredients dia. but then kena combo dgn moisturizer. pakai satu je, takde moisturizer kulit kering balik.
and now. lepas mendapat konsultasi dari this one fella, im using kiehls. spent 3 hours dalam tu. consultation dia best, dia try ni, try tu. and she teach me a lot of things. skincare ni apa sebenarnya. apa rutin dia. mende related semua ah. and now barulah aku tahu theres 4 basic things yg a guy shud know in his skincare routine.
1. cleanser - to clean your face setiap pagi, and before sleep. excessive oil, dirt, apa benda semua dia buang. tepek je kat muka, dont rub, massage slowly sampai lah sekata, and biar around 30 sec to 1 min baru bilas muka.
2. toner - this one functions as sekatakan tone kulit kau. pores besar dia kecikkan, and whats not. tak berapa geti nak explain, tapi remember, before you apply any serum, or whatever, pakai toner dulu.
3. moisturizer - moisturizer punya function is to trap all the lembab inside the skin so taklah kering, and sentiasa keep your skin moist, and hydrate from extreme weather out there. sejuk dalam aircond pun kena bcos aircond sebenarnya keringkan kulit juga somehow.
4. sunblock - this one optional. tapi i think penting juga. sebab aku naik motor, terdedah direct sunlight. so this one keep your skin dari kena bakar hidup2 and absorb all of the uv lights so tak la kau hitam legam (which is too late for me, i know)
for people yg had the wrong idea like i had - pakai skincare nak putih, the concept is totally wrong. putih tu benda lain sebenarnya. but the thing is to have them skin healthy. takde jerawat, takde jeragat, tak kering, sentiasa nampak fresh and paling penting tak rosakkan kulit.
advance skincare - serum, vit C and whats not tu nanti ah. goal sekarang is to have them skin clear from any damage, blackheads, jerawat, excessive oil and sebum, and the list goes on.
nampak, tak. abang dah expert siot skincare HAHAHAHAH. no im not. still got a longway to go. and i've been using kiehls for 1 month, nampak la result dia. fresh look every morning, tak kering. lembut je muka aku. tak kasar dah. bersih. hahaha gila ah.
do you know, i lived my 24 hours a day, not for me. not even 80% of my time for myself.
my day starts at 630 everyday. i would wake up 630 everyday for subuh prayer, and gosok gigi before i sleep back for at least 1 hour untiil 730. usually i would mandi first, and sleep. and i will leave for office around 745 am. will arrive around 815-820 for morning assembly which is compulsory and only get my breakfast around 9 am.
and my work starts after that. u might see my rants on my personal twitter like i have no other job to do right? actually i do. sambil-sambil. and i usually work until 245-3 before i go out for lunch. and continue working until 630. and it didnt stop there. if theres a need to for me to go to the cafe to deal with stuffs, i'll go to the cafe, else im staying in the office till 830 or 9-ish. and i go for dinner, and arrive home around 10. or 10.30. normal days. thursday is a bit different. i would go home early and then lepak with put n tims around 10.30 till late.
pretty much lived my day like this for everyday. and this is whats in between. i would like to screenshot hows my whatsapp texts looked like but dont think its proper.
hi. i have to delete the last post. lets just say i would affect my work. and i wouldnt like that.
anyway. i did it. the pubstomp. which i had in mind for years. so for those who didnt know what is a pubstomp - its a trend in america where people would storm into pubs to watch matches/games, be it football or soccer. so in gaming universe, we borrowed up the term and the function is pretty much the same.
in 2017, i hosted one pubstomp in setiawangsa. at a friend's mamak. and i did it for free. turned out, ramai gila datang. but i wasnt able to be there due to family day. and this year, i did another one. its kinda a big deal, to me - as a personal milestone.
this year, i manage to get myself a partner, after so long doing things on my own. we even get sponsorship(s), thanks to this partner. maybe to some, its no big deal. but to me, i appreciate it.
yap introduce me to this russian dude. i legitly would have thought that hes a russian, and he is by the way, but hes been in malaysia since hes a kid. this guy runs an esports club - Lapar Esports. which is legit, he got all the papers done. the 1st registered club under KBS. so we decided to team up for this pubstomp. i got all the papers, and action plans, he got the connections. and we manage to pull this off.
everything was perfect until the other party start to meddle in. oh god. 1st, they messed up the posters and all of the design. 2ndly, they doubted that i can deliver this thing, bcos its the 1st time they would do such event and monetize from it. initially, they wanted to do it for me. but then i show them my papers (where they didnt even bother to read). and ask me to compensate if i cant get the ticket running. i was this close to cancel everything due to my principles. so i get back to my team and they said, ok never mind, lets get this job done and delivered. all of those sleepless, stressful day and night was worth it.
special thanks to twtdota/netizen prihatin family, RSCO coffee, TCProduction, Lapar Esports, Battle Arena, OYO Hotels, Pineapple.MY, Dacsee, and Server DNA my. couldnt do it without you guy's supports.
to more esports programs ahead!
so here it is, i present to you, TWTDOTAxBattleArena Pubstomp 2019
i dont know how to make it up to you. for the loss time. i know i have been busy. i tried, but theres too much on my plate right now. and i know i am being selfish too. you know i dont say no to every request..but i keep saying no to you.
i understand that the fact youre hurting. bcos of me. tapi, understand this. its not only you. i choose not to reply text lately. bcos its too much. i choose not to answer phone calls, bcos i dont know what else to say. im out of words. my friend just died, im occupied with the cafe and production stuffs, i got one big event to cover, im having job promotion interviews and exam too and i only get the rest when im home. itu pun kalau takde orang yang datang to lepak. i would, i would love to say no, but then belum apa-apa dah sampai. kalau takde orang datang, i get home from meeting only to have another meeting via discord/skype.
i havent take care of myself too. look at me. i look like a hobo. who've lost his job, his work. screwed over. i havent get much sleep. rest, even eat properly too. poor megan too. havent give much attention to her well being. oil change is overdue. need to service megan too but it seems like i dont have the luxury of time to do so.
i promise you, give me sometime to sort this thing out. and im not going anywhere. i need to breathe. i need space. i might not reply every text or pickup every calls. youre on my mind. i always think about you. just hold on a bit longer.
its been one week. since madi's & syu passing. i still find it hard to accept. they both gone. to be there when it happened, was the hardest. i cried, like a lot. to the point where i feel like my head and eyes are going to explode. wasnt me alone. arip, fai. shah. i felt and share their loss. whole kcr family. arip cried as soon as he arrive to my office. i hugged him. and calm him down. i cried all the way to the hospital. cried again when i arrived. cried again when the whole family arrived. cried all the way to shah alam, cried again during solat, until he were put away down there.
and during the whole process, we all talk about how madi was a good friend, brother to us. he were always there. for over 10 years, hes been a very good friend to us. and he left. god loves him more. thats for sure. jodoh kau dgn syu panjang madi. together. dari hidup, sampailah kau kembali pada dia.
rehatlah sahabat. its time for you to go now. surely, we'll meet again someday later. for now, rehat elok-elok. kami yg ada akan sentiasa doakan semoga roh kamu dan syu sentiasa bersama-sama orang yang soleh. amin.
tough day. almost had a breakdown today in the office. on tuesday morning. these few weeks are quite overwhelming. i havent had rest weekend since last 3 week. i have been juggling work and business, at the same time doing stuffs for twtdota, mostly on my own.
i cant take it. at one point in today's operation meeting. i think i've lost it. all i heard is noises. at the same time, tunnel vision. drowning in my own thought. air is thin. i feel suffocated.
few moment passed. i just had to go out from that environment for a while. went into the toilet and wash my face. collect myself. got it under control, but then it is not the same. still feel suffocated until i get home.
things are crazy, right now. progress happened too fast. i thought i could do it, it really push me to the point where my body and mind would break. and the worst part is im doing it on my own. with little to no help at all. after work, coffee shop meeting, after meeting, just to come home to another meeting.
i strongly feel like i need to disconnect for a while. so i came here.
some space, please?
wuzzah. its me yo boi.
and pejam celik, pejam celik. its raya again. i have been missing. again i know. raya was good. and at the same time, probably the most loneliest raya i ever went thru. tahun ni, lansung tak sempat jumpa the boys, at all. kosong rasa. bbq malam raya pun tak ada this year. most of the gang dah kawin. ada balik rumah mertua. almost 10 tahun rasanya. every raya mesti buat bbq. aku faham. life happens. i miss them. my friends. all of em.
aku balik hari selasa haritu. tahun ni, aku orang paling last keluar office. tgh hari selasa, lepas tu baru balik batu pahat. balik pun tak lama. raya ke 2 dah balik semula ke kl. cuti lama, tapi sebab tak bawa motor, tumpang adik. dia balik, aku pun baliklah. plus ada wedding weasel dekat ganu hari sabtu.
i havent went to terengganu for quite a long time. sempat la jugak singgah pantai baru burok and visit jambatan baru. jem nak haram on the way balik, singgah cukai, tido resort kijal satu malam. and the next day singgah kuantan tido sana pula satu malam. barulah balik kl. holiday raya, layan diri.
in my 3 days journey, aku sedar banyak benda. i learn that all of the things, i had, and i own, are my biggest distraction. things i own, own me. even with everything, aku masih rasa kosong, bosan. tak tahu nak buat apa. i get to relax, get away from things. barulah boleh fikir straight. tido awal. tak fikir benda-benda yang tak seharusnya difikir.
anyway. cuti sampai kamis. jumaat start kerja. and besok, kalau aku rasa tak boleh go, aku masuk officelah. kerja mcm biasa. lepas ni maybe takde break dah. sampai bulan 8. and kena conserve cuti for whatever nanti menjelang nov/dec. i wanna go somewhere. ease my mind.
i think i should sleep. tryna live the healthy life katanya lepas raya. so heres some pics from raya.
hey-lo.
its funny that i somehow rediscover how important communication is. from conveying messages, to finally agree to disagree, and how respectful the conversation/communication is. relearned/relive the most basic ones, to complex-problem solving-negotiation kind of communication.
man this shit hurts.
i used to think of admitting/owning up the feelings are signs of weakness. still do. but the lesson behind are - you dont have to be strong all the time.
you get to sit down, rest, reevaluate your situations and come back stronger.
without realizing thats what i have been doing for so long.
p/s : dis post is written during the last few days of december 2018. not sure why i delayed this post but here it is.
2018 has been rough. entirely. personally for me. learned a lot of things toward the end of 2018. i dont have much to say. i feel. you know, "feel"
i have things/people taken away from me. i tried so hard. to my last might. to keep them around. i feel sad. because i am not in control of things. and i learn the hard way. there are things that beyond our control. to accept. to forgive. to forget. to pickup the pieces of leftover you and move on. not to dwells on regrets, hatred, failures.
i used to think that people around me are disposable. replaceable. took them for granted as long as i could. but i never realised that i am somehow attached/bonded with them. now i know how does it feels to have them around. i know that i am somehow too late (but not that late) and glad that i get to spend the last few months get to know each and everyone of them.
neways, thank you for the opportunities. and all the things we been thru since 2010 up till now. kalau ada rezeki, ada jodoh, jumpa lagi. but this is definitely not the end. i worry too much. they are all okay. tinggal la aku seorang diri kat sini. but thats okay.
to whatever lies ahead!
