the absence

 hi.

its been 5 months hiatus isnt it? a lot happened during that period of time. i havent been posting, but i do keep up with my journal. most of the writings isnt appropriate to be posted for the time being. dark hours. being so lost so out of place for months, trying to look for myself. not the best thing to share. 

its been almost 2 weeks since im trying to live my new life routine. i was out of control. self destruct, countless acts of self sabotaging because i am addicted to it. no any other reasons. the last breakup was devastating. and its started to get it toll on me day by day. 

tbh, i dont really know how to process the whole journey. of separating, losing someone you hold dear very much. i tried. fyi. with everything i have. and i thought by not processing it, trying to skip it at least it wouldnt hurt that much. doing drugs or getting high helps, but i'll always succumb to the pain and void you've leave behind. 

my nights - unbearable.

my days - empty

no matter what i do, it doesnt seems to help to ease the pain i've been feeling.  

but dont worry, its not like im losing hope. im trying to cope here. tryna move on with life. i know this would take sometimes. one step at a time. i've been resetting my life, tryna live healthy. these days i smoke a lil bit less. started to go to the gym, sleep early. and in the end i realize that the person that i need to beat, is my ownself. 

im on my way there, and through this journey you might find me a bit tense (its due to the tolerance break from all of those drugs, chemical imbalance inside of my head - yes i knew the risk and i knew how to get a hold on those episodes, no harm, i did my study). just avoid getting on my nerve (dry conversation, asking me bout my day and am i okay - i am okay unless stated otherwise).and yeap its all good.

this year is one helluva of a year. 2020. 

we'll make thru this year, somehow. 

ja!

another raya post.

just some pics, and long ass captions

went to falah's house. one of those blood brothers until today. motor buat hal lak nak balik dia takmau hidup. hahaha. feels great catching up sambil makan. good lad. heres us, handsomely posing fer hari raya haha

1st time beraya tiada family bersama. and heres the family pic without my sister yaya, me and my lil brother man. and heres baby qarizh buat muka hahaha dia ni mmg tau. rindu family. almost 6 bulan takda balik. sigh miss mom's cooking too. will definitely balik for raya haji!

family adik dgn baby qarizh. aint he super cute. hehe

so tak balik kan haritu. i decide to host a raya pardy open house style with ma homies. since lama gila tak lepak, and pkp pon dah longar, we rent this one cool airbnb right next to klcc (500 meter away) for 3 days and 2 night. best gila babi and surely going to repeat next time. families.

heres the pic right outside our balcony. majestic. i stayed right from the 1st day until the next day, to witness KL yang kosong, bertukar dari siang ke malam. 

selamat hari raya!

selamat hari raya cov-eid fitri!

finally. lepas get back into routine kamis lepas, i felt much better. routine helps me get back into life. put all the pieces back together lepas 60 days of mco. bit by bit comeback to my senses. having a system helps. with each and every task for the day give the energy and purpose once again.

surely, akan rindu mco. cant believe we are surviving thru pandemic. we show resilience throughout the mco phases. some of us suffered physically, some mentally. many has lost jobs, business. some even loved ones. one day we get to tell the stories to our children and may they learn the mistakes once we did.

anyway. this is the first time raya without my family. this year raya dgn adik, and few friends. for starters, my family isnt really a normal one. i mean, for me. might be different for my siblings. i was raise in a tough love kind of environment where love and affections werent so nice to me. but its there. the love. unconditional love. and i grew up and understand why they did that. so that i can become the person i am, today. the best part, tiada drama raya biasa family pagi raya. haha. i miss home. i miss my parents. i miss my nephews siblings the food, my friends. the tradition every raya, bbq night with the boys. hatiku sedikit terusik, telinga didendangkan alunan lagu raya seketikanya aku sedang berkerja di pejabat. iimagine kerja dalam mood raya. i even counted lagu raya apa main, siapa nyanyi at one point. its tough, but you gotta pull it through. wasnt so bad. kau ada bumbung nak tido, makan nak makan, kawan2 nak ajak borak and all the things you ever need and wanted.

mco has taught me many things. and i am grateful for it.

so far aku dah susun few activities for raya ni. we gon have raya pardy coming up soon. looking forward to lepak with the boys. lama gila tak jumpa.

again, kalau ada salah silap, selama-lama you readers (cey) been knowing me personally or crossed path before, terlebih terkurang, saya memohon maaf. saya susun sepuluh jari meminta keampunan sekali lagi andainya diberi peluang. selamat hari raya aidil fitri.

stay safe, goodnight!

taking back control

day 50+

theres like a lot of things on my plate right now. i have completely lost my mojo. i am unorganized, purpose-less, i dont even know what day or time it is, and pretty much knowing that i am alive when i open up my eyes.

and those dreams (perhaps in the next coming post, drafted already)

to this date i think it is safe to assume that i havent gotten any night sleep normally since the day mco started. i have nothing more that i can use to help myself get up at this point. those happy pill wasnt really helpful in long terms. it gave me the boosts that i need but thats it. i cant get that breakthrough anymore. being so lost so out of place, almost no more willpower to endure this any longer.

you no longer feel like giving up, bcos theres nothing left to give up on. like being sucked into one of those void. timeless, endless. its dark down here. on my own.

"lets not talk to each another anymore"
"You will deal w/ whatever demon you're dealing rn and i dnt wnt any part of it"

she said.

i always knew that i will never be enough. but no worries. even im tired of being me too. i didnt respond back because we both know that i have to let you go. you were right. i am self sabotaging. i am addicted to it. you was never wrong, and how fool of me thinking that i could prove you wrong. i wasnt trying tbh.

surviving thru pandemic, at home, with no timeline to work with due to the nature of my work, is hard. i did everything that i could in my might to stay sane. imagine if i did engage with (im sorry i have no other way of saying this) your provocations. my ego, against your stubbornness. theres no end to that. sorry that i got boring. i did everything.

last night official email came in. look like im gonna get back to work on the 14th. thats a start. few days left to pickup whatever left in me, to get back into the routine. once i get my tempo, i can start fixing other things. something must be done.

get some sleep, rehydrate, rejuvenate. get back that zen mode.

these are the words that i wanted to say last time, but i didnt have the chance to.

"you are wonderful. from day one, until now"
"im sorry i cant keep the other half of my bargain, i tried my best, and i've tried everything but not trying to understand your needs or by lowering my ego"

trying to go thru this pandemic on my own, is what killing me inside. but like i said before, my feelings arent important or worth mentioning.


p/s : i havent sleep yet, about to. lets just reset this for the last time.

goodnight.

a letter to my 23 y/o self.

hello there, younger version of me. fresh out of the oven, ready to take over the world. lemme give you a spoiler. yes you did it. i dont know how exactly did you it, but you did it. it gets hard at some point, but you're always come around. even if you're knocked down for the 7th time, and you will always comeback on the 8th.

listen. i need you to take care of your ownself aite? taking care of yourself also means taking care of me too. you'll need this in the future. because me, the future you right now isnt so sure of what is he doing. all that energy that i used to have, was no longer there. i was super sensitive. i was mad, all the time. the soul seems to have gone out of me, now.

this happens bcos you have too much to give. not money, not time. but yourself. you ignore yourself. being self-less, has its consequences. i know you take pride of your selfless-ness. you get so busy with people until you forget that you're important too. this is what i've learnt up until today.

heroic act consumes you. so does sacrifices. not every war and battle is yours, and no matter the outcome might or might not be, is in your favor. it consumes you, where it wants you the most. at your weakest point. and the problem with being the strong one is, theres no one offers a hand, doesnt matter if you need it, or not. not everyone matches your energy.

i hope you find acceptance. the kind that rings through your bones. the kind that quiets the voice inside of you that tells you that you are not good enough. or that you're falling behind.

i hope you forgive yourself. for all the mistakes you have made, intentionally, or unintentionally, affecting whoever that just might cross their path with yours. and i also hope that you learn on how to let go.

in order to heal. to grow. or even to survive. you are doing your best. and do not forget, you're a human being, just like the rest of us. you have a heart too. please do not forget that.

now. go out there. live your life. no regrets. you live only once.

KITA MESTI TERUS HIDUP, BRADER!

Different age

Oh, you don't know me 'cause I'm from a different age

And you can't see me 'cause I live in a different age

And you can hurt me but you wouldn't know what to say

But you should believe me, our dreams are all the same

Like a life without love

God, that's just insane

But a love without a life

Well, that just happens everyday

And I wish I could change, but I'll probably just stay the same

And I wish you could see the Lord

But this poem is a joke and the melody I wrote, wrote!

. . .

Oh, you can't hear me 'cause I sing to a different age

And you should fear me 'cause I believe in a different age

But I live in the city that lives in a different age

Oh, I live in a city that lives in a different age

Where all the poets are writing up wires

And our just singing songs

Oh, all the poets are writing up wires

And hours are just singing

This city's got nothing for you here, kid

Oh, I told you just go home

They're saying this city is useless

But we've already done it all

Oh, all the poets are writing up wands

And hours just singing songs

And I wish you could see the Lord

the new normal.

hello. hows everyone doing. i hope ya all fine and dandy. the new normal huh? which isnt really normal, considering...circumstances.

my new normal?

its been few weeks since i had proper, normal sleep. i only take naps. and summore naps in between. working from home has taken its tool on my body. and my mind. since currently im working on a rotation basis, it further more ruins my pattern. and also, being in operation, getting emails and the urgency to reply is what keeping awake. i sleep for few hours, text/email came in.

thats one thing. theres time where i felt so alone. tired to sleep it off few times. one time i ended staring at the walls for hours. and the sun came up, fall asleep few hours after on my own. talking to friends helped, a bit. most of the times i'll be working, or play some games killing the time. tired to take a break from soc med for few days, try to spent some me time by doing chores. laundry. housekeeping the pc and stuffs. does help initially. and when you had nothing to do - the cycle starts again.

it is safe to say that at this point, i've lost my motivation. i have no purpose. i lose focus. my mojo. i dont text back. i feel easily irritated. i've bottled up so much inside, few times losing it. most of the time drowning in the feelings of useless-ness. i push people away. even my loved ones. more silly and small fights over and over. knowing i am being the toxic one, i decided to cut myself off. just like that. i dont want to fight no more. i might burst. i dont want that to happen. and for that, i am sorry.

also happening for few times. i would never have thought i've reached my limit - shisha. lol at one point i feel like puking bcos i think i had enough and my lungs are giving up on me. i think, lung cancer is going to get me before corona does.

wfh - besides have to keep up with office work, people from all sorts of places. tanya itu ini. faham, mro and stuffs but can u please respect my space...tak kira siang..malam. want me to do this, to do that. bukan taknak buat, buat je. but with courtesy. and with less urgency. i will tend to your request but please dont push me. most of the things can be checked online/apps kot. try lah dulu before tanya. its common sense. sometimes okay la spoon fed. tapi tak ke tu malas... and it can be super overwhelming for me. my phone tak berhenti masuk noti. i feel annoyed.

mro also has taken its toll on my buddy abu. dude hasnt been sleeping well and i can see him struggling. until 3 days ago he went missing, and i started looking for him. thank god he reached out to his sister and on the way recovering. do check on your friends and family status. just a simple hi hw r u is enough.

okay. i think this is for now. try not to worry about me. so far i survived, eventho its so hard to do so. but i do appreciate tho, if people do check up on me. may this pandemic end soon and we all can go back to our normal, "normal" state.

selamat berpuasa too. stay safe, wash your hands and practice social distancing.

ja!

the lockdown

the lockdown has taken its toll on me, mentally, and physically. today is day 5. i did nothing but sleep, eat, smoke pot, had a couples of dimitri's cousin, lasida. was an okay day, but tired due to not doing anything.

anyway. its work from home season, so i was lucky since i just bought a new PC! YAY! idk whats wrong with my old computer, i had recently installed ssd, and everything seems to be okay until i cant update my windows, and it keeps going into blue screen.

the first format - last about 2 weeks before it gone blue screen again. so i thought, must be the ssd. so i get another ssd. and the same shit happen in a week. i even sent back the 1st ssd to repair, which isnt damaged at all.

and i tried to reformat again, and it happened. that was the line drawn there. so the next morning, i went to get my new pc. after considering and upgrade for the old pc, which would costs almost half the price for a new pc, better ambil pc baru. and so i did.

i went for amd this time. lepas being so loyal to intel for so many years, rasa mcm nak try la amd. not bad. so far so good.

upgrade the whole set, and got me another ssd. which is m2 ssd where u just attach it dekat motherboard. best, boot pc takes only seconds. less than 10 sec.

so heres the specs.

amd ryzen 5 2600
gigabyte a320m s2h v2
600w power supply - hydro k
m2 ssd
nvidia rtx 2060 ti with ray tracing systems
and t-force 16 gb of ram color.

damage? 3200+/- lepas discount. puas? yes aku puas. beli dekat mana? beli dekat racun tech. yes. kedai dia mungkin jauh nun di setia alam sana, but the price sangat okay, berbaloi.

heres the final product

casing dia a bit smol, tapi ok la kot.later ada extra might upgrade. the games? semua boleh bubuh setting ultra high, fps dalam 160-120 depending the game. so far cod full graphic settings is superb. been playing cod since last thursday non stop. jadi tahi. ni dah wfh ni entah apa la jadi

also. sila lah stay indoors during this restriction order. only go out when u really need it. wear mask. wash your hands. less social media. people are going nuts out there, and i am here thinking that i am the crazy one.

btw, check out this song -

LP - lost on you
LP - tightrope
LP - when were high.

seeyah!

was down, for the count.

hello. whatsup? its been a while since i got the time to actually come here and write something. transfer thingy happened. was the worst few weeks of my 2020, and it doesnt end there. i was down, for the count, last week of feb due to some viral/bacterial fever. this time? ina hospital bed.

i thought i could take a few days off and recover on my own, but it wasnt like that. i had to go to the hospital because i cant breathe. my nose/nostrils are blocking air. i had to breathe using my mouth. they tested me for influenza A and also corona, results were negative. then the took lots of blood. day in day out and find out i had this bacterial infection in the blood, with bad bad tonsil, which already bloody and infected.

took me 4 days, 4 bottles of iv drip, 4 bottle of super antibiotics which kill everything (well they kinda did). the pain? dont ask. i was in pain due to the veins being dripped/antibiotic, also the meds turns me super weak, nauseous, unpleasant headaches. it doesnt stop there. after i went home, i had to took tablets form of em. i was out of commission for almost 2 weeks.

now, im almost recovered. hence, the update (still had to finish the antibiotics). and last thursday i went for a follow uip, and we agree to remove my tonsil after raya. right after that, proceed with the laparoscopy to fix my bad bad gerd/acid reflux.

i learn alot actually, regarding my own health during my time there. no wonder when im asleep, but i am still aware of whats happening around me. my sleep, wasnt the "sleep" im supposed to have. due to my tonsils, i develop sleep apnea. sleep apnea (common name snoring) was in the way of my sleep. due to my brain doesnt fully shut down during the sleep, it doesnt/cant release the resting hormones - which contribute to fatigue, sleepiness, tiredness, problem to lose weight, all the stress.
tbh, kinda regret my decision of not doing it sooner. i was given a referral to remove my tonsil few years back.

there. thanks for visiting, you know who you are. bring me foods n stuffs. i will try my best to take care of my ownself after this. do not nag to me like im 3 or something. also, will try my best to come here often and tell you stories.

for now, thats it.

i look like shit waktu ni. i cant get my ass out of the bed. i was out for 12-13 hours a day. hahah. hence the AR version of me

one decade.

my december has been a wild ride from the start, until the very last of it. its 332 am rn. and i cant sleep. theres a few things that lingers inside of my head.

as you all know, or might not know. i have been transferred to johor. particularly mersing. starting on 16/1 onwards. im battling a battle which i cannot win obviously, begging the boss to let me stay but he drops the ultimatum already. and the only thing that can save me now, is my old bosses mercy.

either i drop the lob im doing right now, and float for a couple of months, before i get a pos within another lobs. which is not going to happen in this shortest of time, but im trying. hopefully theres someone out there who would take my place, and i'll gladly took his. at this point, beggars cant choose.

but thats not the point.

the truth is.

i cant cant leave here, because i have you. my biggest concern? leaving you. im not done yet...heck i didnt even start yet. i had so much planned out for 2020. god.

then all the other things too. but it can wait.

i am not ready to for distance, between us. not yet...

and today i had fun. i get to spent my day with you. and i dont know why it does feel like its the last time im gonna see you. it never happened yet, but to me, its already happening. i dont even remember what color are youre wearing today. i barely remember your smiles without look at the camera gallery, pictures we took today. part of me, regretted that i didnt take as much photo together. i have no intention of not taking pictures together, or even show you off in my soc meds n stuffs. what you and i have, is something special. something so sacred, so pure. only you and i knew whats going on. in our own world.

im thankful. i learned a lot from you.
to end this decade with you, i want to do it. i'll do it a 1000 times. over and over.

"until every stars in the galaxy dies and fades away"