that one point

i knew it sucks to be the only single person in a circle of friends. i knew it sucks just to watch them in their facebook or twitter and all sort of shit. and when they had problem, they turn to u. i knew that being "you" now sucks. u had no obligation towards somebody and any issue. and ur friends came to u with this relationship probs. and down the lane, u'll find urself pathetic. ur friends comes and go with their partner and issues and only comeback when they hit rock bottom. and then, there u are. single. alone, miserable and want attention. but u dont know to turn to who. or which. or whatever.

i know how hard it is to be a group leader. to watch all of ur members getting married and sttle down. having nobody's left to ask for a late night drink or hanging out session. ur stuck alone. by ur fucking miserable self. and u start to rant about this. in a way. u turn bitter. u turn sour. u wanted to tell the world that ur alone. lonely. but u have no intention to lose ur ego. u refuse to talk to ur friends because of this. u want them to figure u out. just like a child. and when people ask why did u post things like this and that, u'll say its just a random thing to do.

ur sick and tired playing the wingman role. ur sick and tired making big leaps and sacrifices. not for urself. for somebody else. acting okay and happy for them because they got what they want. but deep inside, ur hurting. do not lie. i know. u know. we know. we all face this one point in ourlives and most probably do not know how to deal with this. ur happy, ur not happy, ur lost, confused. shits, and stuffs.

u said that its okay to accept that the fact ur not happy, and admit ur mistakes. but now? what are u doing? ur not what u said u are. u didnt. u didnt accept the fact that ur jealous. and u too want some loving. and u have ur own relationship problem. maybe it didnt work out. maybe this and that. u want to spill it out. but ur friends are busy with their own life. but ur there when u need them, and they're gone when u need them. and all of this, hurt u. deep down. 

and u'll ask the all of those questions all over again. is this the meaning of our brotherhood? one bro down, others walk away? wheres the brocode? and the code of conduct? fuck this bro shit? leave me alone rants? why me?

personally. i see these a lot. not in my circle. but others. 2 best friend. 2 best bro. one got married and carry on with life. the other suffers.

honestly. i dont have the answer or solution for this. and neither do u. nor us.

but i know one thing. start talking and make them pay attention to what ur saying. and not acting like a child, wanted to be figured out each time.

i am willing to listen if u want to. and sort out things. and maybe start fixing things around. and it doesnt have to be alone who fix things. i can help. we can always go back to what we was. and just because he/she already have their respective partner, things will have to change. and yes, it does, but. learn to accept that things change. and it cant go on like that forever. and ur time will come soon. just please..hold on till that time comes. just hold on..ur too far already to stop at this point.

maybe i acted like i already been thru all of those shit and maybe act like i knew everything. but trust me. i've been there. for all of those miserable days. i didnt forget. i didnt forget each and everynight i went thru. with and without company. one of those days u walked home alone in the rain. hollow. empty. gone. 

get urself a grip. dont give up. go for a reality check. a gateaway. whatever. just to comeback on feet once again. wake up. make some sense out of urself.

changes.

im going for a total change. 

and we dont share common fear which is, changes.

that feeling.

that feeling...when ur having that thought that u cant explain in words. or express it thru actions.

and when u try to visualize, or write it down here in ur personal space.

it seems impossible. that wild thoughts just vanish. not there.

and when i am not having these thoughts. i feel like wanna write.

this "fuck you" feeling. duh.

-what is/will future have for u blogger? many blogger died. or went MIA. 

bad week

i've been thru shit last week. the most shittiest shit i ever had in a bad shit week. sebenarnya penat memikir. penat. memperjuangkan sesuatu yang bukan perjuangan kita. penat juga memikirkan perjuangan kita yang entah-apa-apa-entah.

doesnt feel like human at all. rasa mcm dah di programkan tuk bangun pagi, tarik muka senyum sehabis boleh, sehipokrit mana yang mampu. lepas tu balik, benamkan muka dalam singki penuh air. tengok diri sendiri dalam cermin.

"whattafuk". sekali. pekat. jelas.

this new working hours ni challenging gila. and i got to pick 2 days off dari any of working days.

i tried to do something. just to get my mind of things. things that i didnt even want to think about. and it doesnt matter how much bong u've smoke tonight. or gyms or play any futsal or badminton, now many teh tarik glasses u had with ur buddies.

u still go to bed everynight going over every detail and wonder what u did wrong. or maybe, how u could have gone misunderstand.

and how the hell for that short moment, u cud think that u were happy. or at least ur not.

and sometimes u can even convince urself that maybe, this is it.

and after all of that. however long all that maybe. and u'll finally gone somewhere.

go and meet people who'll make u feel worthy again. and those missing puzzle of ur soul and life journey will come back. and all that time wasted, all that life that u've wasted, will eventually begin to fade. one by one. bit by bit.

u'll just have to believe. dont lose hope.

sunday 12, 2013

malas nak menaip. sila reka cerita daripada gambar yang di sediakan. semua masuk balik darjah 3.

 faces. ucu, wani, adam, mummy faz, farmi

 jeeva, akmal, bell.

 cupcakes and graduation hats

 the food.

 mini zoo?

 table set up.

 kokak dah mari 

orang yang di raikan

whenever u cant decide. just remember these

"Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and suprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you" 

-iris simpkins. the holiday, 2006.

u want her. u dont want her. u cant choose. and each time, u lose the argument and logic that u already decide, either consciously or subconsciously. 

this is not the time to think, ur the one she wants or vice versa. personally, its about being there and embrace that feeling. that overwhelming sets of emotions which nobody would say "this is the right/bad thing to do"
"there is always "start over".

make up ur mind. start believing.

967 - not another frustration post

#np - bowling for soup : almost.

and i quote the chorus

"i almost had you. but i guess that doesnt cut it. almost loved u. i almost wished that u would loved me too"

i almost had it. i waited long enuf. 6 months? 8 months? then things happened. out of nowhere.
failed my exam. failed this and that. whats next? who knows? maybe my heart, kidneys also will gave up on me.

i didnt function well this morning. i didnt even attend the pep talk. headache. maybe because the sleep. i need to be in control of myself. i need to be calm. like i used to be. this brain of mine is tired to do over-thinking process. i want to be another mindless monster which have no programs or control upon myself today.

lets begin with disconnecting myself. and see how the day ends later.

969 - talking about frustration.

punch dah jadi kale hijau. pertama kali sepanjang aku keje ni. rasanya bulan depan jadi warna merah kot.

tak tau nak kata apa. jarak antara rumah nak ke tempat keje pon faktor, nak bangun lewat pun faktor jugak. tapi takde la lewat. bangun around 630-645. siap2 apa semua keluar rumah around 7.15. kalau tak jam, sampai la around 8. kalau jam, 8-8.15. paling teruk kalau hujan or tak lepas nak menyelit bagai, pukul 9. freaking far kot. 21 kilo + dari kinrara jalan klang lama ke damansara utama near kayu ara sana.

tapi ni semua tak boleh jadi alasan kenapa aku datang lewat. gm aku duduk kajang kot. kajang ke damansara? 60-70 kilo. depends on mana kat kajang. dari bandar kajang tu 60. kalau jenis duduk prima saujana? sepakat indah? tak ke 80 kilo sehari dia travel. ok je sampai kul 8. but again dia gm. dia nak masuk pukul berapa, balik pukul berapa, tak jadi isu. kita yang kuli ni?

meanwhile..

i havent get enuf sleep since last week. yesterday is a day off. but i sleep around 5 and wake up around 7. probably my body system. automatic wake up call at 7 if i miss my alarm clock 6.15. terkebil2. nak bergerak tapi malas. badan lesu. zero energy.

2nd may. 1st week of the month. tons of reports and backlogs needed to be done within this week. i am not sure if i can go home or not. feels like taking a few bookoffs since i have been working during last sunday and saturday.

guess what, i got 3 more days of my annual leave. i shud have around 10 or 12, but under some circumstances, it suddenly jadi 3 hari. kinda frustrated. at least u cudda inform me or something. if ur going to punish me, pls say so. so that i can do some reality check or some soul searching. accepting my flaws and fault like a man. i did this to myself.

actually i shud be in padang indonesia now. but here i am. working my ass off..


mood : null
energy level : 25% left till tmr
willpower : 65%