why dating guys in his 30 is a game changer that every girls need.

im gonna tell you a secret today. and girls out there, please, keep one if you find any!

1. you girls will have better idea of who they are versus who the could become. man in his 30s are already molded into the person they should.

2. men in his 30s had their hearts broken over and over. and because of that, they are less inclined to take love for granted

3. they are most likely concern about being honest rather than tryna look cool all the time.

4. they no longer see that by being single isnt the best thing in the world. nope.

5. flirting publicly with girls over social media changes from "normal things" to "embarrassing problems"

6. and their idea of "toxic" masculinity slows down. their life journey had them understand that real strength isnt impenetrable walls of stubborn ego nor being humiliating arrogant. at this point, their desire to be valued, to embody responsibility, straightfowardness replaces the need to be macho.

7. men in his 30s and their taste in people significantly deepens. they are more interested with the women they want to spend as much time and each day with, not every few weeks or one night.

8. they shift their focus from wanting to be the guy who has the most fun to the guy who have it all. they will come to understand that reading books, dress well, knows how to cook dinner and how to ask someone out properly on a date is not lame and uncool rather than the cornerstones of a well rounded considerate functioning individuals

9. men in his 30s will take relationship more seriously and as a by product. they would treat people in them with more respect.

10. most of the guys already spent few years developing themselves in their careers. and because of that, the experience teach them to be humble, and make them knowledgeable in their field or skills.

11. by now, they are capable enough of basic functioning. cook meals, keeping their apartment organized. manage themselves well.

12. also, they tend to realize that being with someone is better than being right all the time. and they've grown to know that the two cannot usually coexist. and a lot of love are lost to the latter.

13. obviously, they are not afraid to care, and they learn how to shove feelings away under thinly veiled layer of anger and dismissiveness inside of them. in fact, now they learn that its better to deal with it, and to be honest.


BONUS.

isnt perfection is what we all need? some want my life. but i want something else.

goodnight people. ja!

list of benda bodoh yg di buat sepanjang hidup

boring keje sabtu harini. ada rumble jumble raid event somewhere around sunway harini. so...here it is, the list of benda-benda bodoh yg pernah di buat aku sepanjang aku hidup (yg mana ingat)

1. balik mengaji bawa batu bata dalam beg sbb nak buat empangan kononnya. this happen when i was 7 kot. hahaha aduh apalah. berdarah + cacat juga jari. kekal kesan dia sampai harini. balik mengaji tu pegi pikul 2 batu bata pastu konon2 nak pegi la block air dalam longkang. entah mcm mana terlepas, terhempap tangan sendiri XD

2. pernah print duit palsu n pakai kat kantin sekolah, kecoh sampai polis datang, lepas tu act tak tahu apa2 cakap dapat dari kedai lain asdjhkasdjhkasdjhasdjhasdjl. happened time form 5. 

3. patah tangan waktu darjah 6. naik basikal sampai atas bukit, lepas tu jatuh berkicap menyembah bumi la cerita dia terseret 100 meter lebih. balik rumah steady, pastu mak tanya apasal baju kau kotor, pastu dia tengok tangan aku bengkok semacam, terus dia menjerit asdjlhasdjasduasddsjkasdjl. 

4. main mercun kat kampung sampai masuk rumah orang, pecahkan tempat semayang dia shshshashasdhasdjasdjkhasdjkasdl

5. quit uitm waktu degree. i think ini mentionable sebab dah last sem kot? quit sebab ada masalah sikit?

6. part 1. pergi travel ke krabi/phuket dari malaysia naik kereta without any guide/gps/proper preparation. probably one of the best moment in my life. ahahah bodoh betul. aduh rasa nak repeat je lagi buat benda gini

7. part 2. travel ke vietnam lalu jalan darat naik range rover old school with the same party time ke krabi dulu. but this time dengan preparation pun, masih bodoh gak sebab takde radio rosak, pastu drive dia 2 hari stgh pegi, 2 hari stgh balik, mental as fuk, tapi steady. was offered sup kelawar in the middle of cambodia, dalam kedai makanan moslem bcos diorang ingat aku local asdklasd;jhasdjhqweuoaduasdguioasdgukl

8. waktu form 6 sekejap dulu, pecah rekod. form 6 pertama dalam sejarah heskul batu pahat yg di tubuhkan dari 1818, tak pernah ada lagi form 6 yg kena sebat atas perhimpunan.sebab kena sebat? makan awal, lebih awal dari pengawas dan cikgu. pukul 9 sarapan kat kantin asdijasdhasdgkasdgyasdgy

9. selamatkan wan dalam laut cetek sebab dia cemas pastu lemas sendirian. mcm la orang gila aku berlari2 pegi kat dia, pastu dia struggle, n dalam aku tgh heret dia nak pegi pantai, terpijak la pulak sea urchin. berkicap ha kaki tembus. sampai sekarang agak trauma kalau pegi laut dalam nak snorkel ke dive ke apa. to describe the pain, lain mcm beb. mcm kena bedah without anesthetic. sbb benda tu kan ada bisa, so lepas terpijak tu kawan2 aku heret la naik pantai, apa yg aku boleh ingat time tu "weh kaki aku putus ke? darah ke?" pain was so intense. pastu sampai2 kena papah pegi kat sorang life guard ni, dia tuang cuka. pastu suruh kencing kat kaki yg kena tu sbb bagi hilang bisa. malam tu pegi clinic pegi cabut the remaining duri kat kaki, n doktor bagi pain killer high gila. pastu pegi makan aku dok buat benda pepelik sbb high hsdhasjhasdjhasdj. aduh memori sungguh

10. pegi naik faiser hill dgn bloodbrothers pukul 5 pagi, lepas tu mandi air terjun atas bukit pukul 7 pagi. bapak sejuk nak mampos. bodoh juga la moment ni sebab time balik tu, semua dah penat. yg tinggal berjaga aku dgn falah je. falah drive, aku teman sebelah, pastu jalan nak turun faiser tu punyalah gila bergaung dgn takde barrier. pastu yg lain semua padam dah tido. pastu tak abih2 tanya falah ok tak? wei ok tak? selang 10 minit sbb takut dia tertido pastu masuk gaung. and falah revealed after so many years, dia kata few times dah sebenarnya dia nak tertido n kete nak masuk gaung. HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA kepala hotak lah

good ol days huh? actually theres a lot more tapi aku rasa 10 ni yg paling memorable kalau nak diceritakan. anyway, see you in the next post! sikit lagi boleh balik keje n main overwatch!

ja!

the return of the prodigal son.

i went back to hometown last week. my lil bro getting engaged. given the circumstances that i have been thru for the past weeks, yeah why not balik. take my mind off for sometimes. seems like almost everyone is there when i arrived. the first question that pops out from their mouth is

"eh balik sorang? patutnya bawa la balik gf, kata mak kamu, kamu dah ada gf bla bla bla bla"

i can only smile. sedaya upaya control supaya tak tunjuk muka garang/panas/nak makan orang yg entah tak boleh dah kot nak ubah. terus masuk bilik. mood mmg dah out. penat lagi. malam sebelom balik tu kena sekolah dgn gm pj sbb behavior last week.

i have been skipping major meeting 3 hari in a row. masuk court HR sbb i filed a report against my colleague yg asik cuti isnin for at least 2 years. im mending my broken heart at the same time so everything was so messed up to one point it explodes and there was this clusterfucks everywhere all around me.

to summarize, work sucks. and i didnt behave like i should

i cant think straight. my judgement were clouded. even strangers dekat petrol pump pun suruh aku senyum a bit. toksah cakap kak nana dgn eda lah. diorang paling perasan. bos kenapa? masam je. bos okay tak, bla bla bla. i know they are trying to cheer me up. but all i need right now is sometime off. for myself.

and sambung balik cerita tunang tadi, so petang tu pegilah ke rumah tunang adik. sebelah taman je. kinda reminds me of ... never mind. i left the ring kat seine river in 2013. jambatan tu pon dah roboh. hahaha. belajar la juga sikit2 camne nak handle tunang n adat all of these stuffs. koyak, tapi layankan je.

rumah pempuannya. and those adalah hantaranya.

this will keep her diam sekejap for a while n not bothering me  

my dad, my bro, mom and tunangnya 

balik rumah and found her this fat! siapa bagi makan ni!!!! wiwi gemuknya kamu. and i have been talking to wiwi eventho dia bukannya faham pom kan. cakap pastu dia ngriauu ngiau je like she understands. pastu bila panggil dia datang meleset pastu baring. btw shes indoor cat. tinggal dalam rumah. makan semua terjaga ada sorang jiran ni akan datang bg dia makan isi air dia n cuci najis dia dlm toilet. pandai bawa diri kucing ni jaga rumah dgn paktam

tgk. betapa gemuknya budak ni compared to my arms. makan tido ngiau. 

and malam tu lepak dgn wan n epi. kebetulan wan pun balik dari kuching, epi mmg ada kat bp. bila dengar kawan2 struggle dgn life and compare balik dgn what im going thru right now. timbul la juga sedikit kesedaran. what im going thru now isnt nothing compared to them. epi struggle cari kerja. almost 3 bulan dah menganggur. wan minta pindah dari kuching ke putrajaya tapi wisma tolak everytime. we talked about stuffs. things, life. time heals.

i dont know when will be the next time i'll be home again. maybe raya. we'll see


BONUS :

the week before pegi manjong. dtg tengok tos kawin. kan berkilat kepala aku sebab botak licin hahaha. aduh... but dont ask why. these manjong fellas were just like family to me. more than teman sembang, lepak and borak. 

sure, i'll play why not

since everyone is playing this today on group whatsapp so..why not?

circa early 2010 - degree life at uniten. time ni tgh AF5 ceyy. cas2 AF lak. tapi tak. ini akademi facilitator. saja join since dah last2 kan. why not? i used to hate kelab wawasan bcos they gave me hell zaman register uniten dulu because they treat transfer credit student mcm aku (tua) ni serupa budak2. so i geng up with some other TC guys and wreck hell along the week. eventually idk, jadi kawan baik pula dgn geng2 wawasan ni and stuck pula dgn diorang sampailah hari ini. 

UNITEN PUAKA TERSAYANG, LAMBANG GEDUNG ILMU YANG GEMILANGGG JASHJ:ASUITASYIASOG

circa late 2014 - early 2015 - misi banjir kelantan. spent the whole month here, serving kelantan waktu diorang banjir. as tm guy, and as twt_dota. kita ada buat donation games n stuffs. good old days :)

ignore my eyes becos kena bangun awal jam 5, kena gerak dari kota baru ke manik urai pedalaman nun sana, everyday liddis 5 am 5 pm summore. probably the one of the awakening moment in my life.

circa late dec 2016 - early jan 2017. hi. this is me, acting cute, tapi sebenarnya koyak. oh and theres a big ass giant nutella sammich, time ni tgh gerak dari venice ke milan n berhenti kat diorang punya R&R - Autogrill. 

BONUS!

circa late 2005 - early jan 2006

my days at uitm puncak perdana. lepak kedai ibu time ni. part one masscomm puncak perdana.

hey u. kayum from 2006. how are u dooode. i am kayum from 2017 want to tell u that u were a great man. man up from now cause the road ahead is very bumpy but somehow u'll make it. everyhard work pays. and please dont be so hard on urself

30's

now that i am in my early 3 series age. i feel like sharing a bit whats it like to be in your 30s.

to think that i am able to live half a lifetime as normal human (avg dying age is at 64) is incredible enough. but signs of oldness is now showing.

i could say i have enough exercise (simple ones) and living a quite active day (if tak balik pukul 2 ke 3 hahaha) summore naik rumah tingkat 4 everyday, nak pegi makan pun eksesais balik makan pun eksersais sbb turun naik tangga. and rajin juga topap air mineral berkotak2 so boleh la nak kata lengan ni sado.

ok. here we go.

1. lately kalau overworked sikit, terasa penat dia pukul 6 petang tu. lepas tu nak drag sampai ke malam (sabtu ahad kalau ada event) dah rasa tak daya. i used to work 12 hours a day, sometimes 17 hours. kadang2 malam ada breakdown, balik kul 9, kul 12 pegi buat migration bagai larat je. these days keluar pukul 10, pukul 5 lebih camtu dah call gg

2. belom pukul 10 malam rasa dah berkicap habis. mata out. ada juga terlelap pastu jaga baik just because nak go throughout the rutin - game, series, movie. end up hilang focus sebenarnya since ur body dah hafal the activity and ur brain is....nowhere...

3. metabolism dgn selera makan. there will be time i takkan lalu nak makan. dari sarapan sampai la ke malam. dua tiga sudu pastu cam .. dah. tapi tak rasa nak makan. lapar tu terasa tapi mmg sungguh takde nafsu. probably faktor umur dan juga rutin makan yg tidak dijaga dari dulu. since i work in the field, makan tak menentu. lunch pukul 4 lebih, sarapan 11 lebih, malam pun makan lewat juga so...perut dah tak larat. once suffered from ulcer sampai kicap2 8 cm kena tebuk ha. and kerap juga la sipi2 nak gastrik. last time i check, i suffered from GERD. usus naik sampai ke esofagus, so kena makan bebetul, timing bebetul. sigh

4. i have very low libido. kurang sex drive. tak tahu la kenapa and i hope i just dont turn gay. noooooooooooooooooooo

5. this is the time where you will have money, but less time and energy to spend it after long of years working ur hard ass off, and ur friends is leaving u one by one because they got married/died 

6. emotional breakdown is your playground. so man up thru whatever obstacle or crisis. only look straight forward since theres no point on fixing what has already been said and done. try to enjoy life. 30 y/o is a great age to see things from different perspective.

7. by now, u should be able to reflect back to all the things u've done in life. and ultimately know what u want by now. right and wrong becomes so clear with every choice we made, every path we walk.

8. u dream about someone dear/close to u dying. are we ready for it? 

ok i should go to bed. since im gonna make writing as my routine (escape from all bad thoughts) and im having a minor tonsillitis and its killin me slowly. 

i'll try to be a positive person, bit by bit, amin.

ja! 

10 years. 10 years!

i started this blog 10 years ago. haha kalau ada anak, dah darjah 4 kot. and i dont think masih lagi ada kawan-kawan yg masih menulis up until today. so..i think about time to reintroduce..i mean, rebrand/recap whatever yg i think i should.

so. here we go.

im 30 y/o this year. i am pretty much burnout from life. it has been hitting down on me back and forth, and it feels like a reminder - everything im having now, its just a loan. and i learn it the hard way, happiness doesnt last. i worked in one of malaysia isp for at least 7 years (april 2010) and work my hard ass off since day 1, and here i am now.

i am man of many things, some were things that i didnt even proud of. but deep down, i keep battling my demons down, always on constant fighting with my inner conscience, doing whats wrong for the right reasons, and vice versa. it doesnt end well tho..everytime. to the point where u didnt keep any for urself in the end.

i am currently the head of my family since my father working overseas. and because of this reason alone, i feel like im carrying the whole mountain behind my back, ignore my own needs and wants, kept myself shut for a very very long time and i could explode anytime soon. there a lot of things in my mind.

i tried the marriage road once. it didnt turn out like how its supposed to be. i've chased her half across the world for 4 goddamn years and yet, it feels like i havent done anything. it took me half a year recover. u dont know what does it feel like watching all of ur buddies gettin married one by one, leaving u alone tryna figure out what to do with leftover u.

then, round 2. i chase another girl half across the world (again???) she left me when decide to pursue her master degree in Scotland, edinburgh. and i dont know, within a year she manage to convince me to do this one more time for the sake of it (we kinda promise when she get back in 2 years time, and if either of us isnt married yet, we gonna go for it) and then things went sour again. i got caught up with work, the timezones are really being hard on us, shes being urgh, i just cant. shes perfect, just..
it just doesnt seems to work, the distance, the time, work..

i tried to make things right. i tried to arrange things last december, my last attempt on saving whatever left of it, but then..she didnt came. i dont know what i did, she left me hanging without answers. all i know, she change her ticket to new zealand, and i was left alone in italy finding out answers by myself. right there, i promised myself that i would never want to fall in love or have someone for the rest of 2017, and only want to focus things on myself.

theres no more i could offer. i have tone down my ego. i even lowered my ego to the level it kills me inside. doesnt make me feel half a man i am. i was begging for answers, and how could you do that to me. (ok worry not im done weeping for her)

still, i am the same person i used to be before. i mean, the usual stuffs. i still loves video games, i love beaches. i love travelling. i love cooking. i cook sometimes. and i am currently slowly backing down from any esports activities beside attending event as a guess myself, tryna enjoy what other people enjoying.

things that happened last march (update);

-cuti kena freeze. because of my behavior for the last 2 week.
-i failed one exam, assessment due to...i dont wanna talk about it
-anne left me (i dont know, she left me hanging for whatever reason i am not aware of, i did apologize, but still..)
-bro got engaged (hellish weekend for me since everyone is asking what happened between me and anne)
-was being told to keep my shit together dgn big boss.
-i think im gonna get another tonsillitis case, throat has been acting up
-my life is upside down and im at the edge of losing my sanity because of it
-got selected to represent PJ is this coming fit tm in kelantan
-my application to noc cbjy got rejected again.
-blah blah blah.
-now tgh bela this one guy kat rumah yg dah dismiss dari college and im tryna to figure things out (tak sure nak halau ke apa)
-visa to balkan countries is almost done/approved. now nak kena farm duit belanja ke sana (no im not gonna chase another girl half across the world again)


so, i think im gonna hit the bed. i am so tired. beaten to a pulp. see you guys in the next post!

ja!

"engkau yang tercipta, mungkinkah tercipta, bukannya untuk ku"