endscape: 2014

the end of 2014

2014 is going to end soon. another day left to spend. its been really a very rough year. for me personally. the same goes with my family. my close buddies. people fall, people rise. i've seen it all. the good, the bad. the unwanted. questions answered, question asked. shots fired. name it.

i dont wish much. in fact, i dont usually wish for anything. new year resolution and stuffs? i dont have one. all i wanted is to be a better person. thats it. to me, another year has gone. and i havent done much.

to those people who matters the most, thank you for staying. and those who've left. i wish nothing but the best for u guys. maybe this is the point where we drift apart and venture into the world, on our own. and theres a reason why we've become like this. and maybe, who knows, in the future, if our path crossed and we might do things together again, like we used to.

2014 teach me a lot. a lot of things. to list everything down? i dont think this post cud possibly tell u guys everything. i found joy, happiness, sadness, a little bit of this, and that. which i quote from the movie The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty"the quintessence of life"

2014 is only a tiny little part of my quintessence of life. 27 years of living. and here i am. and who i am at this point of life. i've been thinking about slowing down, maybe settling down. for good.

i think this is where i say goodbye the old me. and at least try to change for better. for myself. not for anybody else.

goodnight :)

#LobbyAmalV2

nothing much, heres another project, by me

Event : Lobby Amal 2.0 - Kutipan Derma Kilat Untuk Membantu Meringankan Mangsa Banjir Di Negeri Pantai Timur

Tarikh/Masa : 27 Disember - 3 Januari, game berlangsung setiap hari jam 10 malam (MYT).

Anjuran : Admin Twt_Dota Malaysia.

Ucapan ringkas dari ketua admin Twt_dota Malaysia,

Sebagai rakyat dan masyarakat prihatin, kami di twt_dota berhasrat untuk menyumbang tenaga dalam usaha untuk membantu mangsa banjir di negeri-negeri yang terlibat di serata malaysia, mungkin ada ramai individu yang ingin membantu tetapi tidak tahu cara, ada yang jauh ada yang tidak dapat membantu secara fizikal jadi kami, admin-admin di twt_dota malaysia bercadang untuk mengumpulkan dana berbentuk wang ringgit dan disalurkan kepada mangsa dan badan-badan yang berkenaan, kami juga akan sertakan bukti penerimaan dan pembayaran wang tersebut untuk rujukan penderma.

Penyertaan adalah minimum RM10 untuk setiap individu, manakala RM50 untuk setiap pasukan. Jumlah kutipan yang kami ingin capai adalah minimum RM1000. Anda boleh hubungi saya untuk ‘lobby arrangement’. Kami berharap juga individu ataupun mana-mana pihak lain turut menyumbang sedikit sebanyak walaupun mungkin tidak terlibat secara langsung dalam Lobby Amal 2.0 kami ini.

Harapan kami, Lobby Amal 2.0 ini dapat menarik perhatian lebih ramai lagi individu di luar sana untuk membantu mangsa-mangsa banjir di Malaysia.

Terima kasih.

Sumbangan ikhlas anda boleh diberikan kepada;

Mohd Qayyum Bin Abdul Razak
No. telefon 0137382205
Steam ID qayyumx
CIMB 01050117688525

Kami juga akan cuba sebaik mungkin untuk stream beberapa game secara langsung di Twitch.tv Siti “pleiadesiti” Ariff malam ini, http://www.twitch.tv/pleiadesiti

mask

hey. its almost 4 am. and i cant sleep. played a few games of dota. and actually i am currently active training for a mini tourney coming soon. anyway, that is not the reason why i decide to wrote this down.

i think. i had enuf of people shit. boring. the same old same old shit.

there.

im going to bed. goodnight

hello december, a long lengthy post - a note

dear future girlfriend of qayyum,

please take care of him. he's fun to begin with. he's amazing. he will drive u insanely crazy, happy, boost each and every senses inside of u. hes "unsangkarable" at times. hes a bad liar. he said this all the time - "no im not angry" and yet u'll be sensing the most hostile attitude ever. he'll text u until 6 am in the morning. even in the most difficult times eg ; different time zones. never underestimate him, never let ur guard down. he's competitively active. he's smart, he's loyal. yes he might ditch u everytime when he's with his boys, but those late night's sorry's, calls, always make up for it. those funny feelings/butterflies ur feeling rn? that, wont probably go away. please love him. always take what he did, gave u, and do treasure him, because his love for u for is never ending. all he wanted is just a little bit of appreciation of what he did. he's an achiever, he brags a lot but one thing is for sure, hes good in everything he does. and one thing for sure, u wont probably know when all of these, will end, and when it does, please, please cherish the moments, memories, that he left behind, just like i do, and i will, forever.

with love, his past girlfriend.

p/s: idk who sent this. i just re-wrote this shit. as requested. anyways, thank you. for whatever we both has gone thru and the memories still lingers. lets just remember all the good times and let the bad times slip away?

disappointments.

i always have this series of thoughts - leaving everything behind and never comeback. but, in the end of the day, after all things has been said and done. i wake up and keep telling myself. dont, just dont. whatever u do, whatever these people do. this is all u got left.

and i dont know why. i keep coming back. i keep fighting for these people i call, disappointments. those who didnt work hard enuf. those who dont have the heart or even half the heart to do things. even for themselves.

i need to learn to say no. i need to leave, people and things behind. as they drag me along down their road. bring me down. they need to learn to fight for themselves instead people fighting for them.

will u guys stand up for urself? will u fight for ur own cause? will u fight for somebody else?

i want something for myself too. theres things i want to chase too. and theres a lot i want to achieve too. but u people seems to dragging me down the lane.

i need to learn how to break hearts. i definitely need to learn to disappoint others as they are doing the same thing, to me. for so long, after so many times, so many years.

hello december, a long lengthy post - part two : PD trip

organized a trip to PD with my bois last weekend. i think they deserve this. weekend gateaway. actually tradisi ni dari zaman kcr lagi, so i think i'll pass down this tradition down to the twt_dota boys. and i needed the break too. since i have been working non-stop since mid-nov up till now.

theres time when my brain stops functioning, when logics and thinking objectively doesnt work nemore, and when the time comes where i cant take it anymore. all of those things, things in between, things those hidden from those people, is getting at me. swallowing me whole. consuming whatever it wants in its wake. make me feel worthless. makes me want to give up after putting up with so many shits, chings and chongs.

and yeah, thank you bois. for the early birthday celebration. i havent gave it a thought myself. rupanya dah dekat. its rare for me or people to celebrate my own birthday. even dekat opis pun i didnt tell anybody about who am i, where i am from, those details..ya know.

tgh sedap panggang2 ayam, tiba2 ada cake pastu ramai2 nyanyi. wuuu teharu :((

serendipity

oh look! bbq pardy!

taa-dah!

my birthday cake. hehe thank you ^_^

#30mandotobois

a very rare pic. HAHAHAH!

hello december, a long lengthy post - part one

hi, i have been very super busy lately. feels like im living thru my deg years all over again. i barely sleeps at night. only 3-4 hours per night. juggling btwn work, social life, charity, events, community, and shits. i dont even have time for myself. look at me. look me in the eye and tell me that i need haircut. iron my shirts and eat properly.

anyway, i just got myself transfered. to cyberjaya. its been a while since my last transfer. actually i asked for batu pahat. so i can look over my family. my dad isnt that healty nemore. few things happened. and we all staying strong as a family. and for now, theres nobody to look over my mom too. so as the eldest son i have to go back and watch over things. but theres nothing yet on the request. and im definitely going to cyberjaya next jan.

i learn so many things here. and so many things from people too. and i thanked each and everyone of u for that. its been a rough year for me, for my family, and i guess u guys too.

and responsibility isnt as easy as its spelled. theres so much to be done, to be scarified, u'll learn theres things u must let go, theres things that u wont be able to fulfill, and yet be grateful for everysingle thing that happened. theres a reason why it happen on the first place.

after all, at this point, we take whatever that we could, just to be happy, right?

SOX2014 - grandfinal : chings, chongs.

malasnya nak menulis. nah gambar je. boleh tak?

brackets

team elysian legacy

koyakbois + 4 stand ins

preparing for the game

cosplayers

twt_dota admins and its minions :D

happy birthday, mom

happy birthday mom :)

those people who matters the most

akhirnya setelah penat bekerja selama 22 hari tanpa henti, dapat juga aku rehat on weekend. the boys ada tourney sox under celcom. 2 team, koyakbois and elysian legacy (anis). so why not throw them a party? oh btw they all manage to go to the grandfinal! yeah good job bois see u guys on the 22 & 23 at kenanga whole sale mall!

and theres a lot of work needed to be done. road to grandfinals is not that easy. keep that momentum, composure, train a lot and hope all of those efforts pays off :)

btw i didnt get the chance to thank tuan rumah hatim, thanks to those yg datang, tak tau la sedap ke tidak cukup ke terlebih ke makan ke apa, thanks yg datang support budak2 ni yang tolong aku masak apa semua n yg datang sokong diorang kat tropicana sana

tenkiu twt_dota admins sebab datang sana cover aku. tak dan nak juggle sana sini akdasasasdl

ok dah. enjoice the gambar2

lamb. coffee lamb with special bbq sauce, lamb roast and rosemary sprinkled on top. peppers and shits. marinated at least 6 hours. later bila bakar, sapu dgn balance sos n madu yang di cairkan dengan air. panggang sampai lemak dia caramelized and angkat. tadah!

coffee lamb, 50 hotdawgs, 60 pieces of wings, thigh and drumsticks marinated with spicy herbs with bla bla bla. mango pudding by naemah, bihun goreng by nas. and special ribena cocktail with sprite and mint leaves. nyum nyum. 30 hungry demons to be fed that night.

minions, minions everywhere.

belom apa2 dah bodoh

koyakbois stressful moments.

their 1st game. versus 322ddz (not ddz himself lelz)

kat ruang tamu 1st

ruang tamu 2nd

tukang panggang ayam. aku dah flat duduk dalam jela rasa mcm nak mampus dah seharian

them bois matters the most. #20mandoto #30manbbq

iFag!

never a fan of iphone or whatsoevershit. but i got this phone for free. so..why not? after 3 weeks of using i found that iphone is not that good compared to android in few aspects.

battery - sehari 3 jam kena charge
whatsapp - sigh tak boleh copy this copy that takde function search.
extras - motion/eye detector takde.

tu jela takat ni kekurangan dia. menang tang ios je sebab exclusive. lain semua. biasa

#TheLoveRosieChallenge

so me and my boys hangout last friday and we talk about this one particular movie. Love Rosie. which a chick-flick novel (obviously) i read the book and found whoa movie, why not. so since everybody is pretty much fucked up and single, so we decide to challenge each other in #TheLoveRosieChallenge

the rules :

1. ask a girl out. the girl must be out from the known-circle, not gf/scandal, preferable the one who u rarely talks to. ya know. or a total stranger is good too.

2. ask her to watch this movie. idk how are u going to do this, and i hope u would get one. participant must upload the screenshot/evidence of the invitation and u guys can hide the name. chasing-game chat screenshot is a must!

3. when the day happens, take a picture of ur current time, the movie ticket, and the girl. and post in the group/ twitter for bragging rights.

4. there, ur done. gratz for man-ing up! and probably .... (ya know what will happen next)

so the 4 rules must be fulfilled. theres no sort of prize or incentive of doing this. and i would post about my experience in another post.

p/s : already got a date :p, on 2 nov. and its quite special i tell u. till the next post! ja!

fact about sad, lines and everything in btween

awh. FML

1436 - Kalendar Hijrah

harapnya saya tidak terlambat untuk mengucapkan salam maal hijrah kepada semua rakan-rakan. tak banyak pun saya minta untuk tahun baru ni. mengharapkan yang baik-baik sahaja untuk diri sendiri dan rakan-rakan.

tapi apalah harapan tanpa usaha? apalah usaha tanpa percaya? tanyalah diri masing2 :)

birthday wishlist :(

bae nak plis bae...plis la..tak mahal pun..taknak dua-dua salah satu je...plis :(((

invictus gaming headset from steelseries - Serbia v2

look at the mouse..wuuuu lawanyaaaaa

not so lengthy post.

last week was hellish. not so busy but im kinda involved in a lot of things. from helping a friend going to her hardest moment of losing his other half, and me losing a very good friend from uniten era to pissed everybody of with my uncontrollable rage towards things. things that i wish, i could explain. things what i wish i could write and make u understand. but basically, we all, manage to go thru that one hell of a kind of week.

i am so sorry for my actions and behavior. i know i am very hot-headed and very ego-maniac at times. i really lost it that time. due to the nature that i am..always right everytime..

friday.

malas nak type panjang2. tangan tgh kebas sebab sejuk hari ujan. tak properly healed lagi pun tangan aku ni saded

thank you mimi for the satey treat. this is all i had now. my boys. the boys.

the boys. suka betul dapat satey. they fight they have dispute but they are still brothers from another mother.

and that night i am the 1st who manage to complete Shisha Kepala Bana customer loyalty card. yay!

front design of the card

saturday

jadi tikus putih merasa brownies dia buat. sedap. siyes. cuma kena bake lama sikit so biar krunchy sikit. and later that night i went to watch UM Mock Trial with those people who matters the most - jerol kalap bell farmi tekk jeeva and kinda funny sebab bae semua orang bail last minute. bae farmi je datang. rasa loser la sebab farmi pon dah ada bae sekarang. kah kah kah. oh ya din manjong came and we have a very good time. me and jerol dah make up semua. catching up and the bad news came late night. i have to work tmr morning. esoknya mak datang nak tgk kawan dia kat hospital n din pun tumpang tido. rasa cam adei apa la aku suruh orang dtg rumah tapi aku takde.

sunday

i was force to come to work in shalam (which is not a very bad day pun actually). rupanya ada event depavali and pasar tani. walaweiii banyak betul jelitawan yg datang sini pepagi memberikan senyuman semanis suria wuuu. dan terus bertukar dari pasar tani ke hari jelitawaan shalam. kahkahkah. and dalam kerja tak ikhlas tu. adalah sorang self proclaimed jelitawan ni ajak pegi bekfest. cool down la jugak pagi tu takde la marah2.

cas-cas jelitawan tapi tak mandi pagi. kakakaka

ja!

Killing Me

the best song to describe what is currently happening to me.

sigh and sorry guys, i let u guys down tonight with my actions. yes i am fully aware of my actions tonight and i am sorry. it wont happen again and i let all of my emotions and anger get the best out of me.

i didnt think this thing would take its toll on me this...hard..sigh i feel like screaming my lungs out yelling at both you and him but i cant. because i led for this to happen.

goodnight.

Lay your weapons down and turn around,
Don't stop now baby just keep on walking.
You keep foolin' around treating me like your clown,
I kept my composure, kept believing.

And it's true, you fancy me, like the guy who's always there for you.
Now I'm through, find someone new,
I wish that you'd find someone new.

Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding me?
I keep giving you the signals but you just don't see,

That you're killing me,
That you're killing me,
I keep giving you the signals but you just don't see,

And you, and me, head out for the city lights,
Maybe this could be the night.
That we, that we're gonna get it right,
Probably not because.

We, are, stand, ding, at, the, bar, ha, ving, a, good, time,
Laughing, joking, and foolin' around.

All the sudden,
This guy comes up to you,
Ignores me, and starts to talk to you,
Grabs your hand, than you go dancing,
On the dance floor you start kissing.
And I'm looking at you; yeah I'm looking at you.
Tell me what am I suppose to do.

Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding me?
I keep giving you the signals but you just don't see,

That you're killing me,
That you're killing me,
I keep giving you the signals but you just don't see,

And maybe we've gone just a little to far,
Maybe I should just not see you anymore.
And maybe we've known each other too long,
Won't you tell me babe, cause I'm confused.
And maybe we've gone just a little to far,
Maybe I should just not see you anymore.
And maybe we've known each other too long,

Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding me?
I keep giving you the signals but you just don't see,

That you're killing me,
That you're killing me,
I keep giving you the signals but you just don't see,

Are you kidding me,
Are you kidding me,
Are you kidding me,
Are you kidding me,
Girl your killing me.
Girl your killing me.
Girl your killing me.
Girl your killing me.

game over - part one

"somebody : i wont let u upset of this

me : dont, and i wont. hahaha, cmon, apa lagi yang boleh buat kayum upset?

somebody : amboi confidentnya dia :)"

i consider myself as damaged goods. i am just another page that you go thru without noticing much. just like whats written in today newspaper. and you just dont break whats already broken. at this point of life, at this kind of age, theres nothing much left that cud surprise me in anyway. im sick and im twisted, im broken and you cant fix it.

i waste all of this self on and get nothing in return. i dont hope, anymore. i live with this day-to-day objective basis. and the only thing i am afraid of is..waking up early in the morning, with nothing or nobody to fight for..

i tried to get myself involved in another series of relationship(?) right after you. but it seems like i cannot run away from what happened before (my past) and what is going to happen next. its too complicated and i end up..mood-less. found myself in the nothing-ness of this deep void that you left me with. but idk. too many things in between. this one friend, your ex is my bestest bro, you again and the whole...circle. wont be that smooth sailing if its going to happen already and all of these "what-if" scenario if it turn sour.

so keep myself in the trees(dota jokes - hyhy "i told you to stay in the trees) so i hold back. i hold back so hard until i didnt make a move at all. i was stuck in this endless loop of sequence. i dont know for how long i would be stuck in this endless cycle of loop. god knows. and ya know..bad things comes in packages.

there. for now. idk when is the 2nd part is going to be written or publish as i already had like 21 post that i kept in the draft but were never posted.

ja!

game over yum. game over

WWE Kuala Lumpur

its been almost 12 years since WWE last datang malaysia. and i dont want this to be another regret in my life for not being able to attend. so bought the ticket at the very last minute. it was spectacular. jauh beza mcm tgk dalam tv. chanting CENA SUCK, LETS GO CENA CENA SUCKS, YES! YES! YES! YES! #YesMovement, whut, CM PUNK! and all sorts of chant...its just out of this world. so here goes.

the ticket

big e/kofi kingston

AJ blackwidow-ing paige and won the match

los matadores with el torito, OLE!

KO punch by big show. Bray Wyatt meets his doom

The White Warrior Shemus!

John Cena with a chair shot to Seth Rollins

John Cena's Attitude Adjustment from 2nd rope

kitaran

the give. the take. the mend. the break.

and in the middle of it, came the silence, the pull, the push, the pain and the reward.

and the cycle goes on

dad

i have been texting my dad since last 2 weeks. something happen. something bad. not only to him. to my family. i think he took most of the blow by himself, until he turns to me, telling me stuffs. which we never really talk about.

me being his son,
hes being my dad.

after all these years, 27 years. he finally turns to me. asking me to do things on his behalf. and yeap. he really need all the help he can right now. and i am doing all i can to help him to ease things up. i am used to be angry all the time to him before. all the times when i needed him the most. him actually play his role as a dad. i didnt get the chance..growing up alone, being jealous all the time because he treats my younger bros better than he shud be treating me

as i grow up, i learn to forgive, and i realize, hes doing all he can to provide. and all of the anger, all of those hate, jealously was no longer there, inside of me. and came to understand. i might be end up like him.

for now, all i can do is to help him recover his spirit, look for my bros, look for my mom and make sure he goes to work as he shud. tak pernah pun abah mcm ni. and i realize when he turns to me for help, yeap.. this is the time.

currently, i am reconsidering my thoughts about moving back to batu pahat. transfer sana. to look after my mom yg sensorang kat sana. susah sebenarnya. kalau takde kosong pun satu hal..aih. nantilah fikir.

ja, until next time.

updates, updates, updates!

tangan dah semakin sembuh. tinggal satu sesi last fisio.
punishment lifted. now im back in business
sugar-cut-off diet is on going. sekarang dah jadi rutin instead of jadual.
probably, slowly taking control of things, and currently jadi ketua keluarga.

ja!

#wordlesswednessday 23

ask me about my video games achievements!

#wordlesswednesday22

#RelationshipGoals. cey...

#wordlesswednesday21

won.der.milk

won.her.milk.

won.the.milk

p/s: sudikah awak jadi teman lunch dgn dinner saya sampai hujung dunia?

motive

theres nothing much to be told. truth is, im having a pretty bad week. again with my job, stuffs. and i pretty much cant handle things besides myself. and i am going to start my 3 month training at local outlets, yes. u heard me. 3 months of penalty because of my behavior during last meeting. i didnt fuck up. all i did is, i said something about the truth and nature of being in a consumerism lines and its corruptions and it backfires. i dont mind. NOT

anyway. they took away almost everything from me. my projects, my awards, my medal, my everything. i have been working on this one project on semenyih area. idk how to say, but sigh...i build it from scratch..everything..and they took it away from me...

my heart, was broken. im losing my mind. i am losing each and every bit of my mind and sanity. and besides, these few days..things happen in my family. all my life, i never see anything like this, or experience things like this.

idk i shud be sharing this or not. but this did made me cry my heart out the whole day.

27 years of living, and this is the 1st time he said sorry. and i know the word "dad, abah, ayah and so on" with its truest meaning. and i know theres a lot going in his mind right now. and i shudnt be any burden to him right now. and all i gotta do is to help him, help my family go thru this bad times.

gotta stay strong ya know. gotta keep it straight. keep my head up, keep my heart strong. and how i wish, my family is just like any other ordinary family. dad-son relationship. mother-daughter. ya know. the usual stuffs.

i think this is it for now. i am going to sleep and thr starts my 3 month training/punishment or whatever it is. all i gotta to is to survive, 9-5. issit so hard?

adrenaline

bloodshot against the clear blue sky
tick tock i think my well is running dry

my my
i cant lie
i need a shot again, that sweet adrenaline.

dead scared cause im fearless in the head,
bang! bang! cause the needle's in the red!

my my
i cant lie
i need that shot again. that sweet adrenaline.

my sweet adrenaline

my 2014 raya story.

went back to batu pahat on friday, pukul 3 pagi. settlekan kete dia takde battery, beli jumper, jumper taik tak support. last2 tukar bateri 2 kali baru jalan, tu pon memekak sebab alarm tick off bila tanggal bateri. try punya try boleh pun. pukul 6 pagi sampai, lepas tu terus out sampai ke tgh hari.

and my raya was ok la, not bad. probably raya yg meaningful. since i manage to fix things with my old best friend, attufah, and actually hang out with him, and ya know, do some boys stuffs. thanks to TK san, yg arrange. and probably thanks to the green stuffs, because u got me talking there, buddy.

and here goes my raya history with those JG guys history :

2012 - 12 people around.

2013 - 8 people around.

2014 - theres fuken 2 ppl at the open house. HAHAHAHA

and yes, tradisi, legasi sebagai budak kampung parit besar, malam raya kami akan buat bbq, dengan abu, safik, bob and those people who matters, to me, the most. pictures below.

and this year my long long long long lost uncle yg currently stay kat brunei comeback and sambut raya dgn family mak. mcm blessing juga la. bond yg lama putus sebab benda2 remeh is now ok, cleared the air dgn adik beradik lain, kumpul ramai2 family belah mak, family belah abah pun. things is kinda ok. ok la raya ni. since tak ramai kawan yg balik time raya ni, aku banyak spend masa teman mak aku p beraya, pegi la rumah sedara mara yg aku lama dah tak pegi/tak ingat jalan. its cool i guess, berjalan dgn ur mom, talking to ur uncles and pakcik yg tak berapa kita nak borak sangat eventho mende2 la diorang borak, layan je. kita bukan budak dah bila orang datang beraya tido, masuk bilik or tgk tivi tak geti bercampur orang.

terasa adult dan mewakili keluarga tiba2 sebab i am the 1st son, and adik beradik gua semua rancak berkonvoi beraya sini sana. tinggal la aku sensorang kat umah memisang, mereput..transport takde, motor dah 3 bulan tersadai, tangan cacat. sigh, sad, sad.

and anyway, selamat hari raya, maaf zahir batin, minta halal apa yang aku terlebih terkurang selama ini kalau ada, atau aku tak perasan. harap masih sempat >.<