i found one fb status from sukan star regarding theres this one fella lapar, 3 hari tak makan. and he curi duit tabung masjid or whateverlah and leave a note to justify his actions.
so. to think that hes that desperate sampai kena mencuri ni sebenarnya overpity je kat mamat ni. kalau nak cakap isu susah, tak habis. aku faham erti susah.aku pernah je tinggal rm 10 dalam kocek and kena fikir nak makan ke nak isi minyak. kalau aku makan, esok aku tak pergi kerja kalau takde minyak, kalau aku isi minyak aku kebuloq tak makan.
tapi kita jangan approach isu ni mcm tu. kita fikir dari segi etika. kau sanggup mencuri ke dari meminta? malu sangat ke kalau pegi kedai makan, cakap elok2 dgn tauke kedai tu yg kita dah tak makan 3 hari, takde duit. nanti ada duit ganti balik, kedai tu tak lari kemana, kita pun tak lari kemana kat situ. tapi dia sanggup curi duit masjid n letak note. ini yang aku tak faham. kau sanggup mencuri duit surau, tapi tak sanggup nak tebalkan muka pegi minta makan.
jgn cakap aku tak pernah rasa susah, jgn cakap aku tak pernah berebut makanan dgn adik beradik aku ke kawan2. jgn pernah cakap aku tak pernah rasa susah dan terdesak. semua orang pernah rasa. tapi cara dia curi duit tabung masjid, lepas tu cara orang2 kita simpati dengan dia lepas tu kaitkan semua dgn socio-eco-politik ni dah keterlaluan. bodoh sangat.
itulah dia zaman sekarang ni. the age of convergence. the age modernization, yet we all so gooddamn stupid. we tend to make it viral before we found solutions. we are no longer interested in being civilized anymore. the people awards society worst and turn them in to celebrities while making fun of the weak people. this isnt the world that i know anymore.
technologies turns us lazy, stupid, senseless and leave us vulnerable. new things, new discovery and new challenges. and if we keep on going like this, i dont think that we deserve to live anymore in this earth.
what the hell is wrong in this world.
towards the end of the year.
qayyum's weekly mixtape 3
hi, here goes the 3rd qayyum's weekly mixtape :
1. the top box - the letter
2. shawn mendes - stitches
3. sheppard - geroni
4. bob schneider - big blue sea
ja!
a thing or two about mainstreamed things
i have this thing or kind of feeling regarding things. how do i put this. ya know. today's trend. be it tv shows, musics, technology, name it.
last time i stop watching the walking dead because it became too extreme, and i stop watching n playing video games because it was too mainstream too. some punks came out of nowhere and start this hype, stupid hype actually and hes not the real thing. acah2 cas2 poyo and makes me wanna puke.
so i stop doing cool things or stop watching or listen to mainstreamed things because to me, it has lost its unique-ness and dah tak exclusive anymore.
hah!
thank god i watched breaking bad long ago before it was mainstream these days.
fuck you wannabies
qayyum's weekly mixtape - 2
ok guys sorry for the long hiatus, and lets cut it short, here goes the list - 2nd qayyumx's mix tape
1. estranged - inginkan kau
2. deepset - every album
3. faul & wad - changes
4. the soft pack - answer to yourself
5. mindy jones - where is my mind
6. flip garter - oh my word
there u go. enjoy!
where the hell i've been?
psychotic
i keep having weird dreams about being chased. i dont know what the hell is wrong with my head. once i dream about getting owned by my own gadgets. up to the point where my phone knocking on my door, asking me if i would like to read whatsapps texts or not.
these things are alive. tf
penat
semua orang dalam dunia ni penat. betul. serius tak tipu.
the truth is, kita semua penat. reaching certain age, certain moment, kita ni nothing more than an army of broken heart and aching soul. and part yg paling jahat is, we want more, tapi kita terlalu penat. kita penat asik dalam situasi sama, tapi takut nak move forward.
dunia yg kita tinggal skarang ni thankless, endlessly trying and scarcely rewarding.
kenkadang tak tahu apa yg kita penatkan, tapi apa yg aku boleh simpulkan is -
u are tired of loving too much. care too much. give too much pada dunia yg sebenarnya tak return back apa yg kita bagi. kita penat invest dekat benda yang takde outcome yg definite. penat pada uncertainties.
plus broken heart here, unkept/fulfilled promise there.
one thing about all of these ramblings is - aku embrace this :
some part of life, happen quietly, slowly
happen sebab apa yg kita buat, kita pillih. small careful choices yg kita consider hari2, slow2 buat kita jadi better person-version
and jgn penah rasa lemah. penat kita bersebab. semua sebab tu betul tak salah. kita penat sbb its supposed to be
penat sebab kita growing up. penat sebab kita cuba tuk make a change. someday, u'll see.
sekian, sedikit nasihat untuk mereka yg merasakan diorang dah habis source untuk go thru all over again
drag me to lombok
ohai there. its been a week since my last visit here, i have been busy visiting place, traveling. hihi. oh ya i went to handorf and lombok, gili trawangan. yes u are right. the island of komodo dragons!
went there for a week, memula rasa mcm indon mesti tak best, mcm jakarta n shit, tapi i were wrong. sebaliknya amat tenang. chill je. dari 1st time aku jejak kaki kat airport dia. sampailah ke trawangan. the air is good, tak mcm phuket, krabi or samui. hijau saja merata-rata. abit panas, biasalah iklim tropika plus aku baru balik dari handorf n tgh baru2 nak spring itu hari.
and yeah. apa yg aku perasan orang lombok ni lembut2. no wonder anak gadis mesia senang kena game bawa lari pegi sini (trivial) kakaka. anyway, berikut adalah sisipan gambar beserta sedikit karangan pendek sebagai caption ^_^
sampai di jeti sengigi, naik speed boat dari sini, 100k pertip, direct, tiada orang lain kecuali group kamu. kalau nak naik boat biasa, 15k aje. tapi naiklah ramai2 bot kayu slow tu. and taxi dari airport ke jeti sengigi is around 280k per car. so kongsi2 lah, murah la juga
#toys4kidz @ twt_dota
bismillah hir rahman nir rahim.
haa kalini kami di twt_dota kembali dengan program kemasyarakatan. sebenarnya ni spin-off program je pun dari program asal #toys4kidzIV. saja nak tambah funds. so here it is, i present to you the poster.
ada 4 program :
overthrow games.
captains mode.
pudge wars
10 vs 10
setiap penyertaan adalah berharga rm 10, dan kesemua sumbangan yg kami terima akan disalurkan kepada program #toys4kidzIV dan akan digunakan untuk membeli barangan (goodie bag). dalam goodie bags tu akan ada items seperti :
soft drinks
soft toys
magazine
coloring book
color/crayons
and few more items.
jadi diharapkan agar sumbangan daripada kalian semua dapat membantu adik-adik yg kurang bernasib baik ni, lets put a smile on their face, lets play video games and sambil2 menderma. kepada mereka yang nak derma lebih pon boleh, di alu-alukan.
qayyum's weekly mixtape - 1
i think i want to start a new themed post - and i'll name it qayyum's weekly mixtape and i'll share new music that i accidentally discover/heard in the movies.
lately i have been watching a lot of movies, some movies ada sountrack yg sedap2 which sebenarnya nobody pun gives a damn, but here goes, the 1st week list of qayyum's weekly mixtape vol 1.
this week mixtape consist of 6 artist.
1. Nathan hermida - sure thing (original song - miguel with the same title, btw nathan hermida - the voice contestant)
2. Coldplay - us againts the world
3. Kelsia Bellarini - love me like you mean it
4. Zebra - beach house
5. Born - 10,000 Emerald Pools
6. Bil Musa - every single song on her EP. check her out :D
updates, mid sept-oct
1. #toys4kidzIV
its been a while since CP group buat any charity program. and yeap we're back again after a several years of hiatus with this #toys4kidzIV, and this year its a bit different, we no longer ask for soft toys donation and stuffs, and the idea now is to ask for donations and buy 1 tshirt from us just for rm 35 ringgit. click on the picture to find more about our charity program. and feel free to ask me about anything regarding the program.
2. #TJLANPARTY3
alhamdulillah #TJLANPARTY3 ended few weeks back. its was a successful event. breaking the trending topic for 2 days, got a lot good publicity about this event and surely one of a kind. this year format is totally different from the previous two tjlanparty, with the qualifier round introduces, giving it TI-feels for amateur player and new comers. and surely we'll return next year with more surprises. thank you to those who contribute their energy, time and passion to make #TJLANPARTY3 possible.
love u guys.
morning musings because i am dead bored
I.
i always like this kind of atmosphere where everything is really calm before the storm finally came. currently i am sitting on my chair, looking out of the window. im bored, dead bored. i have been working so hard, so goddamn hard till theres nothing more to be done before 12. and here i am, writing this bullshit or bullcrap or whatever u guys want to call them.
i always thought that by taking some time off from things, would buy me more time to do other things. in fact, i was wrong. theres still things needed to be done. once u've finished with this one thing, another thing came in. and the cycle keeps on repeating itself. currently retiring from all of those dota n twt_dota thingy, datang pula benda lain.
jadi sebenarnya mcm mana kita nak bebaskan diri dari tanggungjawab. i mean, for once, i want to sleep without having things to think about before i sleep, and after i sleep. i dont want to answer this and that, or talk to people. i just want to relax and do my things without thinking about other people. i want to live on my own, for now. u know, talk to the same people everyday. the same thing, routine. i feel like i should disappear. i feel like i should stand far far away and only watch. but i couldnt resist that. maybe i am not that kind of person to begin with.
its not that i didnt try. i did. mom, and few more other people keep on asking me, why didnt u rply, are u busy, are they bothering u till u didnt rply anything. idk what to say to them. i wish i cudda've answer - "malas nak rply, penat, i am busy cant u see? im outside enjoying life that i should have" - all of these kind of answers without buat diorang terasa or mad at me. i know u people care, but for now, gimme some space to breathe. let me have sometime for myself. ya know, i have been working 26 days non stop and only had my break on merdaka and the day after before i start working 9 am - 10 pm including weekend.
II.
i am currently texting this one girl. but the only thing that i've said in our texts is mainly - goodnight wishes, morning, daily routine shits and i dont think that we established anything or any conversation till she said it herself (omg malunya), or barely talk about things. i want to get to know her but i think i am just bothering her and stuffs. shit. i am a boring person. i am a robot. with all of these code of conducts, protocols, timing and shit i dont think im gonna last like this. i lack confidence. i would love to ask more and get to know her deeper. im hoping for nothing but i really really want to get to know her. but im afraid that she has the wrong idea about me already. haih.
partly bcos im no longer fun. partly bcos i only text her when only i had my free time, partly bcos of the timezone differences and the way this conversation is virtually done, so theres not much i can do. HAIH LAH. and i dont know what to say asdkjasdlkasdhasd help me on this one. man i suck
III.
i feel a bit betrayed and disappointed with people. i mean, how could u judge me based on a public twitter account where i appointed some people to take care of the account. after all we been thru and after all of those things were said and done, suddenly we're not friends anymore? am i not worthy enough to be ur friend? do u have to judge me based on one twitter account after all of those things that i've done, we've done all these years? cmon man u've hurt me. u've hurt my feelings. i didnt do any of that to u. we cudda've talk like adult would. i cudda've retaliate the same way u did to me but i didnt because i dont want to hurt anybody's feeling over stupid matter. people with different views, hobbies, preferences boleh co-exist kot. but whe we choose to build up those walls for a reason seems so small? does it worth the hate?
bukan nak cakap diri sendiri best, bukan nak bangga siri ke apa. but selagi ada daya, selagi aku mampu, selagi boleh, i will be there for u. eventho i already know, mostly they wont be there when i needed them the most, i still want to be there for u. call me stupid call me dumb. but i am not that kind of ass when it comes to the term loyal, companion, and shit. i always put others before myself. always did, always do never failed to do so. tell me something, where am i when u needed me the most that time. and ask urself, where are u when i needed u the most? am i there? i am not? kinda makes me sad that time, but this is not the 1st time this kind of thing happened. people have different ego and different approach, but nevermind, life goes on.
IV.
being an adult sucks. responsibility sucks. living life sucks.
lawak studios
bond
i used to put so much hope on people. no matter how many times they would get fucked up over and over, i will always try my best to be there for them.
and usually not that many would stood up for me when i needed them the most. not even the smallest/simplest thing could be done.
so ask this question to yourself.
"where are you, when he/she need you, as he would have done the same thing, to you?"
jealous
I'm jealous of the rain
That falls upon your skin
It's closer than my hands have been
I'm jealous of the rain
I'm jealous of the wind
That ripples through your clothes
It's closer than your shadow
Oh, I'm jealous of the wind, cause
I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me
I'm jealous of the nights
That I don't spend with you
I'm wondering who you lay next to
Oh, I'm jealous of the night
I'm jealous of the love
Love that was in here
Gone for someone else to share
Oh, I'm jealous of the love, cause
beauty
beauty is a beguiling call to death, and im addicted to the sweet pitch of its siren.
that, starts sweet, end bitter. and that, which starts bitter, ends sweet
and you can always paint the rose red, my friend
you're beautiful. and you're confusing.
you're illogical and you're amazing.
and i've seen the world.
its overrated
until you're everything
i have nothing.
but empty space
raya, post raya, during puasa stuffs.
raya, again
i've seen a lot of post about raya. mostly about raya tak best, raya boring, raya this, raya that. makes me smile when i try to recall about whats raya means to me.
i am just like u, going to the same phase/process of life. i find raya is boring when i was at ur age. and here i am, today, raya is one of the things that i look forward to. besides a short brief of holiday, every raya does mean something to me, as u grow up older another year, leaving it all behind.
when i was just about ur age, raya doesnt seems important to me. apatah lagi puasa. just like any other normal days to me. cuma tak makan bila time puasa, raya tu jumpa family members salam2 pastu dah. tido. ada rezeki dapatlah duit raya. lepas tu nak cepat2 balik uni. raya bosan.
tapi after few years, puasa/raya does have its personal meanings to me. as i grow up, i have very little time to spend with my family. and one by one, my friends are getting married and have their own family. people who i love the most, people who i spend my entire life growing up with, people who i consider the closest after my own siblings, people who were there when i need them the most and vice versa. perhaps u guys had this kind of relationship with ur friends. to me, this bond, will last forever. and as i grow up, i didnt even had any chance to meet em, have drinks together, share stories, catching up and stuffs. i barely had time for all of these. apatah lagi punya masa nak balik ke kampung jenguk mak abah dgn kawan2.
i miss them. i do, really. i wish that i am young again. i wish that i could hangout with my mates again, like the old times. but honestly, right now, with the current busy lifestyle and sorts - i cant. they all have their own lives to live and the only chance that i have to meet them - raya. i believe they felt the same as i did. besides, i get to enjoy raya as an adult. instead of student/kids. so i can learn how to mix and mingle with other adults, perhaps get to know my family members even further.
kinda sad tgk generasi zaman ni. raya ke tak raya ke sama je bagi diorang. smart phones, tablets, internet. totally a different meaning terhadap raya to them. they no longer want to talk to the elders, apatah lagi tegur sesama cousin etc. ngadap fon, suruh buat itu tak tau, ini tak tau, berapa sangat la yg tahu. rumah makcik2 lagi la entah zaman bila last melawat tak tau. see? how can u say raya ni not happy? kalau ada internal family conflict tu aku tak dapat la nak cakap apa, but try to find a way to settle.
my aunt and her son passed away late may, and her death somehow affected whole family. another member gone. i was close to her, but bila dah adult ni aku pun jarang balik, sedih rasa sbb tak dapat jumpa dah. and i hope u people do cherish ur family and try to spend time together when u have the chance to do so.
so semua ni based on my personal experience lah, as a family-bond-oriented kind of person. my raya was awesome, but i take it for granted. and i hope walau tak best mana pun raya anda, please at least try to find the happiness during this festive season?
so, hows your raya last year? care to share?
p/s : please be safe during this festive season as people travel back to their hometown, busy on the road and everything, take care of urself aight? penat rehat, tido. tukar driver, jgn laju2, biar lambat asal selamat. and kalau nak jimat, carpool lah balik kampung :D selamat hari raya, maaf zahir batin
another dota ramblings.
i have been playing dota and involved with dota since i was 15 years old. i have been playing under alot of teams (amateur-semi pro) for a very long period of time, from being a core role to support, captain and coach back and forth and now i am playing with a new team (meet joe black) in some sort of amateur-semi pro tournaments and league. currently won a wildcard place in #TJLANPARTY3 and hoping we could get into the lan finals in august
besides that, i am also working as an admin for twt_dota malaysia, and currently doing a few projects with esports malaysia back to back, organized a lot of official and unofficial dota tournaments and leagues, a newbie/newcomer caster in the scene and part time dota-analyst of my own.
dota have evolved into something new that even i, an old timer have problem digesting their new meta-plays and strategy. and new comers these days, those youngster could easily bring u down with their aggressive plays. and dota is going global. look at the internationals. entering its 5th time. and the current prize pool right now is around 15 million. how can u say no to this?
knowing that my time and era is almost over, i always want to do something to help esports (personally dota) to bloom in our country. that is one of the reason why i started twt_dota. and with the establishment of esm (esportsmalaysia), i hope we could achieve this dream.
theres not much i could offer and do besides my time and experience playing/handling dota events n related things. but the reason why i am writing this is because i want to say that i am going to slow down and focus in my career. i know its has been a few times before i announce my retirement. from taking down my own offical account and such, and again with a comeback, and another announcement blablabla, and dont take this wrong, retiring - doesnt mean that i will stop playing dota n stop getting myself involved in any area/aspects of dota. its just i want to slow down and focus on other things. and partly because of my career/day job. my supervisor knows about my involvement with these dota thingy and few more afterwork activities and he gave me few advice. maybe he wants me to reconsider my involvement in dota. which one is more important. more or less likely, yes i admit, my involvement affects my performance at work. sleeping late night, waking up early, loss of focus. lack of involvement in the office. and few more other things.
twt_dota and tjlanparty is now being passed on to new faces, and meet joe black will be disbanded after tjlanparty3. idk if they are going to stay together and find a replacement for me. but yeah. this is my 1st time joining and playing with new faces and not bad actually. switching my role from mid to offlane gives me new perspective about the game and change the way i approach the game as a whole. i started reading on the discussions (patch updates), watch a lot of vods, replays, study about cm games in depth. just like a football whos managing epl teams does. yes, it is that serious.
and i planned to gradually slowing and minimizing myself in dota after both tjlanparty3 and the international 5. slowly, finding a replacement to take my place and train them so they can continue what have i started long ago. yeap. i think, this is it. this is where i stop.
the best of me
i could forget your name
i could forget your face forever
i could forget about the smile you always faked
the one you thought I bought, but never
i could forget your lies
i could forget to hide for always
i could forget how desperately you tried
flattery would get you nowhere
i could forget how you had tried to get the best of me
i could forget your pride
i could forget your wandering eyes
i could forget about the way you made me feel
you talk to me so condescending
i could forget how you had tried to get the best of me
you'll never forget that you never got me
self reflect
its been a while. and maybe its time to reset the course. and maybe somehow..someday..ah nevermind.
if its not too much to ask. just let me sink in the peaceful times forever.
situations
its the end of the line. for both you and i. we tried our best. no matter how hard i try, no matter how far i would go for you. it doesnt make the cut for both of us. distance is a major factor, and partly because we didnt know each other like really really really know each other from the very beginning.
i know i had this difficult past that i need to deal with. theres few she and few friends that you shouldnt really take it seriously. they mean no harm, and nobody, nothing to you. this jealousy is like a disease. you cant make me choose between you and those people. i cant go back home everytime you want me there.
i too, sometimes blame myself for having a life like this. i tried. i always wanted to live normally, peacefully just like the rest of us. i tried not to have any more ties with those twitter people. i even abandon some of them. what else do you want from me?
so i think lets stop right here. now. before we both get hurt, again, badly. maybe were never really meant to be together, no matter how hard, how far we tried. were just like 2 last piece of puzzle what wont fit.
sigh..
our desire for attention overshadowed our needs to be loved. back then, were just two individuals who desires for attention, not love. look at us. were connected more than before but it feels so wrong, so far, disconnected. both at heart and mind.
awak, we are no longer young. and we both cant afford any fuckups at this point of life. and thats why i failed to see our future together. i just cant see what is going to happen next. and its no longer fun when we both fight over silly stupid things. we supposed to treat silly jokes as jokes, not a licence to sulk and idk how sometimes it turns into a fight. cant you see?
loving is not about giving attentions, its not always about rainbows and butterflies, flowers and chocs, goodmorning and goodnight, the sun, the moon. its more than that. its something we both failed to digest. we both failed to use.
i know you probably wont read this. nobody would. but this is where i pour my heart and soul, with all my might. this is where a person like me, cries.
i am sorry, for letting you go. and for all of my failures. i tried my best to fulfill all of my promises. and it seems like its not enough. let me be the one who said sorry. i do enjoy our moments together but heaven seems like to have another plan ahead for us.
with love,
K.
life tip 101
life tip 101 :
u dont try to comfort someone, or sugar coat them with words promising this and that. if its out of ur reach
sober
its been a while since the last post. a month ago. i hit rock bottom. everything seems so lost, so out of place. so gone. it doesnt feel the same anymore. right after major all stars. i feel like i am disconnected from people who i believe to be among those people who i keep close. miscommunication, misunderstanding and all sorts.
right now, all of my past wrongdoings everything - is getting back at me. tried to run away. but it doesnt seem like its the best solution
i get mad and angry easily. easily lose my cool and temper. i get tired and gave up easily. i fucked up. i tried to make myself busy all the time and ignore the all of those things but it seems to get to me in various ways a person could ever imagine. trouble was here n there for me. everywhere i go, theres trouble awaits.
my aunt and my cousin passed away last 3 week. it was hard on me. it was super hard on mom. i cant watch her cry, mourning over my aunt's death. day and night. it was hard on everybody. i could not deal with my own problems and sometimes, it just happen. one after another. my other 2 cousin is pretty much alright but not my uncle. he broke his ribs, going multiple surgeries and transferred into few hospital. its now my responsibility to look after them. trying to digest these things, and at the same time trying to figure out and solve my own problems...sigh...
its all coming back to me. one thing is for sure. running away from all of these problem wont help me solve em. i become lazy. a person with full of excuse, sometimes even..i did the worst thing possible..
i dont know where do i begin. i dont know where and when all of these going to stop. i let people down. i let too much people down. i didnt respect myself. and i've lost the respect from the people who i think matters the most to me.
ali texted me last night.no actually 3 days in a row. but i didnt really rply anything because i was out of my mind and under some bad influence. but yesteday was different. i am sober. i sleep the whole day away and waking up to his text. my mind - crystal clear.
he asked what happen to me. also asked for help. to look over him as i passed down the tjlanparty down. i have these flashback of the past. my head hurts. but i know this is the right thing to do. i have been letting people down for so long. importantly, myself.
i know only i, myself can stop all of these misfortune and bad behavior, put and end to it. no matter how far i tried to run or not to accept this from happening, it wont. i have to deal with it. no more running. no more pretending to be fine while ur not.
let today be the day where i learn to pick up myself all over again. and we gonna do this once again
angry days?
post major all stars - part 3
basically this is just a go thru with pictures. im too lazy to write anything for now. ya know..kinda lost..and it happens all the time..
