4th time - things that i was unable to say

may 22, 2009. around 11 pm. i still remember that moment, very clear in this damn brain. i send that text. that one damn text which literally change every single things that happens from that moment until today.

this damn text.

"awak ni, satu apa pon tak boleh nak decide sendiri"

realizing i was in a pretty bad mood, baru bangun tidor, and u keep saying things u dont like and keep bugging me, i  get annoyed. and really, after a few hours and getting sober, i realize that is the damn one mistake that i did. 

but this is not what this post is all about. its not about regrets, its not about hate, its not about anger. its nothing but just in a form of totem of u, which is in a memory value, still lives and grew here in my mind. 

i didnt have the chance to say thank you, i didnt have the chance to say sorry. i didnt have the chance to explain this.

i've walking across this land, just to find answers, and unlock myself away from these things. guilt, rage, anger, everything. i tend to blame each n everything happens because of u. now i find that isnt relevant at all.

all these 4 years, i am fighting with my ownself. realizing i could not resist my ownself, i find and escape to this miseries. i tried, but seems it doesnt fit the picture of u and what u left in me. or maybe just not yet. not at this moment.

i dont think that u'll read this anyway. again its just me, expressing things that i cudnt. i cudnt face u. all these while, i am looking for a new self. a new energy. harmony. 

its not easy. to lose a few things in one go. but, thanks. for showing me the way.

till we meet again? i dont see any part of us meeting again. maybe someday. maybe someday :