breathe no more

its 12.59. 5 december.

i know its my time of the year. in fact its not only me who waits for my own date, i bet every people wait for their own date right?

but its not what that i want today. i learn that my aunt is dying. and shes been in that state for sometimes. and i dont know anything bout it. kinda sad. not kinda. im sad. i am really sad

my aunt is where i come and tell her stories that i didnt share with anyone. mainly i tell her my prob within my family. and she is the only one that my father listens to. since she is the most elder in my father siblings. she has gone thru too much. breast cancer, leg problem. and now she's old and worn out..its her time to go.

i regret that i didnt go back to visit her sometimes. during college years, and now entering working days. i didnt even go back for raya for 2-3 years. barely sees anybody in JB. regrets, sadness. everything inside.

in fact tonight i help an accident. african got run down by a bike. not so good for the african, presume dead by the medic when she arrive there. the motorcyclist is in a bad condition. did my part. and the rest is on god.

yesterday was helwa's birthday. the ex-girlfriend. i dont have anything on me to get to her. i forgot her num since im using new simcard on new phone. all i had is her email. and i did wish her on email. i hope she reads it. i meant nothing in that email. its just a friend wishing a friend a very blastful happy birthday. do not take me wrong.

and yeah. i gotta tell this. having a memory of this kinda sadden me much. urs is on 4th, mine is on 5th, syera is on 30 with atufah and mira is having the same date with me. its too much for me. too much coincident. everything i do, everywhere i went, u always there. ur always there, watching me from a far. and on ur date, my aunt pass away. and this makes the memory of u getting stronger in my heart.

its not like i didnt fget u. in fact i moved on. its just...i dont have any other words for it. im gonna call it fate. everything happens for a reason and i do believe there must be a reason for this. maybe god dont want me to forget u, or maybe god want me to seek forgiveness from u for what did i've done.

im done running away from u. im done hating u for something that u didnt do. im done denying facts. im done manipulating my mind. im accepting that my fate is this. i cant run away from my own memory. i cant cheat history, i cant cheat anymore. i just cant be in denial anymore.

its too much burden on these dates. i remember too much date. 9/11/2005. 27/4/2006. 10/10/2008. 15/3/2009. and 11/7/2009. count 25/11 and 4/12 and 5/12 in that. u see. the dates i've been remembering.
do not mention the place.

today is a little too much for me. u, aunt death's, my birthday. definitely nobody wanna be in my shoes right now. and understand what am i feeling right now. and tmr i have to face my boss and ask for 2-3 days off. and i hope she let me go.

i realize that i am slowly turning into my father. ignoring people. family and bonds. become workaholic person. losing bond with the world. losing the ability of speech. uniform is like ur another skin. another self. another u. i realize that this thing is happening to me.

cant really describe what is happening in my head, either my heart. what fills me is now regrets. and sadness. i try not to overthink about this, but its swallowing me whole. trying to get the best of me. all i can do now is take some break. recite her some prayers. pray for her.

i think im done talking for now. lets see what tmr have for me. and i'll let it unfolds itself. hoping for a better new day.

and today, for ur info, its world ninja day by the way. and my life is a series of coincidence? want a prove?
i am riding ninja right now, having a quick but yet not working relationship with @nichninja and guess what? this day is on my birthday.

ja. goodnight people. goodnight