923 am. here i am. in the office. writing and preparing support docs and going to submit my application to relocate. im a mess right now. i just wanna go away and avoid everybody. all i wanna do now is to find peace. dont care where and how. im done doing things here
im hurt. badly. body. mind. soul. i've throw my pride away. not for nothing. for something i believe in strongly. which i put all of my trust in, all my heart to. i dont possess anything left in me. i waste it all. but i still believe. i want to believe.
im sorry if i did really hurt u that much. i didnt meant to. i didnt realized that my actions, or my words, is hurting u in anyway possible.
people always said that "we always hurt the people we love". i disagree. it is "we always got hurt by the people we love".
maybe the only regrets that im having now is i didnt do enuf. i fought for the relationship. i go against all odds. time differences. distance. beliefs. in every way possible. still, i didnt do and keep up the good job till i lose u. i know i am brave enuf to give it all. sacrificing myself in everysingle way possible.
erm.
i am over doing myself right now. demam. and both my eyeballs is hurting. i dont know how long i can take this before i break.
i think i'll go away after kalap departs to taiwan next week. and if u guys miss me, im here.
to #teamselalubetul u guys are the best.
to #celakaparty members. thanks guys. u guys makes me feel welcomed here. thanks for those memories i would never forget ever.
and im sorry if i missed mentioning anybody here. shoutout goes to all of u.
to ucu, im sorry if i offend u in facebook few days ago. didnt know ur taking that seriously. my bad.
right. happy new year. stay safe.
im outta here :)
p/s : currently im using whatsapps/viber/line for pc. fone went dead. wait till next month, going to get myself new phone.
p/s 2 : please take not that im no longer use my maxis number. the number is dead. my mom is using the fone. its almost 1 month since i last use that number.
9.46 am. signing out!
fade in to me
used
"i'll be just fine, pretending im not, i far from lonely and its all that i've got"
- bert mckracken
22/12/13
habis sudah cuti seminggu. takde buat apa2 yg significant. sekadar tidur dan satu dua benda besar sahaja. tak banyak benda nak diceritakan. boleh kata, hampir semua aktiviti harian dan nilai diri aku jaja di laman sesawang twitter. yg bangga, yg cela. yg wangi yg busuk. hamburkan saja disana. canang saja jasa disana. tabur budi dan bakti disana.
manakala cacatan memori dan perjalanan disini makin aku pinggir dan lupakan. alasannya - tiada masa. sukar menulis coretan perjalanan hidup di atas fon. tandus idea katanya. mana tak datang tandusnya idea. sudah kau buang satu persatu, selang sesaat kau hamburkan semuanya disana.
december
hello. its december. cant believe time flew this fast. a lot of ups and downs within the year. happy times, bad times. hard times.
a year stronger. a year braver. a year wiser.
thats what i thought.
its december. embrace it
killing the time
this is where i am last week. trying to convince myself everything is going to be ok while my head was taken away from me. i could not make any decision, or think of anything at all.
bleak. empty. sorrow.
i've been wondering around and only stop when i feel tired. i..i dont know why i was there, and i feel helpless.
scream. but nobody listens. feel betrayed. at its best. everything was against me.
exchange goodbyes. tears broke down.
how could you?
thats not the main point.
after everything, how could you decide on the future based on fear of the unknown?
i know im hurt. till today, i mourn. in my sleep. in my wake. not for u. not for me. but for the trust and bond that have been broken and and all those sweet words and little things that doesnt even matter anymore.
forgive and forget. that is what them girls said. but i am a man. doesnt work on me.
urm
i feel betrayed. im hurt. but i doesnt feel pain at all. i just wanna shutdown.
close my eyes and sleep.
#toys4kidz 3.0
weak-ness
i have been working straight up this month. the only break i had is on raya haji and the next 2 days. im tired. i need to recharge. i want to be heard. i want people to ask me how are u? etcs. but all im getting is nothing. not even a single care was given. emotionally and physically.
i think its best for me to change my policy. the less i know, the less i got involved, the less problem or the less problem or things i shud care about. all i needed to care is about myself. at least.
being in love turns me weak. it turns me from something solid to a little girl. want this need that scream here scream there. this is wrong. it shudnt or not supposed to turn me like this but i cant help it.
help me find myself back. guide me.
nothing-ness
i feel ignored. i feel abandoned. i feel lonely. i wonder why these kind of feelings surrounds me. im easily bored. not like what it used to be few months back. i know i shud write this in my another private blog but it cant be help.
i wonder why. where does it goes. the excitement. the mysteries. the momentum. the feeling. love itself. we used to do name calling or at least endearment to each other but not now. all we both are getting is "ok". "buat apa" and stuffs.
things like "hows ur day", "what do u learn today", "what did u do today" is no longer there. i barely feel the presence of anything like that anymore. i dont know who to blame. issit me? issit u? issit me who needed the attention the most. or its no longer there. i dont know. im completely lost.
sometimes i do feel insecure. watching u talking with bunch of smart ass guy. getting into my nerve. i guess its only natural that i got pissed because watching those guys acting smart n talking to u. or its either me who was the source of the problem since the beginning. that dude mean no harm. but i take that seriously. IDK. IDK.
maybe all i do all these time is submitting. and submitting and submitting until there was nothing more of me to offer. i have no more value. i spend all of my value until there is none left on me to keep u attracted to me anymore.
it is only 7 months and its already this dull. and im finding a way to make this interesting and addicted just like it used to be.
i think i am going to take down my social networking accounts as soon as possible. and live it with for the rest of my life.
life facts
its good to be back.
its good to be back on track. didnt take long before i start to realize things didnt are not to bad. thru hardship i learn to appreciate things, and people to appreciate me.
i also learn that there is still hope, and the sun will still shine after all things has been done and told. and i learn to let go. soon the darkest moment will pass, and there will light in the end
i learn to pick myself up. pick everybody else up.
i am going to get back to u. wait for me
1000th
I.
genap 7 hari lagi sebulan saya hidup terumbang ambing tanpa hala tuju dan arah hidup sebagai seorang lelaki. dulu tiap kalinya bangun pagi, terbuku di hati untuk menabur bakti dan jasa pada setiap huni. tapi seringkali kini, saya takut untuk bangun pagi. di belenggu rasa takut. ketiadaan matlamat hidup, ketiadaan sesuatu untuk saya percaya dan juangkan, dan ada kalanya terfikir, mungkin ini tanda henti. apalah guna seorang satria tanpa pedang? apa guna jadi pemuisi pujangga kalau tidak punya deria?
II.
saya tak pernah minta sesiapa pun faham. saya meninggalkan jawatan saya bukan sebab saya sengaja. ataupun suka-suka. tak perlu cari salah saya. sebab orang yang betul-betul kenal saya, faham mcmmana cara dan etika saya bekerja. saya tak perlukan ungkapan-ungkapan seperti "bodoh orang dah bagi peluang kerja, kerja elok2, bodoh kalau berhenti kerja dgn telekom dan sebagainya". cerita sebenarnya oleh kerana perihal kekotoran politik kerja dan juga karenah birokrasi, saya rasa, sampai sini sajalah saya memerah keringat saya yang terbatas ini.
III.
balik rumah juga bukan lagi satu pilihan buat saya. masing-masing seperti orang asing. keluar pagi, balik malam. angkat tangan menyapa. kadang2 muncul juga, bertekak mengenai perihal bill yang tak pernah di bayar. siapa bayar, bila. kadang-kadang mengaku bayar. tapi alhamdulillah. masih belum pernah lagi di berhentikan perkhidmatan asas. masih ada insan yang membayar. makan pakai saya? kalau ada saya makanlah. kalau tiada, pandai-pandailah saya. dah besarkan. tak perlu risau.
IV.
terima kasih saya ucapkan kepada mereka yang saya gelar, kawan-kawan. sahabat. brothers. mereka tahu, mereka faham keadaan yang saya hadapi. ada juga di antara mereka yang sanggup datang bertandang ke rumah ini, cuba membawa angin perubahan pada emosi saya yang kadang kala tak menentu. heret saya keluar hidup udara segar. alihkan segala kusut usai dalam kepala. terkadang pernah juga berharap. bagusnya kalau dapat ibu bapa yang memahami dan boleh layan anak-anak mereka sebagai kawan. tapi saya tak salahkan mereka. oleh kerana sering kali di pinggir mereka sejak usia muda, saya pandai berdikari dan mudah bawa diri sekiranya di campak ke mana sahaja.
V.
sukar kini untuk lelapkan mata. dek otak berputar asik berfikir. tentang penerimaan. tentang penyesalan. tentang masa depan. tentang kita. lepas penat berfikir, di panjatkan doa meminta yang esa murahkan rezeki diri, rezeki keluarga, rezeki kawan-kawan. tak juga lupa doa untuk minta panjang umur, minta di bukakan hati kedua ibu bapa saya untuk menerima dan memahami diri dan keputusan saya selama ini. saya faham. ibu bapa sentiasa mahukan anak-anak mereka untuk berjaya dalam hidup mereka. dan tak mahu anak-anak mereka ikut jejak langkah mereka menjalani perit perih kehidupan. saya mengerti segala bebelan, segala herdik dan caci maki mereka, atas sebab sayangkan kita.
VI.
buat peneman setia diri, saya mohon maaf, sekiranya diri ini banyak melukai kamu selama mana kita berkenalan dan bersama selama ini. pinta saya, sabarlah dengan saya, tunjuk saya mana salah dan silap saya pada kamu. yang pasti, saat-saat sukar begini, hanya kamu yang saya punya, untuk saya ceritakan segala perit perih saya. dengar, hanya dengar saja kelukaan seorang lelaki hampa ini. jatuh bangun dia. cukup sekadar kamu mendengar.
VII.
kadang kala terlintas juga untuk berhenti. berharap. berdoa. berusaha. tapi saya akui. jalan hidup masih panjang. dan di sini bukan tempat berhenti. datanglah apa saja. saya tahu saya takkan berhenti di sini. entah kenapa rasa terpanggil untuk menulis sebegini panjang. orang kata, "let go". dah "let go" pun beberapa kali. tapi entah kenapa, makin lama, rasa makin tebal dan membuku di hati. makin lepas makin menyimpan, memendam rasa. tidak punya daya lagi mengharap apa-apa. selain yang maha esa kurniakan ketenangan dalam jiwa.
saya harap yang baik-baik saja. semoga ianya baik-baik sahaja.
hiatus.
u gave too much of ur heart and left nothing for urself.
at the worst moment.
u go.
being forgotten and forsaken, i dont think u know anything about it.
until u feel it for urself.
tired, tired heart. please rest
tired done by u.
thoughts. uneasy thoughts.
doesnt feel like it used to be. for a reason i dont know why. but i know i am not running away. maybe each of us are tired from each other. being there too much everytime.
apart and being stanger to each other. one day.
998 - status
honestly. i hate this new..job of mine. and for now, i have no other choice. things happen and it cant go back like the way it used to be.
i had regrets, a few. but currently it is so hard to chew and drink it down. and i dont expect anyone to understand it. yes they may said "sokay it will soon pass, i've been there, i know what u feel and stuffs" but really..u may get the "understand" part but not "living thru it for the moment".
these 2 weeks i learn a lot. about being at the very lowest point in an organization. where people treat u like shit. and i also learn things like "people tend to leave managers, not company" and about being valued and stuffs.
some people doesnt really care about paycheck, ots, claims and whatever. all they want it to challenge themselves, prove themselves that they can actually compete and contribute whatever to the company they working with.
but i learn the ugly truth from lowest point in and organization. and it seems like..there will be no end to this.
monkey see, monkey do.
i seek no attention. i seek no sweet words or any comfort talks just to get thru this. i just need support. and i fully understand if any of u starting keep a distance from me or anything just because i am saying things full of negativity and ugly truth. but that is the way i do mental block from myself, telling things that "things are not going to get better if i didnt do anything, or something" or simply expressing my thoughts. i wonder how it would affect u in a way. sorry if i did any. not my intention to do so.
u dont know how much i want to give up everyday, early in the morning, after subuh prayers. u dont know how much and what i endured all of these times, alone. so u dont dare talk to me about being negative and stuffs. pressure, stress, tired because working beyond working hours, lousy boss, lacking restime, lousy salary and thousands more.
this is the reality, this is the ugly truth. bounded by things u cannot really see.
and please stop comparing what have u gone thru and what i am going thru right now. it is not the same. the challenges today is not what u have back in ur days. and i couldnt handle any naggings or any de-gradation motivational speech from u everyday. i had enuf of it since i was back in my school years. i learn to accept there is things which i can do and which i cant not. but u guys didnt understand. or even try to understand. and i end up, like always, disappointing u guys in every possible way.
and u dont know how much i sacrifice for myself. if i even try to talk back, "barulah sikit berkorban" and bla bla bla dialog.
i feel left out currently. and all i have alot of things to say. to u, u, u and a lot of u.
i understand my current status is, and didnt whine at all. because i know. i will always make it out, alive. i always do. this is not the 1st time i lose everything in life. and i know, there is a possibility to lose everything and never had a chance to comeback too. if i didnt start doing anything.
running away from problem doesnt actually solve it.
bad times
i dont know how long i can do this. its..killing me..
and i try to look at this in a positive way.
maybe its time to learn something from this.
05092013
i got so much to say. and if i try to jolt it down where, most of you would probably...puke. do to the level of puke inducing writing that i may or may not include.
thank you. for being there. always. for me. my moon, my stars, my sunshine. for being there during difficult times and glory days.
thank you. accepting me as who i am.
and i am sorry, for not being a good partner/person to ya. hot headed sometimes. kinda hard on u. a bit cold at times. unstable mood all the time.
i love u. night.
xx.
this moment.
i know things would get very tough. very hard. real hard as we are walking forward. but i wont let go. no
modern fairy tale
there is, this one girl. who lives in the land below the wind. where she wakes up as early as she could, just to wish good morning to this somebody, before went for work and doing house chores, just like a cinderella would do. she never fail to do so. everyday.
and she is a princess, darling to me.
nisarella.
hi
hi. its been a while since i write anything. kinda busy with life. a little bit this, a little bit of that. and currently i am busy handling few events for twitterjaya. #TJLanParty2.
a gaming, LAN party event or somewhat. and maybe another #twtupdarah or #giveblood.
alot of paperwork needed to be done soon.
and yeah. i spend most of the time being in love. busy with life? kekeke
goodnight people. i do miss u too. and will do blog walking soon.
haram
kepoh isu haram sekarang ni. kadang2 aku konfius. ni negara islam ke, rakyat islam ke, undang-undang yang islam. sebab..setakat bebas amalkan agama, tapi tidak undang-undang islam, takde lah islam mana pun negara tu.
kepoh shisha dah jatuh hukum haram. actually, bendaalah haram ni senang je. apa sahaja yang memudaratkan diri sendiri, orang lain, haram. rokok? haram. arak? haram. zina? haram. tak susah mana nak tau halal haram ni kalau takat sekolah harian. jadi rumit bila pegi sekolah ugama yang entah betul entah tidak, di iktiraf entah tidak.
jadi isu bila budak2 ni mulai menganut dan belajar ugama via facebook dan utube dari ustaz entah hape-hape entah. betul ke tidak ke, ada tulis dalam kitab suci ke tidak ke, dia main larung je, main bohhh je.
dah 2013. i think, malaysia mampu untuk buat research sendiri bekenaan bahayanya rokok, arak, shisha, ganja, berita tv3, utusan, etc etc. dan seterusnya kemukakan hasil research kepada rakyat. tanpa ada campur tangan pihak mana-mana. which is i think personally, impossible.
ternyata banyak lagi benda lain yang patut kena haram, tapi di nafikan hak itu. example mudah, facebook. banyak kacau bilau dari merapatkan sesama umat manusia, tak susah pun nak tgk hakikat ni. rokok secara teknikal ni di beri hukum "AMARAN" instead of haram. sebab, keputusan di beri secara mutlak atas manusia. dah di paparkan gambar itu dan ini, dah di cetak sebesar2 *besarlah sangat* kandungan kemikalnya, tapi masih berleluasa penjualanya. kenapa?
rokok kretek murah, automatik HARAM. kenapa? kalau rajin buat cross ref, nampak la kaitan antara dua tu. nak kata rokok kretek tu barang curi, tidak. benda tu cuma masuk illegally. and some people cannot generate profit. ganggu pasaran katanya. tak adil bagi budak2 shisha. direct haram. yang mana setakat ni aku rasa, takdelah haram mana, either memudaratkan mana. lain pula ceritanya dengan shisha gembira. rakyat perlu di buka matanya. perlu didedahkan dengan pelbagai jenis hakikat.
tak perlulah saya bangkitkan isu arak, rumah urut, rumah judi dan pelbagai. belom lagi kira "itu dan ini". halal haram ni, yang mana di luar jangkau manusia, tak payah lah nak jadi tuhan letak hukum. tgk jela sorang ustak tu. minuman anggur yang tak bersalah harang kata dia. sebab bla bla bla. tapi air tu tak mabok pun. takde pula jadi punca kanser ke apa. lepas tu minta maaf. ustak silak kata dia.
bebaru ni aku sajalah update status fb. mcm biasa, nak membakar. datang pula 2-3 sahabat bijak pandai paste link jakim and so on. pastu acah2 nak berdebat. malas aku melayan. nak aje aku keluar ayat "kalau tangan dan bibir masih tak lepas rokok, usah bicara isu halal haram dgn aku".
nanti kena kata poyos lak. malas. nak jaga hati kawan2. cukup lah kita sendiri tau apa yang salah apa yang betul.
p/s : makin hari aku makin hilang respek kat segelintir orang. yelah. ada yang baru dapat hidayah. ada yang acah2 nak troll, tapi hanyut, ada gak yang jenis takde pegangan, asal nampak benda islamik entah betul entah tidak, share je. yang penting sampaikan. defuq semua ni? facebook dah lebih kurang mcm arak, ibu segala dosa. ibu segala kebodohan semua ada dalam tu. tapi masih lagi ada yang nampak dan kata "facebook ni kalau tak di salah guna dan bla bla bla..." tetapi kenapa..tidak...rokok...
kencing manis?
hello little preachers.
taken from wikipedia. and i am sorry because i am not buying ur preaching/daa'wah. the source must be correct and trusted before i start to put my faith in it.
sorry, i dont take advice/daa'wah/preaching dengan sekadar share ayat, gambar, buh lagi atau video yang menginsafkan. cakaplah hati aku keras, cakaplah hati aku hitam. aku tau apa yang aku percaya. i am a believer. help me believe.
tak tahu jangan cakap. tak tahu jangan share. bukan tak tau terus nak sebar. itu bukan dakwah. itu membodohkan sesama umat via FB.
oh ya. tak kurang juga segelintir orang yang dah berubah ni menjengkelkan. konon2 nak catch up dengan event or apa2 yang berlaku, tapi nak kata jgn tinggal solat dan berlagak cool bila dia tanya dengan soalan "kau tak pegi ke", "aku tak g, semayang 5 waktu lagi banyak faedah". dan etc. perangai pendakwah mcm ni ke?
cmon man. dakwah dengan cara riak sebegitu rupa via FB? takkan sampai situ je boleh pegi?
i want. i need
a pair of shoes.
a pair of sport shoes.
a pair of slippers.
a pair of sandals.
new belt.
new watch.
new sets or maxtt/dunlop tires
new mousepad.
relocation :(
tiket metalica
get off twitter for good
get off facebook for good
a vacuum
almari baju
penyangkut baju belakang pintu
helo july
howdy. dah lama rasanya tidak mencoret apa2 kat sini. last month cuma dua post. i've been busy. keeping up dgn life. sedar tak sedar, dah bulan 7. lajunya. less seminggu nak puasa. and i think i am going to rest from all sort of activity during this month.
emotions
lately i've been swimming in a river full of emotions. feelings? i am more than tired. if there is a word that could surpass tired/fatigue, that would be it.
i tend to show emotions. which is not good. emotions that i rarely displayed thru this self. and no matter what u do. it seems impossible to turn the mood around. not even good food. not even ur best artist. or fav song.
continue living as u watch the day goes by. and u turn bitter, day to day. knowingly. and have no power or control over it. this emotions, or sensitivity, is destroying me. this is a sign of weakness. inside me.
maybe im just tired. maybe i need rest. and start doing things i the way i want. not the way u want.
everything
seems i've completed my puzzle. i found my last piece of the puzzle in middle of a flower field. and i have nothing much to say. thank you :)
and here's one for u. and i've been looking for somebody to dedicate this song to. and its u. anyway, enjoy.
me loves u nicah :p
that one point
i knew it sucks to be the only single person in a circle of friends. i knew it sucks just to watch them in their facebook or twitter and all sort of shit. and when they had problem, they turn to u. i knew that being "you" now sucks. u had no obligation towards somebody and any issue. and ur friends came to u with this relationship probs. and down the lane, u'll find urself pathetic. ur friends comes and go with their partner and issues and only comeback when they hit rock bottom. and then, there u are. single. alone, miserable and want attention. but u dont know to turn to who. or which. or whatever.
that feeling.
bad week
i've been thru shit last week. the most shittiest shit i ever had in a bad shit week. sebenarnya penat memikir. penat. memperjuangkan sesuatu yang bukan perjuangan kita. penat juga memikirkan perjuangan kita yang entah-apa-apa-entah.
doesnt feel like human at all. rasa mcm dah di programkan tuk bangun pagi, tarik muka senyum sehabis boleh, sehipokrit mana yang mampu. lepas tu balik, benamkan muka dalam singki penuh air. tengok diri sendiri dalam cermin.
"whattafuk". sekali. pekat. jelas.
this new working hours ni challenging gila. and i got to pick 2 days off dari any of working days.
i tried to do something. just to get my mind of things. things that i didnt even want to think about. and it doesnt matter how much bong u've smoke tonight. or gyms or play any futsal or badminton, now many teh tarik glasses u had with ur buddies.
u still go to bed everynight going over every detail and wonder what u did wrong. or maybe, how u could have gone misunderstand.
and how the hell for that short moment, u cud think that u were happy. or at least ur not.
and sometimes u can even convince urself that maybe, this is it.
and after all of that. however long all that maybe. and u'll finally gone somewhere.
go and meet people who'll make u feel worthy again. and those missing puzzle of ur soul and life journey will come back. and all that time wasted, all that life that u've wasted, will eventually begin to fade. one by one. bit by bit.
u'll just have to believe. dont lose hope.
sunday 12, 2013
whenever u cant decide. just remember these
"Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and suprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you"
"there is always "start over".
967 - not another frustration post
#np - bowling for soup : almost.
and i quote the chorus
"i almost had you. but i guess that doesnt cut it. almost loved u. i almost wished that u would loved me too"
i almost had it. i waited long enuf. 6 months? 8 months? then things happened. out of nowhere.
failed my exam. failed this and that. whats next? who knows? maybe my heart, kidneys also will gave up on me.
i didnt function well this morning. i didnt even attend the pep talk. headache. maybe because the sleep. i need to be in control of myself. i need to be calm. like i used to be. this brain of mine is tired to do over-thinking process. i want to be another mindless monster which have no programs or control upon myself today.
lets begin with disconnecting myself. and see how the day ends later.
969 - talking about frustration.
punch dah jadi kale hijau. pertama kali sepanjang aku keje ni. rasanya bulan depan jadi warna merah kot.
tak tau nak kata apa. jarak antara rumah nak ke tempat keje pon faktor, nak bangun lewat pun faktor jugak. tapi takde la lewat. bangun around 630-645. siap2 apa semua keluar rumah around 7.15. kalau tak jam, sampai la around 8. kalau jam, 8-8.15. paling teruk kalau hujan or tak lepas nak menyelit bagai, pukul 9. freaking far kot. 21 kilo + dari kinrara jalan klang lama ke damansara utama near kayu ara sana.
tapi ni semua tak boleh jadi alasan kenapa aku datang lewat. gm aku duduk kajang kot. kajang ke damansara? 60-70 kilo. depends on mana kat kajang. dari bandar kajang tu 60. kalau jenis duduk prima saujana? sepakat indah? tak ke 80 kilo sehari dia travel. ok je sampai kul 8. but again dia gm. dia nak masuk pukul berapa, balik pukul berapa, tak jadi isu. kita yang kuli ni?
meanwhile..
i havent get enuf sleep since last week. yesterday is a day off. but i sleep around 5 and wake up around 7. probably my body system. automatic wake up call at 7 if i miss my alarm clock 6.15. terkebil2. nak bergerak tapi malas. badan lesu. zero energy.
2nd may. 1st week of the month. tons of reports and backlogs needed to be done within this week. i am not sure if i can go home or not. feels like taking a few bookoffs since i have been working during last sunday and saturday.
guess what, i got 3 more days of my annual leave. i shud have around 10 or 12, but under some circumstances, it suddenly jadi 3 hari. kinda frustrated. at least u cudda inform me or something. if ur going to punish me, pls say so. so that i can do some reality check or some soul searching. accepting my flaws and fault like a man. i did this to myself.
actually i shud be in padang indonesia now. but here i am. working my ass off..
mood : null
energy level : 25% left till tmr
willpower : 65%
49 days ago.
approximately 49 days ago, a fearsome brotherhood pack leader falls.
he fall down hard.
up to the point that he no longer have any strength left in him to do all of those fighting for his brothers.
up to the point where he goes crazy, does unimaginable things.
up to the point where he is very vulnerable, mentally and physically.
up to the point where bro-sessions is no longer serve him no purpose.
up to the point where he left almost everything he possess.
up to the point where is gave up everything which he build up to this point.
code of conduct was no longer a sacred vow among blood brothers.
turn his back on his brother because of "this"
"this" disease has turn him soft.
RIP.
and because of this, a new generation of leaders are born. out of hardships.
funneh~
snuggle muffin ask me a question last night.
i love u, kikiki :)
10 sebab kenapa kuih keria lagi best dari pavlova
berikut dinyatakan sebab-sebab kenapa kuih keria, adalah lebih best dari pavlova, dari pandangan seorang lelaki yang sedang marah dan anti golongan hijabsters serta hipsters dan sebagainya.
1. kuih keria adalah amat sesuai di makan tak kira masa. sepertinya sarapan pagi, snek lewat malam mahupun minum petang. dan paling sesuai di gayakan atau furnishkan dengan secawan teh vanilla.
berbanding pavlova yang mahukan secawan kopi mahal, serta mahu di corakkan buihnya. euwhhh
2. kuih keria adalah kuih yang 100% di buat menggunakan tangan. rahsia kenapa ianya sedap?
-kasih sayang dan seni tangan membuat kuih itu sendiri membuatkan ia sangat sedap, lembut, dan tenang bila di makan.
3. kuih keria juga merupakan kuih untuk mengeratkan kasih sayang. ramai anak gadis pada masa kini yang tak berapa pandai nak buat kuih, kalau nak unlock teknik-teknik buat kuih keria ni, mereka kenalah bonding dgn mak.
tgk pavlova. mak aku sendiri pon tak berkenan kuih yahudi ni, puih.
4. kuih keria adalah kuih yang sihat. kerna ia di perbuat 100% daripada keledek manis. orang dulu2 zaman jepun survive guna ubi dgn keledek je.
pavlova? putih telur. penggunaan protein berlebihan tu. membazir buah juga.
5. tahukah anda pavlova bukan pilihan ketika berlansungnya majlis tahlil? kuih seperti karipap, keria, bingka ubi, kuih bakar sering kali duduk di tangga teratas dalam pemilihan kuih.
mana ada orang hidang pavlova, red velvet, ke cheese kek time majlis mcm ni natang. jgn nak urban sangatlah.
6. kerna kuih keria itu sendiri adalah sedap ketika di hidang panas, ataupun sejuk. seni menguli tepung, mix and match dia, komposisi berapa % tepung berapa % keledek nak campur. sedap, lembut je bila kunyah.
ce try dgn pavlova. tak sejuk takleh, sejuk takleh, salah buah takleh. apa pon tak kenalah. puih
7. katalah ada error dalam proses buat keria ni, paling kuat dia hangus, over goreng.
risk-free berbanding pavlova. hancurlah, cair lah, basi lah, tak naik lah. like, whatever, duh
8. kuih keria adalah sangat mudah di dapati, tapi rare kalau nak jumpa yang panas2 dan sedap. lagipun tak perlu nak bergaduh dengna mertua nak makan kuih apa pepagi.
dah ada orang jual pavlova ke pepagi buta sekarang ni? MANA ADA!
9. kalau ada maskot cinta bagi kuih, bagi saya, layak di berikan pada kuih keria. secara tak lansung, lelaki yang nak pegi keje kalau dia tak sempat buat sarapan, dia akan beli je sarapan kat gerai2, amik nasi lemak sebungkus, kuih sikit. mana tau kalau makwe comel yg menjual? +1 dah kat situ
10. ultimately, kuih keria adalah kuih epik dan kuih warisan bagi umat melayu dan rakyat malaysia. ilmu buat kuih keria ni, bagi saya, kena ada di peringkat sekolah menengah bagi menjamin kemandirian spisis perempuan yang pandai buat kuih tradisional dan perlu di perturunkan dari generasi ke generasi, kalau kita yg tak mula jaga warisan ni, sapa lagi nak jaga?
sekian, terima kasut.
968 - do not
the used live in malaysia 2013!
going to the used gig is one of my life goals. but it seems like god have better plans for me for now. em i really wanna go but i cant. my flight to krabi is on 18th. man this is sad...
:/ maybe someday...
get
get some new clothes.
get some food, human food.
get new shoes and slippers.
get some rest.
get some time for urself.
it
it consumes u whole. it makes u not u. it makes u wake up early in the morning for no reason. it makes ur heart ponder without a valid reason. it makes u feel weak, sometimes strong, sometimes u dont want to feel anything at all. it wants perfection. it takes alot from u, its complicated. it decides. it lies. it hurts. it heals. it feeds u with its power. it fuels u up. it makes u go crazy. it makes u want to live longer. it makes u strive. it takes away the hope in u, it is also the reason why u keep having new hopes. it doesnt want u to normal. it wants u to be normal. it consumes ur time but gives u time.
it.
sweet. katanya
sweet itu adalah apabila anda korbankan masa tidur anda semata-mata untuk berbual bersama si dia, katanya.
sweet itu adalah apabila kamu berdua bersama-sama buat instacoloboration untuk menang pertandingan di instagram, katanya.
sweet adalah apabila ketika si dia sedang belajar, dan anda layan diri menonton rancangan kanak-kanak power ranger hari sabtu. katanya
sweet tu adalah apabila kamu bergurau senda di laman sosial sambil di perhatikan rakan-rakan yang kemudiannya jeles dengan gurauan manja kamu dan si dia, katanya.
sweet itu adalah apabila jarak di antara kamu berpuluh ribu batu jauhnya, 6 jam berbeza. katanya.
depression, part 3
kehidupan pekerjaan sekarang ini adalah amat membebankan. dah tak tau mcm mana lagi nak pusing semata-mata nak buat diri sendiri jadi gembira. apa yang aku nampak sekarang ni, jalan keluar mudah.
depression, part 1
bought resident evil 6 via steam, 16 gb files to be completed with 8 kbps internet speed. how depressed can a happy fat guy like can be?
now u tell me?
958 - kecewa.
"takkan terus nak kekal kecewa dan bitter sampai umur 30?" - naim md noh, 8.30pm 23/3/2013
aku - what could be worst bro. im still here anyway. living with whatever left of me. still i could call u in the middle of the night, just to hangout, and have this brotherly sessions, in our old seats, mcd batu pahat. doing "bukon", and maybe u'll bring ur wife and kids too.
i love my bloodbrothers. more than anything else. JG for life.
957 - bulan.
956 - why do we need a girl in men's circle.
i came across this article today while i was browsing - the importance of trusting men in ur circle and i find it quite interesting. about few mens, having a weekly basis group sessions.
i think this group sessions helps. since most of us is working, having issues in daily life, relationship, workloads, and its all came down to one thing. trust.
how much do u trust people. especially the ones within the circle. telling them things and whats not. and if u ask me, i'll say i do. i'll put my trust in them. this group session was here on a particular reason. to help brothers, for brothers. why? because we came from different background, expertise, history, age, social status. and etc.
this one brother may be the the pack leader, having endless confidence, highly informative and charismatic aura, but apart from that, he also suffers from his pasts. maybe, just maybe. it could be anything. everybody has their "black dot" moments.
since the session consists of a several mens, i think these days, there is a need for these session to have a girl. to me, since the session might consist a point of view from a man towards any-related topics from relationship to life journey, and must not be only those mens giving out advise.
for example, if a bro is having a hard time with his partner, one brother might spark more fire by saying, do this, she deserves that. and having a "half-bro", "half-dude bro-sis" would affect his actions. she might say, "she didnt meant that, do consider" "try to put urself in her place" and yadda yadda yadda. and vice versa situation.
and yes, we could see things, from this "half-dude-bro-sis" side. as we plan to do something to surprize our partner, we could ask her 1st. is this okay? discuss with the circle. and decide on something. not all men carry their girlish side all times, right?
what could be better? assist this "half-dude-bro-sis" in her daily live journey. and u can completely trust her. treat him like ur own bloodbrother-circle. listens to her problem. provide options. confess to her.
a bro sessions is sometimes more intense than father-son or mother-son conversation. and i think it really affects us in a way. u just cant talk to ur mother that u bang a chick last night, but u can tell ur bro about this. and things like that.
choose ur bros wisely. and i think for now, this is the main reason why i think, we need a girl to be in any men's circle, or social group meetup.
955?
reviews.
rare
she keeps a journal of her life journey.
she did fried mee using spaghetti
she wears lab coats.
she drives u crazy
she melts u with less effort.
she talks in accent, "dialeks"
ur friends didnt like her because she's better from the last one u had.
she's 16,197 km away, 229 hours of travelling my land.
she paints.
she's the one. a women from the past.
ghost
"You write me letters in a pen with no ink. And you have your own eyes, but you don’t dare blink. You speak in words, without a sentence. You’re the ghost that haunts me, without a presence"
tentang bodoh dan membodohkan
masih ada lagi orang yang percayakan konsep beli barang murah, tapi nak kena bayar duit itu dan ini, melebihi harga barang yg ingin di beli, lepas tu masuk kosmo/hmetro.
tahap kebodohan orang-orang di malaysia makin lama makin menakutkan saya, kena cari negara lain tuk pindah mcm ni. cukuplah orang kita di bodohkan drama-drama politik yang melibatkan bontot dari tahun 1998 - 2013
blend in.
was doing nothing at all tonight. and im just going to list down all of those songs that currently im listening too.
the used - all that i've got
the used - buried myself alive.
all american rejects - my paper heart
the calling - wherever you will go.
james blunt - wise man
james blunt - high
hoobastank - reason
coldplay - clock
coldplay - yellow
switchfoot - we are young tonight
switchfoot - stars
switchfoot - meant to live
switchfoot - dare you to live
david cook - fade in to me
the darkness - i believe in a thing call love
queen - i was born to love you
andrew bell - make it without you
amos lee - colors
sum 41 - pieces
matthew perryman jones - save you.
damien rice - delicate
bryan adams - desire
daniel powter - the best of me
chicago - you're my inspiration
coinne baily rae - put your record on
mc fly - too close for comfort
mc fly - unsaid things
the killers - under the gun
steven curtis jackman - i will be remembering you
boyce avenue - bleeding love
blink 182 - always
bowling for the soup - always
buckcherry - sorry
and a lot more. i've lost track. bye bye
kenali betina-betina anda.
aku ingat kan gadis2 mozlemah ni jenis pandai malu kalau suka kat mamat mozlemah lain, ini tak, share gambar, pastu memuja hensemnya hensemnya. mcm ni ke sifat gadiz mozlemah?
baik aku lepak dengan betina jalan dorai, takde beza dengan gadiz mozlemah ni.
apa beza? boleh tunjukkan saya?
2 sen
malas nak amik port pasal lahad datu. saya suka laporan media sosial berkenaan ini, sebelom golongan kanak-kanak dan bukan professional masuk campur, dan menyebarkan apa sahaja tanpa usul periksa.
bukan saya nak kata orang bodoh tak boleh lemparkan "2 sen" mereka. tapi..ah tak mengapalah..orang bodoh kalau tak buat salah, mereka takkan belajar
where the hell that i've been?
updates, again
balik kampung last week. did some soul searching, doing bike hunting too. still, i find myself collecting pieces, pieces of i dont know how many, clues, or whatever u may call it.
mom is going to do her umrah. and she tell me a lot. this, that, etc.
and i always had this one question, for now.
how do u, repair ur relationships with people. u just cant abandon that one or two friends, u just cant.
drag me to krabi - part 2
sorry it takes me almost a month to update about this krabi trip. i was pretty occupied with works and commitment back then.
kat mana aku stop bercerita haritu? dannok? oh ya. it takes roughly around 4-5 hours to reach krabi from dannok/border. using the highway. but that day, we got ourselves lost in the middle of no where. nak di jadikan cerita, everything was smooth sailing, pukul 5 ngam2 gerak dari dannok nak ke krabi, and bajet sampai dalam kul 12 ke 1 pagi camtu sebab delay berhenti makan and etc, rupanya, tidak.
series of shit happens a long the way to krabi. nak hangover trip? u got one. mula2 lost kat rural area around krabi, the highway stops there, masuk rural area dengan takde map, gps, internet, nothing. zero. kering hati je jalan masuk kampung2 kat thailand tu. dalam kul 10 malam, lepas hujan, tgh jalan dalam keadaan sesat tu, sani tgh drive, terlanggar lak lobang besar. tayar kete pecah. dalam hati aku kata, ah sudah, masak, tak cantik ni bro, tak cantik. imagine la kat jalan kampung mana, kenderaan lalu pon takde, dengan gelap nya tgh2 malam tu, tayar boleh pecah pulak.
nak kata panik, tak berapa panik, sebab semua orang kat situ professional driver. takat tukar tayar ni ke apa benda, dah master dah. waktu ni, bunga-bunga stress n panik semua orang dah start nampak. tapi chill lagi, cari tayar spare dalam boot belakang, tukar la tayar tu. dah tukar ni, dah jalan skit, ah shit, another thing pulak jadi, tayar spare bocor. khakhakhakhkahkahkhakhkaha. pandang muka sorang-sorang, nak tergelak pon ada, dengan tak tau berapa kilo lagi boleh pegi, entah sapa yang boleh tolong, muka semua stress habis. benti balik tepi, memikir.
falah kata, kete boleh jalan, slow-slow so susun benda dalam kete, biarkan tayar depan yg pecah tu less beban. jalan lah slow slow. 20 kmh. and another 250km to go to reach krabi. less than 10 minutes, ada sorang mamat pikup ni datang benti, bila ingat balik, nak tergelak pon ada. sebab, masalah komunikasi. dalam keadaan stress, tiba2 in a middle of no where, ada orang berhenti. it could be, mamat tu nak rompak, or hijack, or anything.
he offer help actually, but kami reluctant and prejudis, sebab tak nak percaya kat stranger. we insist that we can manage, but brother tu nak jugak tolong, jadi drive la slow slow brother tu lead, sampailah ke tung-sung. dalam kete tu, macam2 idea n spekulasi keluar.
"mamat ni nak game kita bro" - falah
"mamat ni takkan senang-senang je nak tolong" - wan
"lex, tengok dulu macam mana" - yum
"nak taknak kita kena gak mintak tolong ni, tak boleh go dengan tayar mcm ni" - sani
and then we arrive in tung-sung. brother pikap tu keluar, call entah sapa-sapa. kendian, datang la ambulan punya van. depan tu, ada balai polis. rupa ada balai polis, tapi polisnya, takde rupa polis. serupa pailang kampung parit bengkok, dengan tak pakai bajunya, kayu atas bahu.
semua berpandangan satu sama lain. perasaan tak sedap mula timbul. falah insist we keep going. wan dah tak boleh pakai. dia boleh jadi horny time2 mcm ni. boleh dia nak bang awek brother yang tengah offer help kat kitaorang. aku dengan sani dah risau habis. mmg dah tau tak boleh nak go dengan tayar mcm ni. so brother tu kata, follow dia, dia bawak pegi tempat kawan dia, pump tayar.
sani offer diri sorang, aku cam..no way nak let go sani pegi seorang diri. no way. so aku pon ikot. berbekalkan 6k baht, dan pasport kami berdua, kami ikut brother tu pegi naik belakang pikap dia, bawak tayar pancit tu. time nak split dengan falah n wan, boleh nampak muka sayu masing2. idea dalam kepala time tu...
"entah balik ke tidak budak-budak ni.." - wan
"sayu gila..." - falah
pikap tu pon jalanlah ke tempat yang sepatutnya. sambil memandang sani, aku cakap ke sani..
"kat sini, aku ada kau je bro, anything happen, kau grab bag aku ni, kau g lari jejauh, aku takpe" - yum
"kalau kita kena jual, harap2 budak2 tu dapat lari" - sani
"aku dah buh duit, passport, fon dengan tablet dalam ni bro, apa-apa jadi, bawak lari benda ni dalam hutan" - yum
and then, after a few minutes, sampai ke tempat pump tayar, brother tu suruh kitaorang stay belakang, bagi dia tayar, and pegi pump kat umah kawan dia. nothing happen. balik semula ke balai polis, gather balik dgn wan n falah. lepas salam2 apa semua, aku ternampak awek brother yang tolong kitaorang tu bawak keluar resit. brother tu cakap apa entah dalam bahasa thai ke awek dia. dalam hati aku dah sumpah seranah dah, kata "kemak, ni mesti kena game, masak ah ni kena paw cukup2"
actually tak pun. dia bagi acc facebook rupanya suruh add. astagafirullah. jahat betul minda aku. lepas tu salam2 dengan brother tu, baru tau nama dia sung. aku try hulur 1k baht, dia tolak. dia kata :
"u & me, we brother" sambil tepuk bahu aku. tersentak siak. selama ni di momok-momokan dengan idea orang thailand jahat, tak suka islam, itu semua palsu.
so we get back in the car, thanking everybody, and move on with our journey to krabi.
