i dont know where have i been for the last 2 months. feels like someone else is living my life as me, as i watch myself going thru its routine. trapped inside following orders. and i only realized that in the last week.

the struggle is real. trying to break the routine cycle is exhausting. but at some point i know i had to break it bcos it is swallowing me whole. i was under pressure due to work. not to mention overworked. 19 days before i had my 1st off day. my stress level - indigestion problem. i had it checked last week. it aint pretty. i have to undergo minor surgery to fix my stomach valve, bcos the valve cant no longer function properly by closing so the acid from yer stomach cant reach yer esophagus resulting - constant heartburn and bitter taste. yadda yadda yadda - gassy stomach, indigestion "perut tak sedap badan". gaviscon is my best friend. 2 sudu pagi, 2 sudu malam. makan on time was the biggest challenge. i had my routine fix when i was in lombok, but right after lombok, the cycle restarts. currently trying to eat on time. will try my best.

i think i let hatred and anger a little too much of control. i hate people around me. i hate everyone around me. supposedly you keep that anger and hatred at its finest - where it would help you go thru your days, and when the hatred and anger is too strong, you'll get burned down along with it. its more than you can handle. i should keep on focusing myself. no matter how pissed i am, no matter how tired, get up. for me to last this long, i think i am one strong bad-ass motherfucker. i dont suffer from demotivation, or let alone depression. just, loneliness. something i gotta live with, by choosing this kind of life.

i choose this. i know the consequences. but at times its just overwhelming. something that i have been taught with. to get something, one must be willing to sacrifice something, in return. i guess its all coming back to me now.