the absence


its been 5 months hiatus isnt it? a lot happened during that period of time. i havent been posting, but i do keep up with my journal. most of the writings isnt appropriate to be posted for the time being. dark hours. being so lost so out of place for months, trying to look for myself. not the best thing to share. 

its been almost 2 weeks since im trying to live my new life routine. i was out of control. self destruct, countless acts of self sabotaging because i am addicted to it. no any other reasons. the last breakup was devastating. and its started to get it toll on me day by day. 

tbh, i dont really know how to process the whole journey. of separating, losing someone you hold dear very much. i tried. fyi. with everything i have. and i thought by not processing it, trying to skip it at least it wouldnt hurt that much. doing drugs or getting high helps, but i'll always succumb to the pain and void you've leave behind. 

my nights - unbearable.

my days - empty

no matter what i do, it doesnt seems to help to ease the pain i've been feeling.  

but dont worry, its not like im losing hope. im trying to cope here. tryna move on with life. i know this would take sometimes. one step at a time. i've been resetting my life, tryna live healthy. these days i smoke a lil bit less. started to go to the gym, sleep early. and in the end i realize that the person that i need to beat, is my ownself. 

im on my way there, and through this journey you might find me a bit tense (its due to the tolerance break from all of those drugs, chemical imbalance inside of my head - yes i knew the risk and i knew how to get a hold on those episodes, no harm, i did my study). just avoid getting on my nerve (dry conversation, asking me bout my day and am i okay - i am okay unless stated otherwise).and yeap its all good.

this year is one helluva of a year. 2020. 

we'll make thru this year, somehow. 


another raya post.

just some pics, and long ass captions

went to falah's house. one of those blood brothers until today. motor buat hal lak nak balik dia takmau hidup. hahaha. feels great catching up sambil makan. good lad. heres us, handsomely posing fer hari raya haha

1st time beraya tiada family bersama. and heres the family pic without my sister yaya, me and my lil brother man. and heres baby qarizh buat muka hahaha dia ni mmg tau. rindu family. almost 6 bulan takda balik. sigh miss mom's cooking too. will definitely balik for raya haji!

family adik dgn baby qarizh. aint he super cute. hehe

so tak balik kan haritu. i decide to host a raya pardy open house style with ma homies. since lama gila tak lepak, and pkp pon dah longar, we rent this one cool airbnb right next to klcc (500 meter away) for 3 days and 2 night. best gila babi and surely going to repeat next time. families.

heres the pic right outside our balcony. majestic. i stayed right from the 1st day until the next day, to witness KL yang kosong, bertukar dari siang ke malam. 

selamat hari raya!

selamat hari raya cov-eid fitri!

finally. lepas get back into routine kamis lepas, i felt much better. routine helps me get back into life. put all the pieces back together lepas 60 days of mco. bit by bit comeback to my senses. having a system helps. with each and every task for the day give the energy and purpose once again.

surely, akan rindu mco. cant believe we are surviving thru pandemic. we show resilience throughout the mco phases. some of us suffered physically, some mentally. many has lost jobs, business. some even loved ones. one day we get to tell the stories to our children and may they learn the mistakes once we did.

anyway. this is the first time raya without my family. this year raya dgn adik, and few friends. for starters, my family isnt really a normal one. i mean, for me. might be different for my siblings. i was raise in a tough love kind of environment where love and affections werent so nice to me. but its there. the love. unconditional love. and i grew up and understand why they did that. so that i can become the person i am, today. the best part, tiada drama raya biasa family pagi raya. haha. i miss home. i miss my parents. i miss my nephews siblings the food, my friends. the tradition every raya, bbq night with the boys. hatiku sedikit terusik, telinga didendangkan alunan lagu raya seketikanya aku sedang berkerja di pejabat. iimagine kerja dalam mood raya. i even counted lagu raya apa main, siapa nyanyi at one point. its tough, but you gotta pull it through. wasnt so bad. kau ada bumbung nak tido, makan nak makan, kawan2 nak ajak borak and all the things you ever need and wanted.

mco has taught me many things. and i am grateful for it.

so far aku dah susun few activities for raya ni. we gon have raya pardy coming up soon. looking forward to lepak with the boys. lama gila tak jumpa.

again, kalau ada salah silap, selama-lama you readers (cey) been knowing me personally or crossed path before, terlebih terkurang, saya memohon maaf. saya susun sepuluh jari meminta keampunan sekali lagi andainya diberi peluang. selamat hari raya aidil fitri.

stay safe, goodnight!

taking back control

day 50+

theres like a lot of things on my plate right now. i have completely lost my mojo. i am unorganized, purpose-less, i dont even know what day or time it is, and pretty much knowing that i am alive when i open up my eyes.

and those dreams (perhaps in the next coming post, drafted already)

to this date i think it is safe to assume that i havent gotten any night sleep normally since the day mco started. i have nothing more that i can use to help myself get up at this point. those happy pill wasnt really helpful in long terms. it gave me the boosts that i need but thats it. i cant get that breakthrough anymore. being so lost so out of place, almost no more willpower to endure this any longer.

you no longer feel like giving up, bcos theres nothing left to give up on. like being sucked into one of those void. timeless, endless. its dark down here. on my own.

"lets not talk to each another anymore"
"You will deal w/ whatever demon you're dealing rn and i dnt wnt any part of it"

she said.

i always knew that i will never be enough. but no worries. even im tired of being me too. i didnt respond back because we both know that i have to let you go. you were right. i am self sabotaging. i am addicted to it. you was never wrong, and how fool of me thinking that i could prove you wrong. i wasnt trying tbh.

surviving thru pandemic, at home, with no timeline to work with due to the nature of my work, is hard. i did everything that i could in my might to stay sane. imagine if i did engage with (im sorry i have no other way of saying this) your provocations. my ego, against your stubbornness. theres no end to that. sorry that i got boring. i did everything.

last night official email came in. look like im gonna get back to work on the 14th. thats a start. few days left to pickup whatever left in me, to get back into the routine. once i get my tempo, i can start fixing other things. something must be done.

get some sleep, rehydrate, rejuvenate. get back that zen mode.

these are the words that i wanted to say last time, but i didnt have the chance to.

"you are wonderful. from day one, until now"
"im sorry i cant keep the other half of my bargain, i tried my best, and i've tried everything but not trying to understand your needs or by lowering my ego"

trying to go thru this pandemic on my own, is what killing me inside. but like i said before, my feelings arent important or worth mentioning.

p/s : i havent sleep yet, about to. lets just reset this for the last time.


a letter to my 23 y/o self.

hello there, younger version of me. fresh out of the oven, ready to take over the world. lemme give you a spoiler. yes you did it. i dont know how exactly did you it, but you did it. it gets hard at some point, but you're always come around. even if you're knocked down for the 7th time, and you will always comeback on the 8th.

listen. i need you to take care of your ownself aite? taking care of yourself also means taking care of me too. you'll need this in the future. because me, the future you right now isnt so sure of what is he doing. all that energy that i used to have, was no longer there. i was super sensitive. i was mad, all the time. the soul seems to have gone out of me, now.

this happens bcos you have too much to give. not money, not time. but yourself. you ignore yourself. being self-less, has its consequences. i know you take pride of your selfless-ness. you get so busy with people until you forget that you're important too. this is what i've learnt up until today.

heroic act consumes you. so does sacrifices. not every war and battle is yours, and no matter the outcome might or might not be, is in your favor. it consumes you, where it wants you the most. at your weakest point. and the problem with being the strong one is, theres no one offers a hand, doesnt matter if you need it, or not. not everyone matches your energy.

i hope you find acceptance. the kind that rings through your bones. the kind that quiets the voice inside of you that tells you that you are not good enough. or that you're falling behind.

i hope you forgive yourself. for all the mistakes you have made, intentionally, or unintentionally, affecting whoever that just might cross their path with yours. and i also hope that you learn on how to let go.

in order to heal. to grow. or even to survive. you are doing your best. and do not forget, you're a human being, just like the rest of us. you have a heart too. please do not forget that.

now. go out there. live your life. no regrets. you live only once.