the end of the road

i intended to quit being part of the dota community numerous times. but in the end, i always drawn back to it. i keep telling people this this this but not the actual reason behind all of that.

lets start with these organization of mine. we consist of few people who are dota enthusiasts and were into dota. me personally, i have a personal background of my own. i grew up with this thing, knows people thru this thing, and contribute to it.

seeing this thing grow, and perhaps people can carry on for me, so i can slowly fade away and retire for good.

but it didnt seem to happen anyway. some people sees this as opportunity. to climb up the social ladder, just to be in the hype just bcos they are excited about things, events, the fame and shit. but then it comes to the real labor, semua pun malas. heck, they didnt even bother to tanya. apatah lagi amik port.

and everytime things are not in order, it was always me. keeping things together. sorang-sorang. one man show. sendiri pegi sendiri tulis sendiri buat. wheres the others? some would probably run away, tinggalkan mcm tu bcos of personal problem. fokus benda lain. abis orang lain takyah fokus benda lain? orang lain takde life yg dia nak kena manage? kinda sad seeing things you've spent time to build, hilang mcm tu je.

responsibility plays a very big part in this. kau dah sibuk2 nak join bagai sbb ada event, kau jugak yg lari lepas tu. sibuk2 nak colab sana sini, pun tak terbawa. i cleaned up your mess few times before. buat program tinggal, buat program takde orang jaga. amende? kalau tak boleh commit, tak serius, takyah la kot. kalau nak jump social ladder, nak people to know you, pun tak payah jugak.

and dgn bangangnya our regulator (ESM) n astro hiring some noobs untuk channel egg network dia. dont think i have anymore interest in esports. no point dah buat benda ni. takde feel. diorang bukan buat benda ni out of passion. these people have lost their way. and me seeing this, makes me lose it all.

i will stay with the team until the end of the year, and thats it. no more for me. im done. time for me to be selfish and focus on what i want to do next.

mojo, and its gone

i have been very lazy and super laid back when ramadhan happpened. with the change in my timetable and work, it turns me a very terrible and irresponsible person. lets starts with my morning routine. i need to get to the office at least before 9. and i sleep everynight at 2, and wakes up for sahur at 4, which is a very early to me since i've moved out and stayed with jerol. i realized it was my fault bcos i cant adapt to the time. and i end up overslept till 10 - 1030, and went to work very late and lied a few times.

this is not me. and then, supposedly the time to go home at 430. but since im hunting for market out there, i always kaw tim with my driver suruh tutup pukul 2.30. so i can go home at 3. i barely came to the office since the area im working is within my travelling distance, so i took advantage of myself and my routine by sleeping late, and waking up late, in a cycle where it happened for a month n counting right until now today.

i am very disappointed with myself. and this is why i write this down so every time i came down here to rant, i would read this one and feel ashamed of myself. god. this need to stop. i keep giving myself a grace period so i can start into a new routine but it just wont work out, for now.

to list it down again, my travelling distance to office increased, and i didnt have a proper bike to go to work because it can only go at 80 kmh max. so this adds like 20-25 mins travelling time to my 45 mins ride. its hard. sometimes i have to go work early in the morning, sometimes masuk petang, this unbalanced and uncontrollable environment (seems like flexible but it does not) also contribute to this. for now theres no way to fix this besides to get a better bike which can travel a lot faster, while maintaining my sleep routine 2.30 - 6.30, so i can have a 1 hour to bersiap, another 1 hour to travel.

*i know, trying my best to fix my sleeping pattern and then i can only get my bike on september, just dont judge*

there. but thats not it.

my attitudeeeee. its the biggest. lately i have been working on n off because of my mood. when im rajin, and my higher self we in motion, i will do my work accordingly, but starting this bulan puasa, i am very lazy ya know. i keep on procrastinating. delaying petty works which can be done in a few mins, and didnt keep a very good communication between my team. i was like, ah ok, ok buat je anything report back. masuk telinga kanan keluar telinga kiri. i havent apologized to my partner for covering my ass up everytime i turned up late to the location that i needed to go. doesnt even speak to him becos i keep on hanging out on social sites while juggling thru work. he must be mad at me, thinking im a jerk, and he would smack my face off.

 this, has got, to stop. and it already begin. i started with a 12 hour event routine, and yet still arrive 30 mins late, and still make it to the event despite salah jalan and so. and i spend 12 hours collecting demand list and it does feel good, and it pays. penat, layu, tapi layan je. baru terasa penat dia bekerja secara betul-betul. dah sebulan lebih sedap, ha padan muka. more events coming these few weekends as Q3 kalender starts. next is i have to make sure i show up in the office 4/5 times in a week so i can update myself with things and listen to my team and get updates about them.

and i am not used to being alone, it has been 2 months since i have been getting morning calls/texts/wake up call and someone to actually hushes me around. i miss that person sometimes, sometimes the routine. gotta get myself used to it. did it before. going to do it one more time

eh dah. sendu pula dia

fun fact : it would take 23 days to change one's routine. and it resets everytime you cheat.

sup, its raya 2016!

i got the chance to go back a bit longer during raya. kinda miss home. everything changes. the family, the people, the environment, my friends. the batu pahat i know, suddenly, i dont know anymore. but it kinda feels the same too, somehow. oh yeah, sempatlah singgah summit haritu. all those memories, growing up there...theres no more summit parade batu pahat.

heres my family. thats me from the left, my brother celi, my mother, my sister yaya and my littul bro man. without dad this year. hes raya-ing with his buddies there at dhaka. haha

my my aunts and my cuzzies and nieces and newphews. sibuk main handphone. 

it does feels like raya. waking up in the morning, hujan di almost semua tempat. and the food. gawd so nice. oh oh lupa. yeah we still organize bbq mcm biasa this year dekat pt besar. the 6th year, i think antara tahun paling tak ramai and chill je. small one. hanging out the boys as i didnt really go back to see them often. dem good people.

people keep calling me abang tarik kereta bcos of my hair do. hahah. and guess who's back in town? the JG guys. its takes forever to gather these people around, lagilah tgh raya ni. luckily hari sabtu tu masing2 dah boleh kata reda beraya, apa lagi, bersidang la. sani is getting married this coming 6 aug. marking the only ones left in JG guys were me, falah and wan. falah is getting there, wan in a few, me? i havent made any progress on this one. and i kinda promised myself not to have another one within a year. so i can focus on my things, career and maybe farm a lil bit of money for another trip. i havent went anywhere this year besides langkawi and sabah for iza's wedding. planning for pangan juga this december with jerol n lap n fami but we'll see how. desperately need vitamin beach.

the boys, 22 years and counting. 

meet wiwi. the house cat. all she does is sleep, eat he cookies, pretending to watch tv and being scared all the time. 

i'll see you in the next post! ja!