i guess i just feel like

i dont know how to make it up to you. for the loss time. i know i have been busy. i tried, but theres too much on my plate right now. and i know i am being selfish too. you know i dont say no to every request..but i keep saying no to you.

i understand that the fact youre hurting. bcos of me. tapi, understand this. its not only you. i choose not to reply text lately. bcos its too much. i choose not to answer phone calls, bcos i dont know what else to say. im out of words. my friend just died, im occupied with the cafe and production stuffs, i got one big event to cover, im having job promotion interviews and exam too and i only get the rest when im home. itu pun kalau takde orang yang datang to lepak. i would, i would love to say no, but then belum apa-apa dah sampai. kalau takde orang datang, i get home from meeting only to have another meeting via discord/skype.

i havent take care of myself too. look at me. i look like a hobo. who've lost his job, his work. screwed over. i havent get much sleep. rest, even eat properly too. poor megan too. havent give much attention to her well being. oil change is overdue. need to service megan too but it seems like i dont have the luxury of time to do so.

i promise you, give me sometime to sort this thing out. and im not going anywhere. i need to breathe. i need space. i might not reply every text or pickup every calls. youre on my mind. i always think about you. just hold on a bit longer.

the day i've lost a brother, and a friend.

its been one week. since madi's & syu passing. i still find it hard to accept. they both gone. to be there when it happened, was the hardest. i cried, like a lot. to the point where i feel like my head and eyes are going to explode. wasnt me alone. arip, fai. shah. i felt and share their loss. whole kcr family. arip cried as soon as he arrive to my office. i hugged him. and calm him down. i cried all the way to the hospital. cried again when i arrived. cried again when the whole family arrived. cried all the way to shah alam, cried again during solat, until he were put away down there.

and during the whole process, we all talk about how madi was a good friend, brother to us. he were always there. for over 10 years, hes been a very good friend to us. and he left. god loves him more. thats for sure. jodoh kau dgn syu panjang madi. together. dari hidup, sampailah kau kembali pada dia.

rehatlah sahabat. its time for you to go now. surely, we'll meet again someday later. for now, rehat elok-elok. kami yg ada akan sentiasa doakan semoga roh kamu dan syu sentiasa bersama-sama orang yang soleh. amin.

 kenduri madi di shah alam

 gathering 1st kcr kat pc, 10 years ago exactly

kenduri madi di tepeng

kalau nak cerita semua, tak habis kenangan dgn memori sepanjang-panjang kita berkawan. dan aku hargai sepanjang-panjang kita berkawan madi. takkan ada gantinya. 

i could use some space for myself, right now.

tough day. almost had a breakdown today in the office. on tuesday morning. these few weeks are quite overwhelming. i havent had rest weekend since last 3 week. i have been juggling work and business, at the same time doing stuffs for twtdota, mostly on my own.

i cant take it. at one point in today's operation meeting. i think i've lost it. all i heard is noises. at the same time, tunnel vision. drowning in my own thought. air is thin. i feel suffocated.

few moment passed. i just had to go out from that environment for a while. went into the toilet and wash my face. collect myself. got it under control, but then it is not the same. still feel suffocated until i get home.

things are crazy, right now. progress happened too fast. i thought i could do it, it really push me to the point where my body and mind would break. and the worst part is im doing it on my own. with little to no help at all. after work, coffee shop meeting, after meeting, just to come home to another meeting.

i strongly feel like i need to disconnect for a while. so i came here.

some space, please?