december. again


i am still breathing. dont worry. if any of you wonder. i know i have been missing for quite sometimes. and its not because of i didnt have time to come here to tell stories or i have been busy or whats not. 

its just i have been struggling with some issues. like losing focus. demotivated. uninspired. like im losing my mojo. the constant changes around me makes me feel like that. it seems like i cant catch up with the changes and i simply let myself lost somewhere..or in between. 

i am the opposite of my own self right now. i feel stuck somewhere between my own mind and will. waking up isnt as easy as it should. my routine and discipline deteriorated. i always find an excuse for not going into the office as i am avoiding responsibilities. i feel tired all the time. going home after lunch were my routine. and i sleep a lot. its the same with everything, not only work.

been avoiding, ignoring people. buat apa layan, like they gonna offer me help anyway. menambah masalah adalah. always need to help them with this and that. bagi lagi semak kepala. currently trying to break the cycle bcos its getting worst. bos pun dah tegur awat asik tak masuk office. selalu orang tak kesah sangat aku masuk ke tak but somehow they do and probably tgh effek performance. hari2 adalah struggle. celik mata, rasa mcm tak worthy lansung bangun pagi and do stuffs. for people. even for my ownself. lacking the motivation to keep on going, nobody to fight for. 

definitely bukan vibe hujung tahun. feels like the my own demon is catching up with me. to swallow me whole. and theres nothing i can do to stop it from happening. 


hi. its been a while isnt it?

i have been busy for the past 2 months. a lot happen. good ones. some are bad too. but thats fine isnt it?

(actually i suck at dota for now bcs i havent played any for at least 2 months, and overwatch is down for maintainence and i got spare 20 mins, to write shit down here so this site and all of its dream wont die, and i have no one to text to "insert some sad meme over here")

but i didnt lie about a lot of things happen, i just curi as many time as i can to juggle between work and having fun. i just cant spare some here, so i would have things to say here.

ok to sum it up, like really short :

career wise : i just got upgraded and found myself in my version of "game of thrones" theres alot of bad guys out there who wants me out, and i desperately need a mentor. who can teach me how to get things in order without being an ass or sendiri makan hati.

and i havent get the chance to cuti rehat betul2 since the last long weekend raya haji. my body is getting weak and tak boleh dah keje direct like i used to..last week was...tiring...but at the same time rewarding. work, sukan company, work again. no effin break in the between.

love life : didnt go as planned, after anis got her answers and she told me that she doesnt know what to do with the information. and i said, we cud be friends, if shes ok with it. no terms, no nothing. but i think, anis is one of the best fling i had all these years. kind, gentle at heart. 100% wud do it all over again *sfx* do it again  - pia mia

and the rest, vids down here.
yardi kno whats goin on he he.


ok enuf, enuf. theres nothing happening yes. but then, i wanted to share things, maybe datang dengan gambar berserta sepotong dua ayat.

did some modification to megan, theres no more undertail/mudguard. took it out, and replace with some fancy signal and horizontal plate number. cey. oh ya dah repair juga the tank yg bocor haritu. yay

went to kelantan for fit tm 2017 competing in..traditional sports, carrom. haha. lost the game, but enjoy my time being here. like i always said, my culture is kelantan, my hometown is johor. 

kepelbagaian nasi ketika waktu sarapan di kelantan. dari kiri, pulut panggang, nasi tumpang, nasi air dingin, nasi kerabu. oh ya, lokasi di kopitiam kita, kota bahru. kelantan sekarang dah ada grab car, sangatlah mudah bergerak kemana2 dan pastikan anda balik awal waktu malam untuk mengelakkan kekurangan grab. sini quite peaceful, awal dah sunyi.

(tiada dalam gambar, roti titab, teh tarik madu, sup ikan sg er apa tah nama dia)

singgah ke pasar cik siti khadijah. mak kirim rempah kari, kurma dgn kuzi. senang cerita, kalau datang kelantan tak singgah sini bawa balik rempah kepok serunding, rugi beb. kelantan is all about food. penang? ok la but not as delicate as kelantan food. 

team taman desa during our family day @ afamosa melaka. enjoyed the night. lose the performance that night, but obviously, won their hearts. now they know i can sing, and its always me now who sings at events. sigh.

haaa. this. see that crack at megan's tank. some arab kids somehow/accidentally toy around with local buggy, and someow landed and hits megan and she fell. breaks my heart.

side mirror too. renyah nak repair. the spare parts comes one by one, part by part. and i have to wait almost 1 month to fix and restore megan to its original state. was pissed but then considering the kid's father paying for the damage is ok la. makes me hate kids more than ever. i already hate em for being a menace at the dining table. and now this.

wow, finally. an update from me. 

but expect more updates from me. cos right now, as in today, 11/10/17, i manage to somehow sort things that have been going on. slowly adjusting myself and would have some free time too, to come here and write my stories as usual. okay, i think im gonna go to bed. and tgk la kalau rajin, 1 week 1 update.



today suck. not because i have to work on weekends, or not being able to enjoy my weekend but i think i've reached my limit. i sleep around 4 am yesterday only to wake up 3 hours later to go to work. usually adalah rasa ngantuk penat apa semua tu, normal la. tapi harini boleh rasa dia punya penat. kepala berat. badan takmau dengar arahan. tapi paksakan jugak bangun mandi pastu ride pegi keje. dah la spec patah haritu sobs. pastu sekarang naik motor mcm orang buta sebab silau nak mampus. sampai2 je event, tak boleh nak fokus orang cakap apa. mcm bingit sangat lepas tu dah tak daya dah nak layan, aku ha ye kan je semua benda. dalam sejam lepas tu baru la dapat duduk pastu makan semua. terasa dia punya penat (tua) sampai to the bones.

sejak buat dua kerja ni, lepas balik keje je tido, which is totally not ok dgn tak sihat. tidolah dari 630 tu kadang lajak sampai kul 9. ikutkan nak nap je, tapi dah baring apa benda semua. hari-hari mcm ni for the past 3 weeks. i tried not to sleep or rest, ternyata lebih buruk padahnya. pukul 9 ke pukul 10 dah rasa mcm nak mampus?? lepas tu cam taknak la tido awal sangat nanti celik awal pun masalah kan. so drag la sampai pukul 1 camtu. dah penat sangat, tak boleh tido. so i toss and turn lah on the bed until 3 or 4 camtu.

disiplin makan pun tak jaga. makan tak makan. tak ikut time. berterabur kehidupan aku. pastu stress build up lagi. bahu sangat stiffs. indigestion. otot sakit sbb tense sangat. popped one atarax just to relieve my stiff shoulders and esoknya regret sbb mood swing and tak habis2 rasa sloppy dia.

i havent had any break (proper ones) where i sleep and have a quality me time. dapatlah sehari off hari rabu tu but haritulah nak pegi bayar bill, haritu lah jugak nak pegi jumpa orang, haritu jugak nak ini itu lepas tu membawa sampai ke malam ada meeting untuk event twt_dota pula. thank god everything is pretty much settled - venue, activities blah blah blah, tinggal nak up poster dengan siapkan printing baju tuk di jual that day. i have lost count dah berapa kali kata nak retire from all of these thingy and still, here i am..doing stuffs.

and i feel people around me is kinda dragging me down. and if i could lose all of these excessive baggage coming out from these people, i would feel a lot and so much better. i can do better. i can be better.

not too late for a july post

look at that title. raya aftermath. life has been pretty much crazy for me, while down the hill for some.

chester bennington's death. anis. getting back into life. less than in a month, things went crazy. dont even know what's what. too fast.

i wish i could come here often and jolt down everything. but i dont really have the time to do so. been trying to sort my activities and schedule but time wont just let me. theres a lot to things that i want to tell. some good, some bad, ramblings, questions (often left unanswered).

there were also conflicts, mostly not mine (somehow i ended in one) and been trying my best to keep everyone together, with all of my might.

thats it. for now.

RIP Chester Bennington. thank you for all the years i spent growing listening to your songs. 
thank you for making me feel like i am not the only one and all alone. i bet most of the people feels the same. something i could relate to, where conventional day-to-day parenting doesnt really apply. 

p/s : whats there, for us to pick it up all over again, knowing there were nothing left, to talk about. or even dream about.

Selamat Hari Raya!

hi. i know, i know. i have been missing out. i am tryna to go on with my own life. to live another day, and to discover what does life have to offer for those who seek *REALL BEBB*


part yang meneruskan kehidupan tu ye. and yela, kena la keep on going kan. honestly, i have no problem to get back to the top of my game before. i mean, work-wise, social-wise, and mostly everything, cuma i cant stop tryna find the answers why, until i realized, sia-sia kot. the signs are already there. no point. and then i stop. and start enjoying my days.

and yeah, selamat hari raya. patutnya post this shit waktu kat rumah hari tu. tapi disebabkan aku sangat arrogant (tak bawa balik ps4, tak bawa balik laptop, tak bawa balik cica) so kinda terputus hubungan sekejap-sekejap dgn dunia luar. i think i cud do it, the life yg aku pernah lead before. but after almost 10 years masa berlalu. i dont think i can do it. hahahaha. but slowly over the week aku rasa cam nak pindah balik juga. if given the chance la. tenang kat kampung. everything is within my reach. maybe lead a low profile life. sebulan sekali turun kl jumpa kawan2. bawa diri. bela kucing dua ekor.

ok dah. toksah nak real sangat. heres whats been happening with my raya this year.

tadah, jersey saya dah siap akhirnya! prepare for this coming TI7 next august cey. kan dah cakap nak buat pubstop n shit. and seller ni dia takde team china, kalau ada dah beli IG punya jersey. quality - OK. selesa. cutting mmg nice. tak rasa my man boobies nak terpop out mcm jersey2 lain asdjkajdajsdasdjl.

bbq with the boys. back to the original 7, for the 8th year. mmg tradisi raya aku kat kampung dgn hommies kampung, malam raya kita orang akan buat bbq. so hangout. catching up with them. 

hi, meet paktam. 

haritu balik johor, ride sama dgn 2 brother ni. time ni kita orang benti rehat jap. paneh gila penat. and gambar ni is sangat lah #goals AF. miskin takleh!

raya family photo without abah, again for the 81237976123 year. tahun ni semua kale orange or peach whatver.

me and megan di pagi raya

malam-malam takde kawan nak ajak lepak, lepak la dgn wiwi dgn paktam dua ekor dari siang, sampai malam tengok TI SEA qualifier, pandai pula tu tengok. pastu bila orang sorak2 dia pon ngiau2 hahahaha bila tak layan nak gigit

sedihnya, ni je yang tinggal tahun ni yg dapat collect kat kampung. ma JG dawg. 4 orang je. last year kehadiran gila babi penuh. haha. since ada yg this year start beraya kampung bini. and guess what? epi dah ada baby boy la siot. epi ada baby boy is cam...ok buat aku tertanya what the fuck did i do with my life. even epi settled down and got himself a baby boy. and i said, i tried, twice. end of story

everyday is asam pedas day kalau balik batu pahat. ni dari kedai yang paling top kat batu pahat, asam pedas generation. member punya kedai. same taste throughout the years. ikan fresh. kuah tip top. nasi kukus aroma pandan yg sangatlah...gaddamn.

world famous mee racun tulang taman seri manja. i dont think this deserve any explanation isnt it? and guess what, belakang rumah ajerrr

ni, hidden jewels dalam batu pahat. hanya pure breed, truest batu-pahat people je tahu. kedai roti nan shuib, belakang post office. buka 6 pm sampai 12 am. the best foken nan evah. and kuah dia, gaddamn. kambing, kambing cincang, daging, daging cincang. and guess what? bubur ayam, mee goreng mamak dengan lontong goreng, boleh dapat 24/7 sini. takyah cerita ar sedap dia dia mcm mana. if any of you guys datang batu pahat, nan shuib is worth the visit.

okay. itulah sedikit sebanyak tentang raya saya tahun ni. oh ya, minggu depan 16/7 ada buat open house kecil-kecil untuk kawan-kawan. datanglah kalau free. and walaupun tak meriah or hype mana raya tahun ni, still boleh rasa the spirit of raya yg mana ramai kata diorang tak rasa raya best la apa la. i had my fair share of fun. raya is best!

till next post, ja! 

you move on. you lose nothing. you upgrade your game, upgrade yourself to a better version of you.

rasanya dah separuh tahun juga away from dota stuffs. last one is ESL Genting awal jan ritu. and now, since beberapa kali dah plan nak buat our own pubstomping tapi tak jadi jadi, this time, we gonna do it fo real, TI7.

the plan is to cam copy bts punya style, sambil2 ajak orang datang enjoy tgk final ti7. jual merchandise sikit2 and get along dgn semua yg datang tengok. few times dah sebenarnya nak organize instead of kita live update dekat twt_dota. and since this year punya organization pun dah restructure, new faces with fresh new energy n idea. seems like i am not going to retire from this anytime soon. 

anyway, meet the new team. 

ni buka pose ritu. lama tak gather mcm ni ramai2. izzoe pun dah duduk ipoh, iza takyah cakap siang malam keje buat mrt busy, raimi dgn company n baby sofea. and theres me, at least half of me sbb ezt nub tangkap gambar.

zyl, ezt, abu (not in pic, nani) sambil kena interview dgn press.

early may. nani datang so we hangout

so, theres like 2 place to choose from tuk dijadikan kita orang punya pubstomp. satu is escapade subang, which is cafe style n so, and since fundevour pun mcm nak assist, so im currently considering it. and another one is buat style betul2 pubstomp dekat mamak (ali b) kot. and sebelah dia ada mineski baru buka. so...since we can do something untuk promote mineski (we worked together few times juga for several events before this). i havent ada masa nak tulis the proposal betul2, tapi ini la idea dia for the time being. and since tak ada lagi jadual bila TI actually start dgn jadual apa semua nak register lagi for pubstomp kat valve, im gonna plan this one carefully. 

i didnt play video games with no ambition to be better, or never going to be part of it. you can tell me your stories, played this goddamn game from dota 1 bla bla bla. not until you meet me. i have been in every level of it. played for a team? done. win some cup? done. coach and manage a team? done. organize my own event? done. name it. i am not like you. i actually understand this game, i can feel it. not like you. you understand nothing about it. you cant even control your mouse properly. let alone understand the mechanics n meta deep enough. not to mention, contribute anything for the community.

X, Y, equations, actions and consequences.

kita semua ex orang. tak kiralah. dalam percintaan ke, pekerjaan ke, kelas ke, kawan ke, apa benda sekali pun. jadi tak perlulah kot rasa mcm best sangat.

selama-lama aku kenal pempuan, dan yang mana jadi gf ke apa benda you wanna call it, tak pernah sekali pun habis cara tak baik. eventho i have been cheated on, kena tinggal gitu takde jawapan ke, gaduh benda bodoh tapi takde satu pun yg end up jadi enemy ke membenci satu sama lain.

but not the current one. i dont know why and what happened. its fine, aku faham la dah habis and takde apa, patutnya dah boleh move on. sure we dated like few months and dah exchange i love you and all of that stuffs in between. tak apa, its ok u can call me gila ke syok sendiri ke whatever and it doesnt change any fact at all.

tapi ketahuilah. i am not that low nak sindir ke nak perli ke nak ajak gaduh and all of that stuffs. theres no need for me to do that. because i already tasted the best, survived the worst up until today. you just wont understand. i know you would read this (someday, sort of) and rasa mcm wtfnya.
but, whatever i am saying on my social media account, its not about u. i have tons of other things to think and worry about dari find my way back to you. tak susah pun nak faham - bila orang dah taknak, orang taknak. and i dont think you tak kenal pun kawan2 i. they all suka menganjing. and normallah/biasalah kawan-kawan menganjing, and kita layankan jela. takde sebab kenapa nak kena sindir or perli benda yang dah habis. you do you. tapi kalau nak terasa jugak dgn come by read all of my tweets, its on you. i am not a coward like you. running away from things. i confront things. i solve conflict. and this, shows how much you're insecure about yourself. looking for attentions, validations. bukan diri sendiri buat pun nak claim diri sendiri buat. tak rasa malu ke dgn diri sendiri ultimately? kemudian dgn orang sekeliling? and if i wanna take you down, i already did. bukannya tak pernah buat kat few liars over social media ni.

if i want to maki, i oredi maki. bukannya you dont know me. good job on sending few guys to pick a fight with me but they all are fuckin pussy (yeap pussy af). bunch of jobless/brainless kids over social media. dah la penakut, no game no frontin at all. hate me all you want. but you yourself tahu kot.

satu lagi tak payah la kot nak justify orang baik adalah orang yg tak pegi club tak mabok tak this tak do drugs and stuffs. narrowminded gila. i'd say, jalan dulu kat atas dunia ni, at least separuh dunia. and kenal lagi ramai orang. because people sin differently. and raised differently. doesnt mean he/she didnt do drugs, hes the worst kind of a person n tak layak nak bagi pendapat or hidup. you said urself you tak judge people and yet, you do the opposite. tak perlu bangga pun dgn benda2 mcm ni. being raised right, and do all of the right things ada beza dia. one can be alcoholic, or an addict, tapi dia tak menipu mcm you. or maybe even better, he help people tapi dia tak pernah tunjuk pun how when or why.

i dont wanna fight you, or even hate you. let alone talk to you. i did everything that i could. until one day, i realize, you are not worth the effort because u lack empathy inside of you. because to you, maybe your proud of yourself by being pretty and stuffs, but that isnt gonna last long. just because you're pretty, and stuffs, it can compensate your shitty attitude, example - lying. and not to mention sommore things. full stop.

were fuckin adults. act like one. and i dont need any validation from anyone like you. and i do judge people everyday and goes to sleep without no regrets. also, i am a proud drug addict. even better, a high functional drug junkie/addict unlike your shitty friends. loser IRL, loser in social media too.

sudahlah. why dont you be you, and i'll be me. and for your record, tak pernah sekali pun terniat or terlintas nak stalk ke apa benda. people tell me things all the time. i dont have to drag myself down to your level nak stalk2 or tengok2 orang ni. and please do your homework before cari gaduh ke send some kids again ke whatever. dont give me a reason to hate you pula. were fine like this.

and wow, ini 1st time bad ending rasanya. before this i've dated few people, and tinggalkan elok2, tapi tak pernah pun bergaduh ke apa benda mcm ni. jadi kawan siap. takde masalah apa.

things that i kinda miss a lot

its bulan puasa again. pejam celik, pejam celik, dah puasa. and dah bulan 6. wow so fast. the last time i keep track of time is waktu CNY. pegi pd. cam laju gila. eh, alih2 dah puasa.

i kinda miss a lot of things bila tiba bab puasa ni. family jgn cerita lah. i lost track dah berapa lama tak balik rumah makan sahur dgn buka dgn family. and now they are all in dhaka, it seems impossible to gather everyone as a family, sit and makan sama-sama. last time dapat duduk sekali makan is zaman belajar, eventho tak berapa nak bercakap dgn family, tapi boleh rasa semangat family tu.

currently adik stay sekali, tapi dia pun cam endah tak endah je, keluar buka puasa dgn gf dgn kawan2. tinggalkan aku sendiri makan kat rumah sorang2. akak kat johor, probably living her own life, adik sorang lagi pun kat johor, maybe buka dgn tunang dia or kawan2 dia.

i have friends. a lot of them. sure mmg la boleh buka sekali takde masalah tapi point dia kat sini is family. anyday pun boleh pegi makan dgn kawan2. tak ada masalah. i mean, lama sangat dah rasanya tak jumpa family sendiri, makan lauk mak masak n rasa puasa sesama kat rumah.

kadang2 jeles tengok kawan2 opis balik awal, nak buka dgn anak dgn family masing2. tinggal la aku sorang2 kat opis terpinga2 cari kawan nak buka dgn sapa. ada rezeki, makan dgn hosmet, kalau tak, pegilah kedai abe tu makan sorang2 terpinga2. takde sapa tanya makan apa, dgn sapa, kat mana. yep faham, benda2 gini trivial je bagi some people. but bagi orang yg sebatang kara, yg almost 10 tahun jauh dari family, benda2 gini agak terasa bila tiba time dia.

masih ingat zaman kanak2 dulu. time puasa dulu selalu dekat hujung2 tahun so cuti skolah. jadi semua pon balik kampung. berbuka dgn cousin semua. malam2 p tarawih pastu main mercun. ah good old times. i wish that i could go back to that time.

growing up sucks. being an adult with responsibilities, sucks big time.

hello darkness, my old friend.

lately, for some unknown reason, aku rasa aku diselubungi kebencian yg teramat dan memuncak tanpa sebab. tak kesah apa ke siapa ke. sampaikan ada satu masa tu aku cam dah terlalu rasa menyampah, benci, meluat sampai rasa lemas dgn perasaan ni.

i am badly affected by recent breakup. i have lost my complete trust among people. hilang dah rasa sangka baik. hilang juga pertimbangan dgn logic reasoning aku. plus aku rasa manusia ni, tak layak kot untuk dibantu mahupun berbudi kepada mereka. last week aku ada tolong this girl. shes gonna commit suicide because dia busted dgn mak dia, tgh buat perkara yg tak bermoral pukul 3 pagi. so aku rasa cam, kalau aku tinggal budak ni, mati la kot dia. bersungguh nak mencabut nyawa and benda yg keep dia dari bunuh diri is me. so i talked thru it sampai la pukul 4 pagi and i really need to sleep that time sebab esoknya kerja n shit. and i leave my num, just in case dia nak someone to talk ke apa.

and the next day, guess what? her mom texted me, saying things like i am a bad influence to her daughter, ajar benda bukan2. i was like bitch stop right there, get your facts right. cuba baca balik conversation anak kamu dgn saya. apa benda kandungan dia. and terus aku rasa mcm wtf gila babi, rasa menyesal tolong pun ada. honestly, selama2 sepanjang2 kehidupan aku menolong orang ni, tak pernah ada sehari aku mengharap apa2 balasan. tak pernah sekali pun. selama2 7 tahun kerja dgn tm ni, tak pernah la aku minta balasan tiap kali aku tolong orang regarding masalah orang dgn tm ke apa. merungut sebab kena tolong, yes. tolong orang tapi tak ikhlas pun yes, tapi mengharap balas, nope. thats not me. so back to the story atas tadi, aku dah la tgh mcm ni tak stable, lepas tu kena pulak mcm ni, pastu relate balik dgn nature aku yg suka tolong orang, aku rasa mindset aku dah twisted and it cannot be fixed anymore.

and thats why, aku rasa manusia, tak patut di bantu. tak kira la they deserve it or not, and sebab nature kita sebagai manusia yg mmg tak pernah nak mengharai or bersyukur, lagi la kuat instinct aku untuk membenci manusia. tengok orang bodoh benci, tengok orang minta derma benci, tak kira la apa pun, i seem cant stop myself dari ada perasaan benci dgn amarah.

yes aku tahu this is not healthy. tapi years enduring dgn pendam rasa, being used, again n again, i became a monster myself. buat balik orang balas tahi. buat baik orang tikam semula. and every night sebelum tido, aku akan bergelut dgn inner conscience. to help or not to help. to be good or not to be. endless, kadang2 sampai lemas dalam thoughts sendiri sampai tertido.nak masuk 2 bulan stgh dah breakup. dari sedih, sekarang aku lagi rasa selesa ada dalam keadaan marah, lepas tahu she played me. rasa benci yg meluap2 yg tak pernah padam. dari nak berubah slow2 menjadi better person, aku jadi makin "dark". takda lagi tapis2 kalau berbicara, takde lagi memikir consequences kalau confront orang. its all about making myself puas, or to be heard.

banyak lagi nak diceritakan. tapi biarlah kot dulu, mcm biasa, post draft banyak2, tunggu masa sesuai, baru boleh publish satu per satu.

akhir kata untuk post ini, kalau korang rasa aku dah lebih sangat, bawa2 lah tegur aku. tak apa, aku jenis marah sekejap, lepas tu baru berakal. soft side aku tak mati lagi, ada lagi. cuma aku no longer have control over it. tak tahu lah aku ni beyond help ke apa, but please kalau nampak n rasa aku dah go over, stop me. dont let me go down that lane.

3 week++ hiatus?

my god. its been almost a month that i didnt update anything here. i have been busy. like real busy. i dont know where to start, but here we go.

ha ni dia kete eksiden, pukul 3 pagi kat bangsar kena sodok dgn motor. takda kemalangan jiwa yg perlu dilaporkan, semua settle alhamdulillah. 

and actually aku baru je naik cuti from a long well-deserve break lepas habis tempoh kaunseling aritu. ha ni nak cite, haritu kena panggil pegi kaunseling sebab berperangai kurang menyenangkan dan menyusahkan orang. tapi aku bukan sengaja. yeap, wasnt my best moment. been thru some shit recently, losing my judgement and decision making calls. kenala brainwash sikit2 on how to carry your duty and stuffs, self empowering and shit. and habis the sesi kaunseling ni i was given 2 week break, and i took another 1 week of leave to rest.

i went to perhentian, redang, and penang. thinking that the sea would heal my broken self. but it doesnt. theres no cure for the sickness, so pure. it is hard, for the early couple of days. and it turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months. up until now i sometimes cam terasa. and kalau tak control, its gonna swallow u whole. and yeah, i am slowly recovering from it, and i would take some time before fully recovered

sampai jeti pukul 630 pagi. lawaaaa gilaaa sunrise pantai

gateway to heavennnn

jonny boi and jonny cash. oh ya, during this period aku lansung tak shave at all, berjambang siap. lain gila rasa. cam wah bad ass gila, kadang cam tak kena pun ye. biasalah tgh gila kan. mana la fikir sangat pasal diri sendiri.

actually aku ada je menulis dlm tempoh sebulan ni, tapi banyak sekerat2, sebab rasa mcm tak habis tulis, and ada juga plan untuk keluarkan post mcm double back to back, tapi since dah naik kerja and tgh sibuk juggle between things, kalau ada time, aku akan post la kot. from time to time, kalau rajin, singgah la sini baca.


why dating guys in his 30 is a game changer that every girls need.

im gonna tell you a secret today. and girls out there, please, keep one if you find any!

1. you girls will have better idea of who they are versus who the could become. man in his 30s are already molded into the person they should.

2. men in his 30s had their hearts broken over and over. and because of that, they are less inclined to take love for granted

3. they are most likely concern about being honest rather than tryna look cool all the time.

4. they no longer see that by being single isnt the best thing in the world. nope.

5. flirting publicly with girls over social media changes from "normal things" to "embarrassing problems"

6. and their idea of "toxic" masculinity slows down. their life journey had them understand that real strength isnt impenetrable walls of stubborn ego nor being humiliating arrogant. at this point, their desire to be valued, to embody responsibility, straightfowardness replaces the need to be macho.

7. men in his 30s and their taste in people significantly deepens. they are more interested with the women they want to spend as much time and each day with, not every few weeks or one night.

8. they shift their focus from wanting to be the guy who has the most fun to the guy who have it all. they will come to understand that reading books, dress well, knows how to cook dinner and how to ask someone out properly on a date is not lame and uncool rather than the cornerstones of a well rounded considerate functioning individuals

9. men in his 30s will take relationship more seriously and as a by product. they would treat people in them with more respect.

10. most of the guys already spent few years developing themselves in their careers. and because of that, the experience teach them to be humble, and make them knowledgeable in their field or skills.

11. by now, they are capable enough of basic functioning. cook meals, keeping their apartment organized. manage themselves well.

12. also, they tend to realize that being with someone is better than being right all the time. and they've grown to know that the two cannot usually coexist. and a lot of love are lost to the latter.

13. obviously, they are not afraid to care, and they learn how to shove feelings away under thinly veiled layer of anger and dismissiveness inside of them. in fact, now they learn that its better to deal with it, and to be honest.


isnt perfection is what we all need? some want my life. but i want something else.

goodnight people. ja!

list of benda bodoh yg di buat sepanjang hidup

boring keje sabtu harini. ada rumble jumble raid event somewhere around sunway harini. it is, the list of benda-benda bodoh yg pernah di buat aku sepanjang aku hidup (yg mana ingat)

1. balik mengaji bawa batu bata dalam beg sbb nak buat empangan kononnya. this happen when i was 7 kot. hahaha aduh apalah. berdarah + cacat juga jari. kekal kesan dia sampai harini. balik mengaji tu pegi pikul 2 batu bata pastu konon2 nak pegi la block air dalam longkang. entah mcm mana terlepas, terhempap tangan sendiri XD

2. pernah print duit palsu n pakai kat kantin sekolah, kecoh sampai polis datang, lepas tu act tak tahu apa2 cakap dapat dari kedai lain asdjhkasdjhkasdjhasdjhasdjl. happened time form 5. 

3. patah tangan waktu darjah 6. naik basikal sampai atas bukit, lepas tu jatuh berkicap menyembah bumi la cerita dia terseret 100 meter lebih. balik rumah steady, pastu mak tanya apasal baju kau kotor, pastu dia tengok tangan aku bengkok semacam, terus dia menjerit asdjlhasdjasduasddsjkasdjl. 

4. main mercun kat kampung sampai masuk rumah orang, pecahkan tempat semayang dia shshshashasdhasdjasdjkhasdjkasdl

5. quit uitm waktu degree. i think ini mentionable sebab dah last sem kot? quit sebab ada masalah sikit?

6. part 1. pergi travel ke krabi/phuket dari malaysia naik kereta without any guide/gps/proper preparation. probably one of the best moment in my life. ahahah bodoh betul. aduh rasa nak repeat je lagi buat benda gini

7. part 2. travel ke vietnam lalu jalan darat naik range rover old school with the same party time ke krabi dulu. but this time dengan preparation pun, masih bodoh gak sebab takde radio rosak, pastu drive dia 2 hari stgh pegi, 2 hari stgh balik, mental as fuk, tapi steady. was offered sup kelawar in the middle of cambodia, dalam kedai makanan moslem bcos diorang ingat aku local asdklasd;jhasdjhqweuoaduasdguioasdgukl

8. waktu form 6 sekejap dulu, pecah rekod. form 6 pertama dalam sejarah heskul batu pahat yg di tubuhkan dari 1818, tak pernah ada lagi form 6 yg kena sebat atas perhimpunan.sebab kena sebat? makan awal, lebih awal dari pengawas dan cikgu. pukul 9 sarapan kat kantin asdijasdhasdgkasdgyasdgy

9. selamatkan wan dalam laut cetek sebab dia cemas pastu lemas sendirian. mcm la orang gila aku berlari2 pegi kat dia, pastu dia struggle, n dalam aku tgh heret dia nak pegi pantai, terpijak la pulak sea urchin. berkicap ha kaki tembus. sampai sekarang agak trauma kalau pegi laut dalam nak snorkel ke dive ke apa. to describe the pain, lain mcm beb. mcm kena bedah without anesthetic. sbb benda tu kan ada bisa, so lepas terpijak tu kawan2 aku heret la naik pantai, apa yg aku boleh ingat time tu "weh kaki aku putus ke? darah ke?" pain was so intense. pastu sampai2 kena papah pegi kat sorang life guard ni, dia tuang cuka. pastu suruh kencing kat kaki yg kena tu sbb bagi hilang bisa. malam tu pegi clinic pegi cabut the remaining duri kat kaki, n doktor bagi pain killer high gila. pastu pegi makan aku dok buat benda pepelik sbb high hsdhasjhasdjhasdj. aduh memori sungguh

10. pegi naik faiser hill dgn bloodbrothers pukul 5 pagi, lepas tu mandi air terjun atas bukit pukul 7 pagi. bapak sejuk nak mampos. bodoh juga la moment ni sebab time balik tu, semua dah penat. yg tinggal berjaga aku dgn falah je. falah drive, aku teman sebelah, pastu jalan nak turun faiser tu punyalah gila bergaung dgn takde barrier. pastu yg lain semua padam dah tido. pastu tak abih2 tanya falah ok tak? wei ok tak? selang 10 minit sbb takut dia tertido pastu masuk gaung. and falah revealed after so many years, dia kata few times dah sebenarnya dia nak tertido n kete nak masuk gaung. HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA kepala hotak lah

good ol days huh? actually theres a lot more tapi aku rasa 10 ni yg paling memorable kalau nak diceritakan. anyway, see you in the next post! sikit lagi boleh balik keje n main overwatch!


the return of the prodigal son.

i went back to hometown last week. my lil bro getting engaged. given the circumstances that i have been thru for the past weeks, yeah why not balik. take my mind off for sometimes. seems like almost everyone is there when i arrived. the first question that pops out from their mouth is

"eh balik sorang? patutnya bawa la balik gf, kata mak kamu, kamu dah ada gf bla bla bla bla"

i can only smile. sedaya upaya control supaya tak tunjuk muka garang/panas/nak makan orang yg entah tak boleh dah kot nak ubah. terus masuk bilik. mood mmg dah out. penat lagi. malam sebelom balik tu kena sekolah dgn gm pj sbb behavior last week.

i have been skipping major meeting 3 hari in a row. masuk court HR sbb i filed a report against my colleague yg asik cuti isnin for at least 2 years. im mending my broken heart at the same time so everything was so messed up to one point it explodes and there was this clusterfucks everywhere all around me.

to summarize, work sucks. and i didnt behave like i should

i cant think straight. my judgement were clouded. even strangers dekat petrol pump pun suruh aku senyum a bit. toksah cakap kak nana dgn eda lah. diorang paling perasan. bos kenapa? masam je. bos okay tak, bla bla bla. i know they are trying to cheer me up. but all i need right now is sometime off. for myself.

and sambung balik cerita tunang tadi, so petang tu pegilah ke rumah tunang adik. sebelah taman je. kinda reminds me of ... never mind. i left the ring kat seine river in 2013. jambatan tu pon dah roboh. hahaha. belajar la juga sikit2 camne nak handle tunang n adat all of these stuffs. koyak, tapi layankan je.

rumah pempuannya. and those adalah hantaranya.

this will keep her diam sekejap for a while n not bothering me  

my dad, my bro, mom and tunangnya 

balik rumah and found her this fat! siapa bagi makan ni!!!! wiwi gemuknya kamu. and i have been talking to wiwi eventho dia bukannya faham pom kan. cakap pastu dia ngriauu ngiau je like she understands. pastu bila panggil dia datang meleset pastu baring. btw shes indoor cat. tinggal dalam rumah. makan semua terjaga ada sorang jiran ni akan datang bg dia makan isi air dia n cuci najis dia dlm toilet. pandai bawa diri kucing ni jaga rumah dgn paktam

tgk. betapa gemuknya budak ni compared to my arms. makan tido ngiau. 

and malam tu lepak dgn wan n epi. kebetulan wan pun balik dari kuching, epi mmg ada kat bp. bila dengar kawan2 struggle dgn life and compare balik dgn what im going thru right now. timbul la juga sedikit kesedaran. what im going thru now isnt nothing compared to them. epi struggle cari kerja. almost 3 bulan dah menganggur. wan minta pindah dari kuching ke putrajaya tapi wisma tolak everytime. we talked about stuffs. things, life. time heals.

i dont know when will be the next time i'll be home again. maybe raya. we'll see


the week before pegi manjong. dtg tengok tos kawin. kan berkilat kepala aku sebab botak licin hahaha. aduh... but dont ask why. these manjong fellas were just like family to me. more than teman sembang, lepak and borak. 

sure, i'll play why not

since everyone is playing this today on group whatsapp so..why not?

circa early 2010 - degree life at uniten. time ni tgh AF5 ceyy. cas2 AF lak. tapi tak. ini akademi facilitator. saja join since dah last2 kan. why not? i used to hate kelab wawasan bcos they gave me hell zaman register uniten dulu because they treat transfer credit student mcm aku (tua) ni serupa budak2. so i geng up with some other TC guys and wreck hell along the week. eventually idk, jadi kawan baik pula dgn geng2 wawasan ni and stuck pula dgn diorang sampailah hari ini. 


circa late 2014 - early 2015 - misi banjir kelantan. spent the whole month here, serving kelantan waktu diorang banjir. as tm guy, and as twt_dota. kita ada buat donation games n stuffs. good old days :)

ignore my eyes becos kena bangun awal jam 5, kena gerak dari kota baru ke manik urai pedalaman nun sana, everyday liddis 5 am 5 pm summore. probably the one of the awakening moment in my life.

circa late dec 2016 - early jan 2017. hi. this is me, acting cute, tapi sebenarnya koyak. oh and theres a big ass giant nutella sammich, time ni tgh gerak dari venice ke milan n berhenti kat diorang punya R&R - Autogrill. 


circa late 2005 - early jan 2006

my days at uitm puncak perdana. lepak kedai ibu time ni. part one masscomm puncak perdana.

hey u. kayum from 2006. how are u dooode. i am kayum from 2017 want to tell u that u were a great man. man up from now cause the road ahead is very bumpy but somehow u'll make it. everyhard work pays. and please dont be so hard on urself


now that i am in my early 3 series age. i feel like sharing a bit whats it like to be in your 30s.

to think that i am able to live half a lifetime as normal human (avg dying age is at 64) is incredible enough. but signs of oldness is now showing.

i could say i have enough exercise (simple ones) and living a quite active day (if tak balik pukul 2 ke 3 hahaha) summore naik rumah tingkat 4 everyday, nak pegi makan pun eksesais balik makan pun eksersais sbb turun naik tangga. and rajin juga topap air mineral berkotak2 so boleh la nak kata lengan ni sado.

ok. here we go.

1. lately kalau overworked sikit, terasa penat dia pukul 6 petang tu. lepas tu nak drag sampai ke malam (sabtu ahad kalau ada event) dah rasa tak daya. i used to work 12 hours a day, sometimes 17 hours. kadang2 malam ada breakdown, balik kul 9, kul 12 pegi buat migration bagai larat je. these days keluar pukul 10, pukul 5 lebih camtu dah call gg

2. belom pukul 10 malam rasa dah berkicap habis. mata out. ada juga terlelap pastu jaga baik just because nak go throughout the rutin - game, series, movie. end up hilang focus sebenarnya since ur body dah hafal the activity and ur brain is....nowhere...

3. metabolism dgn selera makan. there will be time i takkan lalu nak makan. dari sarapan sampai la ke malam. dua tiga sudu pastu cam .. dah. tapi tak rasa nak makan. lapar tu terasa tapi mmg sungguh takde nafsu. probably faktor umur dan juga rutin makan yg tidak dijaga dari dulu. since i work in the field, makan tak menentu. lunch pukul 4 lebih, sarapan 11 lebih, malam pun makan lewat juga so...perut dah tak larat. once suffered from ulcer sampai kicap2 8 cm kena tebuk ha. and kerap juga la sipi2 nak gastrik. last time i check, i suffered from GERD. usus naik sampai ke esofagus, so kena makan bebetul, timing bebetul. sigh

4. i have very low libido. kurang sex drive. tak tahu la kenapa and i hope i just dont turn gay. noooooooooooooooooooo

5. this is the time where you will have money, but less time and energy to spend it after long of years working ur hard ass off, and ur friends is leaving u one by one because they got married/died 

6. emotional breakdown is your playground. so man up thru whatever obstacle or crisis. only look straight forward since theres no point on fixing what has already been said and done. try to enjoy life. 30 y/o is a great age to see things from different perspective.

7. by now, u should be able to reflect back to all the things u've done in life. and ultimately know what u want by now. right and wrong becomes so clear with every choice we made, every path we walk.

8. u dream about someone dear/close to u dying. are we ready for it? 

ok i should go to bed. since im gonna make writing as my routine (escape from all bad thoughts) and im having a minor tonsillitis and its killin me slowly. 

i'll try to be a positive person, bit by bit, amin.


10 years. 10 years!

i started this blog 10 years ago. haha kalau ada anak, dah darjah 4 kot. and i dont think masih lagi ada kawan-kawan yg masih menulis up until today. so..i think about time to reintroduce..i mean, rebrand/recap whatever yg i think i should.

so. here we go.

im 30 y/o this year. i am pretty much burnout from life. it has been hitting down on me back and forth, and it feels like a reminder - everything im having now, its just a loan. and i learn it the hard way, happiness doesnt last. i worked in one of malaysia isp for at least 7 years (april 2010) and work my hard ass off since day 1, and here i am now.

i am man of many things, some were things that i didnt even proud of. but deep down, i keep battling my demons down, always on constant fighting with my inner conscience, doing whats wrong for the right reasons, and vice versa. it doesnt end well tho..everytime. to the point where u didnt keep any for urself in the end.

i am currently the head of my family since my father working overseas. and because of this reason alone, i feel like im carrying the whole mountain behind my back, ignore my own needs and wants, kept myself shut for a very very long time and i could explode anytime soon. there a lot of things in my mind.

i tried the marriage road once. it didnt turn out like how its supposed to be. i've chased her half across the world for 4 goddamn years and yet, it feels like i havent done anything. it took me half a year recover. u dont know what does it feel like watching all of ur buddies gettin married one by one, leaving u alone tryna figure out what to do with leftover u.

then, round 2. i chase another girl half across the world (again???) she left me when decide to pursue her master degree in Scotland, edinburgh. and i dont know, within a year she manage to convince me to do this one more time for the sake of it (we kinda promise when she get back in 2 years time, and if either of us isnt married yet, we gonna go for it) and then things went sour again. i got caught up with work, the timezones are really being hard on us, shes being urgh, i just cant. shes perfect, just..
it just doesnt seems to work, the distance, the time, work..

i tried to make things right. i tried to arrange things last december, my last attempt on saving whatever left of it, but then..she didnt came. i dont know what i did, she left me hanging without answers. all i know, she change her ticket to new zealand, and i was left alone in italy finding out answers by myself. right there, i promised myself that i would never want to fall in love or have someone for the rest of 2017, and only want to focus things on myself.

theres no more i could offer. i have tone down my ego. i even lowered my ego to the level it kills me inside. doesnt make me feel half a man i am. i was begging for answers, and how could you do that to me. (ok worry not im done weeping for her)

still, i am the same person i used to be before. i mean, the usual stuffs. i still loves video games, i love beaches. i love travelling. i love cooking. i cook sometimes. and i am currently slowly backing down from any esports activities beside attending event as a guess myself, tryna enjoy what other people enjoying.

things that happened last march (update);

-cuti kena freeze. because of my behavior for the last 2 week.
-i failed one exam, assessment due to...i dont wanna talk about it
-anne left me (i dont know, she left me hanging for whatever reason i am not aware of, i did apologize, but still..)
-bro got engaged (hellish weekend for me since everyone is asking what happened between me and anne)
-was being told to keep my shit together dgn big boss.
-i think im gonna get another tonsillitis case, throat has been acting up
-my life is upside down and im at the edge of losing my sanity because of it
-got selected to represent PJ is this coming fit tm in kelantan
-my application to noc cbjy got rejected again.
-blah blah blah.
-now tgh bela this one guy kat rumah yg dah dismiss dari college and im tryna to figure things out (tak sure nak halau ke apa)
-visa to balkan countries is almost done/approved. now nak kena farm duit belanja ke sana (no im not gonna chase another girl half across the world again)

so, i think im gonna hit the bed. i am so tired. beaten to a pulp. see you guys in the next post!


"engkau yang tercipta, mungkinkah tercipta, bukannya untuk ku"

there are things beyond my reach too

i'd be lying if i told it wasnt hurtful at all. heck i thought it wont sting like this. even for a couple of months knowing her, my god. it is just bad as other/previous ones.

i watch myself masuk this safe mode. god knows how slow time goes by that moment. i wonder where i did wrong. just like what happen too. i gave it my all. and still, kena tinggal for some unknown reasons only god knows why.

i did whatever i could to salvage whatever that i can from it. i've sent flowers. i've send sorry text. i even tried calling but none returned. heck i even engaged in a war with mom just to prove her wrong about u. i defended u like i have known u for so long. being in love gave me the positivity needed to go thru this miserable life. i tell myself, if everything else fail, i still have this.

but that isnt right. dots leave me hanging last november. tak tahu apa hujung pangkal where i did wrong. its all started dgn this one small quarrel over attitude dia yg taknak tegur orang yet tak boleh kena tegur tapi nak orang berkawan dgn dia. and now, anne leaves me after i confront her about whos playing her dota account. i just dont understand

obviously, mmg orang lain. and yes kenapa tak mengaku je? kenapa kena amik this too personal sampai kena jeopardize the relationship? i did a lot of things in life which i didnt proud of. but lying is not one of them. because lying, is an offense against oneself. u can cheat u can murder u can sell drugs but that is an offense against the law or other people. i am a very reasonable man who u can talk to. or talk sense to. but this, everytime teringat i will .... sigh...

i promised myself not to get in to another relationship. so many times. its because everytime i decide to jump into one, put all of my efforts and nak serius dgn what im doing now, i just cant do it. perhaps, man like me, we didnt deserve love. at all.

man like me, they can have everything that they could get their hands at, but not love.
man like me, their role is - keeping people and things together, in return, none can keep them
man like me, they exist only to give themselves out until they stop functioning.
man like me, they gave up themselves for others, and keep none for themselves.

ikutkan ego, takkan aku buat semua ni. takkan aku cari semula. but memikirkan, considerkan umur yg dah tinggi ni, aku belajar kot buang ego. aku belajar tone down, aku belajar toleransi. i tried to fix whatever is wrong with us but u wont let me try, at all.

from sad, now im mad. feels like baru lepaskan the beast locked inside so deep for so long. sampaikan tak nampak orang tipu kita sebab kita sayang tak bertempat. i was such a fool. and by default, everyone is a sucker for love. no matter how, what, when and why. kita mmg by default designed mcm tu, always akan attract because of the opposite attraction.

right now, yes i am a bit sad, but i did what i supposed to do, and beyond this point, its all god's work. its funny how love works. just like what i said in previous post, god sure does have his way toying around with me.

anyway. ingatkan nak cuti (el) the whole week. rehat, clearkan kepala otak.. but...aku ni jenis orang yg dah biasa ikut rutin. i need to get back into the routine, and do what i do best. work. hopefully boleh la kot lupa/move on. dah hilang 4 hari ni dekat 2k text..semua org cari. keeping myself busy would do me good. tak payah fikir dah.

incase if you are reading this, i didnt blame you. i blame myself. for being weak, and all vulnerable to you. and i just want to tell you, theres no difference between not using someone for his/her benefit dgn ignore orang. theres no justification untuk ini. one day, when the tide turns, perhaps you would understand why. and please, dont lie to ur next partner. i am smart enough to sniff it out. kalau benci kena tipu dgn belakangkan dgn orang, dont do the same.

kita umur dah tinggi. fucks up isnt allowed at this point of life. u said people keep leaving u bcos dota bagai ni. but look at u. did u tried to change at all? i know i did. and u come to me, and u take half of my heart away in the meanest way you could think of, and leave me broken like this. but thats okay.

i know i cant change u. changes must come within oneself. and we can never have total control over people no matter how hard we try.


now i have to make peace with mom and tell her shes right. and she would laugh without feeling sorry at all. and forever going to haunt me with bringing thing what shud/supposedly tak perlu sebut sbb itu semua dah lepas.

it hurts. i lost count dah. how many times brokenhearted. doesnt matter, pointless.

worry not. i'll live somehow. i always do. i always did.

kayum razak, 843pm. 28 march 17.

mind over matter

and if the world doesnt break,
i'll be shakin it.
cause i am a young man after all.

and when the season may change.
will you stand by me?
cause im a young man, built to fall.

Early 2017 burnt out

I think i have reached my limit. I am burnt out from work, daily life, people. I talked to my personal doctor, and she say the same thing too.

"Kayyam, idk how many times i told you, but this is not healty. Overworked, under heavy preassure n stress. Idk how in the world you could manage to sleep 4 hours a day, wake up early in the morning, carry the whole mountain behind your back. Belajar kesiankan diri sendiri"

And another 30 minutes of consultation related to my mental health whats not. I didnt keep any secret from my doc. She knew things about me which i keep away from people. And i think she should know a thing or two about me so i can get proper medications/consultations.

And she told me that i do get upset when things didnt meet my expectation. This is bad bcos tak semua org can deliver like i do. And bcos i put so many effort and energy into people and things yg wont have the same return as the effort given, i get frustrated. I am being too hard on myself. Her advice, take some time off the world.

I hardly fall asleep at night. If im sleeping, most of the time pun restless. Tak dapat tido yg proper. Bangun pagi pun dah mcm mesen. Bukan sbb alarm ke apa. Sbb otak mmg dah set nak kena bangun pagi so usually akan bangun bfore alarm bunyi. Mcm org baru bangun dari nightmare berpeluh2. Was given atarax to deal with this, but takkan nak bergantung kat atarax sampai bila2?

Balik rumah from work main game pun doesnt solve the issue. Sebenarnya demotivated pun ye jugak. Lepas kalah tjlan haritu, 2nd place, mmg takde mood at all. Last month beli horizon zero dawn, main around 48 hours pastu dah mcm hilang semangat. Last monday beli tom clancy wildlands, pun awal2 je smgt lepas tu...

I feel like taking a week off. Pastu balik kg. Rehat ke rejuvenate my energy semula. Need to break this work-home routine, fill up dgn benda2 baru. Being too efficient tak boleh juga. I feel like going on a vacation too. Wanted to visit my parents but theres so many things needed to be done bcos of the conditions...

Mom also is giving me a hard time these past few weeks. Boleh rasa dia punya stress asik kena push dgn dia..

I need a break. Period.

Horizon Zero Dawn, and im somewhat of down too??

i bought a new game. ok i pre-ordered. again. and it was freaking 3 days late from the release and from what it advertised. kinda pissed because everyone started playing n all i can do is just wait. its been crazy 3 week back to back work. havent had any break in between. cuti pun mcm tak cuti. i cant sleep. having some trouble with the tolerance-break ending period. having black and white vivid dreams. nightmares.

and i kinda feel the peer-pressure of someone's near me whos getting married soon. i mean, his marriage? he did nothing, and all the babbling goes to me and my head feels like its gonna pop anytime soon. idk how did i survive, but i did.

and at nights, suddenly the fear of being left out alone came. eating me whole. its like 14' again. wondering if do any wrong. hanging. just like that, you're gone. the picture's there, like endless loops. prisoner of time. in mind.

tolerance break period is hellish, everytime. but things will get better, eventually. the sleep. the emotions. the bursting and low period of eating cycle. just drink more plain water, sweat the hell out, rest properly.

thats pretty much explains.

Resident Evil 7 - DONE!


its been a while since RE 6 is released in 2012. now resident evil is back with a whole new story, new format, new gameplay, new hero and stuffs.

from 3rd person to 1st person view and from RPG-action turned into its roots - survival horror in 1st person shooter mode.

simply put, capcom is returning to its original theme which is survival horror. they did good when they released psychobreak - the evil within. and now, RE 7.

ok here it goes *spoiler alert*

ethan sets out to find her missing wife mia, whos been missing for 3 years and his search end up at some farm house outside the city. while hes exploring the farm house, he finds his wife mia, imprison in the basement, and during their escape, mia turns crazy because she is controlled by some force and end up attacking ethan. and after the crazy attack, we are introduce to the Baker family. jack baker stops mia from attacking ethan and from there, ethan has to figure out how to save his wife and escape from the house.

along the way, ethan is help by zoe, the baker family's only daughter. zoe guides ethan on how to create serums to cure whatever infecting them. confronting jack, marguirette and lucas along the way, ethan somehow manage to stop the crazy family from killing him. but then, at some point, we gotta choose who we want to save because during the battle with lucas, ethan used one of the serum to take him down leaving only one serum, and we have to choose who to save, either mia, or zoe.

the story continues after that *regardless who do u choose, we now have to control mia* and the story behind whats happening in baker family starts here. we were introduce to eveline, the one who responsible for all thats happening now. eveline is actually a product of bio-weapon from umbrella who has the power to control other people with her minds and generate molds who can turn people into monsters with super powers. and mia is her guardian agent who would monitor eveline. 

and eveline is out of control, she crashed the tanker ship around's the baker family farm house, controls them and took mia in because all eveline ever wanted is to have a family which is she is obsessed about. 

and then ethan finds out the truth and sets out to settles everything for good. he then discovered the salt mine and proceeds to face eveline in her original form - old women in a wheelchair before she turns into a big headed monster. during the last battle, ethan receive help from the military and from the main protagonist of the RE franchise, chris redfield himself.

RE7 is a bit intense early game bcos u have to runaway from fights since it is very difficult to find weapons and ammunitions and players have to rations their supplies as its kinda hard to collect and find in the games. the only way to conserve resources is not to engage everytime u encounter the enemy and play hide and seek instead of blowing them heads off and end up using all of ur bullets for the next big fight. be wise.

neway, main la game ni, best, and theres 3-4 dlc coming in march ni, and jgn la rush main habiskan laju2. take it slow. now im waiting for horizon zero dawn pula, hopefully dapat la dalam minggu ni. been waiting for it like..forever.


until next post

yum's mixtape part 6

hi, since i have a lot of time today, with nothing to do, i think why not i update the mixtape, almost a year tak update kan kan? it goes.

linkin park ft kiiara - heavy

ed sheeran - shape of you

devil devil - MILCK

the story - Brandi Charlie

way down we go - kaleo

unsteady - x ambassadors

help - papa roach

sure thing - miguel

mirror - lil wayne & bruno mars

and thats it for now. ja!

have you ever?

have you ever think, to become, the person who you used to hate. betullah kata orang tua, benci lama-lama suka.

in away, i think, this is god, teasing me. or somehow punish me. in his mysterious ways.

man i used to hate girl gamer so much. to the point where if i ever see one, i go "bvasdjohaweohasdhl why the fuck???"

used to make fun out of friends who had a gf gamer too. in n out. and today, here i am, having one.

 all the things you used to hate, you end up being one?????

and i am really enjoying this. HAHAH

dinner's is served.

i have been on a journey lately. on how to tame my inner demons. i dont know how am i supposed to feel. or react.

i feel at ease. finally, i get to be me.


sekejap je dah 30 tahun. rasa mcm 3-4 hari lepas umur 25. gila. but lately aku banyak fikir. bukan pasal nak settle down ke apa. banyak fikir pasal family sendiri, dan diri sendiri. umur2 mcm ni baru sedar yg tido tu kadang lagi penting dari keluar melepak dan banyakkan rehat dari keluar berhuha sana sini.

sekarang mata pun dah tak payah susah-susah nak paksa tido, lepas makan malam je, dalam kul 9 dah rasa lesu, minta ditidurkan. tak seronok. zaman awal 20 sampai mid 20, ok lagi nak force badan work sampai tgh2 malam pastu tido, n get back to work. now takleh. terasa lesu dia beb lepas keje. kadang takyah tunggu pukul 9, balik2 sampai dalam 630 tu dah out atas katil. padam

main game toksah cite la. i barely catch up now, n kena guna extra effort kalau nak layan mata dah tak awas. energy pun dah tak boleh sustain.

orang kata sindrom tua. gadamn i am really tua now.

2016 in a post, more or less.

hello. i know its a bit late for me to say a thing or two about 2016 because its already and almost masuk 2nd week of january 2017. i have been busy lately, work as always. and perhaps dah terlalu asyik sangat dgn microblogging twisder. neway, im gonna summarize about the year 2016 for me, and all the things i've done through out the year.

i think selama-selama aku bekerja ni, 2016 ni antara tahun paling aku gigih kerja. tahun2 lain gigih juga kerja tapi tak segigih 2016. dapatlah jugak membeli itu ini sikit2, kumpul barang rumah, peti ais 3 pintu, dah beli semula ps4, dapat pegi eurotrip dan sebagainya.

and yeap, finally selepas beberapa tahun, dapat pengganti untuk kerja weekend. finally i can rest a bit. kalau tak dulu hari-hari kerja, weekend pun sapu siang malam.

rasanya dalam banyak2 tahun, 2016 antara tahun di mana aku dapat habiskan few game titles, GTA 5, JC 3, quantum break, last of us, ffxv dan sebagainya. selalu satu tahun nak habis 3 game pun susah, dan agak amazing juga dapat habiskan last of us dalam masa 4 hari, u krazie?

and i personally think that in 2016, is the best year for music. banyak discover artis-artis baru, genre baru. n i moved on from storing mp3s dalam pc, kepada full-pledged spotify user with a lot of playlist. talking about digital age. and no more pirate haha since dah sub spotify.

2016 pun juga produce tv series yg best2 - blindspot, limitless, lucifer, outcast, and few others. its just like early 90s - early 00s'. best era ever. its like history repeating itself.

personal life? - pindah rumah, best decision i ever made despite ada la some part yg tak best pasal rumah baru, but doesnt matter, dah solve pun isu tu. dah kembali aman di man-cave *lucifer's lair*

besides, aku ada juga buat side income - juai android box yg dah siap di rig (boleh tengok astro ya gais, do contact me kalau berminat).

kawan-kawan pun satu satu dah settle down, ada anak siap. including attufah yg baru je engage last new year. wao. im falling behind. probably the last one standing dgn falah/wan.

love life? ended. tapi sikit pun takde rasa menyesal. probably the best lepas 2013. finally someone yg i could relate, share things with despite kena deal dgn dia punya isu konfident dan few things. such a shame it ended after giving it 2nd try. i guess were not meant to be. not now at least.

2016 - is the year of progress. a lot of things takes place, happened. some beyond my control, some not. and if you were to ask me, puas hati tak dgn diri sendiri in 2016?, yeap, puas. becos great things takes time.

2017 - is all about completing the goals, i dont have any specific goals yg di set ke apa azam ke, since last year is about progress, this year its all about getting it done.

until the next post, see ya