10 years. 10 years!

i started this blog 10 years ago. haha kalau ada anak, dah darjah 4 kot. and i dont think masih lagi ada kawan-kawan yg masih menulis up until today. so..i think about time to reintroduce..i mean, rebrand/recap whatever yg i think i should.

so. here we go.

im 30 y/o this year. i am pretty much burnout from life. it has been hitting down on me back and forth, and it feels like a reminder - everything im having now, its just a loan. and i learn it the hard way, happiness doesnt last. i worked in one of malaysia isp for at least 7 years (april 2010) and work my hard ass off since day 1, and here i am now.

i am man of many things, some were things that i didnt even proud of. but deep down, i keep battling my demons down, always on constant fighting with my inner conscience, doing whats wrong for the right reasons, and vice versa. it doesnt end well tho..everytime. to the point where u didnt keep any for urself in the end.

i am currently the head of my family since my father working overseas. and because of this reason alone, i feel like im carrying the whole mountain behind my back, ignore my own needs and wants, kept myself shut for a very very long time and i could explode anytime soon. there a lot of things in my mind.

i tried the marriage road once. it didnt turn out like how its supposed to be. i've chased her half across the world for 4 goddamn years and yet, it feels like i havent done anything. it took me half a year recover. u dont know what does it feel like watching all of ur buddies gettin married one by one, leaving u alone tryna figure out what to do with leftover u.

then, round 2. i chase another girl half across the world (again???) she left me when decide to pursue her master degree in Scotland, edinburgh. and i dont know, within a year she manage to convince me to do this one more time for the sake of it (we kinda promise when she get back in 2 years time, and if either of us isnt married yet, we gonna go for it) and then things went sour again. i got caught up with work, the timezones are really being hard on us, shes being urgh, i just cant. shes perfect, just..
it just doesnt seems to work, the distance, the time, work..

i tried to make things right. i tried to arrange things last december, my last attempt on saving whatever left of it, but then..she didnt came. i dont know what i did, she left me hanging without answers. all i know, she change her ticket to new zealand, and i was left alone in italy finding out answers by myself. right there, i promised myself that i would never want to fall in love or have someone for the rest of 2017, and only want to focus things on myself.

theres no more i could offer. i have tone down my ego. i even lowered my ego to the level it kills me inside. doesnt make me feel half a man i am. i was begging for answers, and how could you do that to me. (ok worry not im done weeping for her)

still, i am the same person i used to be before. i mean, the usual stuffs. i still loves video games, i love beaches. i love travelling. i love cooking. i cook sometimes. and i am currently slowly backing down from any esports activities beside attending event as a guess myself, tryna enjoy what other people enjoying.

things that happened last march (update);

-cuti kena freeze. because of my behavior for the last 2 week.
-i failed one exam, assessment due to...i dont wanna talk about it
-anne left me (i dont know, she left me hanging for whatever reason i am not aware of, i did apologize, but still..)
-bro got engaged (hellish weekend for me since everyone is asking what happened between me and anne)
-was being told to keep my shit together dgn big boss.
-i think im gonna get another tonsillitis case, throat has been acting up
-my life is upside down and im at the edge of losing my sanity because of it
-got selected to represent PJ is this coming fit tm in kelantan
-my application to noc cbjy got rejected again.
-blah blah blah.
-now tgh bela this one guy kat rumah yg dah dismiss dari college and im tryna to figure things out (tak sure nak halau ke apa)
-visa to balkan countries is almost done/approved. now nak kena farm duit belanja ke sana (no im not gonna chase another girl half across the world again)

so, i think im gonna hit the bed. i am so tired. beaten to a pulp. see you guys in the next post!


"engkau yang tercipta, mungkinkah tercipta, bukannya untuk ku"