there are things beyond my reach too

i'd be lying if i told it wasnt hurtful at all. heck i thought it wont sting like this. even for a couple of months knowing her, my god. it is just bad as other/previous ones.

i watch myself masuk this safe mode. god knows how slow time goes by that moment. i wonder where i did wrong. just like what happen too. i gave it my all. and still, kena tinggal for some unknown reasons only god knows why.

i did whatever i could to salvage whatever that i can from it. i've sent flowers. i've send sorry text. i even tried calling but none returned. heck i even engaged in a war with mom just to prove her wrong about u. i defended u like i have known u for so long. being in love gave me the positivity needed to go thru this miserable life. i tell myself, if everything else fail, i still have this.

but that isnt right. dots leave me hanging last november. tak tahu apa hujung pangkal where i did wrong. its all started dgn this one small quarrel over attitude dia yg taknak tegur orang yet tak boleh kena tegur tapi nak orang berkawan dgn dia. and now, anne leaves me after i confront her about whos playing her dota account. i just dont understand

obviously, mmg orang lain. and yes kenapa tak mengaku je? kenapa kena amik this too personal sampai kena jeopardize the relationship? i did a lot of things in life which i didnt proud of. but lying is not one of them. because lying, is an offense against oneself. u can cheat u can murder u can sell drugs but that is an offense against the law or other people. i am a very reasonable man who u can talk to. or talk sense to. but this, everytime teringat i will .... sigh...

i promised myself not to get in to another relationship. so many times. its because everytime i decide to jump into one, put all of my efforts and nak serius dgn what im doing now, i just cant do it. perhaps, man like me, we didnt deserve love. at all.

man like me, they can have everything that they could get their hands at, but not love.
man like me, their role is - keeping people and things together, in return, none can keep them
man like me, they exist only to give themselves out until they stop functioning.
man like me, they gave up themselves for others, and keep none for themselves.

ikutkan ego, takkan aku buat semua ni. takkan aku cari semula. but memikirkan, considerkan umur yg dah tinggi ni, aku belajar kot buang ego. aku belajar tone down, aku belajar toleransi. i tried to fix whatever is wrong with us but u wont let me try, at all.

from sad, now im mad. feels like baru lepaskan the beast locked inside so deep for so long. sampaikan tak nampak orang tipu kita sebab kita sayang tak bertempat. i was such a fool. and by default, everyone is a sucker for love. no matter how, what, when and why. kita mmg by default designed mcm tu, always akan attract because of the opposite attraction.

right now, yes i am a bit sad, but i did what i supposed to do, and beyond this point, its all god's work. its funny how love works. just like what i said in previous post, god sure does have his way toying around with me.

anyway. ingatkan nak cuti (el) the whole week. rehat, clearkan kepala otak.. but...aku ni jenis orang yg dah biasa ikut rutin. i need to get back into the routine, and do what i do best. work. hopefully boleh la kot lupa/move on. dah hilang 4 hari ni dekat 2k text..semua org cari. keeping myself busy would do me good. tak payah fikir dah.

incase if you are reading this, i didnt blame you. i blame myself. for being weak, and all vulnerable to you. and i just want to tell you, theres no difference between not using someone for his/her benefit dgn ignore orang. theres no justification untuk ini. one day, when the tide turns, perhaps you would understand why. and please, dont lie to ur next partner. i am smart enough to sniff it out. kalau benci kena tipu dgn belakangkan dgn orang, dont do the same.

kita umur dah tinggi. fucks up isnt allowed at this point of life. u said people keep leaving u bcos dota bagai ni. but look at u. did u tried to change at all? i know i did. and u come to me, and u take half of my heart away in the meanest way you could think of, and leave me broken like this. but thats okay.

i know i cant change u. changes must come within oneself. and we can never have total control over people no matter how hard we try.


now i have to make peace with mom and tell her shes right. and she would laugh without feeling sorry at all. and forever going to haunt me with bringing thing what shud/supposedly tak perlu sebut sbb itu semua dah lepas.

it hurts. i lost count dah. how many times brokenhearted. doesnt matter, pointless.

worry not. i'll live somehow. i always do. i always did.

kayum razak, 843pm. 28 march 17.

mind over matter

and if the world doesnt break,
i'll be shakin it.
cause i am a young man after all.

and when the season may change.
will you stand by me?
cause im a young man, built to fall.

Early 2017 burnt out

I think i have reached my limit. I am burnt out from work, daily life, people. I talked to my personal doctor, and she say the same thing too.

"Kayyam, idk how many times i told you, but this is not healty. Overworked, under heavy preassure n stress. Idk how in the world you could manage to sleep 4 hours a day, wake up early in the morning, carry the whole mountain behind your back. Belajar kesiankan diri sendiri"

And another 30 minutes of consultation related to my mental health whats not. I didnt keep any secret from my doc. She knew things about me which i keep away from people. And i think she should know a thing or two about me so i can get proper medications/consultations.

And she told me that i do get upset when things didnt meet my expectation. This is bad bcos tak semua org can deliver like i do. And bcos i put so many effort and energy into people and things yg wont have the same return as the effort given, i get frustrated. I am being too hard on myself. Her advice, take some time off the world.

I hardly fall asleep at night. If im sleeping, most of the time pun restless. Tak dapat tido yg proper. Bangun pagi pun dah mcm mesen. Bukan sbb alarm ke apa. Sbb otak mmg dah set nak kena bangun pagi so usually akan bangun bfore alarm bunyi. Mcm org baru bangun dari nightmare berpeluh2. Was given atarax to deal with this, but takkan nak bergantung kat atarax sampai bila2?

Balik rumah from work main game pun doesnt solve the issue. Sebenarnya demotivated pun ye jugak. Lepas kalah tjlan haritu, 2nd place, mmg takde mood at all. Last month beli horizon zero dawn, main around 48 hours pastu dah mcm hilang semangat. Last monday beli tom clancy wildlands, pun awal2 je smgt lepas tu...

I feel like taking a week off. Pastu balik kg. Rehat ke rejuvenate my energy semula. Need to break this work-home routine, fill up dgn benda2 baru. Being too efficient tak boleh juga. I feel like going on a vacation too. Wanted to visit my parents but theres so many things needed to be done bcos of the conditions...

Mom also is giving me a hard time these past few weeks. Boleh rasa dia punya stress asik kena push dgn dia..

I need a break. Period.

Horizon Zero Dawn, and im somewhat of down too??

i bought a new game. ok i pre-ordered. again. and it was freaking 3 days late from the release and from what it advertised. kinda pissed because everyone started playing n all i can do is just wait. its been crazy 3 week back to back work. havent had any break in between. cuti pun mcm tak cuti. i cant sleep. having some trouble with the tolerance-break ending period. having black and white vivid dreams. nightmares.

and i kinda feel the peer-pressure of someone's near me whos getting married soon. i mean, his marriage? he did nothing, and all the babbling goes to me and my head feels like its gonna pop anytime soon. idk how did i survive, but i did.

and at nights, suddenly the fear of being left out alone came. eating me whole. its like 14' again. wondering if do any wrong. hanging. just like that, you're gone. the picture's there, like endless loops. prisoner of time. in mind.

tolerance break period is hellish, everytime. but things will get better, eventually. the sleep. the emotions. the bursting and low period of eating cycle. just drink more plain water, sweat the hell out, rest properly.

thats pretty much explains.