the absence


its been 5 months hiatus isnt it? a lot happened during that period of time. i havent been posting, but i do keep up with my journal. most of the writings isnt appropriate to be posted for the time being. dark hours. being so lost so out of place for months, trying to look for myself. not the best thing to share. 

its been almost 2 weeks since im trying to live my new life routine. i was out of control. self destruct, countless acts of self sabotaging because i am addicted to it. no any other reasons. the last breakup was devastating. and its started to get it toll on me day by day. 

tbh, i dont really know how to process the whole journey. of separating, losing someone you hold dear very much. i tried. fyi. with everything i have. and i thought by not processing it, trying to skip it at least it wouldnt hurt that much. doing drugs or getting high helps, but i'll always succumb to the pain and void you've leave behind. 

my nights - unbearable.

my days - empty

no matter what i do, it doesnt seems to help to ease the pain i've been feeling.  

but dont worry, its not like im losing hope. im trying to cope here. tryna move on with life. i know this would take sometimes. one step at a time. i've been resetting my life, tryna live healthy. these days i smoke a lil bit less. started to go to the gym, sleep early. and in the end i realize that the person that i need to beat, is my ownself. 

im on my way there, and through this journey you might find me a bit tense (its due to the tolerance break from all of those drugs, chemical imbalance inside of my head - yes i knew the risk and i knew how to get a hold on those episodes, no harm, i did my study). just avoid getting on my nerve (dry conversation, asking me bout my day and am i okay - i am okay unless stated otherwise).and yeap its all good.

this year is one helluva of a year. 2020. 

we'll make thru this year, somehow.