endscape

back then.

used to text about whats gonna happen tmr. not realizing that the time is around 3. sleep around 2 hours. get up. rise and shine. put up some perfume. got lucky? u'll get a ride. unlucky? u'll have to wait 1 hour for the bus. and the ride is about 40 mins. and take another bus, and the ride will be another 40 minutes. arrive at the center, wait for her. or wait her at times square. a movie or two. a well done dinner. a ride back on a monorail.
the departure. the text. another long wait for the double bus. the pause. the text. and read the card for the day.
a kiss goodnight.

henti

howdy, 345 am. cant sleep. perhaps daging2, nasik, mee, sirap selasih, bebola ketam ikan ayam sotong ntah hape benda tadi yg aku makan kat q-thai masih belum habis di cerna. untuk sebab yang tidak berapa nak jelas, saya seperti tidak boleh hentikan diri.

hentikan diri dari apa? itu biar saya sendiri simpan. susah nak berhenti dari membuat perkara yang menentang norma kita sendiri. sedar tak sedar, dari perbuatan mudah, menjadi tabiat, dari tabiat, menjadi norma. sehari tak buat, tak boleh. sebenarnya, bukan mati tapi tu lah, mendatangkan keburukkan.

sebenarnya dah banyak menyakitkan orang dengan norma ini. sebenarnya kenapa saya gunakan perkataan norma ni? well background edu saya, saya adalah budak meskom. fine meskom. saya belajar benda2 ini, tiba2 teringat pada perkataan norma ini. sesuatu yang dah di biasakan. dan menjadi amalan hidup.

dah berapa kali dah cuba stop diri dari berbuat sedemikian, tapi tak berjaya. sekarang jalan terakhir adalah untuk memencilkan diri. teknik ni belum cuba. tapi rasanya sekarang, umur dah senja ni, rasa nak cuba. ah persetankan. aku tak banyak masa lagi. saki baki yang ada ini, sebolehnya nak guna untuk bakti. cukup suku abad aku hidup ni dengan merosak diri sendiri dan merosakkan orang lain.

nay. its not about this and that and her. its about me, realizing i need to do something with this cheap life. i've spend 90% of this life perfecting gaming, trying so hard to make gaming as my career and i've failed. badly. still i do have a decent and good job for now.

"everynight, i keep asking myself the question for the last 4 years, and i keep repeating the same answer, "you". realizing the answer is u, i tried to gather what options do i have left, but i was left with no options, no re-write, no remake, no turning back and "you" holds the key of my question which left un-answered"

what is the point holding a key to happiness, having the world on ur right, having all the wealth that u need on the left, but without somebody to hold it both with?

ask urself.

what took u up to this point of life. do u know what drives u to this life ur living now? do u take any chances? do u risk it all? do u fight with all ur might?

Project 365

i've got nothing to share. lately im just living life. doing my job. a little bit of this and that. and im just going to tell u that i've started on a 1 year project called project 365. and im gonna edit this blog header, and press the link. u'll get to view the photo.

thats all.
goodnight.

something to write/share

its 119 am. and im listening to rob steward's sailing after watching hitch. its like kinda happy but mellow mood. i know i shudda been sleeping by this time, but i think there is a need for me to write, as writing is one of my passion besides dota and bikes.

honestly i've been thinking this lately. what are the odds of me learning and re-do my mistakes when given a chance to do so. i mean, not that silly mistake that i did. not that those silly things. no no trolling flaming n stuffs, not that kind. the one that i've been doing over and over and over again. hurting people u love the most. hurting people who arent supposed to be hurt. hurting that only friend that u have.

have u give a thought about that? well in my case, its a bit personal. or shud i say about the one i love. prior or shud i say earlier from this timeline. long way before i am now.

wait. i need to switch off the lights. before i continuing writing. and i am going to change my music to faith hill, breathe. please. do u tube this while ur reading my pointless rants.

its been 5 years. yeah 5 years since i was like, really2 in love. wait. i shudnt rant about this here, i've shudda rant bout this in vldvydtyd instead. but nevermind. im not going to disclose anything there but to share, what i wanna do and my expectations towards my actions.

i havent been there. so i dont know how. why. how. the feeling. and by the word "there", the best phase to summarize is - is to live the life with ur other half during the universities day, i dont know even she is ur classmate, or coursemate, or not evenboth but studying in the same place or same city as u, and to be able to eat, spend time, to share, to meet without any obstacle, and both of u are on ur own free will, i was never there. i never feel that. all i feel is what i believe texting from the phone. and to this point, i believe, i've lost my youth. im losing my precious youth experience by feeling this distance relationship. and after that, i've tried to have some. eliza, nelly, few more girls. but i've failed. that names that i've mention isnt 1st hand.

what's in common of them is they had this moment where i didnt even had the chance to feel. so i tried my distance game. that time i didnt own any transportation. or even my own money to proceed, so i end up friend-zoning them. which last until today.

ok im done on the 1st part. its 1.47 am. and im listening to nightwish's runaway. and for now. i am not looking for any. i enjoy being a friend, and from that friend i would like to turn it seriously. slowly. and im not looking for a texting type because im working. im a very busy and hectic person. i wont make a text in time. or even enjoying it. i want to pick her up in front of her house. i want to go to some art gallery or festival with her. or to enjoy sculpture and poems. the one who digs books rather than make ups. i want to dine in an exclusive restaurant, one which i spot in kl, a rooftop candle light dinner infront of KWSP building in KL.

i want to cook for her, and we'll all hang out in my house, watching EPL and playing cards, i mean not us, there is a lot of people. movies? we'll do it in my place. DVD's would do. park? in malaysia park is not that nice, further more there will be JAKIM all around, and of course, the blog jilaka betul which someday, somehow will get ur pictures in it. hahaha.

and lastly, is to be able to take her in my bike, to put the helmet on her, and ride to watch sunset at the beach. im tired of distance relationship, im looking for one which i can participate and enjoy. role-playing. actions. words. elements of spontaneous, the elements of improvising.

and i just dont hope or i'll wont find it. it will come to us eventually. sure this thing is really important, but doesnt other thing is just imporatant? and its no the only thing that matters.

i think im being like this because i watched too many films? perhaps? and yeah. i would love to watch movie again with u. just like that last saturday.

leulz what am i saying. LOL.
well, 207 am. goodnight.
happy productive monday for all.