the long hiatus - 2022 edition

 hello. 2022 huh, and its already april. 2nd week of april to be precise. were in jan and now suddenly april. 

a lot happened since my last post. i was crumbling apart, yet somehow i displayed resilience. TLDR, i quitted my day job. rested for whole jan and feb (not really) i was busy updating and building my resume. all those 10 years, kena retrace balik to build me again. and yep. im now employed. haha being a merc for some small isp. yep i am still in telecommunication line but with less stress.

i had several offers. but knowing my own strength and weakness with provided 10 years of experience in telco/esports/event thingy has taught me well. do not rush on deciding my next move. was given a chance to head business development for a big esports corp, to help a friend's startup tech farm, offered a salary of a life time. but after going thru lots of slides and doing research on my own i decided not to. i have a lot to learn, and agricultural thingy isnt my forte too. i could learn, but with the responsibilities and also its a good friend of mine punya startup business, i have to decline. and i sign up with isp, pun invitation from a friend. we worked on a few project before in prev company. 2 years contract and i will try to make the most out of em.

oct/nov/dec - i learn a lot about myself during this period of time. and how to process my own feelings instead of ignoring them. i had to face myself just to break down the walls of ego i've built all these years. its okay to get help. its okay to ask for help. its okay for you to take your time and pace to deal with issues. difficult issues. i have to admit, to change the way my thought of process is one hell of a process. i have to constantly tell myself its okay, you dont have to finish now. take a step back. and try again. i would like to elaborate more but maybe in the next post. the whole process of rediscovering yourself. 

right now. everything is in its place again. im a bit calmer, less to try to control things, and on my path to transcends myself to be even a better, wiser person. i pickup reading again tho. feels good. im reading alduos huxley's book - the doors of perception, heaven & hell. on my 2nd readthrough bcos its kinda heavy, besides making my own notes. also, ordered a few from book depository. same field of study but this time its from terrance mckenna/tao lin

two years of covid - i dedicated myself to embark on a journey that i dont think people could process or digest. psychedelics. i have tripped more than 150 hours i think and i have so many questions i would like to ask. im hungry for the knowledge so i do my own self study. every journal every figures i could dig my hands into. and i found myself. with the use of psychedelics and self meditation. i have travelled to the madness, to find me. i've listened to hours of podcast in the study field, talk to dr and researches in clubhouse engaging in every possible way i could. and at this point of life, i could say, psychedelics usage changed my life. kinda give me the purpose and the push i need just to keep on going. to push the boundary of human minds and how far can our mind go before we break. awaken, is the correct term. some would say spiritual awakening, some would say enlightenment. its in every field of study, related to almost every religion existed. in islam, its called sufi-ism, or mystic-ism. those sufies. in ancient buddha - the book of dead of tibetian, in hindu i cant recall whats its called. all leads to this state of mind. 

i think i will write my experience in details regarding this psychedelics in another post. the whole process. now that i can explain it in a sense people could understand, i think its a call for me to educate people. to enlighten others, to be awaken too. it heals, it soothes. and i felt reborn again as myself, this time around, with knowledge. 

alright, till my next post. selamat berpuasa, stay safe.

here to fall

after what have happened, only now i know why you were never happy. despite having everything you ever wanted. but do not do this to me. i deserve to be happy. please let me be happy.

if you cant be happy for me, or whatever im doing in my life, please stay outta my life forever. im done living the life which isnt mine to begin with. i cant have be having opinions about things, i cant enjoy things that i've earn on my own, which i work so hard for it. i am not a 4 y/o anymore for you to tell me things. the good and the bad. whatever the end result is, its on me. because i choose what to do with my life. not on you

you've hurt me so for so long. i repressed & bottled up whatever feelings i have since i was a child. i know i am a failure to you. being compared all my life with people around me, saying that i will never be enough for you. there was never a day i would have thought i would stop looking for your approval.

i have lived long enough on my own without all of those support system that you all been saying. which leads to the point, i would question you for not asking me things like 

"are you happy now with your life?" 

"whats the matter you look troubled/bothered?"

"if you're feeling tired, take some rest"

all of these thoughts, is what swallowing me whole. after a very long long period of time not processing feelings, or any down moment, or being in denial, this has taken its toll on me and my mental health. but you dont care. dont even bother to ask. all you do is just take take take take take and drop the bomb on me if im not complying to your cause. i have feelings you know. and im hurt. all these years. being compared to people too. why cant i just live my life the way i live my life. 

to whatever approval or or validation that i've been seeking for so long, today is the day where i stop wanting all of those. 

i matter. because i lived this life. i did my part. whats the point of living someone's else ideal life just for them to say, this is not what i want. 

today is the day where i break free from whatever that keeps me down. enough. do not hold me back from reaching my full potential. and things im capable of doing

people could say no matter how bad it is, thats your family. no. i matter. my mental health matter. my life matter. i live this life, the way i live the life. it is what it is.

disclaimer - this post were written long before posting it here. theres a few more coming. depends on my mood 

just because i dont voice it out, it doesnt mean im not suffering

nak panggil bulan lepas dgn bulan ini bulan gila, aku rasa superficial. the truth is, the whole year itself yg gila. for 2 years, hidup kita ni habis mcm tu je. siang malam, pagi petang, susah senang mcm dah tak ada beza. 

at some point aku rasa aku hopeful nak go on hidup another day. but im only human. bila sampai masa, aku penat. aku habis energy nak bagi dah. currently aku tgh struggle dgn benda2 kerja dgn hidup ni. aku faham semua orang struggle at this point. paling kesian, struggle nak hidup. nak makan pun takde apa nak makan. aku bersyukur la aku ada lagi keja ada lagi benda nak buat. but kau tak boleh la nak cakap aku tak struggle. or invalidate aku punya feelings just because aku tak voice it out or aku tak cerita.

i find it funny, walaupun umur aku dah 34 tahun ni, and benda yg paling close n faham perasaan aku - LINKIN PARK. each and every song dari diorang, untuk aku, aku boleh relate. aku rasa mcm aku cerita problem kat aku kat orang yg betul2 faham, dan dengar. benda2 yang aku rasa selamat untuk aku "cerita" pada orang tanpa kena judge. takde prejudice. not even mak aku. sikit la harini aku terasa dgn dia. untuk dia mudah. aku dah keje lama, dah simpan duit, senang hidup aku. and force aku untuk kawin, beli rumah, cari stable life mcm anak-anak kawan dia, mcm cousin-cousin aku. instead of tanya aku apa sebenarnya yg aku buat, apa yg aku rasa, dia buat aku mcm budak. usually aku reply sarcasm, or brush it off buat tak tau. but tah la aku rasa harini aku offended. 

do you know about my sleepless nights? nights, days, years. of tak tido, tak boleh tido properly due things you'd never care about? tau ke aku ni apa benda buatnya, apa benda kerja ni? ada tanya tak aku ni happy ke dgn hidup aku sekarang ni? nampak part aku suka2, nampak part aku cica n merosakkan paru2. but pernah tak sikit la tergerak hati nak tanya benda2 ini? berbual n anggap aku mcm orang dewasa. bukan buat aku mcm budak-budak? 

aku stress kat office. keadaan mcm ni. kerja yg patut buat in a team tapi aku galas sorang-sorang sebab takde satu pon yg berguna dalam ni. yg dia nampak tiap bulan aku masuk gaji, cukup time mintak itu mintak ini. tapi aku tak komplen. aku tau ini mmg tanggungjawab aku. tp buat aku mcm ni, aku ni apa? soul-less ke? mesen cari duit? everytime aku try nak cakap this and that, kena dismiss. dgn benda2 agama, benda derhaka.

aku bosan. apa manusia punya perasaan, experience ni semua invalidate ke bila kita letak faktor agama? apa2 semua kena takut tuhan 1st tanpa ko faham apa dia rasa? bila aku cakap sikit, kena dismis, zikir la itu la ini la syukur la. like zikir would solve my problem if aku zikir sampai aku bisu, sampai aku buta, sampai anak tekak aku pecah. aku tak question tuhan, aku question kenapa kau taknak faham dan suruh aku zikir membabi buta. 0 cubaan untuk tanya aku ni kenapa. aku dah tak kecik hati takde sapa peduli aku buat apa because im so used to it, tp untuk kau make fun n punish n mock, aku jadi frustrated. dunia ni hanya ada agama ke? benda lain tak valid by agama standard? jiwa? hati? perasaan? just because aku tak tunjuk or voice it out, aku tak rasa susah or tensi or whatever? 

mmg nampak senang. takde problem. everyday busting my ass off out there, tp susah dia, aku je yg rasa, aku je yg faham. just because aku tak cukup moslem/islam, maksudnya aku jauh dari tuhan, tuhan tak bagi rahmat takleh tido malam? is that how things works in agama? ada consider faktor lain tak? dalaman, jiwa, fizikal, years of hardwork sampai jadi mcm ni. to you oh ok keje gaji boleh kawin boleh itu ini. tapi tau tak aku buat apa to get to that point?? tak realistik lansung. people need to express. just like you. aku rasa aku boleh faham mak aku. dia tak biasa dan tak boleh proses yg bapak aku skarang dah retire ada kat rumah n dia tak biasa hidup dgn orang tu ada kat rumah. dia jadi mcm tak keruan so dia lepaskan energy dia kat aku by harrasing aku day n night. aku boleh layan, tapi leave out all the rest. dah la nak kena hadap hidup yg mcm sial ni, nak hadap expectation dia dgn all those benda2 ugama yg sikit tak membantu at this point of life. no bukan aku menidakkan ugama, dont get me wrong. but before kau bagi solution, at least kau kena tahu dulu apa benda. bukan stret bagi ugama punya pov, doesnt work like that.

kalau aku cakap the drugs helps me more than solat, what would u say? boleh jawab soalan ni? like in the perspective yg kita boleh bahas, bukan solely letak dari segi keugamaan. dont go provoking me if you dont like my retaliation. also nak komen aku dok carut kat semua soc med lantak la kot. u dont understand at all. this is one of the reason kenapa aku tak share aku punya internal problems ke apa benda dispute dgn orang yg dekat dgn aku. family, even you. aku taknak orang dengar. aku nak benda tu selesai. trust issues aku, aku lagi selesa share dgn kawan2 yg aku jumpa dan hidup tiap hari. sibuk sangat benda orang nak cakap pasal aku, takut sangat orang kata mak tak geti ajar anak, infact, you shud educate the person yg cakap mcm tu, anak aku expressive, tak susahkan orang, tolong mak bapak so dia nak carut ke, dia nak express apa ke ikut dia. i need you to back me up and be proud of me instead of bring me down, and want me to be like the rest of the people. in this life, theres more than black and white. to add on, maybe you shud be grateful aku tak susahkan kau dgn masalah aku. i can manage on my own. 

aku nak masuk 2 tahun kat sini menahan kegilaan, not a single day pun sibuk nak amik tau apa benda. cukup bulan masuk duit. cukup bulan bill paid, cukup bulan mintak je apa. tbh aku tak peduli pun. but never, never invalidate me. never ever said to me yes boleh faham boleh relate. you dont have any fucking idea how crazy it is inside and how lonely on the outside. you can never be the real you because u'll judge, eventho aku tak susahkan sapa2. this is my struggle. this is why i zone out. this is why i cant keep it straight with you, and you. its okay, aku ada system aku untuk overcome benda ni. yes god does play his part in this but its not fair untuk kata aku ni takde akal takde iman punya orang. i am well aware. im no child anymore. maybe its about time for you to accept that i am an adult. i can have opinions, u cant say shit to me cus i just simply wont listen and camne aku nak respon balik is entirely on me. you cant make me do things i dont want. 

im an adult now. im 34. you should treat me with respect. dont invalidate me with some old school tunggang agama kind of nasihat. i can think for myself. not so many people my age lived until today and get to tell their stories.

i got so many things to write and post, this is one of em. and so much more. 

dont kill my vibe. im doing so well right now in this crazy times. 

the absence

 hi.

its been 5 months hiatus isnt it? a lot happened during that period of time. i havent been posting, but i do keep up with my journal. most of the writings isnt appropriate to be posted for the time being. dark hours. being so lost so out of place for months, trying to look for myself. not the best thing to share. 

its been almost 2 weeks since im trying to live my new life routine. i was out of control. self destruct, countless acts of self sabotaging because i am addicted to it. no any other reasons. the last breakup was devastating. and its started to get it toll on me day by day. 

tbh, i dont really know how to process the whole journey. of separating, losing someone you hold dear very much. i tried. fyi. with everything i have. and i thought by not processing it, trying to skip it at least it wouldnt hurt that much. doing drugs or getting high helps, but i'll always succumb to the pain and void you've leave behind. 

my nights - unbearable.

my days - empty

no matter what i do, it doesnt seems to help to ease the pain i've been feeling.  

but dont worry, its not like im losing hope. im trying to cope here. tryna move on with life. i know this would take sometimes. one step at a time. i've been resetting my life, tryna live healthy. these days i smoke a lil bit less. started to go to the gym, sleep early. and in the end i realize that the person that i need to beat, is my ownself. 

im on my way there, and through this journey you might find me a bit tense (its due to the tolerance break from all of those drugs, chemical imbalance inside of my head - yes i knew the risk and i knew how to get a hold on those episodes, no harm, i did my study). just avoid getting on my nerve (dry conversation, asking me bout my day and am i okay - i am okay unless stated otherwise).and yeap its all good.

this year is one helluva of a year. 2020. 

we'll make thru this year, somehow. 

ja!

another raya post.

just some pics, and long ass captions

went to falah's house. one of those blood brothers until today. motor buat hal lak nak balik dia takmau hidup. hahaha. feels great catching up sambil makan. good lad. heres us, handsomely posing fer hari raya haha

1st time beraya tiada family bersama. and heres the family pic without my sister yaya, me and my lil brother man. and heres baby qarizh buat muka hahaha dia ni mmg tau. rindu family. almost 6 bulan takda balik. sigh miss mom's cooking too. will definitely balik for raya haji!

family adik dgn baby qarizh. aint he super cute. hehe

so tak balik kan haritu. i decide to host a raya pardy open house style with ma homies. since lama gila tak lepak, and pkp pon dah longar, we rent this one cool airbnb right next to klcc (500 meter away) for 3 days and 2 night. best gila babi and surely going to repeat next time. families.

heres the pic right outside our balcony. majestic. i stayed right from the 1st day until the next day, to witness KL yang kosong, bertukar dari siang ke malam.