its been a while since the last post. a month ago. i hit rock bottom. everything seems so lost, so out of place. so gone. it doesnt feel the same anymore. right after major all stars. i feel like i am disconnected from people who i believe to be among those people who i keep close. miscommunication, misunderstanding and all sorts.

right now, all of my past wrongdoings everything - is getting back at me. tried to run away. but it doesnt seem like its the best solution

i get mad and angry easily. easily lose my cool and temper. i get tired and gave up easily. i fucked up. i tried to make myself busy all the time and ignore the all of those things but it seems to get to me in various ways a person could ever imagine. trouble was here n there for me. everywhere i go, theres trouble awaits.

my aunt and my cousin passed away last 3 week. it was hard on me. it was super hard on mom. i cant watch her cry, mourning over my aunt's death. day and night. it was hard on everybody. i could not deal with my own problems and sometimes, it just happen. one after another. my other 2 cousin is pretty much alright but not my uncle. he broke his ribs, going multiple surgeries and transferred into few hospital. its now my responsibility to look after them. trying to digest these things, and at the same time trying to figure out and solve my own problems...sigh...

its all coming back to me. one thing is for sure. running away from all of these problem wont help me solve em. i become lazy. a person with full of excuse, sometimes even..i did the worst thing possible..

i dont know where do i begin. i dont know where and when all of these going to stop. i let people down. i let too much people down. i didnt respect myself. and i've lost the respect from the people who i think matters the most to me.

ali texted me last actually 3 days in a row. but i didnt really rply anything because i was out of my mind and under some bad influence. but yesteday was different. i am sober. i sleep the whole day away and waking up to his text. my mind - crystal clear.

he asked what happen to me. also asked for help. to look over him as i passed down the tjlanparty down. i have these flashback of the past. my head hurts. but i know this is the right thing to do. i have been letting people down for so long. importantly, myself.

i know only i, myself can stop all of these misfortune and bad behavior, put and end to it. no matter how far i tried to run or not to accept this from happening, it wont. i have to deal with it. no more running. no more pretending to be fine while ur not.

let today be the day where i learn to pick up myself all over again. and we gonna do this once again