why i feel so overwhelmed and all the things in between

do you know, i lived my 24 hours a day, not for me. not even 80% of my time for myself.

my day starts at 630 everyday. i would wake up 630 everyday for subuh prayer, and gosok gigi before i sleep back for at least 1 hour untiil 730. usually i would mandi first, and sleep. and i will leave for office around 745 am. will arrive around 815-820 for morning assembly which is compulsory and only get my breakfast around 9 am.

and my work starts after that. u might see my rants on my personal twitter like i have no other job to do right? actually i do. sambil-sambil. and i usually work until 245-3 before i go out for lunch. and continue working until 630. and it didnt stop there. if theres a need to for me to go to the cafe to deal with stuffs, i'll go to the cafe, else im staying in the office till 830 or 9-ish. and i go for dinner, and arrive home around 10. or 10.30. normal days. thursday is a bit different. i would go home early and then lepak with put n tims around 10.30 till late.

pretty much lived my day like this for everyday. and this is whats in between. i would like to screenshot hows my whatsapp texts looked like but dont think its proper.

  • few people would randomly text me after a while and ask me for loan for every reason in this world - motor rosak, belanja tak cukup, need advance cash. same person every fucking months.

  • another person would randomly text me to ask me for a loan just to get her kid to clinic and probably get some baby milk powder with the balance. and she would keep doing this every 2-3 week after lepas tolong, and theres no thank you no whatsoever i even offered her work but you know the drill. i will never help you anymore beyond this point, your fucking kid, your fucking problem
  • another random person would text me to ask for help - work/tm stuffs. i mean, theres 100, and theres live chat, can u please do that. - please. if i offered the help, then by all means. dont simply text me out of the blue, asking for some help dude i got so many things needed to be done, and your problem is quite common, dial the fucking number 

  • and another person would text me asking for some advice, kena scam dgn kawan2 despite i already told you so - grow the fuck up

  • few random guys asking me did for some "stuffs" - im done with that shit

  • family matters. i need to look out for my lil bro and make sure hes out of trouble - if you need help, fucking ask for it. im your brother for fuck sake im not gonna forsake you. open up your mouth for once.

  • parents. with this and that. and their issues - its been 20 fucking years. get it fixed. or get a divorce. to keep going on with us grown up, its pretty much pointless at this point. its all draggy and all of the drama makes me sick. thats one hard to swallow pills. and i cant digest that the fact we all have to pretend everything is okay, makes me sick. 

  • and work stuffs. this one i can tolerate. but sometimes its unbearable - sometimes rasa nak hempan hempon. 

  • tm agents would text me from time to time asking for favors - fuck you

and this cycle, never ever ends really. everyday, ada je yang nak mintak tolong like im somewhat a jesus or a fucking savior.

do you even bother to ask that issit okay for me to help or whatever? do you even bother to ask if im happy with my life? all you care is about yourself. and whenever i tried to talk some sense into each and everyone of you, nobody's paying attention

to be honest, i cant keep going on like this. im tired. with all of your fucking petty request. im done. i dont want to save or even help people anymore beyond this point. i dont care about you. i care about me.

all of these, is eating me up from the inside. i might appear cheerful and energtic to you. but do u know that the fact im suffering from this on my own? that the fact that i also need my support system but none of you are capable enough of being one. i dont need everyone, i just need one. if you cant be my support system, then how am i going to be yours.

please. leave me alone for a while. im so tired to the point where no matter how long i sleep, no matter how much rest i had for the day, its not gonna be enough. i sleep with 0 energy, i wake up with 0 too.

there. i keep all of these bottled up inside until it swallowed me alive. i took the day off yesterday becos i feel so tired, so sluggish that i barely get my ass out of the bed. doc said "dont suffer alone" but with people with the likes of you in my life, how can i not suffer alone?

what the fuck have you been doing lately? watch things happen? or make things happen?