the new normal.

hello. hows everyone doing. i hope ya all fine and dandy. the new normal huh? which isnt really normal, considering...circumstances.

my new normal?

its been few weeks since i had proper, normal sleep. i only take naps. and summore naps in between. working from home has taken its tool on my body. and my mind. since currently im working on a rotation basis, it further more ruins my pattern. and also, being in operation, getting emails and the urgency to reply is what keeping awake. i sleep for few hours, text/email came in.

thats one thing. theres time where i felt so alone. tired to sleep it off few times. one time i ended staring at the walls for hours. and the sun came up, fall asleep few hours after on my own. talking to friends helped, a bit. most of the times i'll be working, or play some games killing the time. tired to take a break from soc med for few days, try to spent some me time by doing chores. laundry. housekeeping the pc and stuffs. does help initially. and when you had nothing to do - the cycle starts again.

it is safe to say that at this point, i've lost my motivation. i have no purpose. i lose focus. my mojo. i dont text back. i feel easily irritated. i've bottled up so much inside, few times losing it. most of the time drowning in the feelings of useless-ness. i push people away. even my loved ones. more silly and small fights over and over. knowing i am being the toxic one, i decided to cut myself off. just like that. i dont want to fight no more. i might burst. i dont want that to happen. and for that, i am sorry.

also happening for few times. i would never have thought i've reached my limit - shisha. lol at one point i feel like puking bcos i think i had enough and my lungs are giving up on me. i think, lung cancer is going to get me before corona does.

wfh - besides have to keep up with office work, people from all sorts of places. tanya itu ini. faham, mro and stuffs but can u please respect my space...tak kira siang..malam. want me to do this, to do that. bukan taknak buat, buat je. but with courtesy. and with less urgency. i will tend to your request but please dont push me. most of the things can be checked online/apps kot. try lah dulu before tanya. its common sense. sometimes okay la spoon fed. tapi tak ke tu malas... and it can be super overwhelming for me. my phone tak berhenti masuk noti. i feel annoyed.

mro also has taken its toll on my buddy abu. dude hasnt been sleeping well and i can see him struggling. until 3 days ago he went missing, and i started looking for him. thank god he reached out to his sister and on the way recovering. do check on your friends and family status. just a simple hi hw r u is enough.

okay. i think this is for now. try not to worry about me. so far i survived, eventho its so hard to do so. but i do appreciate tho, if people do check up on me. may this pandemic end soon and we all can go back to our normal, "normal" state.

selamat berpuasa too. stay safe, wash your hands and practice social distancing.