i intended to quit being part of the dota community numerous times. but in the end, i always drawn back to it. i keep telling people this this this but not the actual reason behind all of that.
lets start with these organization of mine. we consist of few people who are dota enthusiasts and were into dota. me personally, i have a personal background of my own. i grew up with this thing, knows people thru this thing, and contribute to it.
seeing this thing grow, and perhaps people can carry on for me, so i can slowly fade away and retire for good.
but it didnt seem to happen anyway. some people sees this as opportunity. to climb up the social ladder, just to be in the hype just bcos they are excited about things, events, the fame and shit. but then it comes to the real labor, semua pun malas. heck, they didnt even bother to tanya. apatah lagi amik port.
and everytime things are not in order, it was always me. keeping things together. sorang-sorang. one man show. sendiri pegi sendiri tulis sendiri buat. wheres the others? some would probably run away, tinggalkan mcm tu bcos of personal problem. fokus benda lain. abis orang lain takyah fokus benda lain? orang lain takde life yg dia nak kena manage? kinda sad seeing things you've spent time to build, hilang mcm tu je.
responsibility plays a very big part in this. kau dah sibuk2 nak join bagai sbb ada event, kau jugak yg lari lepas tu. sibuk2 nak colab sana sini, pun tak terbawa. i cleaned up your mess few times before. buat program tinggal, buat program takde orang jaga. amende? kalau tak boleh commit, tak serius, takyah la kot. kalau nak jump social ladder, nak people to know you, pun tak payah jugak.
and dgn bangangnya our regulator (ESM) n astro hiring some noobs untuk channel egg network dia. dont think i have anymore interest in esports. no point dah buat benda ni. takde feel. diorang bukan buat benda ni out of passion. these people have lost their way. and me seeing this, makes me lose it all.
i will stay with the team until the end of the year, and thats it. no more for me. im done. time for me to be selfish and focus on what i want to do next.
the end of the road
mojo, and its gone
i have been very lazy and super laid back when ramadhan happpened. with the change in my timetable and work, it turns me a very terrible and irresponsible person. lets starts with my morning routine. i need to get to the office at least before 9. and i sleep everynight at 2, and wakes up for sahur at 4, which is a very early to me since i've moved out and stayed with jerol. i realized it was my fault bcos i cant adapt to the time. and i end up overslept till 10 - 1030, and went to work very late and lied a few times.
this is not me. and then, supposedly the time to go home at 430. but since im hunting for market out there, i always kaw tim with my driver suruh tutup pukul 2.30. so i can go home at 3. i barely came to the office since the area im working is within my travelling distance, so i took advantage of myself and my routine by sleeping late, and waking up late, in a cycle where it happened for a month n counting right until now today.
i am very disappointed with myself. and this is why i write this down so every time i came down here to rant, i would read this one and feel ashamed of myself. god. this need to stop. i keep giving myself a grace period so i can start into a new routine but it just wont work out, for now.
to list it down again, my travelling distance to office increased, and i didnt have a proper bike to go to work because it can only go at 80 kmh max. so this adds like 20-25 mins travelling time to my 45 mins ride. its hard. sometimes i have to go work early in the morning, sometimes masuk petang, this unbalanced and uncontrollable environment (seems like flexible but it does not) also contribute to this. for now theres no way to fix this besides to get a better bike which can travel a lot faster, while maintaining my sleep routine 2.30 - 6.30, so i can have a 1 hour to bersiap, another 1 hour to travel.
*i know, trying my best to fix my sleeping pattern and then i can only get my bike on september, just dont judge*
there. but thats not it.
my attitudeeeee. its the biggest. lately i have been working on n off because of my mood. when im rajin, and my higher self we in motion, i will do my work accordingly, but starting this bulan puasa, i am very lazy ya know. i keep on procrastinating. delaying petty works which can be done in a few mins, and didnt keep a very good communication between my team. i was like, ah ok, ok buat je anything report back. masuk telinga kanan keluar telinga kiri. i havent apologized to my partner for covering my ass up everytime i turned up late to the location that i needed to go. doesnt even speak to him becos i keep on hanging out on social sites while juggling thru work. he must be mad at me, thinking im a jerk, and he would smack my face off.
this, has got, to stop. and it already begin. i started with a 12 hour event routine, and yet still arrive 30 mins late, and still make it to the event despite salah jalan and so. and i spend 12 hours collecting demand list and it does feel good, and it pays. penat, layu, tapi layan je. baru terasa penat dia bekerja secara betul-betul. dah sebulan lebih sedap, ha padan muka. more events coming these few weekends as Q3 kalender starts. next is i have to make sure i show up in the office 4/5 times in a week so i can update myself with things and listen to my team and get updates about them.
and i am not used to being alone, it has been 2 months since i have been getting morning calls/texts/wake up call and someone to actually hushes me around. i miss that person sometimes, sometimes the routine. gotta get myself used to it. did it before. going to do it one more time
eh dah. sendu pula dia
sup, its raya 2016!
i got the chance to go back a bit longer during raya. kinda miss home. everything changes. the family, the people, the environment, my friends. the batu pahat i know, suddenly, i dont know anymore. but it kinda feels the same too, somehow. oh yeah, sempatlah singgah summit haritu. all those memories, growing up there...theres no more summit parade batu pahat.
it does feels like raya. waking up in the morning, hujan di almost semua tempat. and the food. gawd so nice. oh oh lupa. yeah we still organize bbq mcm biasa this year dekat pt besar. the 6th year, i think antara tahun paling tak ramai and chill je. small one. hanging out the boys as i didnt really go back to see them often. dem good people.
people keep calling me abang tarik kereta bcos of my hair do. hahah. and guess who's back in town? the JG guys. its takes forever to gather these people around, lagilah tgh raya ni. luckily hari sabtu tu masing2 dah boleh kata reda beraya, apa lagi, bersidang la. sani is getting married this coming 6 aug. marking the only ones left in JG guys were me, falah and wan. falah is getting there, wan in a few, me? i havent made any progress on this one. and i kinda promised myself not to have another one within a year. so i can focus on my things, career and maybe farm a lil bit of money for another trip. i havent went anywhere this year besides langkawi and sabah for iza's wedding. planning for pangan juga this december with jerol n lap n fami but we'll see how. desperately need vitamin beach.
post yang ke 1122.
mula2 fikir nak update sikit about whats happening for these past 3 weeks, tapi malas pula. sekarang tgh sibuk main pickupline ramadhan #sensorang hahaha.
partially supposed to make me feel better and good, sambil membuang stress yg bersarang di pangkat tengkuk saban hari melayan karenah email dan complain yg perlu di selesaikan segera. work is tough, its a bit crazy for previous 2 months but things are under control.
so here goes, beberapa pickup ramadhan dari saya. maybe ada yg dah guna the same idea, but the variation is there. haha.
"azan masuk waktu berbuka tak boleh tunggu, you, i boleh tunggu sampai bila-bila. takde hal"
"Hukum berbuka puasa dgn benda manis adalah sunnah, tapi kalau berbuka dgn you, dah jadi wajib!
"You, baju you warna apa this year?
"I warnabe with you ???"
"bae, kalau sahur takde u, jadilah tak sah r"
"you nak murtabak apa?"
"i nak murta...bak number telefon you boleh tak?"
-me, tryna hit some murtabak girls at bazar, everytime
"girl : you, nak buka apa harini?
boy : apa kata harini you buka pintu hati you?"
"miss sahur tu i tak pernah, tapi kalau miss you tu, eh boleh kata selalulah."
haha, some r lame, some r kinda #cheeseballs, please feel free to use these lines. happy def!
p/s : dari bruh, kepada bruh.
letters to madame mademoiselle
im sorry that i cant be there for you whenever you want me to
- little that you know about my work and its job scope. i need to be here and there because of my work
im sorry that i have to spend most of my weekend and time working.
- again, if you want to ask me out, or spend my time with you, please do so earlier. so i can manage my work timetable and find replacement just so we could find the time for it. everytime i wanted to tell you about what im doing until im this busy, we end up talking about you and your things. so i lose interest everytime, and only god knows how much i want to tell you about it..you wont never ask me about it..
im sorry that i have to ask you for some space and time for the time being
- little that you know that i am currently slowly adapting in to this new life. with my family moving, i need to help my mom to do this, and that. i need to manage my time just so i can talk to u without any other things dragging me down. by now you should know as the eldest son, not being there with my family while they are packing and arranging things and helping them pack, apatah lagi balik sana n help..
some time and space for us to grow is good. so you could understand me and vice versa. and we have to learn how to respect each others - ground rules, space, time and such.
what else?
i know i cant make you stay. i know i cant make you go either. i do want you to stay. but im done being in a relationship that will end up like this. by now you should know that i am not going away. i know you too. if you want to walk away from all of these, you already would. not now. not this. what happen to you? i know what happen to me.
when i ask for time and space, did i ever leave you? its just, to rply and to give myself to you would take time, but not that long. whenever im free. did i ever leave you hanging? nope. its like the usual, but less me seeing or talking to you. but im there, im here. i always do and i always was. and you act like im leaving you for someone else.
im hurt too. in case you forgot. i suffer from missing you, wanting you too. but i have to go through with it. just go with it. i want to talk to you. i want to see you so bad. but for now, just hold on. bare with me and my imperfections, learn about me. ask me things. not assume things.
i love you. i want this, but if were going this way, and ifs not too late, let me save us. and if you want to be here, with me. tell me. letting go was never easy, never will be. never will do. and not with you.
im tired of fighting, mentally, emotionally. please stop doing this to me. i cant take it anymore. im about to break.
